Why can't I stop?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Overland Park, KS
Posts: 3
Why can't I stop?
I've been visiting sober recovery for several months but this is my first post.
Up until about 2 years ago, I never drank. For whatever reason, it just didn't appeal to me. Then, I broke my ankle (while training for a marathon no less) and pretty much hit bottom. I had a beer that I actually liked. So I started trying others. Then it was a weekend event to try a new six-pack every saturday. Then it became a 12 pack over the weekend. It gradually progressed and now, two years and 25 extra pounds later, I can down a 12 pack per day (evening) and still function. Sometimes I drink more and that does impact functionality; getting to work late (if at all), looking like hell, feeling like hell. Needless to say, I haven't been out running in quite some time.
I recently read a book titled "Will Power is Not Enough" and it was very helpful in educating me about what moves people into addiction and keeps them there. It also addressed my most pressing question, "why can't I just stop?" I'm extremely shy so going to AA has been a challenge. I have the schedule of all meetings in my area but the best I've been able to do is make it to the parking lot (not actually go inside). I was diagnosed as a chronic depressive at a young age and have been on some kind of medication for most of my life. In fact, I'm very surprised I made it this long without battling some kind of addiction.
I guess what weighs on me is, how can I conquer alcoholism without resolving/controlling all the internal issues that led me to it? It's like taking medication for depression. There is no medication to address "I think I'm crap." All the medication does is help enable me to get out of bed and go to work even though I think I'm crap. Does that make sense?
Sorry to ramble on; I guess I've held it in so long I just need to let it all out. Right now I'm very confused and desperate. I researched checking into rehab but that usually requires a 30 day stay at the minimum...and it is monumentally expensive.
I don't want to be a drunk. I don't want to get pserosis. I don't want my friends/family to be at my funeral because I rammed my car into a tree while attempting to drive. I don't want to lose my job or my home. I don't want to be this person.
Thank you for reading,
clyde40
Up until about 2 years ago, I never drank. For whatever reason, it just didn't appeal to me. Then, I broke my ankle (while training for a marathon no less) and pretty much hit bottom. I had a beer that I actually liked. So I started trying others. Then it was a weekend event to try a new six-pack every saturday. Then it became a 12 pack over the weekend. It gradually progressed and now, two years and 25 extra pounds later, I can down a 12 pack per day (evening) and still function. Sometimes I drink more and that does impact functionality; getting to work late (if at all), looking like hell, feeling like hell. Needless to say, I haven't been out running in quite some time.
I recently read a book titled "Will Power is Not Enough" and it was very helpful in educating me about what moves people into addiction and keeps them there. It also addressed my most pressing question, "why can't I just stop?" I'm extremely shy so going to AA has been a challenge. I have the schedule of all meetings in my area but the best I've been able to do is make it to the parking lot (not actually go inside). I was diagnosed as a chronic depressive at a young age and have been on some kind of medication for most of my life. In fact, I'm very surprised I made it this long without battling some kind of addiction.
I guess what weighs on me is, how can I conquer alcoholism without resolving/controlling all the internal issues that led me to it? It's like taking medication for depression. There is no medication to address "I think I'm crap." All the medication does is help enable me to get out of bed and go to work even though I think I'm crap. Does that make sense?
Sorry to ramble on; I guess I've held it in so long I just need to let it all out. Right now I'm very confused and desperate. I researched checking into rehab but that usually requires a 30 day stay at the minimum...and it is monumentally expensive.
I don't want to be a drunk. I don't want to get pserosis. I don't want my friends/family to be at my funeral because I rammed my car into a tree while attempting to drive. I don't want to lose my job or my home. I don't want to be this person.
Thank you for reading,
clyde40
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Hi ya Clyde.
First off, you aren't rambling. People who are rambling are talking and saying nothing. They're taking hostages...LOL.
To answer your question: "Why can't I stop?" I would say simply that you don't want to yet. I know you say you do but saying is one thing. Doing what it takes is another. Get your butt into the AA meeting and out of the parking lot.
Does it make any sense to you to be depressed and then indulge in a depressant drug? Stop drinking first. Then deal with the depression, if that's the case.
Good to have you here and finally saying something. You spent a long time in the SR parking lot...
First off, you aren't rambling. People who are rambling are talking and saying nothing. They're taking hostages...LOL.
To answer your question: "Why can't I stop?" I would say simply that you don't want to yet. I know you say you do but saying is one thing. Doing what it takes is another. Get your butt into the AA meeting and out of the parking lot.
Does it make any sense to you to be depressed and then indulge in a depressant drug? Stop drinking first. Then deal with the depression, if that's the case.
Good to have you here and finally saying something. You spent a long time in the SR parking lot...
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
In my opinion Clyde, you cannot deal with alcoholism without resolving all the issues that led to that point. I, too became an alcoholic late in life and it happened extremely quickly. But, once I stopped drinking I realized that I had been avoiding my feelings, one way or another, all of my life. Stopping drinking was the beginning of the journey where I began to look at myself honestly and see the 'real' person who was there.
I'm on meds for depression too and probably always will be. It does enable me to get out of bed in the morning and then I can begin the internal work of the day, which is to listen to myself and to try to move forward.
You can stop and we're here to help.
I'm on meds for depression too and probably always will be. It does enable me to get out of bed in the morning and then I can begin the internal work of the day, which is to listen to myself and to try to move forward.
You can stop and we're here to help.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: some where / no where
Posts: 1,019
I don't want to be a drunk. I don't want to get pserosis. I don't want my friends/family to be at my funeral because I rammed my car into a tree while attempting to drive. I don't want to lose my job or my home. I don't want to be this person.
Hey Clyde,
You are going in the right direction by frequenting SR and these message boards. You have the schedule for AA, and you've brought yourself to the parking lot. You realize willpower may not be enough.....YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT PATH !!
When I drink, I cannot stop drinking. I am powerless to alchohol, and I have an unhealthy affection for beer. I was afraid of AA, and felt too shy to go as well.... I have started AA now, and it is the best "drinking" decision I have made yet. I think of it like getting treatment for a horrible disease....If I had cancer, you can bet I'd take whatever treatment availiable to get better..no matter what the cost. AA is free, available and it works!!!
I don't want to lose my family, my home, my buisness, my licence, or my vehicles either. Thats why I'm in AA now. Follow your heart, Clyde. If you need help to quit drinking, there are people who want to help you. A group of recovering addicts is the best place to find help....
chip
Hey Clyde,
You are going in the right direction by frequenting SR and these message boards. You have the schedule for AA, and you've brought yourself to the parking lot. You realize willpower may not be enough.....YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT PATH !!
When I drink, I cannot stop drinking. I am powerless to alchohol, and I have an unhealthy affection for beer. I was afraid of AA, and felt too shy to go as well.... I have started AA now, and it is the best "drinking" decision I have made yet. I think of it like getting treatment for a horrible disease....If I had cancer, you can bet I'd take whatever treatment availiable to get better..no matter what the cost. AA is free, available and it works!!!
I don't want to lose my family, my home, my buisness, my licence, or my vehicles either. Thats why I'm in AA now. Follow your heart, Clyde. If you need help to quit drinking, there are people who want to help you. A group of recovering addicts is the best place to find help....
chip
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: fumbling towards ecstasy
Posts: 2,551
Welcome, Clyde. Glad you posted.
Well, you not running (exercise is a natural anti-depressant) and you are drinking, which is a depressant. So it makes sense that you feel awful and depressed.
My addiction / alcoholism took hold in less than two years, so you are not alone there. Every person's story is a little different, but alcoholism is what unites us.
Rehab does take time and money. For many, that's the best answer. But I got sober in the rooms of AA by working the 12 steps. So, you see, it can be done.
I encourage you to GO to a meeting. It is scarey at first, but it soon becomes natural and normal. The beautiful people in the rooms of AA are my friends and my lifeline.
Hang in there, Clyde. You are not alone.
hugs,
phinny
Well, you not running (exercise is a natural anti-depressant) and you are drinking, which is a depressant. So it makes sense that you feel awful and depressed.
My addiction / alcoholism took hold in less than two years, so you are not alone there. Every person's story is a little different, but alcoholism is what unites us.
Rehab does take time and money. For many, that's the best answer. But I got sober in the rooms of AA by working the 12 steps. So, you see, it can be done.
I encourage you to GO to a meeting. It is scarey at first, but it soon becomes natural and normal. The beautiful people in the rooms of AA are my friends and my lifeline.
Hang in there, Clyde. You are not alone.
hugs,
phinny
Been there and done.
Join Date: May 2005
Location: West Coast North America
Posts: 269
Clyde: I think your analysis is very clearly expressed. You are on the right path.
Specific short-term cognitive behavioral therapy helped me over the hurdle you describe. I also was blocked at the parking lot. Therapy helped that roadblock. There is nothing incompatible about therapy together with AA.
Specific short-term cognitive behavioral therapy helped me over the hurdle you describe. I also was blocked at the parking lot. Therapy helped that roadblock. There is nothing incompatible about therapy together with AA.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Arizona
Posts: 872
Welcome, Clyde. I, too, really upped my beer intake when faced with a back injury. And, oh boy does that weight pile on fast! I hit a record 252 at one point.
Do what Music says, get out of the car and into the meeting. I did the parking lot shuffle myself a couple of times, but we don't recover out in our car.
I like what you said about no medication helping "I think I'm crap." Kind of the same with alcoholism. Every time someone says they have come out with a pill, I kind of snicker to myself. See, I don't have a problem with my drinking (I don't drink!), but I DO have a problem with my thinking and living -- that's where AA helps...
Give it a shot and feel free to PM me if you'd like...
Ken
Do what Music says, get out of the car and into the meeting. I did the parking lot shuffle myself a couple of times, but we don't recover out in our car.
I like what you said about no medication helping "I think I'm crap." Kind of the same with alcoholism. Every time someone says they have come out with a pill, I kind of snicker to myself. See, I don't have a problem with my drinking (I don't drink!), but I DO have a problem with my thinking and living -- that's where AA helps...
Give it a shot and feel free to PM me if you'd like...
Ken
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Racine, WI
Posts: 206
Clyde:
I went to my first AA meeting EVER just this very morning. I drove by the building......slowed down a bit........drove on by. Then I turned around, parked my car....and I went in. And, ya know what? It was a room full of people who told stories. Their stories. Not every part of every story hit home with me, but more than less of the info exchanged DID.
When I got there, everyone went around the room and said "hi, my name is........and I'm an alcoholic" This FREAKED me out because as of this morning I was still trying to make up my mind if I was ready to say that about myself. So, I said "hi my name is......and I just don't know right now"
Well, Clyde.......Hi, my name is Lynne and I am an alcoholic.
Go Clyde, you will be thankful you did.
I went to my first AA meeting EVER just this very morning. I drove by the building......slowed down a bit........drove on by. Then I turned around, parked my car....and I went in. And, ya know what? It was a room full of people who told stories. Their stories. Not every part of every story hit home with me, but more than less of the info exchanged DID.
When I got there, everyone went around the room and said "hi, my name is........and I'm an alcoholic" This FREAKED me out because as of this morning I was still trying to make up my mind if I was ready to say that about myself. So, I said "hi my name is......and I just don't know right now"
Well, Clyde.......Hi, my name is Lynne and I am an alcoholic.
Go Clyde, you will be thankful you did.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,432
See if your prescribing doctor can refer you to a counselor with an REBT background, or one who is familiar with 'motivational interviewing'. These are techniques to help you change your behavior.
If you don't want to walk into a meeting, try one online. There are meetings through this web site that are 12-step based, and SMART Recovery has online meetings as well: www.smartrecovery.org.
Take care,
If you don't want to walk into a meeting, try one online. There are meetings through this web site that are 12-step based, and SMART Recovery has online meetings as well: www.smartrecovery.org.
Take care,
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome and Hello!
I needed help to quit....and did it with AA.no rehab or de tox or treatment centers.
Please read the top sticky on this page. Answers a lot of questions.
you have so much to enjoy with sobriety!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Overland Park, KS
Posts: 3
Thanks all for the information and the words of encouragement. I am so glad I found this web site as it has been extremely helpful. I think I'll follow-up on Don S's suggestion to seek out a counselor with a rehab background. If I can run 26 miles, I can do this!
clyde40
clyde40
Grateful recovering alcoholic
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Blissfield, MI
Posts: 814
Clyde,
I too am glad you got out of the SR parking lot and into "our meeting". I don't know of ANYONE that wasn't scared of going to that "first" meeting. I was scared to death, I hung my head in shame and embarrassment.
My drinking career was about 2 years also. I'm very grateful that was as long as it lasted. If you get the courage to get out of your car at a meeting and go in...you will be greeted with people saying hi, showing you were the coffee is, explaining how the meetings go, and giving you a handshake and saying "welcome, I'm glad you're here. You ARE the most important person in this room". For me, AA was the last house on the street; little did I know, it was the only house that changed my life.
I always felt like crap about myself. I had no self-esteem, no self-respect, didn't care what happened to me (or others at the end). I hated my life. I didn't feel I had anything to look forward to. Then I started working the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and while doing my 4th and 5th step I discovered WHY I always felt like that. It answered a whole lot of questions. I was able to understand why I behaved the way I had and acted the way I did.
In my last recovery, my mom (I was 17 at the time) insisted on me going to AA and seeing a counselor. I was unable to get far with the counselor because of my trust issues. I don't know how much money my parents paid for me to see him; but it didn't work for me. I did get to the point where I knew I needed to talk about "my secrets" and was literally physically unable to do so....became very suicidal (at 2 years sober) and my counselor forced me to sign a no suicide contract and referred me to a psychiatrist who put me on all sorts of anti-depressants. Apparently to mask what was wrong with me?! It wasn't until I did a thorough and honest 4th and 5th step that it was all revealed to me and I understood all the negative thinking and the cause of it all.
Good luck on your journey. You are not alone. We have all felt exactly the same as you are feeling now. There are some that are feeling the same as you do now. Sometimes we have to force ourselves to do the things we don't want to do; usually those things are the best things that we receive.
And no, you weren't rambling. Don't apologize for speaking your mind.
God bless,
Jen
I too am glad you got out of the SR parking lot and into "our meeting". I don't know of ANYONE that wasn't scared of going to that "first" meeting. I was scared to death, I hung my head in shame and embarrassment.
My drinking career was about 2 years also. I'm very grateful that was as long as it lasted. If you get the courage to get out of your car at a meeting and go in...you will be greeted with people saying hi, showing you were the coffee is, explaining how the meetings go, and giving you a handshake and saying "welcome, I'm glad you're here. You ARE the most important person in this room". For me, AA was the last house on the street; little did I know, it was the only house that changed my life.
I always felt like crap about myself. I had no self-esteem, no self-respect, didn't care what happened to me (or others at the end). I hated my life. I didn't feel I had anything to look forward to. Then I started working the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and while doing my 4th and 5th step I discovered WHY I always felt like that. It answered a whole lot of questions. I was able to understand why I behaved the way I had and acted the way I did.
In my last recovery, my mom (I was 17 at the time) insisted on me going to AA and seeing a counselor. I was unable to get far with the counselor because of my trust issues. I don't know how much money my parents paid for me to see him; but it didn't work for me. I did get to the point where I knew I needed to talk about "my secrets" and was literally physically unable to do so....became very suicidal (at 2 years sober) and my counselor forced me to sign a no suicide contract and referred me to a psychiatrist who put me on all sorts of anti-depressants. Apparently to mask what was wrong with me?! It wasn't until I did a thorough and honest 4th and 5th step that it was all revealed to me and I understood all the negative thinking and the cause of it all.
Good luck on your journey. You are not alone. We have all felt exactly the same as you are feeling now. There are some that are feeling the same as you do now. Sometimes we have to force ourselves to do the things we don't want to do; usually those things are the best things that we receive.
And no, you weren't rambling. Don't apologize for speaking your mind.
God bless,
Jen
Only by the Grace of God....
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Gratitude and Thanks
Posts: 83
Hey Clyde, WELCOME to the party,
We're really not just a bunch of old guys and gals that hang around and talk about how life sucks. We're a bunch of guys and gals that hang around talk about the problems that we face in life and how to deal with them. If you are an alki like me, then we look at the world with a whole different perspective. It's not strange or bad, just different.
Over time, as we drink more and more, we alki's develop an allergy to alcohol. I'm only 33 years old but my allergy is in full swing, if I take ONE DROP of alcohol into my body. e.g.: If I gargle with Listerine, I feel it in my finger-tips and the craving/obbsession to drink into oblivian starts again. Thankfully with the help of AA, God, friends, family, and this forum, I haven't had a DROP in 10 1/2 months.
I pray that you find what your looking for here and in the other meetings that you will attend if you intend to stay sober AND HAPPY.
Good luck in your quest for a peaceful life.
We're really not just a bunch of old guys and gals that hang around and talk about how life sucks. We're a bunch of guys and gals that hang around talk about the problems that we face in life and how to deal with them. If you are an alki like me, then we look at the world with a whole different perspective. It's not strange or bad, just different.
Over time, as we drink more and more, we alki's develop an allergy to alcohol. I'm only 33 years old but my allergy is in full swing, if I take ONE DROP of alcohol into my body. e.g.: If I gargle with Listerine, I feel it in my finger-tips and the craving/obbsession to drink into oblivian starts again. Thankfully with the help of AA, God, friends, family, and this forum, I haven't had a DROP in 10 1/2 months.
I pray that you find what your looking for here and in the other meetings that you will attend if you intend to stay sober AND HAPPY.
Good luck in your quest for a peaceful life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Charleston S.C.
Posts: 1,461
Hi Clyde, There is much good information here. I would like to suggest to start talking in the positive. First off think and picture yourself in recovery. Remove phrases like, " Why can't I stop? This validates the beliet that you can't do this. Ask yourself why haven't I stopped? What have I done that I should try differently. Have you set limits as to what you will do for recovery? I did this for many years. "OK, I'll stop drinking BUT, I'm not doing this or that!" Ring a bell? There are many programs to chose from. However, for years I blamed my really lack of desire on them. I picked them all apart. Truth is, not because they didn't work but, because I was afraid they would. I I didn't want that deep down. So I guess like I sabotaged my recovery many times, I'd sabotage the program I was involved with at the time. I only share my experence. It is up to you to indentify and act. Nothing anyone suggests is a spectator sport. Don W
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