Sorry?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Sask.
Posts: 64
Sorry?
Does the alcoholic really mean it when they say sorry? It's hard to believe him because he just turns around and does the very same thing the next day. I've been in Alanon for a year now, you'd think I'd know this by now. My "A" and I have been together for 10 years now. He talks about getting help after every bing, goes part way and quits. He went to 2 open AA meetings a month ago which helped a bit but I suspect he's drinking again. Doesn't read the literature or try a closed meeting. I know... back off. I haven't been nagging. It's just very frustrating and I feel we are growing farther apart as time goes on and I can't even discuss a future with him, holidays, etc. He doesn't talk about much of anything except work.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Hi Summer,
I used to make all kinds of deals with my wife when the heat was on and stuck to the deal just long enough to get her to shut up.
Could be that your "A" is just placating you to keep you around. Could be that what he needs is to be told that until he gets help and stays sober for a couple years, you're out of there.
Just a suggestion....!
I used to make all kinds of deals with my wife when the heat was on and stuck to the deal just long enough to get her to shut up.
Could be that your "A" is just placating you to keep you around. Could be that what he needs is to be told that until he gets help and stays sober for a couple years, you're out of there.
Just a suggestion....!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: land of 10,000 lakes
Posts: 261
Summer,
Hey welcome!! I suppose you posted this
on the alcoholic site to get a reply form a alcoholic.
Instead of the alanon site.
Your question is a great one. I can only
answer it from my stand point. While I was in
the throws of drinking, once in a while I said
I was sorry and really meant it. Most of the time
though it was to attempt to make things right
so I could be Ok with drinking. There were all
sorts of lies I told others and myself,
as I precieved it at the time not melisousily(SP).
Now though, being sober I find
that I do not have to say I'm sorry as much
and when I do say it my family or friends
know it is genuine.
I hope this helps you a little. It helped
me by reminding me what it use to be like.
Thanks for making MY Thanksgiving a better day.
Only wish I could do the same for you and yours.
Keep warm up there.
Blessings,
Vince
ps music said this in fewer words.
Hey welcome!! I suppose you posted this
on the alcoholic site to get a reply form a alcoholic.
Instead of the alanon site.
Your question is a great one. I can only
answer it from my stand point. While I was in
the throws of drinking, once in a while I said
I was sorry and really meant it. Most of the time
though it was to attempt to make things right
so I could be Ok with drinking. There were all
sorts of lies I told others and myself,
as I precieved it at the time not melisousily(SP).
Now though, being sober I find
that I do not have to say I'm sorry as much
and when I do say it my family or friends
know it is genuine.
I hope this helps you a little. It helped
me by reminding me what it use to be like.
Thanks for making MY Thanksgiving a better day.
Only wish I could do the same for you and yours.
Keep warm up there.
Blessings,
Vince
ps music said this in fewer words.
Guest
Posts: n/a
Vinnie, I can relate to trying to say things in fewer words!
Summer, when I was drinking and/or drugging, I was constantly apologizing to somebody for something. Usually I was trying to "hide" my "activities" and trying to save face, but everyone knew....I was the last one to figure out I had a problem.
There used to be alot of things I did regularly, that I always had the intention of stopping the next day, but never did. Part of my insanity.
Today I don't live like that.
Summer, when I was drinking and/or drugging, I was constantly apologizing to somebody for something. Usually I was trying to "hide" my "activities" and trying to save face, but everyone knew....I was the last one to figure out I had a problem.
There used to be alot of things I did regularly, that I always had the intention of stopping the next day, but never did. Part of my insanity.
Today I don't live like that.
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
I said I was sorry a thousand times and I meant it too.I really really meant it.
I was just utterly and completly powerless over going back and doing the same thing over again.
I would wake up the following morning filled with shame and remorse completely confused and bewildered and wondering how the hell did that happen again.
My disease is cunning baffling and powerful and it won everytime.
Of course there were the times I told people things because I felt it was what they wanted to hear and because I knew it would buy me some time.
I know you already know this,but the only thing you can do is focus on your own recovery in Alanon and just get on with your own life.
When I was actively using I was in no position to talk about "THE FUTURE". Are you kidding.The only thought I had about the future was where my next drink was coming from.
I would speak with great authority about my accomplishments at work but the fact is my life was UNMANAGABLE.
I wish you luck.
I was just utterly and completly powerless over going back and doing the same thing over again.
I would wake up the following morning filled with shame and remorse completely confused and bewildered and wondering how the hell did that happen again.
My disease is cunning baffling and powerful and it won everytime.
Of course there were the times I told people things because I felt it was what they wanted to hear and because I knew it would buy me some time.
I know you already know this,but the only thing you can do is focus on your own recovery in Alanon and just get on with your own life.
When I was actively using I was in no position to talk about "THE FUTURE". Are you kidding.The only thought I had about the future was where my next drink was coming from.
I would speak with great authority about my accomplishments at work but the fact is my life was UNMANAGABLE.
I wish you luck.
Paused
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: San Jacinto, California
Posts: 71
Wow, I still have some anger here!
I said sorry to my children and truly meant it. Never said sorry to the "X." A lot of my drinking was trying to get even with him for knocking me around. I welcomed blackouts. He drank too, but never admitted he had a problem.
There are times I think of how I would love to see him with a black eye and broken teeth. He married another alcoholic and is beating the heck out of her. I know of four broken ribs she has had. This jerk is 74 and still following the same pattern.
Nineteen years sober and I still have work to do....an inside job.
I hope this helps. You are dealing with a cunning person who is living on alcohol which is also cunning.
My love,
Beverly
I said sorry to my children and truly meant it. Never said sorry to the "X." A lot of my drinking was trying to get even with him for knocking me around. I welcomed blackouts. He drank too, but never admitted he had a problem.
There are times I think of how I would love to see him with a black eye and broken teeth. He married another alcoholic and is beating the heck out of her. I know of four broken ribs she has had. This jerk is 74 and still following the same pattern.
Nineteen years sober and I still have work to do....an inside job.
I hope this helps. You are dealing with a cunning person who is living on alcohol which is also cunning.
My love,
Beverly
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: land of 10,000 lakes
Posts: 261
Pickle, This helped me with anger." Angre=to strangle also
angr=grief. Add just one letter to anger and you get
danger. Alot of us feel danger when there is anger brewing
either in others or in ourselves. The reason is that we
are unsafe with our own anger and ergo unsafe with the
anger of others. Anger itself is simply energy-neutral in
nature-like electricity. Electricity can dry your hair or ele-
ctrocute you; it depends how you use it. The same with anger.
The latin etymology of the word means to strangle,
and that's often how we feel when we're angry- either
like we're being strangled or that we'd like to strangle someone else! Often, anger is a simple indicator that we need to say NO to whatever is causing the anger. It took years for me to get in touch with myself when I was angry. Once I did I freed up a
great deal of emotional energy for myself since I wasn't strangeling it. I've also discovered that deeper than my anger is sadness, so it's no suprise that the Old Norse word for anger means grief. Related words to anger are telling as well: anguish,
anxious, even angina. Anger doesn't always have to cause danger because we can always choose how we act on it. If we allwo it to be anger can become a trusted friend. Anger is a guide worth our trust. Ask: How can I make choices about my anger (or that of others) today?" By: Susan Corso
Blessings to All,
Vince
angr=grief. Add just one letter to anger and you get
danger. Alot of us feel danger when there is anger brewing
either in others or in ourselves. The reason is that we
are unsafe with our own anger and ergo unsafe with the
anger of others. Anger itself is simply energy-neutral in
nature-like electricity. Electricity can dry your hair or ele-
ctrocute you; it depends how you use it. The same with anger.
The latin etymology of the word means to strangle,
and that's often how we feel when we're angry- either
like we're being strangled or that we'd like to strangle someone else! Often, anger is a simple indicator that we need to say NO to whatever is causing the anger. It took years for me to get in touch with myself when I was angry. Once I did I freed up a
great deal of emotional energy for myself since I wasn't strangeling it. I've also discovered that deeper than my anger is sadness, so it's no suprise that the Old Norse word for anger means grief. Related words to anger are telling as well: anguish,
anxious, even angina. Anger doesn't always have to cause danger because we can always choose how we act on it. If we allwo it to be anger can become a trusted friend. Anger is a guide worth our trust. Ask: How can I make choices about my anger (or that of others) today?" By: Susan Corso
Blessings to All,
Vince
Paused
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: San Jacinto, California
Posts: 71
Dear Vinnie,
Thank you so much this really helps. I very seldom have anger raise it's ugly head with the exception of protecting my young. BUT in the area of the "X" yes I would love to strangle him!!!!
Women from my generation (69 on 12/3) hid our abuse. I can't tell you how many times the police would visit our home and nothing was done to help ME. I went through about nine different psychiatrist, psychologist and MD's. NEVER once did I tell them how he abused me. That is really being sick.
In Hawaii, he beat me up so badly I couldn't see for two days. The doctor came to the house and told me to stay away from the stairs. There was another jerk.
I owe so much to the fellowship. How very ill I was walking into that first meeting. The "X" went to my first meeting and then dumped it. I even apologized to him at that meeting. I was one sick puppy.
There is hope for everyone if the desire is there.
Love you Vinnie. You say so many things that help us all. Just telling this to you has calmed the old girl immensely.
Love, Beverly the Pickle
P.S.
Unsafe? I never felt safe during the 25 years of my marriage. I found out in later years that my children were afraid of him too. They never realized what I went through and they still don't.
Thank you so much this really helps. I very seldom have anger raise it's ugly head with the exception of protecting my young. BUT in the area of the "X" yes I would love to strangle him!!!!
Women from my generation (69 on 12/3) hid our abuse. I can't tell you how many times the police would visit our home and nothing was done to help ME. I went through about nine different psychiatrist, psychologist and MD's. NEVER once did I tell them how he abused me. That is really being sick.
In Hawaii, he beat me up so badly I couldn't see for two days. The doctor came to the house and told me to stay away from the stairs. There was another jerk.
I owe so much to the fellowship. How very ill I was walking into that first meeting. The "X" went to my first meeting and then dumped it. I even apologized to him at that meeting. I was one sick puppy.
There is hope for everyone if the desire is there.
Love you Vinnie. You say so many things that help us all. Just telling this to you has calmed the old girl immensely.
Love, Beverly the Pickle
P.S.
Unsafe? I never felt safe during the 25 years of my marriage. I found out in later years that my children were afraid of him too. They never realized what I went through and they still don't.
Last edited by Pickle; 11-30-2002 at 11:17 AM.
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