Hello from the other side
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: northern minnesota
Posts: 269
Hello from the other side
I would like a bit of advice from the other side.
My A quit drinking, I believe... about two months ago. We dont talk about it much, because I dont know what to say. My alanon program says its his business and unless he acts like he is drunk, its none of my business.
Since he quit drinking hes much nicer. Much calmer, much more of everything good and stable. The problem is he has these insecurities. I see them for what they are... he nit picks in me the same traits he dislikes in himself. And I sense that the resentment is building.
He knows of AA, he knows of therapy, he knows what he has to do to keep me in his life. He has all the tools necessary to make the right choices and so far has done so.
What I am struggling with is how to react to this nit picking. He says he cant trust me because I like taking private calls away from him being able to hear me. He says I am secretive, because I dont tell him where I am 24/7. He says I am moody, because I became so neurotic being around him when he drank. He says I yell at his son, because I expect him to be disciplined instead of allowed to run wild.
Most of this I have just let go as the fog seems to be lifting from his drinking life and he is under major readjustment in his friends, his priorities and his moods. Yet I have been there thru illness, his tantrums, verbal abuse, his drug addiction and his porn addiction, and his friends drunken parties.
I have provided him with sound educational proven ideas for better child rearing, learned by my profession and my personal experience. I have listened to every word he has said and supported him.
Anyone got a good word about maybe when things will get that bit better he wont be trying to frame me for his charactor flaws? I feel the resentment building and I am just.. bone weary from working my program.
Good luck to you all, thanks for listening.
quietsins
My A quit drinking, I believe... about two months ago. We dont talk about it much, because I dont know what to say. My alanon program says its his business and unless he acts like he is drunk, its none of my business.
Since he quit drinking hes much nicer. Much calmer, much more of everything good and stable. The problem is he has these insecurities. I see them for what they are... he nit picks in me the same traits he dislikes in himself. And I sense that the resentment is building.
He knows of AA, he knows of therapy, he knows what he has to do to keep me in his life. He has all the tools necessary to make the right choices and so far has done so.
What I am struggling with is how to react to this nit picking. He says he cant trust me because I like taking private calls away from him being able to hear me. He says I am secretive, because I dont tell him where I am 24/7. He says I am moody, because I became so neurotic being around him when he drank. He says I yell at his son, because I expect him to be disciplined instead of allowed to run wild.
Most of this I have just let go as the fog seems to be lifting from his drinking life and he is under major readjustment in his friends, his priorities and his moods. Yet I have been there thru illness, his tantrums, verbal abuse, his drug addiction and his porn addiction, and his friends drunken parties.
I have provided him with sound educational proven ideas for better child rearing, learned by my profession and my personal experience. I have listened to every word he has said and supported him.
Anyone got a good word about maybe when things will get that bit better he wont be trying to frame me for his charactor flaws? I feel the resentment building and I am just.. bone weary from working my program.
Good luck to you all, thanks for listening.
quietsins
No expectations!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,732
I don't really have an answer for you, but I wanted to say I feel like I know exactly what you're going through. My husband and I are both recovering from addiction/alcoholism, but he still picks at me and is VERY moody, whereas I feel like I am...ahead of him, you know? Like I am on Step Nine and he is starting his 4th Step for the second time. I truly believe that actually working at least up through Step 7 would really help him. That and some good therapy.
Alot of alcoholics, if not most, have personality disorders. Antisocial and borderline are common. I think hubby is a borderline. And I think he needs the Steps AND therapy. You have alot of insight into your man's behavior, and know that it is about HIM and not about you. That's great! For now, I'm just trying not to take it personally when he goes off on me, and I'm hoping that he will get back into therapy soon. Sometimes he seems to realize he needs to do something about his erratic moods. He actually had me make a psychiatrist appointment for him!
I don't know if this is helpful, but I just wanted to empathize with you. If you'd like, feel free to PM me, OK? I'd love to hear if you have any suggestions for ME! LOL.
Love and hugs,
Eddie
Alot of alcoholics, if not most, have personality disorders. Antisocial and borderline are common. I think hubby is a borderline. And I think he needs the Steps AND therapy. You have alot of insight into your man's behavior, and know that it is about HIM and not about you. That's great! For now, I'm just trying not to take it personally when he goes off on me, and I'm hoping that he will get back into therapy soon. Sometimes he seems to realize he needs to do something about his erratic moods. He actually had me make a psychiatrist appointment for him!
I don't know if this is helpful, but I just wanted to empathize with you. If you'd like, feel free to PM me, OK? I'd love to hear if you have any suggestions for ME! LOL.
Love and hugs,
Eddie
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,432
I'd suggest you separate, in your own mind, the drinking problem from your clear communication problem, and go together to a counselor to focus on that. Your resentment is building and you guys are picking at it around the edges of the real issues, IMO.
But I certainly don't understand why his sobriety isn't your business. That doesn't make any sense to me at all.
Don S
But I certainly don't understand why his sobriety isn't your business. That doesn't make any sense to me at all.
Don S
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Don;
It's more about acceptance. He's going to use or he's not going to use - regardless of what we do. Our program is about us; keeping our balance dispite what the addict/alcoholic does.
I wouldn't quite say it's none of a spouse's business. (My son is the addict in my life, and he's an adult. So, as much as I love him, it's really not my business - although I do care, obviously.) It's just that the spouse still has to live their own life. Otherwise, they will get dragged down in the chaos of the addiction.
Make sense?
Quiet; I hope you don't mind me filling in for you here...
Shalom!
It's more about acceptance. He's going to use or he's not going to use - regardless of what we do. Our program is about us; keeping our balance dispite what the addict/alcoholic does.
I wouldn't quite say it's none of a spouse's business. (My son is the addict in my life, and he's an adult. So, as much as I love him, it's really not my business - although I do care, obviously.) It's just that the spouse still has to live their own life. Otherwise, they will get dragged down in the chaos of the addiction.
Make sense?
Quiet; I hope you don't mind me filling in for you here...
Shalom!
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,432
Hmm. Well, I don't want to be argumentative. Maybe I just have a different perspective on this that you might find useful.
I agree acceptance is important. I certainly agree that dealing with the impact it's having on you may be your first priority.
But the impact of our using/drinking on our relationships, our marriage, our kids--recognizing that impact can provide impetus to move from ambivalence to choosing abstinence. It certainly did for me.
I really disagree that 'he's going to use or not use regardless' of what you do. I hope that isn't AlAnon doctrine. That may be true for some, but is not applicable to all. We never know what it is that gives a substance abuser that final nudge, or what sustains them in early sobriety. Studies have found that people who quit on their own often cite outside influences. Of course, it's kind of moot since he has quit.
More to the point, I don't think any program would discourage communication within a marriage about an issue that is clearly causing stress and resentment. What I see in this post is a complaint about him, when the problem really seems to involve both parties in the marriage. That's why I think counseling about that would be beneficial.
Quiet, you don't mention whether he's using AA -- just that he is aware of it. Alternative programs such as SMART Recovery, perhaps in conjunction with AA, may help him deal with unreasonable or irrational beliefs that he harbors about other aspects of his life, not just drinking.
We all have insecurities. The two of you may not be communicating well about how he's parenting. I wouldn't link all those problems to his drinking, as they sound like common problems in any marriage. Drinking may have made them worse, or made it more difficult to talk about them. But it didn't necessarily cause them.
And I don't personally call them character flaws. It's just behavior, and behavior that isn't working well can often be traced to irrational or dysfunctional beliefs that he has or that you have. Among the most common such beliefs are demanding and absolute thoughts, usually involving words like 'should, shouldn't, must, always, never', etc.
A basic tenet of REBT (www.rebt.org) is that we create our own distress. So to answer your question about when things will get better, I'd say things will get better for both of you when you work together on your communication skills, and will get better for you when you examine the beliefs you hold about his behavior.
Don S
I agree acceptance is important. I certainly agree that dealing with the impact it's having on you may be your first priority.
But the impact of our using/drinking on our relationships, our marriage, our kids--recognizing that impact can provide impetus to move from ambivalence to choosing abstinence. It certainly did for me.
I really disagree that 'he's going to use or not use regardless' of what you do. I hope that isn't AlAnon doctrine. That may be true for some, but is not applicable to all. We never know what it is that gives a substance abuser that final nudge, or what sustains them in early sobriety. Studies have found that people who quit on their own often cite outside influences. Of course, it's kind of moot since he has quit.
More to the point, I don't think any program would discourage communication within a marriage about an issue that is clearly causing stress and resentment. What I see in this post is a complaint about him, when the problem really seems to involve both parties in the marriage. That's why I think counseling about that would be beneficial.
Quiet, you don't mention whether he's using AA -- just that he is aware of it. Alternative programs such as SMART Recovery, perhaps in conjunction with AA, may help him deal with unreasonable or irrational beliefs that he harbors about other aspects of his life, not just drinking.
We all have insecurities. The two of you may not be communicating well about how he's parenting. I wouldn't link all those problems to his drinking, as they sound like common problems in any marriage. Drinking may have made them worse, or made it more difficult to talk about them. But it didn't necessarily cause them.
And I don't personally call them character flaws. It's just behavior, and behavior that isn't working well can often be traced to irrational or dysfunctional beliefs that he has or that you have. Among the most common such beliefs are demanding and absolute thoughts, usually involving words like 'should, shouldn't, must, always, never', etc.
A basic tenet of REBT (www.rebt.org) is that we create our own distress. So to answer your question about when things will get better, I'd say things will get better for both of you when you work together on your communication skills, and will get better for you when you examine the beliefs you hold about his behavior.
Don S
Not the center of the Universe
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Orchard Lake, Michigan
Posts: 974
Quiet,
It's certainly about acceptance. It's certainly about change. It's also about patience. You wrote
Not too shabby for 60 days. It would appear that he has made the choice to stop drinking. From my personal experience, the real changes in me didn't even start until after nine months. It takes a while for the fog and the insanity to clear. How long? It's different for each of us. But you wrote
So the changes are starting to occur. Just not as fast as you would like. For me, it did take time to adjust to life without the full body armor of alcohol to protect me against all threats real and imagined. But it did happen and it's still happening. Recovery is not "not drinking", recovery is growth after the drinking stops. Growth takes time. You can't hot house recovery like a tomato.
You certainly don't need to adjust your private space to accomodate his recovery. All of us have a need for a certain amount of our own thoughts and lives and it's not the same amount for each of us. I think what you can do is slowly start to shift the focus in the relationship away from the "not drinking" to the "ok, lets use this oppourtunity to grow together." One of the real benefits of a recovery program like A.A. or SoberRecovery is that it will give him people to talk about the "not drinking" with besides you. People who know first hand how hard the "not drinking" really is at first. And that will give the two of you time to focus on everything but the "not drinking".
Don's suggestion of seeing a counselor together to start this process off is a very good one. Just remember that you can't make him change into the person you want anymore than you could make him stop drinking.
Just my 2.5 cents from the other side.
One Love, One Heart,
Tony
It's certainly about acceptance. It's certainly about change. It's also about patience. You wrote
He knows of AA, he knows of therapy, he knows what he has to do to keep me in his life. He has all the tools necessary to make the right choices and so far has done so.
Since he quit drinking hes much nicer. Much calmer, much more of everything good and stable. The problem is he has these insecurities.
You certainly don't need to adjust your private space to accomodate his recovery. All of us have a need for a certain amount of our own thoughts and lives and it's not the same amount for each of us. I think what you can do is slowly start to shift the focus in the relationship away from the "not drinking" to the "ok, lets use this oppourtunity to grow together." One of the real benefits of a recovery program like A.A. or SoberRecovery is that it will give him people to talk about the "not drinking" with besides you. People who know first hand how hard the "not drinking" really is at first. And that will give the two of you time to focus on everything but the "not drinking".
Don's suggestion of seeing a counselor together to start this process off is a very good one. Just remember that you can't make him change into the person you want anymore than you could make him stop drinking.
Just my 2.5 cents from the other side.
One Love, One Heart,
Tony
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
You mentioned your Al-anon program said it's none of your business. If you don't like the way you're being treated, you have the option to leave. Your "A" isn't sober, he's just dry. All he's done is stopped drinking and until he does something to get sober, he's going to be the way he is. Get out or get more into Al-anon and take care of yourself.
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
Many alcoholics "get dry" before the penny drops and they actully "get sober".
Your spouse may still be experiencing withdrawal after only two months and those early days in recovery can be hard on relationships.
Feelings have been hurt.
Lines of communication broken down.
Trust shattered.
It is a lot of work to rebuild these things and some marriages do not survive this early period.(no statistics to back this up,only eight years of sitting in aa meetings)
I agree that counselling may be a good alternative if you both want to try and save your marrriage but I suggest you find one who knows a little bit about alcoholism.
Alanon still remains a wonderful fellowship that helps significant others to deal with the A in their lives and I suggest you continue going.
In the end it all comes down to you and the choices you are willing to make.Only you can determine how much your marriage means to you and what you are willing to do to try and save it.
Your spouse may still be experiencing withdrawal after only two months and those early days in recovery can be hard on relationships.
Feelings have been hurt.
Lines of communication broken down.
Trust shattered.
It is a lot of work to rebuild these things and some marriages do not survive this early period.(no statistics to back this up,only eight years of sitting in aa meetings)
I agree that counselling may be a good alternative if you both want to try and save your marrriage but I suggest you find one who knows a little bit about alcoholism.
Alanon still remains a wonderful fellowship that helps significant others to deal with the A in their lives and I suggest you continue going.
In the end it all comes down to you and the choices you are willing to make.Only you can determine how much your marriage means to you and what you are willing to do to try and save it.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
