today
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Bay Area
Posts: 24
today
Have you ever awakened at 5 AM, much to your displeasure, unable to sleep, in a strange hangover fog with half a headache. You say to yourself that this has to stop. "I have important customers to meet with today and my project is in jeopardy because of how much I drink...thank god its a phone meeting today because since the motorcycle accident in which I broke my leg, I have gained too much weight to confidently present myself....because I drink between 1000 and 2000 calories worth of beer each day"...but then by 7:00 AM I am having coffee, brushing my teeth, and on some level between conscious and not...determining how easy it will be to get people out for Monday Night Football, and figuring how to hide the cans and bottles from last night from my love.
Well football is over now and all I have is the promise of another terrible awakening tomorrow. We all know the story. I tell myself that when I start writing to myself while it is happening that it must be near the end...I am planning to stop.
Like most, in my 30's, I have the history and the stories...with an engineering and financial background I can tell myself how much this is costing me...from a personal health, relationship, and career perspective, it gets more and more off the charts. I am slowly throwing away everything I was...but still doing it...leaving notes for myself doesn't seem to work.
I used to laugh at and then pity my friends around me who succumbed to pot and coke...when I was younger...could not understand how someone could let their goals be affected by a drug...how they could get fat....lazy..
sheesh here I am...
I have reams to write...as do we all...I have the memory and notes of a month that I did not drink last year...18 months ago now...how could I give that up...wow it was great...I remember crying as I drove to work...marvelling at how great it was...I was me again...I was me but 10 times better...everything was possible....now nothing...slowly yet perceptibly the worst point of my adult life.
OK it is time for me to go to bed...hope I have not broken the etiquette of the board. I write like this all of the time... I just wanted a public place to put this stuff...it feels better that way...I have lots of constructive things to say and I will put them forth in the days ahead...in the meantime...god help us all to be our best.
-me
Well football is over now and all I have is the promise of another terrible awakening tomorrow. We all know the story. I tell myself that when I start writing to myself while it is happening that it must be near the end...I am planning to stop.
Like most, in my 30's, I have the history and the stories...with an engineering and financial background I can tell myself how much this is costing me...from a personal health, relationship, and career perspective, it gets more and more off the charts. I am slowly throwing away everything I was...but still doing it...leaving notes for myself doesn't seem to work.
I used to laugh at and then pity my friends around me who succumbed to pot and coke...when I was younger...could not understand how someone could let their goals be affected by a drug...how they could get fat....lazy..
sheesh here I am...
I have reams to write...as do we all...I have the memory and notes of a month that I did not drink last year...18 months ago now...how could I give that up...wow it was great...I remember crying as I drove to work...marvelling at how great it was...I was me again...I was me but 10 times better...everything was possible....now nothing...slowly yet perceptibly the worst point of my adult life.
OK it is time for me to go to bed...hope I have not broken the etiquette of the board. I write like this all of the time... I just wanted a public place to put this stuff...it feels better that way...I have lots of constructive things to say and I will put them forth in the days ahead...in the meantime...god help us all to be our best.
-me
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Hey WE
You still are you and everything still is possible.
Just need do what needs to be done. But you already know that.
When you want it, it will be there.
You back riding or still healing?
I was me again...I was me but 10 times better...everything was possible....
Just need do what needs to be done. But you already know that.
When you want it, it will be there.
You back riding or still healing?
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to SR!
Sure....many of us have had that hopeless feeling of waste that alcoholism brings.There is hope and joy in finding a sober life.
AA is where I learned how to quit and stay quit.
You did the correct action by posting here.
We are here to share with you and we do understand.
Keep in touch and do ask questions if you like.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Kingston, NY
Posts: 390
Powerful post, Coyote. Trust me - we've all been there... and we're all working to move away or stay away from that place. We're here to listen, discuss, empathize, and share. Like Best said, you still have all that you can be inside of you.
Your words hit home... I too had killed so much of my potential, so much of the better me - I became a dim shadow of my shining possibility. I am working my way back toward all that I lost, one step at a time. Join me, join us.
I hope you're well.
--anne
Your words hit home... I too had killed so much of my potential, so much of the better me - I became a dim shadow of my shining possibility. I am working my way back toward all that I lost, one step at a time. Join me, join us.
I hope you're well.
--anne
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Plymouth, MN
Posts: 960
Originally Posted by wecoyote13
...I have the memory and notes of a month that I did not drink last year...18 months ago now...how could I give that up...wow it was great...I remember crying as I drove to work...marvelling at how great it was...I was me again...I was me but 10 times better...everything was possible....
You can have that again. Just a week and a half ago I was at my bottom....again. I had a relapse that was supposed to be one night and lasted 2 1/2 weeks. I now have 11 days and I feel fantastic. I'm back on my program, found a great AA group, got a temporary sponsor and feel strong and healthy. All you have to do is decide that today you will not pick up. It will suck, but tomorrow will be better and the next even better. You know what it feels like to have your life back .. choose life. Best wishes!!!!! I want to see you on here tomorrow with 24 hours sober!!
Kathy
Been there and done.
Join Date: May 2005
Location: West Coast North America
Posts: 269
What a powerful, reflective thought. Your inner voice is clear and strong. Noone needs to tell you how great a gift sobriety is.
A month without drinking? Wow. Don't think I have had that in many years, although I will be there very shortly. My hats off to you though. Tell us, what got you started drinking again? Overconfidence? What was it?
I appreciate your thoughts about drinking and work. The booze takes away our gifts in some very subtle ways. I need to be sober for quite some time before I am back where I was.
A month without drinking? Wow. Don't think I have had that in many years, although I will be there very shortly. My hats off to you though. Tell us, what got you started drinking again? Overconfidence? What was it?
I appreciate your thoughts about drinking and work. The booze takes away our gifts in some very subtle ways. I need to be sober for quite some time before I am back where I was.
Michael
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: London England
Posts: 291
Hi Coyote and welcome to SR. You will get no end of advice and encouragement here but the difficult part of the job is in your hands alone.
I have been where you are now, saying "never again" every morning, promising myself that today is different and then falling flat on my face. I had to reach my personal rock-bottom before I could be honest enough with myself to stop drinking and mean it. You are clearly an intelligent and articulate person and fully aware of the costs of your addiction, but the simple sums are not enough to convince you of the course of action you need to take.
In my case I failed to act for more than fifteen years, I hope that you are able to come to terms with the decision to quit before you waste any more of your life on alcohol.
By the way, I used to wake at three, four or five am and lie in bed with the most awful thoughts going through my mind. I would try to work out what happened in the black-out hours. I would try to persuade myself to give up and immediately present myself with a compelling argument to continue until such and such an important dinner, date, ceremony, holiday was out of the way. I used to wish I were dead and that to me now is truly terrifying.
Nothing I say or do, and nothing anyone else says or does will persuade you to quit, BUT you will know that there are those of us here who have suffered exactly the same as you and have quit. What I am saying is that you must never give up hope and never accept your addiction as insurmountable.
Best wishes
Michael
I have been where you are now, saying "never again" every morning, promising myself that today is different and then falling flat on my face. I had to reach my personal rock-bottom before I could be honest enough with myself to stop drinking and mean it. You are clearly an intelligent and articulate person and fully aware of the costs of your addiction, but the simple sums are not enough to convince you of the course of action you need to take.
In my case I failed to act for more than fifteen years, I hope that you are able to come to terms with the decision to quit before you waste any more of your life on alcohol.
By the way, I used to wake at three, four or five am and lie in bed with the most awful thoughts going through my mind. I would try to work out what happened in the black-out hours. I would try to persuade myself to give up and immediately present myself with a compelling argument to continue until such and such an important dinner, date, ceremony, holiday was out of the way. I used to wish I were dead and that to me now is truly terrifying.
Nothing I say or do, and nothing anyone else says or does will persuade you to quit, BUT you will know that there are those of us here who have suffered exactly the same as you and have quit. What I am saying is that you must never give up hope and never accept your addiction as insurmountable.
Best wishes
Michael
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Bay Area
Posts: 24
Yea my mind is in a pretty bad state when I wake at 4 am. I have recurring images and as you say...awful thoughts. (that's not when I wrote the post)
Yesterday morning I had planned to write that post when I realized what was happening...when my mind flipped the switch from "this can't happen anymore" to "how can I justify drinking tonight". I went through some therapy last year which lead to my month of freedom and I was able to really reflect to someone what this was doing to me and the crazy behavior that I justified. I had a great therapist who was a former alcoholic. I need to go see her. I stopped abruptly when I a) met a new girl (the old one landed me in therapy ;-) and b) had an old friend coming to town and couldn't imagine not drinking when he was here. whoops
At 33, I have had two sober months in 15 years. I have journals from my early 20's that sound just like my late 20's and sadly both more encouraging than now! ;-) (the first free month was in my mid 20's...I was preparing for a hockey tournament in Vegas where I planned to stay hammered for a week...everyone kept telling me to shut up at work about how great I felt without drinking) A 2 beer a day habit has become 10. When I say "journals"...I think I started writing once in a while in my 20's when I realized I was drinking too much.
I just got back from a trip to Europe with my girlfriend on which the defining theme was "how can I end us up where there is alcohol tonight?"...thankfully we were in the CZech republic where the average adult drinds a few half liters of Pilsener a day. During the week I generally don't have her to my house so that I can get drunk. I am not sure if she knows why or not but I know that I hurt her with it.
I used to be a very goal oriented, focused, studious, and athletic individual. In the last few years that has really crashed....I am just barely a "functional" alcoholic. I used to be able to handle it and come out pretty well...now my drive is gone and my health is feeling farther and farther away.
After a month with my therapist two springs ago, I told her the steps I was taking and she said "I think you are getting ready to quit"...I hope that is where I am now.
-me
Yesterday morning I had planned to write that post when I realized what was happening...when my mind flipped the switch from "this can't happen anymore" to "how can I justify drinking tonight". I went through some therapy last year which lead to my month of freedom and I was able to really reflect to someone what this was doing to me and the crazy behavior that I justified. I had a great therapist who was a former alcoholic. I need to go see her. I stopped abruptly when I a) met a new girl (the old one landed me in therapy ;-) and b) had an old friend coming to town and couldn't imagine not drinking when he was here. whoops
At 33, I have had two sober months in 15 years. I have journals from my early 20's that sound just like my late 20's and sadly both more encouraging than now! ;-) (the first free month was in my mid 20's...I was preparing for a hockey tournament in Vegas where I planned to stay hammered for a week...everyone kept telling me to shut up at work about how great I felt without drinking) A 2 beer a day habit has become 10. When I say "journals"...I think I started writing once in a while in my 20's when I realized I was drinking too much.
I just got back from a trip to Europe with my girlfriend on which the defining theme was "how can I end us up where there is alcohol tonight?"...thankfully we were in the CZech republic where the average adult drinds a few half liters of Pilsener a day. During the week I generally don't have her to my house so that I can get drunk. I am not sure if she knows why or not but I know that I hurt her with it.
I used to be a very goal oriented, focused, studious, and athletic individual. In the last few years that has really crashed....I am just barely a "functional" alcoholic. I used to be able to handle it and come out pretty well...now my drive is gone and my health is feeling farther and farther away.
After a month with my therapist two springs ago, I told her the steps I was taking and she said "I think you are getting ready to quit"...I hope that is where I am now.
-me
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: some where / no where
Posts: 1,019
Coyote-
You are where I was 11 days ago. I quit on sept. 24th. My story is similar to yours. I was a heavy beer drinker and a "functional" alchoholic. I converted an old fridge into a keg beer machine.. to feed my daily 6-12/16oz pint habit. I hear you, and I can relate to what you've written above.
It sounds like you are ready to quit. I'm rooting for you. This website is a great place to go for support. You can do this, and you will regain your health. Honestly, a month ago, I had no belief whatsoever that I'd have the courage to quit drinking beer. I started on this site just like you: a person who is tired of trying to control and hide my drinking. I've awoke at 4 am countless times to the foggy hangover and horrible thoughts....it's a nightmare, but it's possible to recover.
I'm not saying I've recovered, I'm just saying YOU have the potential to recover. You can do this, and SR will help you.
chip
You are where I was 11 days ago. I quit on sept. 24th. My story is similar to yours. I was a heavy beer drinker and a "functional" alchoholic. I converted an old fridge into a keg beer machine.. to feed my daily 6-12/16oz pint habit. I hear you, and I can relate to what you've written above.
It sounds like you are ready to quit. I'm rooting for you. This website is a great place to go for support. You can do this, and you will regain your health. Honestly, a month ago, I had no belief whatsoever that I'd have the courage to quit drinking beer. I started on this site just like you: a person who is tired of trying to control and hide my drinking. I've awoke at 4 am countless times to the foggy hangover and horrible thoughts....it's a nightmare, but it's possible to recover.
I'm not saying I've recovered, I'm just saying YOU have the potential to recover. You can do this, and SR will help you.
chip
Been there and done.
Join Date: May 2005
Location: West Coast North America
Posts: 269
Again I am struck by the clarity of observation and the honesty. I am sure you were an interesting diarist and will be again.
Chip, despite the desperate vision painted, I am not hearing a person ready to quit.
coyote, you are describing the train-wreck about to occur, and the nostalgia for periods of sobriety, but I don't hear the imperative to quit. Are you ready to quit or not quite sure?
Chip, despite the desperate vision painted, I am not hearing a person ready to quit.
coyote, you are describing the train-wreck about to occur, and the nostalgia for periods of sobriety, but I don't hear the imperative to quit. Are you ready to quit or not quite sure?
We all need each other.
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: The road of happy destiny.
Posts: 2,294
Originally Posted by AndrewBeen
Again I am struck by the clarity of observation and the honesty. I am sure you were an interesting diarist and will be again.
Chip, despite the desperate vision painted, I am not hearing a person ready to quit.
coyote, you are describing the train-wreck about to occur, and the nostalgia for periods of sobriety, but I don't hear the imperative to quit. Are you ready to quit or not quite sure?
Chip, despite the desperate vision painted, I am not hearing a person ready to quit.
coyote, you are describing the train-wreck about to occur, and the nostalgia for periods of sobriety, but I don't hear the imperative to quit. Are you ready to quit or not quite sure?
Just want to say welcome, Coyote. Quitting again is possible--you just have to do it. When I quit, I needed treatment, therapy, and AA. I have now been clean and sober 19+ months. Life still has its ups and downs, but it is infinitely better.
Hang out, read alot, post some more, and let us get to know you. If you really want it, you can do this....
Hugs--
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: ...
Posts: 87
Originally Posted by wecoyote13
Have you ever awakened at 5 AM, much to your displeasure, unable to sleep, in a strange hangover fog with half a headache.
If he permitted us to simply sleep off the worst part of the drinking experience, we'd find less motivation to quit!
I think he's saying "This is the time I'm giving you to think about what you're doing - make the most of it!"
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: The Mohave Desert
Posts: 2,306
Welcome Coyote :e06e
Your Thread is off to a rip roaring start...
I can tell you one thing from repeated experience my good fellow, it only gets worse. In my case much,much worse....
This place help me to stay sober, and many other tools that I have picked up over the past 10 years of fighting my addiction to alcohol.
The fellowship of AA is another....
etiquette...?
.
Your Thread is off to a rip roaring start...
I can tell you one thing from repeated experience my good fellow, it only gets worse. In my case much,much worse....
This place help me to stay sober, and many other tools that I have picked up over the past 10 years of fighting my addiction to alcohol.
The fellowship of AA is another....
etiquette...?
.
Been there and done.
Join Date: May 2005
Location: West Coast North America
Posts: 269
misunderstanding
Originally Posted by lulu70
Actually, AB, Chip has quit and he is doing quite well. Perhaps you haven't been around on the Newcomers board for a while....
Just want to say welcome, Coyote. Quitting again is possible--you just have to do it. When I quit, I needed treatment, therapy, and AA. I have now been clean and sober 19+ months. Life still has its ups and downs, but it is infinitely better.
Hang out, read alot, post some more, and let us get to know you. If you really want it, you can do this....
Hugs--
Just want to say welcome, Coyote. Quitting again is possible--you just have to do it. When I quit, I needed treatment, therapy, and AA. I have now been clean and sober 19+ months. Life still has its ups and downs, but it is infinitely better.
Hang out, read alot, post some more, and let us get to know you. If you really want it, you can do this....
Hugs--
I know Chip has quit -- sorry about the misunderstanding. I was commenting to Chip about his comment that Coyote sounded like he was ready to give up drinking. I didn't hear that.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: some where / no where
Posts: 1,019
Hello LauraLu!!!
Andrewbeen- I understood what you meant. Only Coyote knows if he is ready to quit or not. If he isn't ready, he sounds like he's almost ready....to me anyway.
Where are you Coyote? We care about you, and we want to help you...... If I'm coming on too strong, let me know, and I'll back off...
chip
Andrewbeen- I understood what you meant. Only Coyote knows if he is ready to quit or not. If he isn't ready, he sounds like he's almost ready....to me anyway.
Where are you Coyote? We care about you, and we want to help you...... If I'm coming on too strong, let me know, and I'll back off...
chip
Been there and done.
Join Date: May 2005
Location: West Coast North America
Posts: 269
Hey Coyote, I am in the Bay Area too, and still very much a newcomer. Perhaps we could compare notes about which meetings to go to, work best,etc. We are in similar circumstances, so perhaps we could compare notes. Shoot me a PM!
Andrew
Andrew
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Bay Area
Posts: 24
No, no, no one is coming on too strong...I am here for a reason.
Honestly I have started what is for me the only was to prepare for not drinking...exercise. I have found, and written on this board before, that if I get up at 5 or so AM, work out to the best of my ability (i.e. get exercise) I feel much less like drinking, and even if I don't defeat the urge entirely I am so tired by the drinking hours that I cant hit my usual pace.
My drinking cycle is exacerbated by lack of exercise...or the depression caused by it (of course the lack of exercise is caused by drinking in the first place)...but for the last two nights I have been too busy and tired to write on the board. During my Wednesday bout with "the awful thoughts" I got up at 4:00 am, made coffee, played with my dogs, and went to the gym at 5...then worked a full day from 8 to 6...this is how I go from out of control drinking and severe depression to "I can get a handle on this"...
the only time in the last 8 years that I have quit began with such an effort. I believe that it is smart for anyone who is quitting to shift their day earlier such that in their prime drinking hours, they are too damn tired to drink. I know I just simply feel like it less when I have the high of exercise to fall back on.
I have many steps to take from here...like seeing my therapist, probably getting a sponsor, making sober friends, etc...but this is where I am at...
I am totally whooped from what i am trying to do...which is great!!!...so I will try to write some tomorrow...
It is a wierd feeling...I feel so strongly that I know what has helped me and can help others quit...how great it was to be sober....but I returned to drinking...so in ways I digress...I am still on a path to sobriety...
nite all...
-me
Honestly I have started what is for me the only was to prepare for not drinking...exercise. I have found, and written on this board before, that if I get up at 5 or so AM, work out to the best of my ability (i.e. get exercise) I feel much less like drinking, and even if I don't defeat the urge entirely I am so tired by the drinking hours that I cant hit my usual pace.
My drinking cycle is exacerbated by lack of exercise...or the depression caused by it (of course the lack of exercise is caused by drinking in the first place)...but for the last two nights I have been too busy and tired to write on the board. During my Wednesday bout with "the awful thoughts" I got up at 4:00 am, made coffee, played with my dogs, and went to the gym at 5...then worked a full day from 8 to 6...this is how I go from out of control drinking and severe depression to "I can get a handle on this"...
the only time in the last 8 years that I have quit began with such an effort. I believe that it is smart for anyone who is quitting to shift their day earlier such that in their prime drinking hours, they are too damn tired to drink. I know I just simply feel like it less when I have the high of exercise to fall back on.
I have many steps to take from here...like seeing my therapist, probably getting a sponsor, making sober friends, etc...but this is where I am at...
I am totally whooped from what i am trying to do...which is great!!!...so I will try to write some tomorrow...
It is a wierd feeling...I feel so strongly that I know what has helped me and can help others quit...how great it was to be sober....but I returned to drinking...so in ways I digress...I am still on a path to sobriety...
nite all...
-me
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Reading your plan and thinking of a plan I had... mine didn't work.
the exercise part wasn't in mine.
Have you thought about what it was that had you go back to the drinking?
A trigger that you can avoid if it returns a next time?
the exercise part wasn't in mine.
Have you thought about what it was that had you go back to the drinking?
A trigger that you can avoid if it returns a next time?
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