Any of you good people choose drinking over your family?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Any of you good people choose drinking over your family?
Any of you good people choose drinking over your family? My A/H is divorcing me after 27 (mostly very good )years instead of even trying to quit. How much of this is "midlife crisis", I do not know.......but kids refuse to live with him so he has been out of home for three years. Said we (esp. me "made him drink"..right!). Well, I asked him if he ever stopped, even as an experiment........he finally said no: he never did, and never will.
He still has a very good job, cars, golfs at the country club, yada,yada....
Any of you get to that point? It has taken him 2 1/2 years to file. I am having a really hard time with this. Usually the sober one files against the A...this is adding insult to injury! I don't know what I expect to hear (except he hasn't reached his bottom yet) but anyone else leave their family to drink?
He still has a very good job, cars, golfs at the country club, yada,yada....
Any of you get to that point? It has taken him 2 1/2 years to file. I am having a really hard time with this. Usually the sober one files against the A...this is adding insult to injury! I don't know what I expect to hear (except he hasn't reached his bottom yet) but anyone else leave their family to drink?
Getting Restored To Sanity
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Florida
Posts: 179
First of all, I am sorry to hear what you are going through. It is always a difficult topic to deal with because it is near and dear to my heart. I am an alcoholic and unfortunately so is my father. My parents wound up divorced this year due to my fathers actions while drinking.
I know my mother wouldn't have left him if he would have tried to get sober. He got bad during his mid life crisis and kept going even until today. We were all hoping he would join AA and clean himself up (we still hope for this). He is out there and won't look back...tells me he is going to enjoy whatever time he has left on earth with no regard to what he did to my mother. I am sorry to say, unless he wants to quit, he won't. I will pray for you that your husband turns his life around. I really don't like talking to my father. But, if he cleaned up, I would. Best of luck and my heart goes out to you and your family.
Just know it is not your fault and you are not alone.
I know my mother wouldn't have left him if he would have tried to get sober. He got bad during his mid life crisis and kept going even until today. We were all hoping he would join AA and clean himself up (we still hope for this). He is out there and won't look back...tells me he is going to enjoy whatever time he has left on earth with no regard to what he did to my mother. I am sorry to say, unless he wants to quit, he won't. I will pray for you that your husband turns his life around. I really don't like talking to my father. But, if he cleaned up, I would. Best of luck and my heart goes out to you and your family.
Just know it is not your fault and you are not alone.
Been there and done.
Join Date: May 2005
Location: West Coast North America
Posts: 269
Tyler, it wasn't an 80's hair band. It was Joni Mitchell's song Big Yellow Taxi:
"Don't it always seem to go
You don't know what you got till it's gone,
They paved paradise, put up a parking lot."
"Don't it always seem to go
You don't know what you got till it's gone,
They paved paradise, put up a parking lot."
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Thank you both for answering...it helps. Our two kids (23 and 17) say I should be divorcing him and they only speak to him basically because of me.......it is all so sad and frustrating.
Thanks again! (and continued success!)
Thanks again! (and continued success!)
too much on my plate!!
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
((((((Pick))))))
I'm sorry for what you're going through. I usually post over on the family and friend boards. I think even though I did kick my xabf out, he pretty much told me that he was going to work back on the East coast, which meant lots of partying, and lying to me about going to AA, as we were so far apart. He knew what it would take to keep me as his gf; instead choose the other route to keep drinking, and in turn labeled it
"doing what I have to do." Yeah right!! It was just the easy way out. To be away from me and more closer to the booze.
I'm sorry for what you're going through. I usually post over on the family and friend boards. I think even though I did kick my xabf out, he pretty much told me that he was going to work back on the East coast, which meant lots of partying, and lying to me about going to AA, as we were so far apart. He knew what it would take to keep me as his gf; instead choose the other route to keep drinking, and in turn labeled it
"doing what I have to do." Yeah right!! It was just the easy way out. To be away from me and more closer to the booze.
Not all better, getting better
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Originally Posted by AndrewBeen
Tyler, it wasn't an 80's hair band. It was Joni Mitchell's song Big Yellow Taxi:
"Don't it always seem to go
You don't know what you got till it's gone,
They paved paradise, put up a parking lot."
"Don't it always seem to go
You don't know what you got till it's gone,
They paved paradise, put up a parking lot."
I can't tell ya baby what went wrong
I can't make you feel what you felt
So long ago, I'll let it show
I can't give you back what's been hurt
Heartaches come and go and all that's
Left are the words I can't let go
If we take some time think it over baby
Take some time let me know
If you really wanna go
(CHORUS
Don't know what you got till it's gone
Don't know what it is I did so wrong
Now I know what I've got
It's just this song
And it ain't easy to get back
Takes so long
I can't feel the things that cause you pain
I can't clear my heart of your love
It falls like rain, ain't the same
I hear you calling far away
Tearing through my soul I just can't
Take another day, who's to blame
If we take some time think it over baby
Take some time let me know
If you really wanna go
(CHORUS)
Do you want to see me beggin' baby
Can't you give me just one more day
Can't you see my heart's been draggin' lately
I've been lookin' for the words to say
Miss Behavin'
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: regina,saskatchewan
Posts: 966
(((Pickaname)))
i'm sorry for your heartache, i pray for you, your family and your husband.
you can't save him.
no one could save me but me.
i had to hit bottom before i could see what i was doing to myself. i almost died before that happened
yes, i choose booze and drugs over my life, my girls, my family, my sanity.
that's the insanity of this disease. How cunning, baffling and powerful it is. I couldn't see through the fog. My brain wasn't functioning at full tilt. Obsessive, compulsive. all i cared about was my using.
but that's just it Pick, we ARE good people, but we're so very sick when actively using.
i can only imagine how hard it really is for you, i would let him go, put yourself first, and your kids.
Thats what my girls and my family did. They let me go. It took me 3 years to hit that bottom. The guilt and shame kept me out there. But no one could fix me but me, bottom line.
i've learned that no one MAKES me do anything. I used to blame my ex for my drinking.
Today i take responsibility for my own actions. And no one today MAKES me feel anything either. I choose how i feel.
Be good to yourself
hugs, Wendy
i'm sorry for your heartache, i pray for you, your family and your husband.
you can't save him.
no one could save me but me.
i had to hit bottom before i could see what i was doing to myself. i almost died before that happened
yes, i choose booze and drugs over my life, my girls, my family, my sanity.
that's the insanity of this disease. How cunning, baffling and powerful it is. I couldn't see through the fog. My brain wasn't functioning at full tilt. Obsessive, compulsive. all i cared about was my using.
but that's just it Pick, we ARE good people, but we're so very sick when actively using.
i can only imagine how hard it really is for you, i would let him go, put yourself first, and your kids.
Thats what my girls and my family did. They let me go. It took me 3 years to hit that bottom. The guilt and shame kept me out there. But no one could fix me but me, bottom line.
i've learned that no one MAKES me do anything. I used to blame my ex for my drinking.
Today i take responsibility for my own actions. And no one today MAKES me feel anything either. I choose how i feel.
Be good to yourself
hugs, Wendy
Little Girl Found
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: North Andover, MA
Posts: 567
Yeah, I agree with what Wendy said.
I had to hit bottom too before I decided that I have had enough. And, I definitely choose my drinking over my family. Nothing seemed more important to me than sitting in an empty parking lot, freezing my butt off as long as I had a bottle to suck on. There is a process that every alcoholic has to go through in order to finally see the situation they're in. Some end up dead as a result. Some come through alive, like myself--pretty badly mangled but alive none-the-less and READY and WILLING to do whatever it takes to NEVER go THERE again! It's really heart-wrenching to watch, I'm sure...but it's necessary. All that another person can do while an alcoholic is going through this process is pray...pray for guidance, strength, acceptance, and peace that what is happening is happening for a good reason--that everything is as it should be.
My heart goes out for you, Pick. Being on the other side...I'm finally beginning to see how much pain I actually caused. While I was actively using...I could not see beyond my selfish little world that revolved around me, me, me. Although I might argue up and down sideways and crossways that I DO care about what I'm putting someone else through...and as Wendy said--we really AREN'T bad people--just very very sick while we're using...it's really not the true--otherwise, we would just give up and go home.
I, too, would blame this that and the other thing for my drinking...but after having--first of all surrendered and then doing whatever it took to stay sober--I had to take a good look at all my behaviors and resentments and how I always made what someone else did all about ME.
Like people here have said--all you can really do is take care of YOURSELF--I mean, for your own sanity. Know that you're not alone, though. There are thousands of others going through the same thing. Hook up with these people and gather inspiration and strength from them as well.
(((hugs)))
Danielle
I had to hit bottom too before I decided that I have had enough. And, I definitely choose my drinking over my family. Nothing seemed more important to me than sitting in an empty parking lot, freezing my butt off as long as I had a bottle to suck on. There is a process that every alcoholic has to go through in order to finally see the situation they're in. Some end up dead as a result. Some come through alive, like myself--pretty badly mangled but alive none-the-less and READY and WILLING to do whatever it takes to NEVER go THERE again! It's really heart-wrenching to watch, I'm sure...but it's necessary. All that another person can do while an alcoholic is going through this process is pray...pray for guidance, strength, acceptance, and peace that what is happening is happening for a good reason--that everything is as it should be.
My heart goes out for you, Pick. Being on the other side...I'm finally beginning to see how much pain I actually caused. While I was actively using...I could not see beyond my selfish little world that revolved around me, me, me. Although I might argue up and down sideways and crossways that I DO care about what I'm putting someone else through...and as Wendy said--we really AREN'T bad people--just very very sick while we're using...it's really not the true--otherwise, we would just give up and go home.
I, too, would blame this that and the other thing for my drinking...but after having--first of all surrendered and then doing whatever it took to stay sober--I had to take a good look at all my behaviors and resentments and how I always made what someone else did all about ME.
Like people here have said--all you can really do is take care of YOURSELF--I mean, for your own sanity. Know that you're not alone, though. There are thousands of others going through the same thing. Hook up with these people and gather inspiration and strength from them as well.
(((hugs)))
Danielle
Michael
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: London England
Posts: 291
Pick-a-name,
I am sorry to hear that you are having such a bad time with the divorce proceedings. when I was drinking I held down a good job, functioned reasonably well but I would have given anything up that came between me and a drink. If my wife had walked out on me because of my drinking I would have let her go.....no argument no begging no nothing. The most important thing in my life was the next drink. Family and friends don't come close. In fact any friends I had were all heavy drinker / alcoholics anyway.
Speaking only for myself I can tell you that I had to hit my rock bottom before I realised what I was doing to me and to my family. Nothing anyone had said before that moment would have diverted me from the course I was on.
The thing you have to keep telling yourself is that your husband's alcoholism is solely his problem and that nothing you say or do will alter that. I am sorry if this all sounds bleak but it is the truth. The only comfort you can take from this is that his alcoholism is not your fault. Nobody made me drink and I am dead certain that nobody is making your husband drink. You must eliminate any feelings of guilt (unless you were brought up in a staunch Irish catholic household where guilt is obligatory LoL).
Best wishes
Michael
I am sorry to hear that you are having such a bad time with the divorce proceedings. when I was drinking I held down a good job, functioned reasonably well but I would have given anything up that came between me and a drink. If my wife had walked out on me because of my drinking I would have let her go.....no argument no begging no nothing. The most important thing in my life was the next drink. Family and friends don't come close. In fact any friends I had were all heavy drinker / alcoholics anyway.
Speaking only for myself I can tell you that I had to hit my rock bottom before I realised what I was doing to me and to my family. Nothing anyone had said before that moment would have diverted me from the course I was on.
The thing you have to keep telling yourself is that your husband's alcoholism is solely his problem and that nothing you say or do will alter that. I am sorry if this all sounds bleak but it is the truth. The only comfort you can take from this is that his alcoholism is not your fault. Nobody made me drink and I am dead certain that nobody is making your husband drink. You must eliminate any feelings of guilt (unless you were brought up in a staunch Irish catholic household where guilt is obligatory LoL).
Best wishes
Michael
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Was dry but not sober. Separated and I filed. The choice wasn't drinking over family, it was the selfishness that poisoned my mind. Me Me Me, it was all about ME. Selfishness can be as blinding and the alcohol. Till I started to recover from myself, I was blind.
The most important piece of info I can give and do give those on the recieving end of the selfish behavior alcohol can bring out...
It is not anything you did or didn't do. Heaven knows my wife tried fixing me and bent over backwards in her efforts. She didn't cause it and she couldn't fix it. My issues, my problems, only I could hit bottom and have my eyes get opened up. As it is, my eyes were opened and she accepted me back...even after ALL the crap I did.
Composure…tissue… deep breath… I am one blessed man to have such a wife.
The most important piece of info I can give and do give those on the recieving end of the selfish behavior alcohol can bring out...
It is not anything you did or didn't do. Heaven knows my wife tried fixing me and bent over backwards in her efforts. She didn't cause it and she couldn't fix it. My issues, my problems, only I could hit bottom and have my eyes get opened up. As it is, my eyes were opened and she accepted me back...even after ALL the crap I did.
Composure…tissue… deep breath… I am one blessed man to have such a wife.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Thank you all. It helped me do what I had to do. I made up a list of financial terms for our kids and sent them to him and the lawyer( I didn't want to talk for fear I would soften): straight and to the point. I said this is what I need; will not sign without this but I can and will wait as long as it takes. And then I go. period. Told the lawyer to just make sure it is done.
Told husband, I am sorry, don't want this, but kids and I can not tolerate his behavior; he knows what we need but that it is his choice. I did wonder outloud what will happen without me to try to blame all his troubles on now. That may some day be a scary thought for him....I hope it is.
Thank you all. I was a wreck yesterday; today I was able to do what was necessary for the kids and me....and truthfully, the most loving thing for him. Your kindness and understanding is very comforting; and proof that recovery IS possible for those who are willing to do what it takes. I wish you all well, and send each and everyone one of you a big hug!
Told husband, I am sorry, don't want this, but kids and I can not tolerate his behavior; he knows what we need but that it is his choice. I did wonder outloud what will happen without me to try to blame all his troubles on now. That may some day be a scary thought for him....I hope it is.
Thank you all. I was a wreck yesterday; today I was able to do what was necessary for the kids and me....and truthfully, the most loving thing for him. Your kindness and understanding is very comforting; and proof that recovery IS possible for those who are willing to do what it takes. I wish you all well, and send each and everyone one of you a big hug!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Arizona
Posts: 872
Pick a Name:
Living up to your nomenclature, I'd say "pick an alkie!" Most of us, well sorry -- can't speak for anyone but me.... I have at many times put drinking ahead of my family, but never left them for it.
So sorry for what you are going through. Have you tried going to Al-Anon? If not, at least stick around here or read about the disease.
Unfortunately, yes -- he may very well look for others to blame the disease on and ultimately, himself. Thats where things get dangerous. We can only hope and pray that he finds his way to getting sober.
Just be sure to take care of yourself, and work through any issues/thoughts/etc. you may be going through...
God bless you.
Ken
Living up to your nomenclature, I'd say "pick an alkie!" Most of us, well sorry -- can't speak for anyone but me.... I have at many times put drinking ahead of my family, but never left them for it.
So sorry for what you are going through. Have you tried going to Al-Anon? If not, at least stick around here or read about the disease.
Unfortunately, yes -- he may very well look for others to blame the disease on and ultimately, himself. Thats where things get dangerous. We can only hope and pray that he finds his way to getting sober.
Just be sure to take care of yourself, and work through any issues/thoughts/etc. you may be going through...
God bless you.
Ken
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: London, UK
Posts: 358
I don't know what to say Pick...I'm 21 and been drinking for 6 years...I've barely had a relationship let alone a family...so all I can really offer you is warm thoughts...
But...my parents and siblings I ignored in favour of drink...and I lost many SO's and somewhere out there is a kid my ex claims is mine who would be 2 by now...mainly, however, I cut them out so as not to hurt them...not with my family, though, I hate them all except my sister.
But...my parents and siblings I ignored in favour of drink...and I lost many SO's and somewhere out there is a kid my ex claims is mine who would be 2 by now...mainly, however, I cut them out so as not to hurt them...not with my family, though, I hate them all except my sister.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
Pick, as I read your post I had all sorts of thoughts. Then, as I read the replies, I saw where others had already covered them! I will not bother reiterating them but will add one thought.
I was a professional "victim". I justified my behaviors and reactions because of what I perceived as slights. Didn't matter what it was, I was the victim dammit! It talks about this in the Big Book "You'd drink too if you knew my wife." (can substitute anything here really) Of course he blames you! It is way easier to blame others for your problems because God forbid you have to look at yourself and your part!
You don't make him drink. He chooses to drink. You are doing the right thing in looking after yourself and your kids. I applaud your courage and sympathize in what it is costing you but you are not to blame in this. I personally had to hit bottom before I would recognize that I was a slave to alcohol and that I couldn't handle it alone. I have been divorced x2 and #2 was related to drinking........ but it was HIS drinking. I was in your shoes and trying to change and control his drinking and ended up leaving to save myself and my kids. How ironic that now I am the alcoholic. I put my family and kids through hell in my disease but I WAS basically a good person. I just was ruled by a substance that obliterated all thoughts except how to get more of it. Now that I'm sober that good person is re-emerging. Something that I am so thankful for!
Go on with your life. Take care of YOU! He will stop............ or he won't. You are powerless over that. I think the last 3 lines in how it works pretty much sums it up.
A) We were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives
B) Probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism
C) God could and would if He were sought
Take care,
Kellye
I was a professional "victim". I justified my behaviors and reactions because of what I perceived as slights. Didn't matter what it was, I was the victim dammit! It talks about this in the Big Book "You'd drink too if you knew my wife." (can substitute anything here really) Of course he blames you! It is way easier to blame others for your problems because God forbid you have to look at yourself and your part!
You don't make him drink. He chooses to drink. You are doing the right thing in looking after yourself and your kids. I applaud your courage and sympathize in what it is costing you but you are not to blame in this. I personally had to hit bottom before I would recognize that I was a slave to alcohol and that I couldn't handle it alone. I have been divorced x2 and #2 was related to drinking........ but it was HIS drinking. I was in your shoes and trying to change and control his drinking and ended up leaving to save myself and my kids. How ironic that now I am the alcoholic. I put my family and kids through hell in my disease but I WAS basically a good person. I just was ruled by a substance that obliterated all thoughts except how to get more of it. Now that I'm sober that good person is re-emerging. Something that I am so thankful for!
Go on with your life. Take care of YOU! He will stop............ or he won't. You are powerless over that. I think the last 3 lines in how it works pretty much sums it up.
A) We were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives
B) Probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism
C) God could and would if He were sought
Take care,
Kellye
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Thank you all. What a comfort for me to read your posts again today. In a few hours I will be in court with my husband's divorce petition granted. I do not know when I have felt sadder and more confused. He and I finally started talking..this weekend; I finally hit my bottom on this whole thing....of course, now I fear I "pushed" him with my anger and resentments. I spoke to him about this already. That was good for us both. I know in my head that this is an illness, but my heart is still broken. I know it would be the same problems, unless and until he addresses this problem; so I can understand things on that level. I know it is not personal but it is hard not to take it that way; I have lost my most trusted friend,lover and companion to this disease. My children have for most purposes lost their father. He "tries" but none of us are priorities at this time; though financially he has bent over backwards. That is something; not worrying about that is a blessing. It hurts. I know I didn't cause it, can't control it or cure it.....but i sure wish I could. His agony breaks my heart most; I guess he knows that. That is part of my disease; it DOES hurt, but the hurt he feels about the situation is not of enough consequence to him to do what he knows could stop it. So he doesn't. Maybe he will, maybe not...........he is forcing me not to wait to see. I suppose he is doing me a favor of sorts, but not.
There is a terrible unspoken fear us spouses have....I will confess. I am sorry to say it, but I will: that once they leave, they will get healthy and someone else will get to enjoy them the way we knew they were and we have been waiting, praying, hoping for. That he will go off into the sunset,healthy and sharing all that was lost to the disease with someone new and I will be behind . I pray he finds his bottom and recovery and peace. I dread thinking he could be right and leaving me is all it took. See the crazy thoughts that can swirl in a head? Even so; I can't control that either. I feel so selfish thinking those thoughts, but I guess it all depends what I do with them.
Thanks for sharing, and letting me vent!
There is a terrible unspoken fear us spouses have....I will confess. I am sorry to say it, but I will: that once they leave, they will get healthy and someone else will get to enjoy them the way we knew they were and we have been waiting, praying, hoping for. That he will go off into the sunset,healthy and sharing all that was lost to the disease with someone new and I will be behind . I pray he finds his bottom and recovery and peace. I dread thinking he could be right and leaving me is all it took. See the crazy thoughts that can swirl in a head? Even so; I can't control that either. I feel so selfish thinking those thoughts, but I guess it all depends what I do with them.
Thanks for sharing, and letting me vent!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Originally Posted by Pick-a-name
There is a terrible unspoken fear us spouses have....I will confess. I am sorry to say it, but I will: that once they leave, they will get healthy and someone else will get to enjoy them the way we knew they were and we have been waiting, praying, hoping for. That he will go off into the sunset,healthy and sharing all that was lost to the disease with someone new and I will be behind . I pray he finds his bottom and recovery and peace. I dread thinking he could be right and leaving me is all it took. See the crazy thoughts that can swirl in a head? Even so; I can't control that either. I feel so selfish thinking those thoughts, but I guess it all depends what I do with them.
Thanks for sharing, and letting me vent!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: SCS, MI
Posts: 36
"you make me drink"
The classic alcoholic's denial statement.
I am sorry your marriage failed. He is obviously having some major difficulties. You have to let him own his problems now.
Maybe one day he will be well enough to let the kids back in his life.
I will pray for you.
The classic alcoholic's denial statement.
I am sorry your marriage failed. He is obviously having some major difficulties. You have to let him own his problems now.
Maybe one day he will be well enough to let the kids back in his life.
I will pray for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Thanks......yes, I may have gotten out of his way.the kids,too. He is a very confused and depressed man. He asked us all to have dinner with him tonight; yes, you read it right. We did. It was the nicest time we have all had in years. I think (hope?)he was having the first little reality-check in years...we will see...........I will try not to think ahead.
That wasn't enabling, was it? He asked us, we agreed. No expectations . (no drinking or mention of it.)
What a day..............
That wasn't enabling, was it? He asked us, we agreed. No expectations . (no drinking or mention of it.)
What a day..............
Miss Behavin'
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: regina,saskatchewan
Posts: 966
(((pick)))
of course you want your husband healthy, sober and with you and your kids.
actions speak louder than words.
one day at a time
i'm thinking about the big white elephant.....if its not talked about it will go away. it won't.
be well pick, saying a prayer for you and your family
have you considered ala-non??
Wendy
of course you want your husband healthy, sober and with you and your kids.
actions speak louder than words.
one day at a time
i'm thinking about the big white elephant.....if its not talked about it will go away. it won't.
be well pick, saying a prayer for you and your family
have you considered ala-non??
Wendy
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