2tough2die

Has anyone just sort of been disappointed with the support friends and family have offered when you've told them you've gone dry?

And I'm not talking drinking buddies, but close... intimate and lifelong friends... close friends ... having a chilled response to my sobriety. People who I've walked through with during difficult times in thier lives for one reason or other.

I'd be lying if I didn't feel a little hurt, and even a little resentful that I can't even get a lukewarm response. I'm not saying "Look what I did!" or even asking for an investment in my sobriety. But a 'good to hear that' would have been nice.

I know SR and phones and meetings and all are great, and I'm thankful I am able to use all of these as tools. But my core relationships, including family members, have left me disheartened in the level of care they seem to show.

It almost led me to drinking tonight, b/c I felt rejected trying to reach out a little bit to those who should understand me the most. I went to a meeting instead and am making it through the night sober with the help of a couple folks here.

I'm not telling EVERYONE I know, only those who need to know. How does one get over or work through the disappointment of so little support from those who you care about most before it turns spiteful?

Chabroso

You went to the right place. A meeting is where you should be at a time like this.
You will get all the support you need there.
Sometimes family and friends just don't know what to say because they really don't understand what you are going through. Really, if they don't understand alcoholism they really can't relate to it. Give family/friends time and just concentrate and lean on the AA members, they will help you all the way. Good for you for making the right choice. It stopped you from picking up a drink.

CarolD

understand the hurt. My non drinking parents never acknowledged my brother and I had a drinking addiction or our recovery. I think it made them feel they had done a poor job raising us.

That was also true for non drinking friends. Being an alcoholic still carries a stigna for those people.
They seem to think we are weak/evil/nutso!


I now realize that only another alcoholic striving for sobriety appreciates the effort.
So...that is who I share with in order to gain mutual support.

Remember you can not be in charge of people places or things. Just your reaction.
Only your own recovery really matters.

Anna

I agree with Carol totally. Early on in my sobriety, I approached two close friends who had not seen me for awhile and knew nothing of what had been going on. I opened up the topic of alcoholism and was met with such nasty comments about alcoholics that I decided I would never do that again.

I truly believe that only others in the same situation can appreciate how hard we work at this.

Love, Anna

Chy

I went through something similar myself, but like my sponsor said "What did you expect, a parade?" *LOL*.... yes damn it I said! But Carol said it best for me to, my mom never thought I was that bad because she really never knew, my husband and kids probably didn't want to be set up for yet another disappointment, and with exception to one friend no one really knew the extent of my problem as I hid it pretty darn good because I only drank at home. So stick with us we're applauding your efforts!

Dan

Our relationships can become casualties of our past behavior. And they can even fall to the uncertainty and fear that our new found sobriety will instill in those close to us.
In the end though, in order to keep your sobriety the number one priority, this truism reflects how hard a simple belief can be to, well, believe...

'It's none of my business what you think of me.'

You went to a meeting instead of the bottle.
You won.

Ann

I read here often but rarely post, but something in this thread spoke to me.

Sometimes when my son would find sobriety, I would keep a safe distance emotionally, sometimes by putting a wall between us, not because what he was doing wasn't a good thing, but because I felt a need to protect my heart from being hurt again. Sometimes I needed time to test the sincerity of his sobriety, and mosttimes I was simply driven by my own fear.

Through my own recovery, I have learned that I don't have to do that, that I can enjoy the beauty of today and let tomorrow unfold as it may.

People not in recovery have a difficult time understanding either side of addiction, and sharing only with those I trust helps me stay true to myself and my program.

Like Dan said, what others think of me is none of my business, and for me that also applies to what others think of my son.

Perhaps instead of being disappointed in the shortcomings of others, just knowing that this is a reflection on them and not on you might help. You don't own their bad behaviour, but you do own the good things you have done for yourself and your own recovery and it's okay to approve yourself without validation from people who don't understand.

Hugs
Ann

Rimmy

With time, your friends and family will begin to see positive changes taking place in your life, and maybe then will see how important your decision was. But as was said, if they have not been there, it can be touchy and awkward for them because they can't really understand... better to say less than to say the wrong thing?

And if any of your friends or family are alcoholics themselves, it's probably a bit intimidating that you were able to stop.

Just hang in there over the weekend, stick to your support groups, and take it one day at a time still.

Oh, and I'll put on my umbrella hat and huge heart shaped sun-glasses and march around the house for Chy and the rest of you.... Then you can actially say you got a parade

Aaron

PlanoTexican

You may be reminding them of their own shortcomings.

We too have been under the same conditions as you. We have noticed some of our longtime friends have not been around much lately.

Yes, they are still drinking/using.

We are not going to let these folks bring us down. Way back down to their level. Our recognition for being clean/sober may never happen buy our peers. It will be, by us, when we lay down to go to sleep!

kweather99

Stinks when we eat humble pie, I feel for you.

It took me time to completely extinguish the trust I had built up with family, it will take me time to gain it back. TIME = things I must earn.

I also found out in recovery that expectations are built-in resentments, and resentments are the #1 relapse causer. I have no expectations of anyone, and I simply know that I am doing the very best I can at all times to seek and do the will of my HP. That gives me the humility I need to be able to survive my disease, and it also ensures that I am no longer wreaking the havoc I once did.

At the end of the day it's me and my HP on this journey. As long as I'm cool with Him I'm cool with the world. People's responses (or lack of) and opinions are their issues, and, as Dan said, none of my business.

I wish you (and us all) much more than luck.
Kevin

Fire_Wind_Rain

I actually had loved ones laugh in my face and tell me I couldn't possibly be an addict because they never saw me use. I was told by old timers when I walked into the halls of the program as an addict instead of an Alateen member, "You're too young to be an addict." I felt crushed. I wanted a badge dammit! I wanted to wave my flag of sobriety high and proud. How could I get recognition if no one believed I had a problem to begin with?

Then I came to believe that the program, the principles, and my new lifestyle were mine and mine alone. I've had people I love dearly die, betray me, move, etc. I now try to live my life and my program as if I were the only person left in the world with no meetings, no nothing. Just as using is a tremendously lonley place, so can recovery be as well.

Ann

Amen, Kevin, expectations either side of this can get each one of us in trouble. That was a very hard lesson for me to learn. Hope is based on faith in our Higher Power and not another person, expectations are based on fear, I believe.

This thread is helping me remember some things I needed to be reminded of right now, thank you for allowing me to sit in.

Hugs
Ann

Music

1. I don't set myself up for disappointment by expecting anyone to appreciate what I'm trying to do. I'm doing it for me!
2. I hang with the people who're going through what I'm going through. I don't set myself up for disappointment by expecting them to pat me on the back. I'm doing it for myself.
3. I look for things and try to do things which will make me grateful to have this chance to be sober and stay sober, and I don't set myself up for disappointment by expecting any high fives or congratulatory comments for my efforts. I do these things so I can stay sober. I have not control over anyone else.

Don S

The first time my business partner quit smoking, we all congratulated him, talked about it, other smokers shared experiences, etc.
By the fourth time he quit, we'd learned not to say anything.
So part of it is the diminished expectations folks have mentioned above.

It is also true that our sobriety often makes others uncomfortable because of their anxiety about their own drinking behavior.

Then there's the lack of perspective. When I first visited my parents after I quit drinking, they both knew that I had quit. So my father promptly offered me a glass of wine. Apparently 'not drinking' to him meant 'not drinking hard liquor'.
Kind of like the scene in Big Fat Greek Wedding when the aunt learns that the new b/f is a vegetarian: 'Fine! I'll cook lamb.'

Don't worry about them. We're proud of you!
Don S

2tough2die

Thanks everyone... it's encouraging to know that it's not just me, like it was something I said.

I guess in retrospect, I didn't at all consider anyone's expectations, mine included. I was just thinking, this is awesome, I'm six weeks sober!... and everyone would just feel the same way, not really knowing why I'd think that.

But they are them, and I am me. I'm glad y'all were here to remind me of that. All the posts were different, but it eventually comes down to that, doesn't it?

Again, Thanks everyone for sharing, you've really helped me more than you'll ever know. It's certainly a lesson I'm not going to forget. And thanks for the Parade, Rimmy

- Greg

Grimnar

I can sort of relate to this. When I told my wife that I thought I had an issue with alcohol, her attitude was basically "that is all you wanted to talk about?".

Since then she has had no interest in getting involved in any way. She once told me "do what you need to do but don't involve me" with regards to dealing with it. So yeah, I felt pretty hurt by that. It's gotten pretty ugly.


I agree with all of this. Doing it for myself is key.

Rimmy

Sorry to hear that Grimnar... I too at times in my recent sobriety have felt that my wife feels like she's lost something... I sometimes think it might be control? It's very strange. I went to her with my problem and she was like.. whatever. Since she's seen me sober now, she appreciates it a lot more, but there are still times.

Yesterday, we had a small disagreement... nothing big, but after 5 minutes, she says, "maybe you just need a beer" which tells me that if drunk, I'd probably have grabbed a beer, said "screw you" and left her alone.. = she wins...

and no, I didn't, I just said,"no, that's not it"

anyway, the point is, we are not always going to get the support we need even from those closest to us...

Again, I'm sorrry to hear that... hang in there and do it for yourself.

minnie

Can I just pop in as an alanon?

I think that when an alcoholic gets sober, all the dynamics that have balanced precariously for months and years go up the spout. Both partners are sick and need to get well. If only one gets recovery, then things are bound to be tricky. Al-anon is a wonderful programme for those affected by alcoholism - after all, it is a family disease.

Cindi

The weirdest thing I noticed is that some people who should have been the happiest for me when I made a commitment to get sober were some of the ones who seemed like they wanted me to fail-not to get sober and continue on a destructive path. They just downgraded me, basically told me they didn't believe in me, and all sorts of other crap. I wasn't asking for sympathy I was just thinking they wouldn't kick me while I was down and trying to get up-but the wonderful thing is, you can do it without them-surround yourself with the positive people in your life and know in your heart you WILL prove the people who didn't think you could do it wrong!

It really took me aback. I found more kindness from some complete strangers than in a couple of family members.

Millwallj

in the grande scheme of things...life and death...who cares what they think.


its about you: your mind, your body, and your life.