I just want to die.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Kingston, NY
Posts: 390
I just want to die.
Last night, my husband went to the neighbor's house and stayed there for five hours. Dinner came and went, and no word from him. Finally, around midnight, I went next door to see what was up. He came home then, and went completely insane, calling me a nagging b*tch, pathetic, weak, disgusting... anything you can think of that one person could say to another to hurt them - he said that, and so much more... you wouldn't even believe how incredibly cruel he was. Then he announced that he wants a divorce and he went to bed. We have only been married for 8 months. I have been struggling with depression and recovery, as many of you know, and I know that isn't an easy thing to live with. However, I work to support us (he's starting a new career, so doesn't make much money), I do all the chores around the house, cook, clean... and I always try to take the time to pay him kindnesses. He doesn't want for sex or for affection. As I said, I struggle very hard with a lot of emotional issues - but these are not things he didn't know when he asked me to marry him. I am not a perfect person, but I am kind, gentle, and thoughtful. I do not deserve to be treated the way he treated me. My heart is just broken, smashed. He has anger issues, and this isn't something new to me, but I never thought I would hear the things I heard last night. He said things that cannot be taken back... I am so hurt that I can hardly breathe. I cannot believe he wants to end our marriage. We have been under stress, but nothing unlike many other people... and I did nothing to engender his rage. I am not a naggy wife. I do not demand flowers or jewelry or anything.... I don't buy things for myself, and I try to be the best person I can be. I do not understand why he hates me. It hurts so badly, guys, I just feel as though I am dying. I don't know what to do. I'm not even at work... I couldn't go. I'm on a computer at the library....
I cannot breathe. Thank you for listening.
--anne
I cannot breathe. Thank you for listening.
--anne
In Memory Of
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Connecticut.
Posts: 3,736
I'd say he's got anger issue's alright. Who knows? Maybe he had some kind of hair up his a$$. Sometimes people say terrible things that they don't mean. Try not to get yourself too worked up. Let him cool off and try to have a talk.Maybe some marriage counseling, perhaps you can call someone for an appointment today.Anne, from reading your posts, you seem like a lovely person. Things will work out.Turn it over, stick close to your recovery program.
Bless, Trish
Bless, Trish
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Kingston, NY
Posts: 390
Thank you, Trish. I feel very lost right now... I didn't know I could hurt so very badly. He is not interested in marriage counseling - or individual therapy, either. He needs it; he is one of the angriest men I have ever met in my life. I should have known better than to think it would be ok after we got married. The trouble is that I love him so much... but the things he said, the way he threatened me.. I don't know how to forgive that. Knowing him, he's already gotten the paperwork together for a divorce. I did not even think something like this would happen. I just don't understand - I can't get my head around it.
Thank you for your kind words... thank you.
Thank you for your kind words... thank you.
perbear
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Saskatoon Saskatchewan
Posts: 19
I'm sorry to hear how your night went you don't deserve to be treated badly. It sounds like you are a good person that is recovering from your illness. Try and find the support you need for yourself to stay on your journey of recovery! God does not make junk do what you need to for you to feel OK. I will pray for you and there are lots of people that care because we can relate to you on the challenges you face. Take care and God bless!
In Memory Of
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Connecticut.
Posts: 3,736
Well then...perhaps in the long run you would be better off.I know you love him,but maybe you deserve better. Keep your head where your feet are for right now. You really dont know what is going to happen, dont try and guess, we never project positive! Either way, you are going to be alright, you know?
Old and in the Way
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: High and Dry
Posts: 789
Anne - I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I don't have any advice except to find some people nearby who care about you and you can be with right now. I can't recall if you're in AA, but if there's nobody else you'd like to be around, you'll find people at a meeting who'll be there for you.
Card Carrying Optimist
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: The Great Pacific Northwest
Posts: 136
(((((Anne)))))
Do whatever you need to take care of yourself. I have often read your posts and you strike me as a kind, lovely, intuitive woman.
Extra hugs, love and prayers
Love Pearl
Do whatever you need to take care of yourself. I have often read your posts and you strike me as a kind, lovely, intuitive woman.
Extra hugs, love and prayers
Love Pearl
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Anne,
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this so early in your recovery. I think, I'm speaking for everyone in here, we all think you're a sweet person.
Divorce is painful, if you know in your heart you're doing what you needed to do to make your marriage work then, it's your husband and not you.
We learn early to shift blame for our unhappiness. Sounds to me like your husband is doing just that!!!
Q. do you want to be in a marriage where it's one sided? Love isn't love unless it's coming back. I can love my car but, my car isn't going to love me back
I hope, you and your husband can talk this out. Suggest counselling, try and get to the root of any problems you are having.
I wish you well and we're all in here to support you most of us have been where you are right now. I left 4 small kids behind when, I got divorced!!!!
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this so early in your recovery. I think, I'm speaking for everyone in here, we all think you're a sweet person.
Divorce is painful, if you know in your heart you're doing what you needed to do to make your marriage work then, it's your husband and not you.
We learn early to shift blame for our unhappiness. Sounds to me like your husband is doing just that!!!
Q. do you want to be in a marriage where it's one sided? Love isn't love unless it's coming back. I can love my car but, my car isn't going to love me back
I hope, you and your husband can talk this out. Suggest counselling, try and get to the root of any problems you are having.
I wish you well and we're all in here to support you most of us have been where you are right now. I left 4 small kids behind when, I got divorced!!!!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,444
Oh Anne, I am so, so sorry to read this post. I know how much you've struggled and what great strides you've made in your recovery since you've been at SR. I can't imagine how devastating the comments your husband made to you must feel. I think you need to just try to breathe and remember to not blame yourself. Of course no one is perfect and we all struggle but you know you have done your best and it does seem like your husband has issues he really needs to deal with.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and hope that you will find light at the end of this tunnel. Stay strong and keep posting.
Love, Anna
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and hope that you will find light at the end of this tunnel. Stay strong and keep posting.
Love, Anna
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Kingston, NY
Posts: 390
Thank you all so much. I thought I didn't have any tears left, but here they come again. And at a public library. I just don't care.. I feel so, so very terrible.
Thank you all for your kindness... I don't think I could ever thank you enough. I need those prayers and good thoughts like I never have before. I won't drink over this. I won't.
My time is up at the computer. I'll check back later, I hope.
thank you.
Thank you all for your kindness... I don't think I could ever thank you enough. I need those prayers and good thoughts like I never have before. I won't drink over this. I won't.
My time is up at the computer. I'll check back later, I hope.
thank you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Hi Ann,
I am so sorry that you are going through this....not really knowing your story...I just wonder has the problem been going on for awhile with your husband or is this out of the blue...you sound very nice and certainly don't deserve any of this. Please stay focused on your recovery and let your HP be your guide.....Hugs to you...
Love, Patty
I am so sorry that you are going through this....not really knowing your story...I just wonder has the problem been going on for awhile with your husband or is this out of the blue...you sound very nice and certainly don't deserve any of this. Please stay focused on your recovery and let your HP be your guide.....Hugs to you...
Love, Patty
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Arizona
Posts: 872
Oh boy. You know the first thing I'm going to say. Stay close to AA, meetings, sober people, the phone, and especially God. The second thing I would say is "don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out" -- obviously we know who that's aimed at...
It saddens me to see when others are abusive, especially when you are trying to get a recovery program together. It doesn't seem fair, but it is what it is. Most important right now is your sobriety. Remember, without it we have nothing. I can only say that if I were in your position, my greatest tool (besides those mentioned above) would be the Serenity Prayer. We truly have to accept the things we cannot change. That's other people, places and things...
Anne, find someone you trust in the program and stay close. Get to meetings and share, I'm sure you will find the support you need. I have a quote in the back of my Big Book my sponsor shared with me... Unfortunately my BB is in my car, so I will try to PM to you later...
Hang on! This too shall pass in time, and I know you'll come out stronger!
Ken
It saddens me to see when others are abusive, especially when you are trying to get a recovery program together. It doesn't seem fair, but it is what it is. Most important right now is your sobriety. Remember, without it we have nothing. I can only say that if I were in your position, my greatest tool (besides those mentioned above) would be the Serenity Prayer. We truly have to accept the things we cannot change. That's other people, places and things...
Anne, find someone you trust in the program and stay close. Get to meetings and share, I'm sure you will find the support you need. I have a quote in the back of my Big Book my sponsor shared with me... Unfortunately my BB is in my car, so I will try to PM to you later...
Hang on! This too shall pass in time, and I know you'll come out stronger!
Ken
Not the center of the Universe
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Orchard Lake, Michigan
Posts: 974
Hi Ann,
I am deeply saddened too by what you are going through. I think maybe saddness like this brings out the desire in all of us to wish we actually were God if only for just a brief moment. I tell you what, if I were I'd set about fixing you up ASAP. It just seems so inadequate to say "This too shall pass" and "I'll keep you in my prayers". As frustrating as it is, that is all I can say but perhaps there is more to the "keeping you in my prayers" thing than I know.
Please stay with your recovery and find some one to talk to about your difficulties with in real, live, human space. And let us know how things are going. And don't pick up a drink. You know it won't change a thing, I know it won't change a thing, all your friends and supporters here know it won't change a thing.
You've been a great source of experience, strength and hope here on SR, and I know if the shoe was on the other foot, you would say to me "You can make it through this without drinking." So listen to yourself.
One Love, One Heart,
Tony
I am deeply saddened too by what you are going through. I think maybe saddness like this brings out the desire in all of us to wish we actually were God if only for just a brief moment. I tell you what, if I were I'd set about fixing you up ASAP. It just seems so inadequate to say "This too shall pass" and "I'll keep you in my prayers". As frustrating as it is, that is all I can say but perhaps there is more to the "keeping you in my prayers" thing than I know.
Please stay with your recovery and find some one to talk to about your difficulties with in real, live, human space. And let us know how things are going. And don't pick up a drink. You know it won't change a thing, I know it won't change a thing, all your friends and supporters here know it won't change a thing.
You've been a great source of experience, strength and hope here on SR, and I know if the shoe was on the other foot, you would say to me "You can make it through this without drinking." So listen to yourself.
One Love, One Heart,
Tony
Braveheart
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: California
Posts: 60
((((((Ann)))))))
My heart hurts for you. Hang in there regarding your sobriety. Listen to these fine folks. But also remember, an abusive relationship is very damaging to your self-esteem. I know by experience.
Thinking of you.
Gina
My heart hurts for you. Hang in there regarding your sobriety. Listen to these fine folks. But also remember, an abusive relationship is very damaging to your self-esteem. I know by experience.
Thinking of you.
Gina
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
Anne....
I can relate to that kicked in the gut feel...
I was devistated when my husband walked in one night and said it was over...
lol.. and I didn't even love him...
But.. it was the best thing that ever happened to me...
It let me bury myself in the program and pull myself out of the shytehole I'd dug...
Here's a few things to remember when Mr. Rage pukes on you...
Recovery Self-Talk Affirmation Scripts
In order to help plan your recovery program , you need positive self-talk affirmations for your efforts. Use the following self-talk affirmation scripts to help sustain your motivation to work on your recovery program. Put them on 3 by 5 cards in your office, home, car, computer, etc. Use them as reminders that you deserve to be a healthy person with rational thoughts, emotions and actions.
A. Recovery is a seven-day-a-week effort.
B. I am responsible for my own recovery.
C. I can do whatever it takes to get my recovery program on track.
D. I will love myself enough to work on my recovery.
E. I can only look to myself for the answers as to what is best for me.
F. I can gain insight into what I need by doing my journal responding and readings on a weekly basis.
G. I have time for me.
H. I deserve the time I put into my recovery.
I. I am a lovable, capable person who is in the process of recovering from the behavioral consequences of low self-esteem.
J. I can reach out for the support of my Buddies at SEA when I need it.
K. I will put the burden of my recovery on no one else but me.
L. I am an honest, open, and feeling person.
M. I will take the time I need to recover.
N. I will grow in patience as I see that recovery takes time.
O. I am an intelligent, competent, and creative person capable of self-recovery.
P. I can love myself enough to forgive me if I should experience relapse in my recovery process.
Q. I deserve the time I am taking away from my workaholic and idle time which I am applying to my recovery.
R. There are no excuses for my lack of taking time for myself.
S. I am the person who is the sculptor of the "new me.''
T. I will make a schedule for my recovery program and live by it.
(Coping.org is a Public Service of James J. Messina, Ph.D. & Constance M. Messina, Ph.D) Praying for you Anne...
Just one right thing after another...
that's how it's done..
I can relate to that kicked in the gut feel...
I was devistated when my husband walked in one night and said it was over...
lol.. and I didn't even love him...
But.. it was the best thing that ever happened to me...
It let me bury myself in the program and pull myself out of the shytehole I'd dug...
Here's a few things to remember when Mr. Rage pukes on you...
Recovery Self-Talk Affirmation Scripts
In order to help plan your recovery program , you need positive self-talk affirmations for your efforts. Use the following self-talk affirmation scripts to help sustain your motivation to work on your recovery program. Put them on 3 by 5 cards in your office, home, car, computer, etc. Use them as reminders that you deserve to be a healthy person with rational thoughts, emotions and actions.
A. Recovery is a seven-day-a-week effort.
B. I am responsible for my own recovery.
C. I can do whatever it takes to get my recovery program on track.
D. I will love myself enough to work on my recovery.
E. I can only look to myself for the answers as to what is best for me.
F. I can gain insight into what I need by doing my journal responding and readings on a weekly basis.
G. I have time for me.
H. I deserve the time I put into my recovery.
I. I am a lovable, capable person who is in the process of recovering from the behavioral consequences of low self-esteem.
J. I can reach out for the support of my Buddies at SEA when I need it.
K. I will put the burden of my recovery on no one else but me.
L. I am an honest, open, and feeling person.
M. I will take the time I need to recover.
N. I will grow in patience as I see that recovery takes time.
O. I am an intelligent, competent, and creative person capable of self-recovery.
P. I can love myself enough to forgive me if I should experience relapse in my recovery process.
Q. I deserve the time I am taking away from my workaholic and idle time which I am applying to my recovery.
R. There are no excuses for my lack of taking time for myself.
S. I am the person who is the sculptor of the "new me.''
T. I will make a schedule for my recovery program and live by it.
(Coping.org is a Public Service of James J. Messina, Ph.D. & Constance M. Messina, Ph.D)
Just one right thing after another...
that's how it's done..
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by quercusalba
I do not deserve to be treated the way he treated me.
My prayers go out for you that you find the peace and love and respect you deserve.
Hugs
Ann
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
O My...
sweet Anne! It is so difficult to understand how cruel and evil others can be. Amd...
abuse only escalates. This time words and next time fists. Anger does not abate with time.
I am very concerned for your safety. Please make a plan.
Keep your car keys on you...a checbook & cash. Put a bag in the car with clothes. Think of a friend you could run to or a hotel/motel. Look up a Womans Shelter in your area. Find their location.
Too dranatic? Nope! It's protection!
Cry and be sad but be prepared to save yourself.
Anne is not a victim but a survivor!
Extra love and prayers...
abuse only escalates. This time words and next time fists. Anger does not abate with time.
I am very concerned for your safety. Please make a plan.
Keep your car keys on you...a checbook & cash. Put a bag in the car with clothes. Think of a friend you could run to or a hotel/motel. Look up a Womans Shelter in your area. Find their location.
Too dranatic? Nope! It's protection!
Cry and be sad but be prepared to save yourself.
Anne is not a victim but a survivor!
Extra love and prayers...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
I am so sorry; this recently happened to me .......pretty much the same actions from my A/H after 27yrs marriage/2 children. It is a living nightmare, I know.
Have you been on the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum? Lots there in similar place.
Have you been on the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum? Lots there in similar place.
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Washington
Posts: 5,093
(((Anne)))
I'm so sorry for your situation and the pain it is causing you. I know exactly how you feel. My ex-husband was very cruel and abusive. The things that he said and picked on me about, didn't really pertain to me. You see, he was really unhappy with himself and suffered from low self esteem and anger issues. I was merely the target of his anger and insecurities. I suspect the same with you. You don't deserve to be treated the way he treated you. What worries me is this type of behavior usually gets worse, not better. Within time, he may become cold and callous to his hurtful ways. Cruelty becomes the norm instead of an isolated incident.
I don't want to sound pessimistic. I don't even know your husband, but I'm very familiar with the behavior. It sounds as if he isn't remorseful or willing to get help. How can you have a one sided marriage? I know you are beyond hurting, but what isn't apparent now will become very apparent down the road. Stay strong Anne. You have a great support system here. Stay with your kind and try to remember, everything happens for a reason. It may hurt like h3ll right now, but we become all the more stronger for living through the pain. Take care of yourself and don't start doubting yourself. You will survive this. Make sure of it by taking care of your spirit and staying strong. I know it feels impossible to heal right now and you are wondering how will you ever get through this bad dream. The answer is one day at a time. Time heals all wounds. My wish for you is that everything will turn out fine, that this was an isolated incident. I really do. Just try to be prepared if it isn't. Bless you... you're in my thoughts and prayers.
LeAnne
I'm so sorry for your situation and the pain it is causing you. I know exactly how you feel. My ex-husband was very cruel and abusive. The things that he said and picked on me about, didn't really pertain to me. You see, he was really unhappy with himself and suffered from low self esteem and anger issues. I was merely the target of his anger and insecurities. I suspect the same with you. You don't deserve to be treated the way he treated you. What worries me is this type of behavior usually gets worse, not better. Within time, he may become cold and callous to his hurtful ways. Cruelty becomes the norm instead of an isolated incident.
I don't want to sound pessimistic. I don't even know your husband, but I'm very familiar with the behavior. It sounds as if he isn't remorseful or willing to get help. How can you have a one sided marriage? I know you are beyond hurting, but what isn't apparent now will become very apparent down the road. Stay strong Anne. You have a great support system here. Stay with your kind and try to remember, everything happens for a reason. It may hurt like h3ll right now, but we become all the more stronger for living through the pain. Take care of yourself and don't start doubting yourself. You will survive this. Make sure of it by taking care of your spirit and staying strong. I know it feels impossible to heal right now and you are wondering how will you ever get through this bad dream. The answer is one day at a time. Time heals all wounds. My wish for you is that everything will turn out fine, that this was an isolated incident. I really do. Just try to be prepared if it isn't. Bless you... you're in my thoughts and prayers.
LeAnne
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