wozzek

Background – a foreigner with a political asylum in the US. Highly functioning alcoholic in a sense that none (I am a single man) or nothing (never missed any deadlines or anything else related to job) had ever suffered because of my disease etc.!

However, all my life had been revolving around the drink, two or three days blackouts were a norm for me (while journalist I was able to write a highly praised, first page top column political columns and not even remembering writing them…), need for 20 vodkas with juice just to start functioning properly were just too much for me so I decided to quit, being tired of being tired all the time...

I quit drinking in New York on July 21, 2003 and another drink was never an issue. Then I lost everything I have ever had (earned) here in a foreign country where I planned to engage in some movie projects. Long story. When I was back I ended up in a homeless shelter. I have no family, obviously made no friends therefore I live in absolute loneliness. I used all this time in between the loss and my return to the USA to incorporate a new company, to sell my last project to a distributor in California (the money will start coming in a four, five months...), I have a new business plan, two great screenplays and am ready to embark to a new (new) life to get out of this endless predicament.

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I managed to get that distributor while I was living on the streets of San Francisco. Recently (two and a half months ago) I get a funding approval for one of my projects and have been working like a madman to organize everything. My roommate let me stay without paying last two rents because I needed all the money I had left to pay various fees and documents to get things done regarding that investment.

Now it looks like this deal is falling apart despite all the paperwork signed and all my work done under unbearable circumstances. Trust me, I performed miracles to get things done (my end).


Now I am looking at my last two and a change years of sobriety! I worked like never in my life. I have absolutely fantastic projects ready as a result of that work. I worked and worked and worked to build that future all over again after my present has been stolen from me abroad and nevertheless I will end up in a homeless shelter again!?!

None gave me some temp job because I am too old and too overqualified for almost everything.

I was on the top of my game while basically a drunk. Now despite all my efforts I could die here and none would ever know or care and I am a bum. What in the world I can think but to promise myself that I will get out of this one way or another and get back to the booze and surroundings I know so well. The loneliness would go away; I’ll buy some friends and some love at least knowing what I am getting and voila!, here is my solution.


What I am trying to say is not that I need a drink now or that I am in such a crisis while I write this, on the contrary. I am in a crisis looking towards a certain tomorrow that may never come. One would think that sobriety should ripe some awards or, at least, would not bring a predicament instead...

CarolD

I see a man who has conquered and a man who has lost. how strong you are as a person.
The will to survive is a huge plus for you.

In sobriety I too have become old and poor and ill.

To quote Oscar Wilde...'It beats the alternative'


I depemd on my God and AA friends to keep me in balamce.

Congratulations on your sober time.

MNGirlyGirl

Best wishes to you. My prayers go out to you.

Music

Don't drink, go to meetings, get a sponsor and work the 12 steps. Work the steps like your life depends on it.

Cathy31

Wow, that's some story, you're one helluva guy! Well done on your sober time...in my humble opinion, what's gone wrong is that 'all' you did is stop drinknig ref your alcoholism...not everything else, wow, you've done huge amounts elsewhere.

my advice : use that energy and commitment that you use in your work to pick yourself up, call AA and go to a meeting. There are amazing meetings apparently in New York and Manhattan.

It's there that you will connect with people and find MEANING in your life - adn love and support and spirituality and growth and purpose. That's all you really need, I think you are more tha ready for it.

Good luck, and let us know!

Great to have you here.
Love
Cathy31
x

AndrewBeen

Wozzek: Your glass is half-full: you actually came close to a deal. That is very hard to do. The fact that you even came close shows you got game. Everyone I know who got any where in entertainment/film had an incredible number of false starts. Your sobriety is paying off: you are getting somewhere and are being taken seriously. Keep plugging.

I would agree with others about staying sober and finding some meetings. The disease is still there, as it is in all of us, and it is calling you back to the gutter, telling you to give up. Don't give in. The disease is a liar. The disease is full of crap.

If you stay sober and find strength within others and inside yourself, and if you keep plugging, you can get to a better place.

Chy

I often here in the rooms that some of the worst experiances and periods in our life occur sober... I dunno maybe because now we can remember them. Remember there is a plan and it's not yours, if this is where your supposed to be in life it is what it is and some would call it a test. A drink won't get you anywhere but the inability to face head on the discontentment your facing during this project. Despite it's what you want and worked hard at achieving, perhaps it's just not meant to be and your being thrown obsticles because there is a bigger plan for you and you've just not seen it because your tunnel vision on this project won't allow you to see it. A drink won't fix it, but staying sober may allow you to see what it is your supposed to see. Hang in there.

wozzek

That's a great one

Thank you guys!! I feel less alone and that’s what matters the most for me right now. What bothers me enormously is that I obviously am at the “build up a drink phase” and I do not know how to cope with it.

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Let me be clear! I still have a few bucks so I may go and buy a drink. New York is full of bars and “happy hours”. My roommate is a bartender so the house is full of booze. I still know quite a few drunks that would be more than happy to “see me back” and buy me a drink. All this is absolutely not an issue! I do not struggle with that first drink (how not to take it), I do not even think about it. Not now!!

<!--[if !supportEmptyParas]-->However, being a die hard while I still struggle to have that deal described before done while still have a place to stay (ten more days), I am thinking of a day when the investment would come and how I will go out, have the best steak in the City and the best wine with it. And of course that I KNOW there isn’t a glass of wine for me, best or worst, never was, I know that I would destroy my future and life with that one drink but I cannot help myself not to daydream about it!?! And this may never happen or even if it would happen (the deal), the money would be available in a month or so…


When I was hungry for days I dreamt of a drink instead of food also. When I finally got some buck I ate, however.


All this frightens me! How is possible that the brain tries to trick me into it in such an insane, "delayed" manner?? Insights of any sort would be, of course, greatly appreciated!


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CarolD

Go to an AA meeting. Today!

Go to an AA meeting. Today!

Go to an AA meeting. Today!

You seem to have missed our point...Go to an AA meeting. Today!

AndrewBeen

One thing I am realizing is that -- at least for now -- my thinking and decisions are not always sound even when I am not drinking. I still have alcoholic thinking.

The success you seek -- not just finding a deal but successfully EXECUTING on that investment -- will depend upon sobriety and clarity of thought that a program can help you achieve. Going to a meeting TODAY will not only save your life and sanity, but will lead to your greater achievement.

You say you are giving it your all to succeed? Prove it: go to a meeting. TODAY.

Peter

"I was on the top of my game while basically a drunk."

Imagine what you could accomplish sober.

New York is full of bars but it is also full of good old AA meetings. Find one that suits you. You will make new friends and your lonliness will vanish.Best of all you will find the inspiration you need to want to stay sober.

Best of luck to you.

Music

Missed the point??? I don't think so. Ignored the point is more like it. Alcohol is still working for him.

wozzek

I don't quite understand what you are trying to say??

wozzek

Yes!, you have the point! I often think about it. Right now I am trying to resolve some serious immigration issues, am preparing SEC fillings based on the Rule 504 of the Regulation D for my company’s securities offering all by myself given that I am broke, am selling the DVD I’ve done recently and am doing this remotely with no phone… simultanously am polishing last script and trying to keep the deal I was talking about before alive despite the fact that I am heading for the homeless shelter the following Monday. Imagine any of this with a drink...

I know, I know I brag a little but there's none else to hear how much I work in the name of some future without any imminent payoff...

And all this in addition to this "small" issue of a certain crisis I do not understand that I have to deal with as well... but Junkyard Dog gave me an idea so I played with some dumbells today...

Music

Ho hum!!!

"One would think that sobriety should ripe some awards or, at least, would not bring a predicament instead..."

Sobriety IS it's own reward. You "reap" the benefits of sobriety by doing what's necessary to be/get sober and stay that way. Doesn't sound to me like sobriety is very high on your list of priorities. You seem so overwhelmed by other "stuff" that there's no mention of AA, meetings, or anything having to do with staying sober. Plus, you never know who you might meet at an AA meeting.

wozzek

Thank you for the clarification.

Yes, I am overwhelmed by the other "stuff", that's true (I just came back from the USCIS and am done with the very last step before I put my political asylum behind and would become a permanent resident) but given that I do not drink from July 21, 2003 I hoped that I did not left an impression that the sobriety isn't "very high on my list of priorities". Sobriety is CONDITIO SINE QUA NON for me!!!

However, I did not feel any sense of urgency given that my craving (if this is the craving indeed) relates to some future after I am done with this "other stuff". When I was hungry (I fainted of hunger on the streets of NYC - I am a big guy so this was a huge deal for me) I also dreamed of steak and the wine, oysters and the champagne etc., but when I've gotten some advance for my project I found myself a place and ate instead.

Same with the AA meetings. When I get to the bottom of my disease (chemical dependency) I just quit - no AA, no doctors, no medicine, no relapses, nothing (ok, some crises and yes, I did have one relapse, on my 100th day, few beers that made me violently ill) just awareness that I do not want to be a slave of foreign substance in my body as long as I can decide should that substance enter it or not. And it did not!!

Honestly, for the same reason of "not sensing the urgency" (like I need a drink now so I have to do the utmost to avoid it...) I was reluctant to go to the AA meeting. Simple, I have never been there and given that I see my loneliness as a huge problem (it killed my father - now I know that) I was, I am ashamed to go there in order to "meet people".

Even this, to disclose all this is difficult.

And another thing to share that I have found very helpful to me. As said before I did fantasize about the steak in Buenos Aires (with a drink), about the oyster in "Marius" in Rio de Janeiro, anything anywhere here in NYC etc.! So what I am doing now?

IMMEDIATELY after those thoughts that involve a drink came to bother me I engage my fantasy in actively visualizing swimming in Itacare, Brazil, in the Ocean that I love (I like to swim), I visualize climbing the Bear Mountain here etc.! It helps. Now I see myself walking through the woods instead... nice little trick I just wanted to share - it looks like it really works...