tigergirl

Hi, I'm new here and have a question about expectation.
One of the main reasons I drank was my expectation of people and occurences far exceeded reality.
I can't(won't? ) seem to accept people as they are and idealize them terribly. When they attack or criticize(remarks which I find that way), i retreat in hurt silence and isolate which is very dangerous.I've been sober 2 years now and need some guidelines apart from the 12 steps.I have done the 4th and work on it every day.
Any suggestions or articles I can read?
Thanks

Wendy

I see a few things on this and I'll look around and message back if I find more.

Here is an excerpt I do have. "Our expectations have nothing to do with who other people really care, but rather reflect who we are and what we want."

"When others don't live up to our expectations we often become angry with them. They've disrupted our plans, disturbed our view of the world. Expectations close off our ability to let others be themselves and to see them as they are. If we let go of our expectations and allow others to be themselves, our relationships can grow. We can discover each other as we really are. Free of expectations and judgments, we can be open to pleasant surprises. Others may not be whatever we expect them to be. They may be even better."

tigergirl

Thanks for your reply Wendy.I realize that I must let people be as they are and I don't try to control them however,disappointement is a big issue in my relationships. I guess I'm trying to fuse with an ideal which doesn't exist.
Thanks I will look forward to your notes.

Don W

Hi Tigergirl, Welcome to the site. I can really identify with your post. When I look back I would put such high expectation on myself and others that failure was almost assured. I would expect things to go wrong. Once they did I would use it for an excuse to drink. I would use the old " see, I'm trying to be good and messed up. I knew something would go wrong. I might as well drink." Then there was " I tried to be a nice guy, Look what she/he did to me. Nobody gives me a break, I'm going to have a drink."
You can see it in many of the post on these boards. Many expect themselves to be perfect
in what we say, think, or do with our recovery. Then when we fail we beat ourselves up. I don't know if it will help but, someone gave me a suggestion that helps when I try to be perfect. He said" remember God gave you a gift, not his job." Anyway, once again welcome and keep posting. Don

tigergirl

Hi Don,
Yes I'm Miss Perfect and the pressure which we put on others and ourselves is huge.If I'm nice to him or her, she has to be nice to me.However,how do ordinary people react when someone is unpleasant to them?I mean you can't keep on cutting people out of your life?

Pickle

Hi,

Sometimes we turn our eyes on other people and expect them to be perfect, so we don't have to look at ourselves.

I recently dealt out a dose of tough love to Wendy and it hurt. The old saying no pain no gain is oh so true. Your teeth are not going to become straight, unless you have someone to tighten the braces.

Wendy, you sound great! I'm certainly not perfect and when I get on my "Miss Perfect" mode I have friends who set me straight.

Alcoholics are extremely sensitive people. This is why meetings are so important so that we can get involved and work on our character defects....clean house! It is not easy to grow up and not be door mats anymore.

Go to meetings, get involved, especially H & I panels. We need each other. Getting together outside of meetings is extremely important.

I love you guys!

Pickle

------------------


[This message has been edited by Pickle (edited April 06, 2002).]

carl

hi tigergirl i know exactly how you feel, i thought it was just me. i never know how to react when people are are vindictive towards me, i always felt that i had to be either violent or verbally aggressive in these situations or either say nothing and spend the rest of the evening chastising myself for not being assertive enough. i still havent found the answer though....