Feeling angry...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Kingston, NY
Posts: 390
Feeling angry...
...which is definitely a red flag. I am angry about the great swathes of my life that I allowed to be eaten up by alcoholism - for all the lost conversations with friends and family because I was too drunk to remember them the next day... for all the workouts I missed and all the substandard work I did thanks to hangovers... for all the wasting of time and energy and living - and I did it to myself! Man oh man, how I hate the day I ever picked up a drink. With all my heart, I hate that moment. I am feeling bitter and betrayed - and maybe the worst part is that the feelings of bitterness and betrayal were preventable. And I didn't lift a finger to prevent any of it. I was throwing shovels of dirt on my own casket.
I'm ranting, I know. I have to let go of the past, and I know I'm not promised tomorrow - stay in the moment, right?
Just wanted to get this stuff off my chest. Thank you for listening.
take care, and good weekends to all,
anne
I'm ranting, I know. I have to let go of the past, and I know I'm not promised tomorrow - stay in the moment, right?
Just wanted to get this stuff off my chest. Thank you for listening.
take care, and good weekends to all,
anne
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hi Anne...Well..
If I were not an alcoholic I would not be able to share recovery with other alcoholics.
I truoly feel that is my purpose in this life.
Have a serene weekend...Blessings
If I were not an alcoholic I would not be able to share recovery with other alcoholics.
I truoly feel that is my purpose in this life.
Have a serene weekend...Blessings
JUST DO IT!!
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Here Or There
Posts: 7,612
Thank you Anne for that cause that has been a lot of my problems here lately I believe, the relief that I have just had knowing that I am angry. Now I know why I have been so screwed up in the head lately. I am angry at my self for not being where I think I should be and I am probably right where I need to be. You have no idea of how you just helped me thank you so much.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 410
Now that I am truly trying to quit and failing miserably, I am feeling more anger/pissed off at the loss of control I have concerning things that should be a simple yes or no choice... do I or don't I want to drink... no I don't... then what the hell is in your hand... don't open it... oh, now it's open... but you don't want this... it'll be just one... you know you can't just have one... sure ya can... just cause you didn't in the past doesn't mean you can't now... you always say that... yeah, but this is different...
by then, it's an empty can, the two minds begin melding into the "well, just one more" thing...
I get so pissed off at me.. not like throwing things mad, just dissappointed. I can look back on my life and think of many a good time blurred away into non-specific "that was a fun night..." time.
I suppose that's normal though... many here must share these feelings... helps to know we're not alone.
by then, it's an empty can, the two minds begin melding into the "well, just one more" thing...
I get so pissed off at me.. not like throwing things mad, just dissappointed. I can look back on my life and think of many a good time blurred away into non-specific "that was a fun night..." time.
I suppose that's normal though... many here must share these feelings... helps to know we're not alone.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Arizona
Posts: 872
(((Anne)))
Sorry you are feeling angry. I go there myself once in a while!
The Serenity Prayer, although extremely simple, helps me so much. The first line asks for the "serenity to accept the things I cannot change." Besides other people, places and things, I cannot change my past. This is what the 12 steps help with as well.
If you are a prayin' gal, I would find a beautiful piece of sky, look up, and continue repeating the Serenity Prayer. My sponsor had me do this one time I was all knotted up. Boy, it helped so much!
Rimmy -- stop trying to quit, man -- just don't drink TODAY. You can drink tomorrow, and if tomorrow comes and you look at your watch, and it's TODAY, then you won't drink TODAY.
Anne, keep the faith!
Ken
Sorry you are feeling angry. I go there myself once in a while!
The Serenity Prayer, although extremely simple, helps me so much. The first line asks for the "serenity to accept the things I cannot change." Besides other people, places and things, I cannot change my past. This is what the 12 steps help with as well.
If you are a prayin' gal, I would find a beautiful piece of sky, look up, and continue repeating the Serenity Prayer. My sponsor had me do this one time I was all knotted up. Boy, it helped so much!
Rimmy -- stop trying to quit, man -- just don't drink TODAY. You can drink tomorrow, and if tomorrow comes and you look at your watch, and it's TODAY, then you won't drink TODAY.
Anne, keep the faith!
Ken
1 bite&all resistance crumbles
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: IRELAND
Posts: 2,208
(((Anne))))
Thinking of you...your purpose is going to become clear, try not to be hard on yourself, you have your whole life ahead of you to act in the way you wish you had...you just didn't alcoholism is pretty powerful, and like me you were perhaps always destined to pick up that first drink...try and have faith that your purpose WILL be revealed, and nOTHING has been wasted.
You're such a special lady, try give yourself a break you really are wonderful!
Cathy31
x
Thinking of you...your purpose is going to become clear, try not to be hard on yourself, you have your whole life ahead of you to act in the way you wish you had...you just didn't alcoholism is pretty powerful, and like me you were perhaps always destined to pick up that first drink...try and have faith that your purpose WILL be revealed, and nOTHING has been wasted.
You're such a special lady, try give yourself a break
you really are wonderful!Cathy31
x
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: fumbling towards ecstasy
Posts: 2,551
Originally Posted by Cathy31
alcoholism is pretty powerful, and like me you were perhaps always destined to pick up that first drink...try and have faith that your purpose WILL be revealed, and nOTHING has been wasted.
Don't quit, Anne. Honor your anger, but keep doing the work. The gifts will come.
hugs,
--phinny
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Anne,
When I get into the "If only's" and "Why didnt I" kinda thinking, I try to remember the 3 C's of alcoholism.
I didnt cause it.
I cant control it.
I cant cure it.
So, if thats true, then there was no way for you to have been able to do anything BUT those destructive behaviors back then. Thats what the disease required you do.It is just so muchmore powerful than us, its like trying to hold back the next incoming wave at the beach. Just cant do it.
So,,,,cant change the past, cant cure what happened, cant control the regrets,,, but you can recover today and that is the best gift you can give yourself, your family and the next newcomer. This too shall pass, friend!
When I get into the "If only's" and "Why didnt I" kinda thinking, I try to remember the 3 C's of alcoholism.
I didnt cause it.
I cant control it.
I cant cure it.
So, if thats true, then there was no way for you to have been able to do anything BUT those destructive behaviors back then. Thats what the disease required you do.It is just so muchmore powerful than us, its like trying to hold back the next incoming wave at the beach. Just cant do it.
So,,,,cant change the past, cant cure what happened, cant control the regrets,,, but you can recover today and that is the best gift you can give yourself, your family and the next newcomer. This too shall pass, friend!
Michael
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: London England
Posts: 291
Anne,
I really can relate to your anger. I felt the same anguish over the lost years and the person I could have been if I had only woken up to the effects of alcohol earlier in my drinking career. I had a great chance at sobriety ten or twelve years ago and I blew it.
Now here comes the but. But there is no use in beating yourself up over it. I have found it much better to channel the anger and pain into a positive approach. Concentrate on how staying sober can improve what you are today.
I attended a few AA meetings (not for me, whole different thread for another day) and I will always remember a man there who had a wealth of great sayings about the struggle we all go through. He once described all our yesterdays as a foreign country. We can't go there, we can't change it, we simply have to accept it's presence and get on with living today.
I am as sure as I can be that you will feel better tomorrow.
Thinking of you
Michael
I really can relate to your anger. I felt the same anguish over the lost years and the person I could have been if I had only woken up to the effects of alcohol earlier in my drinking career. I had a great chance at sobriety ten or twelve years ago and I blew it.
Now here comes the but. But there is no use in beating yourself up over it. I have found it much better to channel the anger and pain into a positive approach. Concentrate on how staying sober can improve what you are today.
I attended a few AA meetings (not for me, whole different thread for another day) and I will always remember a man there who had a wealth of great sayings about the struggle we all go through. He once described all our yesterdays as a foreign country. We can't go there, we can't change it, we simply have to accept it's presence and get on with living today.
I am as sure as I can be that you will feel better tomorrow.
Thinking of you
Michael
1 bite&all resistance crumbles
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: IRELAND
Posts: 2,208
Originally Posted by Phinneas
...And I discovered that there are gifts that come out of the recovery process. So, so many gifts - grace, compassion, humility, openness, spiritual connectedness, peace, love and even joy.... Honor your anger, but keep doing the work. The gifts will come.
How you feeilng today Anne?
Cathy31
x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Kingston, NY
Posts: 390
Just wanted to say thanks to all of you for your kindness and words of thought and wisdom. I need these things right now like I would need a life preserver in a pitching ocean. I seem to be sort of stuck... have felt this way for some time now, if you hadn't already gathered from the tone of my posts for awhile.
I'm still working through things, but it's very hard. I'm not complaining, just being honest. We all have our own bogs to slog through, I know.
They say "Nothing changes if nothing changes," right? Am I crazy to think I need to totally turn my life upside down to really affect a lasting change? I feel as though I'm doing so much to recover and to feel better, and yet I feel as though I'm getting nowhere. Thankfully, I know enough now to realize that I *am* getting somewhere... and probably I am where I need to be right now... but it doesn't feel like enough.
Anyhow, I'm rambling. I'll keep chipping away at this thing called alcoholism.
Really, thank you all so much, I needed to hear all of these things from you.
take care,
anne
I'm still working through things, but it's very hard. I'm not complaining, just being honest. We all have our own bogs to slog through, I know.
They say "Nothing changes if nothing changes," right? Am I crazy to think I need to totally turn my life upside down to really affect a lasting change? I feel as though I'm doing so much to recover and to feel better, and yet I feel as though I'm getting nowhere. Thankfully, I know enough now to realize that I *am* getting somewhere... and probably I am where I need to be right now... but it doesn't feel like enough.
Anyhow, I'm rambling. I'll keep chipping away at this thing called alcoholism.
Really, thank you all so much, I needed to hear all of these things from you.
take care,
anne
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Anne,
channel those feelings into something positive. We learn more from our failures then our success.
I don't live in the city of regret and you shouldn't either.
CITY OF REGRET
Song SelectionMY WAYTOWN W/O PITY
I had not really planned on taking a trip this time of year and yet I found myself packing rather hurriedly.
This trip was going to be unpleasant and I knew in advance that no real good would come of it.
I'm talking about my annual GUILT TRIP.
I got tickets to fly there on WISHIHAD airlines. It was an extremely short flight.
I got my baggage which I could not check. I chose to carry it myself, all the way.
It was weighted down with a thousand memories of what MIGHT HAVE BEEN.
No one greeted me as I entered the terminal to the REGRET CITY INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT. I say international because people from all over the world comes to this dismal town.
As I checked into the LAST RESORT HOTEL, I noticed they would be hosting the year's most important event, the ANNUAL PITY PARTY.
I wasn't going to miss that great social occasion. Many of the towns leading citizens would be there.
First, there would be the DONE family. You know them by, SHOULD HAVE, WOULD HAVE and COULD HAVE.
Then came the I HAD family.
You probably already know ol' WISH and his clan.
Of course, the OPPORTUNITIES would be present; MISSED and LOST.
The biggest family would be the YESTERDAYS.
There are far too many of them to count, but each one would have a very sad story to share.
SHATTERED DREAMS would surely make an appearance.
IT'S THEIR FAULT would regale us with stories (excuses) about how things had failed in his life.
Each story would be loudly applauded by DON'T BLAME ME and I COULDN'T HELP IT.
Well, to make a long story short, I went to this depressing party knowing that there would be no real benefit in doing so.
And, as usual, I became very depressed.
But as I thought about all of the stories of failures from the past, it occurred to me that this trip and subsequent PITY PARTIES could be canceled by ME!
I started to realize that I did not have to be there.
I didn't have to be depressed.
One thing kept going through my mind:
"I can't change YESTERDAY, but I do have the power to make Today a Wonderful day".
I can be Happy, Joyous, Fulfilled, Encouraged, as well as Encouraging.
Knowing this, I left the CITY OF REGRET immediately and left no forwarding address.
Am I sorry for the mistakes I've made in the past? YES! But there is no physical way to undo them.
So, If you are planning a trip to the CITY OF REGRET, please cancel all your reservations now.
Instead, take a trip to a place called STARTING AGAIN.
I liked it so much that I have now taken up permanent residence there.
My neighbors, the I FORGIVE MYSELF'S and the NEW STARTS are so very helpful.
By the way, you don't have to carry around heavy baggage, because the load is lifted from your shoulders upon arrival.
God bless you in finding this new town.
YOU can find it -- it's in your own heart -- please look me up. I live on I CAN DO IT street.
Just stay focused on what a great day you can make this one
hugs
chris
channel those feelings into something positive. We learn more from our failures then our success.
I don't live in the city of regret and you shouldn't either.
CITY OF REGRET
Song SelectionMY WAYTOWN W/O PITY
I had not really planned on taking a trip this time of year and yet I found myself packing rather hurriedly.
This trip was going to be unpleasant and I knew in advance that no real good would come of it.
I'm talking about my annual GUILT TRIP.
I got tickets to fly there on WISHIHAD airlines. It was an extremely short flight.
I got my baggage which I could not check. I chose to carry it myself, all the way.
It was weighted down with a thousand memories of what MIGHT HAVE BEEN.
No one greeted me as I entered the terminal to the REGRET CITY INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT. I say international because people from all over the world comes to this dismal town.
As I checked into the LAST RESORT HOTEL, I noticed they would be hosting the year's most important event, the ANNUAL PITY PARTY.
I wasn't going to miss that great social occasion. Many of the towns leading citizens would be there.
First, there would be the DONE family. You know them by, SHOULD HAVE, WOULD HAVE and COULD HAVE.
Then came the I HAD family.
You probably already know ol' WISH and his clan.
Of course, the OPPORTUNITIES would be present; MISSED and LOST.
The biggest family would be the YESTERDAYS.
There are far too many of them to count, but each one would have a very sad story to share.
SHATTERED DREAMS would surely make an appearance.
IT'S THEIR FAULT would regale us with stories (excuses) about how things had failed in his life.
Each story would be loudly applauded by DON'T BLAME ME and I COULDN'T HELP IT.
Well, to make a long story short, I went to this depressing party knowing that there would be no real benefit in doing so.
And, as usual, I became very depressed.
But as I thought about all of the stories of failures from the past, it occurred to me that this trip and subsequent PITY PARTIES could be canceled by ME!
I started to realize that I did not have to be there.
I didn't have to be depressed.
One thing kept going through my mind:
"I can't change YESTERDAY, but I do have the power to make Today a Wonderful day".
I can be Happy, Joyous, Fulfilled, Encouraged, as well as Encouraging.
Knowing this, I left the CITY OF REGRET immediately and left no forwarding address.
Am I sorry for the mistakes I've made in the past? YES! But there is no physical way to undo them.
So, If you are planning a trip to the CITY OF REGRET, please cancel all your reservations now.
Instead, take a trip to a place called STARTING AGAIN.
I liked it so much that I have now taken up permanent residence there.
My neighbors, the I FORGIVE MYSELF'S and the NEW STARTS are so very helpful.
By the way, you don't have to carry around heavy baggage, because the load is lifted from your shoulders upon arrival.
God bless you in finding this new town.
YOU can find it -- it's in your own heart -- please look me up. I live on I CAN DO IT street.
Just stay focused on what a great day you can make this one
hugs
chris
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Kingston, NY
Posts: 390
Thanks Chris... Kathy... Ken... - all! And Clive too!
I had something of a "breakthrough" last night... one of those "a-HA!" moments. I was due for one of those. Nothing huge... just sort of a settling in a the feeling that if I work hard at it, I can have a great life, a worthy life, and that I deserve not to remain in a bad emotional space. I guess I was sort of on a plateau in terms of both recovery and emotional growth, and my lovely addicted self couldn't bear to be patient through it, so instead I became angry. I'm sure that won't be the last time that happens - seems to be the way of being human - but I feel as though I've been given a breath of fresh air. I feel good.
Thank you all for being there for me through all of this painful stuff.
wishing everyone the best,
anne
I had something of a "breakthrough" last night... one of those "a-HA!" moments. I was due for one of those. Nothing huge... just sort of a settling in a the feeling that if I work hard at it, I can have a great life, a worthy life, and that I deserve not to remain in a bad emotional space. I guess I was sort of on a plateau in terms of both recovery and emotional growth, and my lovely addicted self couldn't bear to be patient through it, so instead I became angry. I'm sure that won't be the last time that happens - seems to be the way of being human - but I feel as though I've been given a breath of fresh air. I feel good.
Thank you all for being there for me through all of this painful stuff.
wishing everyone the best,
anne
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Arizona
Posts: 872
Big ups to you Anne! I'm very happy for you...
I can hear an old-timer asking "did you drink over it?" If not, then all is well...
Going through some rough stuff myself, Mom is taking a turn for the worse and I'm going through all sorts of emotional roller coasters... some days it's just not picking up the damn drink.
Glad you made it through the muck!
Ken
I can hear an old-timer asking "did you drink over it?" If not, then all is well...
Going through some rough stuff myself, Mom is taking a turn for the worse and I'm going through all sorts of emotional roller coasters... some days it's just not picking up the damn drink.
Glad you made it through the muck!
Ken
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