kindablue

I haven't posted in quite some time and perhaps it's time as things are progressivley getting worse.After struggling for years trying to get sober and failing i finally said f#%&, it i guess i was made to drink.And that's what i've done
though holding a job but i'm slowly losing my grip and fear the abyss is waiting below.I'm losing interest in everything ,especially working.i'm a musician and that has suffered ,my creativity is at an all time low.I'm lost and don't know where i belong anymore.I'm no longer young but am trying to hang on to that lifestyle that should have ended years ago.I'm still trying to live the carefree lifestyle of a guy in his early 20's.all my friends have grown up and are doing the responsible life thing,i feel very alone,which makes me feel even more alienated and ill adjusted for real life.I'm almost 40 and have no kids,never married,never owned a home...things at this stage of the game are looking pretty bleak.the only solace i find is in a bottle,but when the bottle is empty misery follows with a vengence.Anyways i'm lost and can't seem to get sober.sometimes death doesn't seem like that bad a thing.....i don't know what to do anymore.i'm just gonna ride it out and when it's time for me to leave this earthly vessel i guess that wouldn't be a bad thing.I feel as though i lost in the game of life,i've squandered and lost...now i'm just in a holding pattern until the good lord calls my number.have you ever been this low in your cycle of alcoholism?i know i haven't

FaeryQueen

Yes. I welcomed death as an escape from a mind that was devouring me and a life that looked hopeless. It was the beginning of surrender and the utter brokeness of spirit that made me come to the realization that I had to rely on something else besides my little ego, my little self, my useless will. That low suicidal, heartwrenching, soulshattering, pitiful place was my starting point for letting life live me and not the other way around. Keep reaching out.....the breakthrough will come....it must.

requiredfield

The feeling of imdending doom. I've been there...

Have you been to an AA meeting... where our second chance at life begins?

It's never too late...
Give it a shot.

I'll be praying for you..
Anna

wantneeda

hi kindablue
yes...been there done that, i jsut want to tell you that you can bring your bottom up to meet you, you don't have to wait for it anymore. Today i believe the ultimate bottom is death. I want to live, but i didn't realize how much i really wanted to live until i got out of my drug and alcohol induced fog. You don't have to live in misery, but the only one who can start digging yourself out of that hell is you. nothin' changes if nothin' changes.
AA saves my life, check it out, what have you got to lose??
keep coming back, we need you
hugs, Wendy

2dayzmuse

There is a big chance you will sink lower if you continue to drink. I drank myself out of 3 jobs and any emotional stability. I let myself sink into oblivion on a daily basis. Sinking lower and lower until I thought I couldn't sink anymore, but I always seemed to be successful in surprising myself on that matter. Talk about frustration and disappoirntment. Let's not forget guilt. Guilt was forever lingering along with shame. It got to the point where death was merely an easier option. Not a welcomed one, just easier. I had to be shown the ropes to be pulled out of my self-inflicted purgatory. Look into recovery programs. It's tough to get and remain sober alone. I couldn't do it. I tried many times. I wish you luck. There is a solution. Seek it out...

Beacon

I had the same thoughts a year ago. I saw a head doctor, and got some help. I am still struggling with teh drinking, but I no longer have those thoughts. Explore all your options

Anna

Yes, Blue, I felt like that but was not drinking at the time. It was due to depression, and depression eventually led to drinking. There is no solace in the bottle and you and I both know that. There is however, no reason to throw your hands up and to give up. If there are things you want in life, you can work to get them and if you are depressed you can get help for that. Never give up!

Love, Anna

michaelj

Kindablue,
I also would have accepted death as a happy release before I quit drinking. I was in exactly the same frame of mind as you are now. If death came then so what? When I examined why I felt like that I realised that the life I was living was entirely built around drink. There was nothing else in my life that I cared about. Sure I held down my job, paid the bills and had the outward appearance of normality but you didn't have to scratch the surface too deeply to see that my life was a simple transition between one drink and the next.
You have examined your experience and the quality of your life now and you are in despair. You can't live with the booze and you think you can't live without it. Well, I am here to prove that you can live without it and what's more your life will improve beyond measure.
If there is one talent I wish I had it is that of a musician. I would so love to be able to put a tune together but I just don't have the ear for it. I love to watch musicians at work and am in awe at their skills. If we go to a musical I would far rather watch the orchestra than the show. You have a most amazing talent and perhaps that will be your way out of this mess. Is there some way that your music can be the catalyst for sobriety?
I wish you well
Michael

Chy

Blue I have to say I am happy to see you and sorry to see nothing has changed. You did it once before though briefly you did it. I know you can do it again if you want but it appears that you do not want to. Since the day I first met you nothing has changed and only gotten worse. I know loosing your girl was probably the straw that sent you back out but I know as a fellow alcoholic, only you can do this deal. I pray your really not just waiting for the inevitable as you've got the potential to have a good life ahead.

I'm really glad to see you as I said, as I truly thought your absence would be permanent after the last time you checked in. Still praying for you my friend and I haven't stopped.

Don W

Hi kindablue, Welcome back. I also got to the point I felt I was going to drink. The only way to stop my drinking was to stop Don. I decided to help save everyone else, I would kill myself. Drinking took to long. Drinking is like suicide on an installment plan. I took a bottle of Percocet my wife had from surgery. I almost added her heart and pressure medication. The grace of God, for once helped me think of anothers need. Well after being pumped and filled with charcoal I layed locked in the VA Hospital. I learned that I would have saved nobody. The guilt I would have left behind, well I can't imagine. You were not meant to drink and if you really believed that, you wouldn't be here. This is a new start. Past failures can be turned into lessons. You've learned the mistakes, now learn from them. I don't care if you have to leave friends behind, many of us did. You've got to take yourself by the neck and drag yourself into recovery. You've got so much to offer. Many of us benifited from your help in the past.
OK, you feel bad, your back move on and forward. Don W

ArthurDent

Well Blue, I don't know you and am a newbie here, but I have a couple of thoughts I've had recently as I've been sinking lower and lower into the booze fog and caring less and less about life. Here are a few in case they'll help at all.

Owning stuff, buying a home, being married and having kids, are often done out of fear of not having rather than genuinely wanting. It's mostly social conditioning, and not having doesn't mean you've lost or missed out. I own next to nothing, and still feel I have too much clutter.

If you have somewhere warm and dry to lay your head, and some money for food, and even a little more spare, you're rich. Nothing you 'own' can be taken with you anyway, and you can always have things in the future if you want. You don't want right now perhaps, but boozing will do that to anyone - sure has to me.

As to not living in this world any more, that change is going to come along one day on its own anyway. Why rush it? When you realise you're out of days to live and do things, suddenly you'll find a bunch of stuff you wished you'd done. Perhaps when you clear the fog again, some of those things will pop into your awareness so you can enjoy doing them. Just like finding coins in an old jacket, things of beauty lie hidden and waiting for us in life.

I don't know what pleasures and treasures await me, but I know I won't find them drinking every night solid for another 15 years. In fact, if I don't let it go and find ways to like myself and treat myself better, I won't be here in another 15 years.

Don't know if it helps at all, but one thing I do know is that you're not alone. I'm gald I found these forums, because I was getting to the point where I realised that I just didn't care any more. Just spending a night reading everyone's stories, both sad and uplifting, has made me realise that no matter how dark it looks, it gets lighter again.

I'm glad I'm alive, and only in my late forties realising that my life never was about learning to love other people - it's always been about learning to love me.

Secondchances

Kindablue,

I think I have a sense of where you're coming from and how you feel. It's such a miserable place to be -- to not care if you wake up and to keep drinking. The guilt that comes with suicide the slow way, or on the installment plan, just adds to the pain.

I, like you, am in that stage that some would call mid-life (ok, I am, but I have a problem saying it). I have no SO, no children, no job, no good friends or really any friends. I do have a house, which is nice, but at the same time you get to a point in your drinking where you can be very miserable no matter what you own. In fact, the guilt from knowing you're supposed to be grateful yet you're miserable doesn't help matters.

Drinking robs us of years and takes away our ability to think clearly and often sinks us into an abyss. Last year I honestly didn't care if I lived or died, to the point of calling someone in a blackout telling her she'd been a good friend (who I have had to give up, in order to quit drinking, btw). I guess I sounded like the end was near (and it could have been, as I liked to drink and swim alone and did so in a blackout). Sometimes it's horrible, but I feel like God keeps me alive to torment me. Of course, this leads to more guilt.

You can do this thing. You are 40, so what? 40 for a guy is sure not old. There are plenty of people in AA who are single or changing relationships. You don't have to be alone forever. The thing is you cannot give up. You must keep trying and trying and trying no matter whether you care or not. I tell myself I have a responsibility to stay alive and it works. Even though I haven't cared about waking up the next day on many occasions, I am horrified when things start to go right and I realize how close I came to never having the chance to live life.

Anyway, rambling here, but keep on trying and you are not alone in this.

SC

eta: One more thing, it's possible your depression may be from the alcohol alone or you may have a dual diagnosis, like I did (do?). At any rate, one thing that helped/helps me is to tell myself it's the depression talking when I see no hope. You may have to get a handle on that depression in order to be successful. I know I did. Have you seen a Dr? Of course, the trick is to not drink and let the medication do its job, which can be very hard. OK, something to consider.