butterfly123

Well...went to an AA meeting tonight...tried to talk...but all I did was start crying...I just feel all these emotions...probably the ones I have been trying to block out with alcohol for the last 15 years...anyways..I will keep going, but I wish I could say more than just blubbering tears..I do have so much to say..tonight was about anger...man do I have that...trying to let go of it...but it's hard...anyways, I am just so tired of living this way and trying to be tough...I really am not...I just do a good job of acting that way...the whole biker girl thing...anyways, I am still gonna be a biker girl, but I want to open up for once...well thanks for listening...have a good night!

Phinneas

When I walked into AA, I was just a big ball of pain. The tears brought healing, though. Took me awhile to see that and feel it, but I did. The only way past is through.

Blessings on your healing.

phinny

butterfly123

thanks so much...yeah it's wierd..I have spent so many years blocking my emotions out..guess I have to get them out. I really do think that is holding me back or something. Anyways I agree that you have to go through the feelings to actually start solving things...anyways sorry I am babbling now..but thanks

michski

I hope that you are very kind with yourself and ever so patient with your recovery. You've got a couple months of some profound discovery ahead of you... probably the single most important thing you'll ever do for yourself is to reclaim your life, your emotions and your destiny. It'll happen if you work towards it!
Biker girls rock!

CarolD

Good for you! Meetings are so very important for me....amd crying is too.

Tears wash the soul.

Blessings...

Little Missy

Good for you for going to a meeting!! Keep going and keep crying!! That's what I did!! Lots of thing to discover about yourself. They will help you work through the pain and find yourself!!

We're all here for ya!!
Hugs,
Missy

bikerprincess

Butterfly,

I understand how you feel. Early in my sobriety all I did was CRY over everything. And I think you are right, suppression of feelings go with tough girl image. The thing is today, you have made a decision to change, and that is a VERY worthwhile reason to cry tears of excitement, pain, fear, all of those things. The beauty of it is that when you are in a meeting of AA, they honor that and understand!!

I too had a reputation of being tough and unapproachable, which served me well when I was running with the dark, but I can hug and love and laugh and I feel so light!!!

So hang in there, Enjoy the trip.
Blessings
Anne

nocellphone

I'm a big fan of crying. I like to think of it as taking a big emotional sh!t (hence, the need for tissues and TP)...

I'm not entirely sure what she meant, but I heard someone say this once in praise of crying and I liked it:

"The more you cry........... the less you pee!"

I've also read a few places that there are toxins stored in the body which are only released through tears, so it's good to get 'em out!

fraankie

AA is a very good start
it takes time
to get over the emotions
so
keep coming
it gets better


best
fraankie

Peter

Hey butterfly, glad you went to a meeting.

I always feel better when I cry.

butterfly123

Thanks so much everyone, yeah I really feel like I have no choice but to stop drinking...my body can not take much more of this, and I am tired of feeling numb all the time. I do want to stop I just feel like I am struggling with having a life without alcohol. I am not sure if it just because I am so used to life with it...but I stop (the longest has been 30 days in the last few years)..and I just feel really bored...like my only form of excitement comes from drinking and gambling...does anyone relate to that?....I know it sounds strange and I know that I love to feel healthy and not hungover...but I just get so bored...maybe I just have to try and get used to other healthy things for excitement and maybe eventually they will become exciteing?...well thanks again to everyone for the supportive comments..

NoMoBeer

Sounds like you've made a great start! Great for you!

Keep going to meetings, it helps to be with sober people and listen to their experience strength and hope....

Find a woman who you can relate to at some level, and ask her to be your sponsor. Then, get to work on the steps. No reason to wait...

God bless you and good luck!!!

Ken

butterfly123

Thank you MoMoBeer, yes I am really going to do this this time...I know I have said that before but I really do mean it. I have so much at at risk that I can lose if I do not do this now...my education, my family, I really believe that I have had wya too much luck in the past...and I know that that too runs out. I do not want to lose everything and I feel I am very close to doing so...plus I really feel as though I am jepordizing my health...way too many years of binge drinking, drinking every day...smoking..I know it is all going to catch up with me sooner of later...I just pray that I havnt donw too much damage...I used to be a runner, I think I will focus on getting back into that...I ran 2 half marathons and it was such a great feeling...better than any bender I have been on...just have to remind myself constantly of that feeling...anyways thanks to all for listening, prayers for you all!

RRecovery

Well...went to an AA meeting tonight...tried to talk...but all I did was start crying

You said a ton of things with that. Now go to your second meeting....today!

jlo34

...and keep on going every day. The tears eventually will slow and you will be able to talk. Tears are very healing and very important.

michski

Hey Butterfly.. I'm wondering how you are? You still going to meetings?

I know what you mean about gambling&drinking = excitement. We all do. that's because both those activities stimulate the same part of our brain.. therefore it is a dangerous combination.

anyway I wanted to bring your post to the top so you can check back in with us all and share more of your feelings.