Please can someone help me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 2
Please can someone help me.
I am about to get married in two weeks, my partner and I have been together for almost three years, but we have known each other for most of my life.
He drank a huge amount of alchohol daily when we got together and he was very drunk each night - I was shocked at the horrid things he would shout and scream at me when he was drunk, but of course he wouldnt remember in the morning.
We moved into together and things improved. Each night he would drink a huge bottle of cider to himself, and I started to question this, as he didnt go for one day without a drink.
This has now turned into 3/4 cans of very strong cider a night and he is generally drunk each night. I get upset all of the time and speak to him about this amount he is drinking everyday, but he just shouts at me and calls me pathetic and full of it.
Sometimes he gets tearful and says he has a problem and makes endless promises to cut down - but then denies it the morning after.
We made a pact that he would only have 2 cans per night, but then I caught him drinking on the way home from the shop to hide it from me.
I love and care about him, and he never used to be like this. The wedding is in two weeks and i am terrified about him being drunk and slurring his words a the ceremony.
Things have got particularly bad in the last 6 months - of which point it was too late to cancel the wedding.
Two weeks ago I had to go see him in hospital because hed had a seizure whilst driving. He is no longer allowed to drive.
I know that on that particular day he had no alcohol that night before because he fell asleep. My thought is that it happened because he had no alchohol?
I have a very good job - He recently was sacked from his job - (which he lied to me about, and said he was made redundant), so now he is at home all day on his own - I have no idea if he is drinking in the day.
I feel exhausted from worry and arguing - I feel unattracted to him when he is drunk and our relationship has deteriorated. He wont listen to me. I have to go through with the wedding - and in my head I hope he just stops drinking in time - but I know I cant live with this forever.
Any advice would be much appreciated.
He drank a huge amount of alchohol daily when we got together and he was very drunk each night - I was shocked at the horrid things he would shout and scream at me when he was drunk, but of course he wouldnt remember in the morning.
We moved into together and things improved. Each night he would drink a huge bottle of cider to himself, and I started to question this, as he didnt go for one day without a drink.
This has now turned into 3/4 cans of very strong cider a night and he is generally drunk each night. I get upset all of the time and speak to him about this amount he is drinking everyday, but he just shouts at me and calls me pathetic and full of it.
Sometimes he gets tearful and says he has a problem and makes endless promises to cut down - but then denies it the morning after.
We made a pact that he would only have 2 cans per night, but then I caught him drinking on the way home from the shop to hide it from me.
I love and care about him, and he never used to be like this. The wedding is in two weeks and i am terrified about him being drunk and slurring his words a the ceremony.
Things have got particularly bad in the last 6 months - of which point it was too late to cancel the wedding.
Two weeks ago I had to go see him in hospital because hed had a seizure whilst driving. He is no longer allowed to drive.
I know that on that particular day he had no alcohol that night before because he fell asleep. My thought is that it happened because he had no alchohol?
I have a very good job - He recently was sacked from his job - (which he lied to me about, and said he was made redundant), so now he is at home all day on his own - I have no idea if he is drinking in the day.
I feel exhausted from worry and arguing - I feel unattracted to him when he is drunk and our relationship has deteriorated. He wont listen to me. I have to go through with the wedding - and in my head I hope he just stops drinking in time - but I know I cant live with this forever.
Any advice would be much appreciated.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Hi there, Stacey, and welcome to SR.
Come and see us in the Friends and Family forum - that's where all of us who have been affected by anothers drinking hang out. You could copy your post there and I just know you'll get loads of support.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Come and see us in the Friends and Family forum - that's where all of us who have been affected by anothers drinking hang out. You could copy your post there and I just know you'll get loads of support.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Member
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: lynn,ma
Posts: 37
Dear Stacy, You need to cancel that wedding! I think you know in your heart that is what you should do.I'm sorry to tell you but if he continues drinking IT IS ONLY GONNA GET WORSE. That is a guarentee. Let me see...he's already lost his job, has had a seziure(definitely bcuz he didn't have alcohol in his system), Is abusive to you when he drinks, ect. ect. Unfortunately he doesn't seem to want to change anything, and if he doesn't want it, it is'nt gonna happen-no matter how much you love him, no matter how much he loves you, no matter anything you say or do...HE has to want it...and bad! I'm sorry that things are like this for you and I hope you don't make the mistake of getting married...I'm not saying leave him, but you gotta look at this w/open eyes and not w/just your heart.I personally know how hard it is to love someone in active addiction/alcoholism and before I let it kill me I detattched... and prayed for him.. I can't tell you what to do but I can almost guarentee that 1. He is a alcoholic and 2. It will only get worse!! That is the sad reality of this disease, and it's scary. I know you must feel pretty helpless and it's a horrible feeling to not be able to help the one you love...I suggest you go to a alonon meeting and find some help for yourself becuz you are the only one that you can help..I hope things work out and I hope your fiance gets help...I will pray for you both! Melissa
Red Hot Chili Pepper
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Jefferson --a State of Mind
Posts: 153
You don't HAVE to go through with the wedding. And in your situation I wouldn't. He needs to follow through with starting recovery and that's not something you can do for him. Getting married never solves anything, just like having babies doesn't fix relationships.
Welcome to SR. Lots of great folks here to help out.
Also? What in the world is cider? I keep seeing that and it's always UK folks using the term. Is it beer?
Kelly
Welcome to SR. Lots of great folks here to help out.
Also? What in the world is cider? I keep seeing that and it's always UK folks using the term. Is it beer?
Kelly
Grateful recovering alcoholic
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Blissfield, MI
Posts: 814
Originally Posted by Stacey333
I am about to get married in two weeks, my partner and I have been together for almost three years, but we have known each other for most of my life.
He drank a huge amount of alchohol daily when we got together and he was very drunk each night - I was shocked at the horrid things he would shout and scream at me when he was drunk, but of course he wouldnt remember in the morning. Red flag...
We moved into together and things improved. Each night he would drink a huge bottle of cider to himself, and I started to question this, as he didnt go for one day without a drink. Red flag...
This has now turned into 3/4 cans of very strong cider a night and he is generally drunk each night. I get upset all of the time and speak to him about this amount he is drinking everyday, but he just shouts at me and calls me pathetic and full of it. And you "have" to marry this why. You DO know it will get worse; most likely, not better, right?
Sometimes he gets tearful and says he has a problem and makes endless promises to cut down - but then denies it the morning after. Denial. Disease progression.
We made a pact that he would only have 2 cans per night, but then I caught him drinking on the way home from the shop to hide it from me. Lying, cheating, manipulative...
I love and care about him, and he never used to be like this. The wedding is in two weeks and i am terrified about him being drunk and slurring his words a the ceremony. Is this ALL you're worried about? I'd be worried about a lot more than just him being drunk and slurring his words!!!
Things have got particularly bad in the last 6 months - of which point it was too late to cancel the wedding. It's NEVER too late to cancel. Unless you're already married. Better to get out now (from the sounds of it) then put yourself through a life of pure misery and hell.
Two weeks ago I had to go see him in hospital because hed had a seizure whilst driving. He is no longer allowed to drive. I know that on that particular day he had no alcohol that night before because he fell asleep. My thought is that it happened because he had no alchohol? Good chance that's why.
I have a very good job - He recently was sacked from his job - (which he lied to me about, and said he was made redundant), so now he is at home all day on his own - I have no idea if he is drinking in the day. Most likely. And it will only get worse.
I feel exhausted from worry and arguing - I feel unattracted to him when he is drunk and our relationship has deteriorated. He wont listen to me. I have to go through with the wedding - and in my head I hope he just stops drinking in time - but I know I cant live with this forever. And again, why do you have to marry him?
Any advice would be much appreciated.
He drank a huge amount of alchohol daily when we got together and he was very drunk each night - I was shocked at the horrid things he would shout and scream at me when he was drunk, but of course he wouldnt remember in the morning. Red flag...
We moved into together and things improved. Each night he would drink a huge bottle of cider to himself, and I started to question this, as he didnt go for one day without a drink. Red flag...
This has now turned into 3/4 cans of very strong cider a night and he is generally drunk each night. I get upset all of the time and speak to him about this amount he is drinking everyday, but he just shouts at me and calls me pathetic and full of it. And you "have" to marry this why. You DO know it will get worse; most likely, not better, right?
Sometimes he gets tearful and says he has a problem and makes endless promises to cut down - but then denies it the morning after. Denial. Disease progression.
We made a pact that he would only have 2 cans per night, but then I caught him drinking on the way home from the shop to hide it from me. Lying, cheating, manipulative...
I love and care about him, and he never used to be like this. The wedding is in two weeks and i am terrified about him being drunk and slurring his words a the ceremony. Is this ALL you're worried about? I'd be worried about a lot more than just him being drunk and slurring his words!!!
Things have got particularly bad in the last 6 months - of which point it was too late to cancel the wedding. It's NEVER too late to cancel. Unless you're already married. Better to get out now (from the sounds of it) then put yourself through a life of pure misery and hell.
Two weeks ago I had to go see him in hospital because hed had a seizure whilst driving. He is no longer allowed to drive. I know that on that particular day he had no alcohol that night before because he fell asleep. My thought is that it happened because he had no alchohol? Good chance that's why.
I have a very good job - He recently was sacked from his job - (which he lied to me about, and said he was made redundant), so now he is at home all day on his own - I have no idea if he is drinking in the day. Most likely. And it will only get worse.
I feel exhausted from worry and arguing - I feel unattracted to him when he is drunk and our relationship has deteriorated. He wont listen to me. I have to go through with the wedding - and in my head I hope he just stops drinking in time - but I know I cant live with this forever. And again, why do you have to marry him?
Any advice would be much appreciated.
My ex and I are in recovery. We met in recovery. However, I had enough of a bad vibe that I should've listened to it (and everyone else echoed it). I decided that I was too proud to listen, they were wrong (even though my gut said they were right). I paid dearly for it, I tell you. Shouldn't have to tell your soon to be spouse that if he lays a hand on you - you'll call the police. The only good thing of that marriage - beautiful daughter. However, I have to work with him until she is at least of legal age (9 more years!!!). Half the time we don't get along. Watching her go back and forth hurts. It's not the life I wanted for her. It's the only life I can give her though. I never wanted her to go through that. So, I'm telling you...if you have any doubt, reservation, etc...LISTEN TO IT. Don't deny it and try to "play along" like I did. (Did I mention my ex threatened to kill me more than once also, shortly after we separated?!?!). It's not worth it. Think about YOUR life. Not just now - but THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Do you want to be committed to a life of alcoholic agony, lies, cheating, deceit, manipulation, etc OR do you want to find someone that treats you well, respects and loves you, and will help provide you with a lifetime of happiness?
And what about children? If you decide you want children - do you want to bring them up in a drunken home? Where dad yells and screams. Angry all the time. Probably hits them...and/or you? Would you want to bring children into the current situation...how about when it gets a whole lot worse in another year or two? Think about it.
It's your choice (and truly you DO have a choice). My advice - don't marry this one though. You WILL regret it. You already do - and you're not married to him yet.
Blessings,
Jen
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