Sazzer

Well, I went to my first meeting last night after 4 days sober. I met a really nice woman who "showed me the ropes" and pointed out some other meetings I might be interested in. Another generous soul gave me a copy of the BB. Most of the folks were older and their illness had progressed further than mine when they finally quit, but it was so helpful to hear their stories and see how some began just like I did and where it went from there. I will definitely go back!

Through my reading and meditations, I am realizing the fear I was trying to squelch with alcohol. I am afraid of everything. Other people (especially men), answering the phone, calling people I don't know on the phone, answering the door, being out in public...even ordering a latte at Starbucks --which is no wonder, since there are so many things you have to remember e.g. grande non-fat sugar-free hazelnut latte. Is that even the right order? Sheesh. Anyway, I know I'm going to have to deal with these issues in my therapy and on my own, but it's just nice to finally admit the big underlying issue (or one of them!)

My dad isn't taking my alcoholism so well. His dad was a drunk and his brother is an ******* and a drunk. Dad never dealt with his dad's passing (almost two years ago -- he basically died from depression.) He is slowly turning into his dad and has always acted like a dry drunk. Emotional outbursts, extreme defensiveness, self-justification...He is 53 years old and doesn't really believe that therapy or medication can help anyone -- even though I've been in and out of therapy and medications for years. Of course, it didn't REALLY help me, because I was drinking! I mentioned to both of my parents that they might want to try an Al-Anon meeting. When I mentioned it to my dad, he got weird, but I wanted to push some buttons because he needs to deal with some of these things he's buried for so long. Maybe I shouldn't. I told him it would not only help him understand me, and help him help me, but he might understand some things about his dad and brother. Not that he has to understand why they hurt him so much, just that they had a disease which was out of control and which controlled them. He was very weird then, too. I talked to my mom about it and she agreed that he was very fidgety when we were talking about it. He did say that "it would be interesting to see what they have to say" but I don't know if he was just trying to end the conversation or what.

Thanks for reading. I hope you all have a great day!

Saz

Alie

Congratulations, Sazzer! So happy for you. meetings are the foundation of our sobriety. i resited them for a long time and am not shocked that i was able to stay sober without them. it can be done, but I cheated myself of all of the gifts of the program by not going to meetings.
Re the family: that's always a tough one. My two cents: concentrate on yourself right now. if you father and mother want to help themselves they will. remember that this is a program of attraction. My therapist once said this to me: "every relationship is like a mathmatical equation. if one of the "variables" (i.e. YOU) change, the entire equation is necessarily changed. Plus, as i'm sure you know, people are not ready to hear suggestions until they are ready to hear suggestions. Let them see what wonderful changes take place in your life as you participate in your own recovery and i think that you will be amazed at the change in them. it may not be the change you're looking for, but that is part of the serenity prayer (accepting the things that we can and cannot change).
Good luck! (one day at a time, of course)

jmhs002

Hey Saz!
Congrats on your 1st meeting. AA has helped me tremendously. Check out different meetings to find a good fit, and then "keep coming back"

I would not worry about your Dad's reaction to your alcoholism at this point - you really need to focus on getting and staying sober. His views will be his views.

"accept the things I cannot change"

Good luck!
JMHS

CarolD

on down the recovery road!

My closest friend in early sobriety had the same fears you mentioned. Within a year she was working and using a crowded bus as transportation! Yes, she also continued therapy but on a lesser schedule. I hope the same is true for you!

My parents never accepted the fact their 2 children were alcoholics in AA recovery. Dad would chamge the subject and Mom persisted in thinking AA was a social club! I think they felt their parebting skills were to blame.

My brother and I simply celebrated our recovery progress with other AA members. So can you.

Blessings...

CDr55

Congratulation on your first meeting, Sazzer!

My father is a recovering alcoholic. He does not go to meetings, but he pretty much replaced his addiction with work. He works about 14 hours a day, seven days a week. My mom is pretty supportive though.

I have told a few close friends about going to AA, and sobriety, but I have not told all of them. Many of them do not understand, and do not think that drinking is the biggest deal.

Sazzer

Thanks everyone! I just made it back from a day trip out to Western Mass. and there are no meetings going on in my area (too late). So I'll spend my time here! I have written down some options for tomorrow and I am planning to go to *at least* one of them.

You're all right about my family. Even my mom. She's trying to understand and that's great, but I shouldn't be worrying so much about them. Worrying about them and how they see me, how proud they are of me, etc. helped get me into this situation in the first place. I've always put so much pressure on myself not to disappoint them and never understood that humans make mistakes and that I, being human make mistakes. I have never forgiven myself for things I did that disappointed them and that shame is one of many emotions I numbed with alcohol.

I cried for half the trip out there today, not really knowing why. A big part of it was a little pity party. "Why me?" "Why do I have to have this disease?" "I don't want to have to think about not drinking for the rest of my life!" "What kind of life will I have if I'm either at AA or worrying about not drinking all the time?" I calmed down eventually knowing that I will deal with these issues in time. Ya know, even after last night's meeting, I still was thinking how cheesy those mantras are. "Keep it simple stupid" "Easy Does It" "One Day at a Time" But, it's SO true. Not only is it one day at a time, it's one hour at a time, even one minute at a time -- and sometimes one split second at a time. You never know when you'll get that flash craving. It's amazing how much I think about drinking. It was so "normal" to think that way before.

So my emotions are going a little wacky. Like how I was irrationally angry at this driver in front of me when I was on my way to the meeting last night. I was running late, but I mean I was out of control. I couldn't calm myself at all. Anger is a big emotion that I typically bury. I suppose it's gonna have to come out sometime, but it's SUCH an uncomfortable feeling! So I was calm by the END of the meeting 2 1/2 hours later, but for the first hour I wanted to pull by hair out! The door kept slamming as people came in and out from smoking outside. I thought I was going to lose it. Any experiences? Does it pass?

Thanks!!!
Saz

CarolD

As long as you stay in recovery...things improve.

I too used to dislike those trite gooey sayings. Made me grit my teeth. And the Big Book was badly written...and the stories were passe'. Amd the hugs and laughter! How inane!

"How did a nice woman like me wind up here?"

My ending up in AA saved my sanity. I had to learn how to keep my balance without the fog of alcohol.

Each one of us in recovery are winning over addiction.
We are miracles!

Blessings..