Just like my father
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Australia, Vic, Melbourne
Posts: 20
Just like my father
What a loser I am...
Sitting here drinking, feeling sorry for myself.
You know, the only time my old man actually said that he was proud of me was a little while before they kicked me out a few months back. He was sitting there with an almost empty bottle in one hand, and a glass of wine in the other "I'm so pwoud of yooou boyyyyy! So pwoud!"
I don't hate him, I understand why he was like that. I just hate myself for being just like him. Just like him I managed to end up as an *******, I managed to mess up my life too. And just like my old man, I got addicted to booze, he'd be so "pwoud".
I've only had a little to drink tonight, but I've managed to get rotten drunk a few too many times lately, I fully intend to keep drinking tonight because... well, because I want to.
But I'm going to quit... I'm going to quit again soon.
Just posting this here so maybe I actually believe that I'm going to quit.
Sitting here drinking, feeling sorry for myself.
You know, the only time my old man actually said that he was proud of me was a little while before they kicked me out a few months back. He was sitting there with an almost empty bottle in one hand, and a glass of wine in the other "I'm so pwoud of yooou boyyyyy! So pwoud!"
I don't hate him, I understand why he was like that. I just hate myself for being just like him. Just like him I managed to end up as an *******, I managed to mess up my life too. And just like my old man, I got addicted to booze, he'd be so "pwoud".
I've only had a little to drink tonight, but I've managed to get rotten drunk a few too many times lately, I fully intend to keep drinking tonight because... well, because I want to.
But I'm going to quit... I'm going to quit again soon.
Just posting this here so maybe I actually believe that I'm going to quit.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: The Field of Dreams
Posts: 7,249
Your not a loser.Hang in there.I wish there was something I could say right now,but there isnt.I can only say,I am glad you are here at SR.Tommorow is a new day.Maybe you could hit an AA meeting and give this thing another try?
Let Go & Let God
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 85
You are SO NOT a loser! First of all, you have a disease. Unfortunately, that can't be helped. The good news is that you recognize it. You know you want to quit. That's huge!! What's really huge about wanting to quit is in that seeing what you could become in your father and planning to break the chain of generations by quitting. It's not only the disease that is passed down, but also the behavior patterns. You can change all this and save yourself and future generations! I believe in you and I don't think you're a loser! You are obviously an intelligent, thoughtful and caring person. Keep on posting and reading. We're all like you!
Best,
Saz
Best,
Saz
vitalsixthsense
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Frostburg, MD
Posts: 18
I ended up with all of father's bad traits by being selfish, but I was worse than he was. He can drink one and stop. I can't drink one like he does, and he is never going to understand it. But even though he does not believe that I am a real alcoholic. He is still proud of me because I am sober. I am happy because I can visit him today without wanting to kill him. He hasn't changed, but the AA program has changed me to where I am comfortable in my own skin. I drank for that feeling, but it did not work. At first it was fun, then it was fun with problems, in a short time it was nothing but problems.
fire dancer
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: no matter where u go there u are...co
Posts: 489
are you REALLY like your old man.......would your old man post here, would he think about quiting, would he realize it's an issue, would he.....(you fill in the rest)
we often relive our parents lives, but it's changable, good luck!
& keep coming back here it's a good space
we often relive our parents lives, but it's changable, good luck!
& keep coming back here it's a good space
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Charleston S.C.
Posts: 1,461
You are not a loser. You like myself for many years were taught the wrong way to think and act. I hated many things about my father. Like you I became him. I drank to medicate feeling from an abusive life. If your continually told your stupid or no good, how can you help but learn it. Like myself, you can unlearn these things. It has been painful but, I needed to go back and learn the truth. We can't change what happened but, we can change our perception of it. First, I tried for years to treat the alcoholism without treating the PTSD and failed. Example of perception change for me. I recieved many beating for not doing say, mowing the lawn right. For years I felt guily. Many times think, " If I only did a better job maybe he wouldn't have hit me." I was convinced for years I was a bad son and my fault. Going back, I found out that my father was on "Thorazine" They don't put people on that for the hell of it. Then thoughts started to be triggered. I remembered him having to be stopped from going out without clothes, claiming he was going to a Moon Diggers Convention. The point is he was sick, and the things I learned from him were from a sick mind. I still hate what he did, and angry he wasn't stopped. However, I'm not the lazy, good for nothing, stupid person he claimed I was. I buried this stuff for years, my mind buried memories also. I had to expose the physical abuse, the sexual abuse. I strongly suggest that you seek help from someone experenced PTSD. However, treatment will never work,with alcohol still in the mix. You deserver better than this. Hate what you do, not yourself. Our minds are a sponge and will absord good and bad. Like myself, you might not even know what you really think, all these years . Don W
Been there and done.
Join Date: May 2005
Location: West Coast North America
Posts: 269
I liked your candor, your ear for life and your insight. Losers are determined by the end of the game. You probably have what it takes to not be a loser, but if we die as drunks then I suppose we are.
I you are to a certain degree disgusted by the vision of dad getting sloppy drunk. Use that feeling. Have that picture of your father in your head when you want to drink, and ask yourself if you want to go there.
Use whatever imagery it takes for you to become free.
I you are to a certain degree disgusted by the vision of dad getting sloppy drunk. Use that feeling. Have that picture of your father in your head when you want to drink, and ask yourself if you want to go there.
Use whatever imagery it takes for you to become free.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Charleston S.C.
Posts: 1,461
Hi Staying Sober, I want to say I'm sorry. Reading your's and the other stories hit home so much I forgot I wasn't on the PTSD board. I didn't intend to infer you had PTSD. Although what you speak of can cause it. That is for a professional and you to decide. However, the alcohol will never allow recovery and that is from experence, many,many long hard years of experence. Don W
Where can I get a cup of tea?
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Somewhere in space...
Posts: 55
StayingSober, I had an alcoholic father who beat my mother and me for years. After they divorced I spent most of my life trying to please both of them, but they became distant and cold.
Now I'm in my late forties. I drink mainly because I have guilt about feeling good, ie., healthy, energetic and happy, and I can like others far easier than I can like myself. But 15 years of heavy drinking is starting to take its toll.
I have to stop, permanently and right now, because I've realised that whatever alcoholism is, I definitely have it. It doesn't matter to me exactly what the causes of it are; emotional, physical, inherited or whatever. I just know I have to stop poisoning my own body and gradually wrecking my health. I don't want to stop - I love getting drunk - but it's destructive, and that's a real problem.
I'm not a looser, and neither are you. There are no loosers, only people living through often difficult experience, learning lessons, and perhaps the hardest of all; how to love yourself regardless of what others say and do.
Somewhere in my mind I know I deserve to be happy, but it's ME that has to start living that way. As one author said; Treating yourself badly today is not good practice for living happily tomorrow.
I'm on Day 1 today, after getting seriously blind drunk again yesterday, and loosing yet another day of my life. How about joining me tomorrow?
Practice being kind to yourself, one day at a time. That's what I intend to do, and use the suggestions from all those who've trod the difficult path before me, and are wonderful for being honest here.
I don't know how many days I'll be in this world, but I know that tomorrow evening I'll be doing something different than sitting in alone with a bottle of whiskey.
Edit:
I wonder how many days will need to pass before I realise one day that I haven't wanted a drink for a long time? I hope I CAN suddenly have that realisation, because it'll be a sign that I've been living happily in myself for a change.
In fact, I've just realised honestly to myself not only that I have a problem with alcohol, but that I'm not really happy. Isn't it odd when you finally admit things like this to yourself..?
Now I'm in my late forties. I drink mainly because I have guilt about feeling good, ie., healthy, energetic and happy, and I can like others far easier than I can like myself. But 15 years of heavy drinking is starting to take its toll.
I have to stop, permanently and right now, because I've realised that whatever alcoholism is, I definitely have it. It doesn't matter to me exactly what the causes of it are; emotional, physical, inherited or whatever. I just know I have to stop poisoning my own body and gradually wrecking my health. I don't want to stop - I love getting drunk - but it's destructive, and that's a real problem.
I'm not a looser, and neither are you. There are no loosers, only people living through often difficult experience, learning lessons, and perhaps the hardest of all; how to love yourself regardless of what others say and do.
Somewhere in my mind I know I deserve to be happy, but it's ME that has to start living that way. As one author said; Treating yourself badly today is not good practice for living happily tomorrow.
I'm on Day 1 today, after getting seriously blind drunk again yesterday, and loosing yet another day of my life. How about joining me tomorrow?
Practice being kind to yourself, one day at a time. That's what I intend to do, and use the suggestions from all those who've trod the difficult path before me, and are wonderful for being honest here.
I don't know how many days I'll be in this world, but I know that tomorrow evening I'll be doing something different than sitting in alone with a bottle of whiskey.
Edit:
I wonder how many days will need to pass before I realise one day that I haven't wanted a drink for a long time? I hope I CAN suddenly have that realisation, because it'll be a sign that I've been living happily in myself for a change.
In fact, I've just realised honestly to myself not only that I have a problem with alcohol, but that I'm not really happy. Isn't it odd when you finally admit things like this to yourself..?
Been there and done.
Join Date: May 2005
Location: West Coast North America
Posts: 269
Arthur, I will join you! Like you I am an alcoholic son of an alcoholic dad. I've heard folks like us referred to as "Double Winners"! No physical abuse for me just absolute emotional absence behind of facade of normalcy -- a head trip if you will.
Also, like you I am on Day 1 or 2 depending upon how you could. Been so many day ones.
Staying, what do you say?
Also, like you I am on Day 1 or 2 depending upon how you could. Been so many day ones.
Staying, what do you say?
Where can I get a cup of tea?
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Somewhere in space...
Posts: 55
Thank you Sazzer - I'm glad I found you folks.
Like StayingSober's title "Just like my father", I realise that I HAVE become a lot like my father. I put an end to the chain of violence in my family line by not hitting my wife and kids, but I've been beating myself instead.
AndrewBeen, consider yourself joined. I've done plenty of Day 1's, but never with anyone else like here. I've always just convinced myself I need to quit for good, then quit for a few days at most, started feeling really good physically and mentally, then decided to 'reward myself' with a cool beer, nah, maybe two cool beers, got to the store and it's become four cool beers, then sod it, if I'm going to drink that much whiskey's better as I won't be peeing all night, so it's just a small bottle I'm getting, but at the checkout there's a full bottle, and maybe even a beer or two as well, but I won't be stupid enough to drink them ALL ... then I wake up after not really sleeping, and there's little or nothing left in the bottles, and I feel like crap all day...
I can't believe how stupidly I've been treating myself! I was going to say I can't believe how stupid I am, but then that's part of the problem - not liking myself. I could like you far easier than I can like me - I tend to be good to other people. Perhaps all of us with drink problems have the same kind of feelings?
Like StayingSober's title "Just like my father", I realise that I HAVE become a lot like my father. I put an end to the chain of violence in my family line by not hitting my wife and kids, but I've been beating myself instead.
AndrewBeen, consider yourself joined. I've done plenty of Day 1's, but never with anyone else like here. I've always just convinced myself I need to quit for good, then quit for a few days at most, started feeling really good physically and mentally, then decided to 'reward myself' with a cool beer, nah, maybe two cool beers, got to the store and it's become four cool beers, then sod it, if I'm going to drink that much whiskey's better as I won't be peeing all night, so it's just a small bottle I'm getting, but at the checkout there's a full bottle, and maybe even a beer or two as well, but I won't be stupid enough to drink them ALL ... then I wake up after not really sleeping, and there's little or nothing left in the bottles, and I feel like crap all day...
I can't believe how stupidly I've been treating myself! I was going to say I can't believe how stupid I am, but then that's part of the problem - not liking myself. I could like you far easier than I can like me - I tend to be good to other people. Perhaps all of us with drink problems have the same kind of feelings?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Charleston S.C.
Posts: 1,461
Arthur, You caught my eye with being guilty about feeling good. This same feeling led me to sabotage my recovery many times. I couldn't handle the good feelings, the nice treatment. My boss would call me in office to compliment me. I couldn't wait to get out or would pass credit to others. On the other hand, I'd sit there forever listening when being critisized. Don W
Where can I get a cup of tea?
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Somewhere in space...
Posts: 55
Sounds familiar Don!
I've also realised that I've got to stop looking for reasons as to why I treat others better than I treat myself (blaming mother, father, peers, whatever) and actually change the process of what I'm doing.
Even thinking about it, as anyone here will know, can bring on a drink binge! I can feel unhappy and 'reward' myself with drink to 'feel better', and I can also feel happy and so 'reward' myself for feeling good, and wanting to have a little high to feel even better.
Always turns into a big low though, doesn't it..? What's worse, a repeating low; a low that leaves dishes and clothes unwashed, your body not fed and looked after properly, isolation, money down the toilet, etc.
I've also realised that I've got to stop looking for reasons as to why I treat others better than I treat myself (blaming mother, father, peers, whatever) and actually change the process of what I'm doing.
Even thinking about it, as anyone here will know, can bring on a drink binge! I can feel unhappy and 'reward' myself with drink to 'feel better', and I can also feel happy and so 'reward' myself for feeling good, and wanting to have a little high to feel even better.
Always turns into a big low though, doesn't it..? What's worse, a repeating low; a low that leaves dishes and clothes unwashed, your body not fed and looked after properly, isolation, money down the toilet, etc.
Where can I get a cup of tea?
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Somewhere in space...
Posts: 55
Thanks Mikee. But you know what? I'm going to get gentle with myself - I've been so tough on myself for most of my life.
I know you meant get tough with kicking the booze and really live, but I think from what I'm reading in the forums, we all seem to have one thing in common: not wanting to like and be kind to ourselves.
A strange thing we do, isn't it, to hurt ourselves..?
I know you meant get tough with kicking the booze and really live, but I think from what I'm reading in the forums, we all seem to have one thing in common: not wanting to like and be kind to ourselves.
A strange thing we do, isn't it, to hurt ourselves..?
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