MWL1983

I've been going to AA for about 1.5 years and am sponsored. I've worked steps up to #10, but here's the thing, I've not been honest about my sobriety.

I'm also at a point in my professional career where I'm nearing the completion of an academic program that I've worked at for nearly a decade. Completing it will allow me to purse my life's career goals and live a very comfortable life, financially.

I'm also on the verge of moving forward with my partner to a new city. She's aware of my alcoholism, supportive of my efforts in recovery, and unaware that I've been drinking. Nobody knows that I've been drinking, in fact. My relationship would be compromised and perhaps finished if my partner found out about my drinking or if it got noticeably out of control again.

Here's the pickle I find myself in as a result. I'm also on probation and am subject to random alcohol tests (PBT) early in the morning. A failed test means jail time for my non-violent crime that was also a result of my terrible decisions during my alcoholism/addiction. I've purchased my own PBT, and found that I can drink the night before a possible test and pass it by 8:30-9 am the next morning. I've not failed a test yet.

However, yesterday and today, just 30 minutes before my actual test, I had a BAC above .000, but passed the real test. I'd gotten bombed both days before.

So, what do I do? I cannot go into treatment or detox right now, because that would mean notifying the court and jail time. I know that my sponsor would recommend checking into detox, and so I'm nervous to confide in him. The consequence for jail time would also mean dismissal from my academic program at worst, or a complete loss in credibility (I have a contract with my direct supervisor). Obviously, my financial situation would be affected, as would my relationship and my ability to move forward with my partner to the next phase of our careers and lives.

Given these consequences, my behavior and drinking is COMPLETE INSANITY! I'm risking everything at the worst possible time in my life.

I'm not sure if I'm just venting, or really looking for advice. I guess I'm afraid that I'm the hopeless variety of alcoholic and I'm just reaching out for help via a medium where I can be honest today.

I don't plan to carry these secrets to the grave, it will have to come out eventually, but I am fearful of using the supports that are available to me in my area while I am on probation.

ReadyAtLast

Can you maybe confide in your sponsor. Pour the drink away too

awuh1

Go to your doctor and get some medication for detox. Tell your sponsor what’s been going on.

IMO you’re on a path that’s risking the health and safety of yourself others. Is this how you want to live your life?

Sounds like your life is missing one essential thing right now…................... honesty.

Anna

You're holding everything together, barely, barely. I remember being in that position and I felt that if I breathed too deeply everything would fall apart.

My suggestion is to stop drinking and get into recovery. I don't know if you need to go into detox or tell your partner or tell your co-workers. I think you should do whatever you need to do. You need to take action.

Bigndfan175

MWL - that's my story - I jumped into AA Jan 3, 2001 and was sober for 6 mo before I relapsed on a biz trip in the UK. Since then I've not stopped drinking until 81 days ago. I was sponsored by the same man for 11 years, dumped my home group in favor of another one and continued to drink without telling my new sponsor and my new home group. I can tell you that once I admitted to my sponsor and the group it was like a weight lifted off of me and I could move forward into sobriety. My wife was SHOCKED when she caught me (longer story) and had no clue.

so yeah, I get it. PM me if you want to talk more in depth, I sure see myself in your story.

hang in there.

Gforce23

Hi there,

I'm only 30 days into this whole sobriety thing, so I have 0 advice. I do have 1 question however: Do you think you might be subconsciously sabotaging your life for some reason? I'm deeply curious as to why you would choose to start drinking right now, when it seems like your right on the verge of having everything you've ever wanted or worked for.
I don't know how you're going to get out of this predicament, but I think this question is worth pondering.

bbthumper

Playing God is tough work. You've got a lot that you are trying to manage right now when the truth of the matter is your life is unmanageable. This dishonesty is not merely getting you into trouble, but if you are an alcoholic of the type the Big Book describes, it will eventually kill you. There is probably no easy way out of this one. I would suggest you get honest with your doctor and your sponsor first and foremost and get back on the path. You are treading dangerous ground. Best wishes to you.

paul99

So what's the downside of being honest with your sponsor and ending this dishonesty? This dishonesty to yourself and everyone is the kind of thing that ate my lunch on a regular basis. What happened with me is that it all came crashing down in a spectacular way. There was no hiding after my arrest. Everything came crashing down, but in the end it was the best thing for me. I am not suggesting it has to all come crashing down for you, but something has to give here...this can't nor won't last much longer. I am sure you can sense that.

BBT is right - this is the kind of stuff that kills. Sound dramatic, but it is true. I hope you find it in you to get that weight off your shoulder and talk about this to your sponsor. You won't find judgment there, nor here.

TrixMixer

Hi MWL,

I think you know EXACTLY what you have on the line, and what you are risking with the continuance of your drinking! You do not need us to tell you what you need to do, you came here to tell us you cannot do this anymore, and you are right. We agree. "the game is over" face the alternatives and begin the resolution today. You do not have to let the world know , you just need your sponsor and your own willpower to take the steps needed.

Good Luck!

Sincerely,
Clare

jazzfish

I completed my academic program while drinking, so that I could move into my dream job. It worked for a while. However, it is now a little over 10 years later and I have just about pissed it all away. All because I did not make sobriety my priority. When I was younger, I could absorb the daily abuse and still function OK, but that ability slowly left me. It is truly a frightening thing to look around as everything you ever worked for slips away. Today, my sobriety is my priority in life over EVERYTHING else.

2granddaughters

No AA that I know has worked the Steps "perfectly" from the get-go.

Where it says in HOW IT WORKS "We stood at the turning point" I have stood there often and I believe you are there again.

You said "I've worked steps up to #10, but here's the thing, I've not been honest about my sobriety." .... it's time to get (more) honest. Simple as that. Get with your sponsor and the oldtimers and get "on the beam".

All the best.

Bob R

Johno1967

Dishonesty and fear are two among a list that will kill your chances of recovery.
I can't provide much advice.
I can tell you that somehow I managed to juggle career, academic studies and a marriage with kids for a long time as an alcoholic. Things eventually caught up and I had to admit Step 1.
If something is not working for me now or I feel I'm regressing in my recovery I look over the steps and ask myself where am I going wrong? Is my faith in my HP strong enough? Have I been honest and thorough in my inventory? Am I doing a daily inventory and spot checks on my thoughts, words and actions? Do I address my short comings? If I have something bothering me do I speak to a confident, my wife or as a minimum seek guidance in prayer?
Re dodging the alcolyzer and self testing with a bought unit. That bit made me laugh because I had the same ridiculous idea a couple of years ago when I was the senior OHS and Medical person on a remote mine site here in Australia. I was trying to control my drinking. I found I could drink up to 4-6 mid strength beers after my shift and take a bottle of wine to bed to enjoy a movie or book with. As long as I ate a full meal and turned the lights of by 10PM I would be "fit for work" the next day and blow 0.000 if tested. Unfortunately this idea failed me on a couple of occasions as sometimes I would break these "rules" and drink more or stay up later till I passed out. I would wake up through the night (alcohol may put you to sleep but it adversely affects quality sleep) and self test with a hand held unit, calculating how I was tracking. If by 4AM I was still over 0.04 I knew I'd be in trouble at 6AM if testing occurred. So I would get out of bed and go for a run or hit the gym with a seething hangover! The idea being that if I exercised intensely and drunk lots of water I would "flush" alcohol out of my system. Later, thanks to my Paramedic study, I learned that this is rubbish. The liver metabolizes alcohol at a certain rate, intrinsic with its health and tolerance, exercise makes no difference. I thought I had the thing down pat. There was a spreadsheet I used to calculate how many units I could drink "safely" to dodge the bullet and avoid getting a result over 0.00. Given that I was not even meant to be getting drunk because of my role as an on call emergency medical responder on the site, the pure irrationality of my alcoholic thinking at the time makes me shake my head in wonder now. What was I thinking? During the day I would be so tired and seedy that my performance was affected and I had a perpetual cloud of fear of being exposed as a drunken fraud and hypocrite, a poor example of leadership and safety. My "stinking thinking" as well as self loathing and depression led to conflict with others and job losses and alienation from friends and peers. I withdrew. I could hide my addiction at work but could not do the same at home and eventually the resentment there lead me to hitting rock bottom and finding the 12 steps.
All I can suggest is start the steps over, honestly. "I've worked the steps all the way to Step 10" is alcoholic rationalization. Obviously you haven't. I work steps 1 to 12 every day and no I'm not giving it 100% so I try harder. There is no "course completed, credit assigned" in doing the steps, its not an academic course with an end goal, but a spiritual way of life, you pass the course when you die and a life well lived is the reward. If you are academic read some books. At the moment I'm reading AA Lit as well as "Little Red Book" which gives a good objective explanation of the steps. I also read books like "One Breath at a Time" by Kevin Griffin and "Minfulness and the 12 Steps" by Therese Jacobs-Stewart and get inspired by the recovery stories I read every day.
Best of Luck Mate. You will find lots of support here.
John

instant

John great advice, great post.

MWL. my thoughts are with you.

LexieCat

You are treading on VERY thin ice. And you are more worried about the consequences of the recovery process than you are about the fact that what you are doing will almost certainly destroy everything you've worked for.

Talk it through with your sponsor, but here are a couple of thoughts. Probation officers are NOT generally looking for an opportunity to revoke your probation. They deal with alcoholics and addicts constantly, and they know that relapses are common. What tends to lead to revocation is not a slip, but hiding it, lying. My bet is that if you told your probation officer that you suffered a relapse and need to more seriously address your alcohol problem, the officer would support you and work with you and encourage you. That's IF YOU are the one who brings up the problem--not that you are making promises after getting nailed for the violation.

As for your girlfriend, no telling what her reaction will be--of course she will be scared for you, and whether she will be willing to hang in is up to her. The point is, my guess is that finding out because you tell her and then do the responsible thing by putting everything you can into your recovery will be less upsetting than finding out because you wind up in jail or losing your employment opportunities and, again, are making promises after the fact.

You are taking a much larger risk, IMO, by continuing to stall than if you take decisive action to deal with the situation.

Talk to your sponsor first--he is the one who will be able to guide you. Nobody can guarantee the outcome of doing the right thing, but I think it's pretty clear where doing the wrong thing will lead.

Just my two cents.

tomsteve

crazy thing about sponsors: they seem to know dishonesty pretty good. pretty difficult to bul**hit an old bul**hitter. being dishonest only hurts me and more drinking never helped.
IMO, what i read is an unmanagable life.

ru12

I don't do the AA thing, but I don't remember anywhere in the first 164 pages of the BB that it even mentions the word sponsor, let alone advising you to tell one stuff that might lead you to jail.

You know that these problems would go away if you just stopped drinking right?

I'd work on that before you lose everything.

bemyself

MWL, it can get confusing when we all (lovingly!) have our different responses.
Just in my take on your predicament: I wonder if, JUST FOR NOW, you could mix up two things - one, the suggestion made by Lexicat (I think) about directly approaching your probation person, rather than waiting to be 'sprung'. (I have no idea how these things work in practice, depending on where you live, but it struck me as something quite practical - to potentially take the heat off on the legal ramifications on your career turning point).
Two, and maybe this could be done at the same time: might it be possible for you to ALSO arrange to do a 'home detox' - you know, supervised by your doctor - and of course, your partner, just for the safety side of withdrawals and so you can at least get some breathing space, free of the booze itself?

Personally, and this is just me, I believe that this very practical, real-time thing of physically getting free of glugging down the booze is an important first step. It clears a space then, for you to return to functionally OK in your career whilst ALSO re-starting your recovery efforts, on the emotional and spiritual front.

Hope this helps,
Vic

AA4life

I know the terrible feeling you must have right now. It doesn't feel good to know you aren't in control of yourself. You are here, you are posting, and you are honest in this forum. Cunning, baffling, powerful, patient. When you aren't honest it is like you are trying to quit on your own even if you go to meetings.

When I finally wanted to quit, nothing else mattered to me too much. I wanted to get rid of the drink and worry about the rest later. The academic program can wait. Money isn't that important. For example, sometimes less is more.

I have started to think that mental health is maybe more important that physical health. At least it feels like that sometimes. I am meandering but I wish you the best.

Regards,

Threshold

You have to quit drinking. Which means doing whatever it takes to quit drinking. That's the bottom line. SR is a great support. But there is NO other solution to the chaos and danger of drinking except to not drink. We cannot outsmart reality and consequences.

My Higher Power is the Universe, the Ultimate Reality. The Dynamic Process of cooperation in which all things operate. We cannot drink and dodge the consequences of drinking, we can deny them but we cannot escape them.

No matter what it takes, quit.

Pamel

Amazing what we are willing to risk for a drink. ...or more to the point, what that first drink can do to us.

I am now going to a therapist for this "sabotage" thing, but I think I pick up a drink when change is in the air, I am on edge, and "one" LOL drink seems like a good idea. Then I am living in alcohol-ville again and all bets are off.

Having just done that very thing (on day 4 after a 3-month relapse) I am working on staying sober before anything. When I don't have sobriety, I don't have me. In 3 months I have created amazing messes that I am now trying to clean up. What a waste...

Tell your sponsor at least, and you have a weekend to get a sober day under your belt (1 day makes such a difference).