Close Call

I get drunk whenever I'm alone, that is whenever I go for a trip alone or my wife does. I can't live with myself and I don't what to do. I never 'plan' to get pissed, just think that a beer or two won't hurt, but it never stops at that, of course. My wife says she won't have it anymore and I can't blame her. I have let her down so many times. Last time - two days ago - I went out to get some, got drunk and robbed and can't remember what really happened. My (second) wife is the only thing I have, and I love her so much. She does not drink much but comes from an alcoholic family - and so do I. I have been thinking that the best would be to end it all - for everyone's sake - but I'm too much of a coward. I despise myself, hate myself for hurting her, destroying everything that means anything to her and to me. I am an idiot and feel like a complete failure. How do you live with yourself? How do you restore your self-esteem? I wish I could turn back time. Thanks.

CarolD

Yes...I remember those days of alcoholic depression.
My life seemed so dark and bleak.

Do you have AA in your area?
AA is where I found healing and a sober life.

You are not alone...stay here and read our post...ask questions if you like.

Blessings

Cap3

How do you restore your self-esteem?By moving forward,one day at a time.
Ditto,to what Carol says,
Keep on,keeping on.
And welcome!!!!!You are no longer all alone.

Cathy31

it can be done and a realyo good starting point is aa which can help you stay sober and examine all those underlying things too....you would be amazed how quickly self est4eem will start to be restored!!!! Don't give up!!! This is a great starting point, and admitting your life is unmanageable and you have a problem is also a brilliant starting point...well done!!! Hang in there!
cath
x

In memory of miracle

Well...you have realized acouple of very important triggers there.Next time you know you are going to be alone,make plans to do something,such as attend an AA meeting,call a friend,pray and dont drink even if your a$$ falls off! I did the same as you for a long time,till I realized the results were ALWAYS the same.Drinking=misery.Finding some support may be just what you need.Bless.
Trish

AndrewBeen

I think Cathy hit it on the head.

There are (at least) two levels of things happening. There is a chemical thing going on, where substances in your body are driving how you think and feel. They drive how you think and feel even when you are not drunk. It takes months if not years to get clear chemically.

Secondly, there is a psychological/spiritual level of things. Things that need to be worked out, in your own head and with others. Things that need to be addressed. Amends to be made, perhaps.

The first step is to get clear chemically. When you are free of the control of the chemicals then you can begin to think and feel again.

When you are free of their control you can address the underlying stuff, which will help you stay sober and lead you to greater levels of understanding and contentment.

I don't think it makes sense to kill yourself. SOO much easier just to get clean.

ARIES

The only thing that works for me is quiting...Hang around here I should say...I was thinkin bout suicide too last week and still I don't feel pretty good...But the only thing that can help me is staying around on SR...And read other peoples post and react on those...You will see that you're not alone and you will get a lot of suport here and even make some friends....Please hang on and stick around...I just came back from hell (again)and maybe that also keeps me sober...Noone deserves hell...Neither do you...So I should say keep on posting...Love from Stefanie

NoMoBeer

Nope, you're not a failure. You may have just lost the choice of drinking or not drinking. Me too. Ditto to what others before me have said -- AA gives me a way of life in which I can enjoy living, sober. I don't have to beat myself up or blame others....

Give AA a shot.

Ken

Junkyard Dog

I even tried to crash my wife's Jeep into a wall going 70 MPH. God must have reached down and righted the truck 2-3 times. I bounced like a pinball all over the freeway and never got a scratch. I gave up at that point, I put it all in the Lord's hands.

No, I am not suggesting you try this at home I was lucky, stupid, but lucky.

I am saying there is hope for you. Ending it will not make your wife feel better about your drinking. You need to go see someone about this, a Doctor perhaps. I did, I was treated for depression. It made me into a new man.

fraankie

no sympathy here
go to AA
run, don't walk

jlo34

As everyone else has said one way or another: GO TO AA. You DON'T have to do this by yourself. AA believes in "WE" do it together. You only have to be alone if you choose to be alone. You will also discover that just like SR, in AA, everyone knows exactly what you are talking about....we've all been there, in one shape or form, we've all been there. We've all survived(ing) and for the most part have happy, contented lives today. AA is a program of action. If you are willing to do the work, you too can be happy, joyous and free if you choose to trudge the road to happy destiny with us.

Religion vs Spirituality: Religion is for the folks that don't want to go to Hell. Spirituality is for those who've already been there and don't want to go back. AA is a spiritual program.

God bless,
Jen