Is there any hope?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: London UK
Posts: 59
Is there any hope?
Hello everyone.
You may or may not remember me from some previous posts - I haven't been to SR for a while (probably about 2 months I think). My pattern has, predictably, progressed. The main issue is not the amount I drink (looking back at some of my previous posts, I actually don't think it has increased that much) but how I am in myself and my general feelings about the disease. For instance I've drunk tonight but didn't the previous 2 nights - I'm not physically addicted and haven't physically harmed myself (just had a 100% normal liver function blood test). BUT my general outlook has never been worse. I just don't really care about anything anymore. I'm not remotely in a place where I can feel mentally active enough to do anything as dramatic as 'recover'. I'm just a big blank. Also, whenever I make a decision to stop it doesn't last much longer than 2-3 days. Initially it always feels exciting and great; but it NEVER EVER EVER freaking lasts. So whenever I decide to stop, no matter how it feels (often like a grand epiphany), the only certainty is that I'm going to fail. How the hell does someone with these feelings make any kind of genuine breakthrough? To repeat: the only thing I know for sure about any decision to quit, be it abstinence, moderation, a dramatic sense of sudden religious fervour, a committment to AA, a decision to lose weight and go jogging every morning, WHATEVER!!!...the only thing I know is that it won't work because I'm too weak/variable/inconsistent. This means I feel I have no hope. And, frankly, I don't really. Do I?
Sorry if this sounds self-pitying. Thoughts very welcome.
Tommy
You may or may not remember me from some previous posts - I haven't been to SR for a while (probably about 2 months I think). My pattern has, predictably, progressed. The main issue is not the amount I drink (looking back at some of my previous posts, I actually don't think it has increased that much) but how I am in myself and my general feelings about the disease. For instance I've drunk tonight but didn't the previous 2 nights - I'm not physically addicted and haven't physically harmed myself (just had a 100% normal liver function blood test). BUT my general outlook has never been worse. I just don't really care about anything anymore. I'm not remotely in a place where I can feel mentally active enough to do anything as dramatic as 'recover'. I'm just a big blank. Also, whenever I make a decision to stop it doesn't last much longer than 2-3 days. Initially it always feels exciting and great; but it NEVER EVER EVER freaking lasts. So whenever I decide to stop, no matter how it feels (often like a grand epiphany), the only certainty is that I'm going to fail. How the hell does someone with these feelings make any kind of genuine breakthrough? To repeat: the only thing I know for sure about any decision to quit, be it abstinence, moderation, a dramatic sense of sudden religious fervour, a committment to AA, a decision to lose weight and go jogging every morning, WHATEVER!!!...the only thing I know is that it won't work because I'm too weak/variable/inconsistent. This means I feel I have no hope. And, frankly, I don't really. Do I?
Sorry if this sounds self-pitying. Thoughts very welcome.
Tommy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: here
Posts: 18
Hey the only thing that I can suggest to you is what I did to get sober and that was what you always here the rooms of alcoholics anonymous don't drink and go to meetings. Look to how you can relate to the people in the rooms, don't compare yourself by thinking you are different. I am not gonna lie to you in the beginning it absolutely sucked and it still sucks at times. But until i honestly gave aa a shot a kept an open-mind did it start to work in my life. Yes in the beginning I wanted to drink and to be completely honest with you I wanted to drink this weekend but I have to remember that there is nothing in my life that a drink will change. That if I go out and get wasted tonight I will still wake up in the morning with same problems and I will prolly have more whether it be emotional or whatever. In the beginning I did a written first step of how i was powerless over alcohol and how my life was unmanageable. To keep it simple for myself I just wrote down all the things that I did or didnt do because of drinking. I am a high bottom drunk and fortunately I have not had to hit some of the bottoms the rest of have hit and for that I am grateful. I hit more of an emotional bottom, I hated the way I felt about myself after drinking. I was filled with remorse and tons of guilt. I too was not physically dependent upon alcohol. I don't know if you are an alcoholic only you can answer that for yourself but one thing that i have decided for myself recently is it doesnt matter because the one thing i know for sure is that I dont like the person that I become when i put alcohol into my body and i certainly don't like the way that I feel about myself. So with all of that being said I wish you the best of luck! Hope it helps you because your post certainly helped me
Thank you
Lauren
Thank you
Lauren
Future Philanthropist
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 233
Originally Posted by tommy79
Initially it always feels exciting and great; but it NEVER EVER EVER freaking lasts. So whenever I decide to stop, no matter how it feels (often like a grand epiphany), the only certainty is that I'm going to fail. How the hell does someone with these feelings make any kind of genuine breakthrough?
I spent years digging this hole of self doubt, and really the thing that brought me out of it was a little bit of success. Made it almost a week the first billion times, but once I got over that hump of feeling like I accomplished *something* by going a week, then I was a lot more confident and on my way. So my failures outnumbered my successes 1,000,000,000 to 1... that 1 is really what's keeping me going only a few weeks in.
As long as you're alive there's always hope. Drop a PM anytime, I'm what they like to call high-bottom drunk as well and hit the same emotional bottom, so I'm thinking we have a lot in common.
- Greg
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: living in recovery
Posts: 75
Tommy you don't have to make a commitment to stop drinking for the rest of your life...just for one day (at a time). To say you would never drink for the rest of your life is just too big an ask but we can do something for 1 day.
Sometimes I did it for 1 hour at a time. I told myself if I still felt that way in 1 hour I would take a drink.....well after the hour was up I thought, OK I got through that OK so I'll try another hour.
Those hours and days turn into years. Even if you have to tell yourself that you will not drink for this one day but tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow you make the decision again not to drink for that one day and so it goes on.
It does get easier with time and then you wake up one morning and realise that for the whole of yesterday you did not even think of having a drink.
Sometimes I did it for 1 hour at a time. I told myself if I still felt that way in 1 hour I would take a drink.....well after the hour was up I thought, OK I got through that OK so I'll try another hour.
Those hours and days turn into years. Even if you have to tell yourself that you will not drink for this one day but tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow you make the decision again not to drink for that one day and so it goes on.
It does get easier with time and then you wake up one morning and realise that for the whole of yesterday you did not even think of having a drink.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Hi Tommy,
My hobby is exercising and weight lifting. I love it. I love the personal challenge involved, the way I feel and the way I look. I got hold of some equipment and put in my basement. My wife and daughter fixed up the room with slogans on the wall and their special little touches. Didn't work!! I tried working out by myself and just didn't work. I couldn't get motivated. So, I joined a gym. That works!! I get up every morning at 0400, shower, eat breakfast and am out the door at 0500 to workout at 0530. Whole different atmosphere. People there, laughing, talking, joking around, but everyone there for the same reason.
I don't know how many times I swore off drinking, making that promise to myself and whoever would listen that "I'll never do that again." Never worked!! I always felt alone, living with all the inner garbage that had accumulated over the years. Being inside me was like being in that basement. I just wasn't motivated and didn't know how to motivate myself. I didn't have the skills. So, I went to AA. There were people there, laughing, talking, joking around, but everyone was there for the same reason. Today, not only do I feel good about the way I look outside, but I feel even better about the way I look inside. It works!!
My hobby is exercising and weight lifting. I love it. I love the personal challenge involved, the way I feel and the way I look. I got hold of some equipment and put in my basement. My wife and daughter fixed up the room with slogans on the wall and their special little touches. Didn't work!! I tried working out by myself and just didn't work. I couldn't get motivated. So, I joined a gym. That works!! I get up every morning at 0400, shower, eat breakfast and am out the door at 0500 to workout at 0530. Whole different atmosphere. People there, laughing, talking, joking around, but everyone there for the same reason.
I don't know how many times I swore off drinking, making that promise to myself and whoever would listen that "I'll never do that again." Never worked!! I always felt alone, living with all the inner garbage that had accumulated over the years. Being inside me was like being in that basement. I just wasn't motivated and didn't know how to motivate myself. I didn't have the skills. So, I went to AA. There were people there, laughing, talking, joking around, but everyone was there for the same reason. Today, not only do I feel good about the way I look outside, but I feel even better about the way I look inside. It works!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 410
I am doing the day thing myself, and at times when temptation strikes, I do the hour thing. During that hour, I find something to do.. anything to do.
One thing that stands out in your post is a self admittance that you just can't do it. You never could and you know you never can. A big part of quitting is knowing that you can do it. And knowing that if you make a mistake, it doesn't make you a failure. Feeling guilt or sadness over a small mistake leads to bigger mistakes.
So start fresh, and take it one step at a time.
Hang in there,
Aaron
One thing that stands out in your post is a self admittance that you just can't do it. You never could and you know you never can. A big part of quitting is knowing that you can do it. And knowing that if you make a mistake, it doesn't make you a failure. Feeling guilt or sadness over a small mistake leads to bigger mistakes.
So start fresh, and take it one step at a time.
Hang in there,
Aaron
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
It's weakness... not strength that binds us to each other... and helps us to do what we could never do alone...
Trying to depend on our own unsteady willpower...
We are like puppets...
Until we see the reality of our disease in the faces and lives of others... how they cope.. and what it looks like when they go back out..
We are prisoners of our own thoughts...
So.. we have to change what we think...
It's the old question...
What came first...
the addiction or the stinkin thinkin... ?
And... Addiction loves isolation... so..
Praying for clarity of thought for you.
Trying to depend on our own unsteady willpower...
We are like puppets...
Until we see the reality of our disease in the faces and lives of others... how they cope.. and what it looks like when they go back out..
We are prisoners of our own thoughts...
So.. we have to change what we think...
It's the old question...
What came first...
the addiction or the stinkin thinkin... ?
And... Addiction loves isolation... so..
Praying for clarity of thought for you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: London
Posts: 501
Is there any hope? Of course - infinite hope.
But hope needs direction for it to be realised. Like they say in AA 'Faith without works is dead'.
To me I could not stop drinking. The day I stopped was the day I said: I have no control over this thing and never will. I stopped lying to myself.
Type into google 'alcaholic denial'.
But hope needs direction for it to be realised. Like they say in AA 'Faith without works is dead'.
To me I could not stop drinking. The day I stopped was the day I said: I have no control over this thing and never will. I stopped lying to myself.
Type into google 'alcaholic denial'.
learning
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Where I need to be
Posts: 310
Hey tommy79 
,
I think that there are two consistent things about lapses:
1. when they are over, you can't change them, so what you do today is what matters.
2. Something can be learned from a lapse.
This was posted by Don S some time ago:
Be kind to yourself and everyone is capable of making a change.
It is up to you.
,I think that there are two consistent things about lapses:
1. when they are over, you can't change them, so what you do today is what matters.
2. Something can be learned from a lapse.
This was posted by Don S some time ago:
So you've had a 'lapse'… now what?
Start by taking care of your body and mind for a day or so.
Don't beat yourself up, but don't minimize what you did either. For some reason you chose to do something that you rationally know is unhealthy for you. Somehow you overruled or ignored your conscious awareness that the costs of drinking outweigh any possible benefits, that you are an unlikely person to drink moderately based on your past behavior.
You've reopened some behavioral pathways in your brain that had begun to fade into distant memory. So for a little while urges are likely to be strong again, and your self-image is a little shot so your refusal skills (that's really what we're learning when we quit drinking) are going to be weaker than they were.
I'd suggest doing something every day to reinforce your commitment to abstinence. This is an opportunity to review what was going on when the 'lapse' started. And it's an important time to plan for future situations like the one you just went through.
So…
Ask yourself some questions.
What were you thinking? No, I don't mean this the way your mother used to say it to you. I mean, what were you thinking during the moment when you started the process? Your thoughts and beliefs at the moment of decision: at the store, at the café with your friends….
What were you feeling?Look carefully at the difference between thoughts and feelings. One is rational, the other emotional. Both lead to drinking. We can learn to counter the thoughts, and we can learn to manage the emotions. Were you feeling stressed? Anxious? Dejected? Angry? Giddy?
By the way, how are you feeling now? Be careful about rating yourself, about secondary upset (being upset about being upset), and watch out for that 'I give up…might as well' thought process. You are not your behavior. SMART Recovery concept: USA (unconditional self-acceptance). And, if people around you seem to lead to anger and frustration, and thence to drinking: UOA (unconditional 'other' acceptance). Need a link to articles about USA and UOA?
What were you doing and where were you doing it? (You can ask this in your best Jack Webb imitation voice.) There's a psychological part of the process; we'll get to that in a moment. But there's a physical part, too. People who quit drinking usually don't have alcohol in the house, don't buy it for any reason, don't go where it's being served until they have considerable confidence in their refusal skills.
What did you do? I mean specifically: what was the behavior? 'I got mad so I went to the store and bought some wine'. Try not to describe yourself as a loser, as a failure, as lacking in character. Be accurate and describe the behavior. See if you can do it while avoiding 'good, bad, shouldn't, can't, always, never…' That can be difficult, eh? But it's the behavior -- not you -- that's the problem. 'I chose to drink, I have difficulty stopping when I start, and drinking is unhealthy behavior for me'.
What are you going to do next time? Look at the activating event, or the moment when your decision-making process tipped over in favor of drinking. That's the mood, the belief, and the thinking you'll want to plan for. SMART Recovery tool: do an ABC on the activating event (A) and the belief (B) that you were acting on which led to the condition (C) you found yourself in when you chose to drink. Then dispute (D) the belief, and try to get to an effective (E) new condition. Need a link to an ABC article?
What are you going to do now?Were those benefits real? SMART Recovery tool: try updating your CBA (cost-benefit analysis)--you've got some 'costs' of drinking fresh in your mind! Write them down on a little piece of paper and keep it handy. But focus for a few minutes on the 'benefits' part: not the benefits of quitting, but what you thought the benefits of drinking would be.
Don't be afraid of your answer: we usually had reasons for drinking. If the benefits weren't real, describe clearly how they weren't and write it down. Remind yourself each day of how your perception was distorted or unrealistic. But if there were real benefits from drinking (it relaxed your mind, reduced your stress temporarily, etc.) acknowledge those benefits. Then start some goal planning: find ways to achieve those same benefits without alcohol.
SMART Recovery tool and concept: disputing irrational beliefs, and recognizing when a belief is irrational (unhealthy, maladaptive).
What are you going to do next time?(courtesy of DonS) Have your own mantra or slogan handy, and repeat it often. 'There will be no alcohol in my house or in my body' worked for me. What's yours? Do some role playing about future situations, and have in mind how you'll react, what you'll say, when you'll leave, what you'll do, who's going to help you. Be specific. 'I get a ginger ale immediately on arriving, and ___ and I leave after 45 minutes or as soon as one of us feels uncomfortable.'
You're not starting over. You just need to practice the tools for refusing alcohol more often: be persistent.
And don't hesitate to reach out for support. Too many people stay away from forums at the time they'd make the best use of them, because they're embarrassed to admit a mistake. These forums would be a pretty boring place if only the sober people posted.
Your experience can be helpful--far more helpful than you can imagine--to the others reading, the others too upset or afraid or embarrassed to step out ask for help. Your story is their story and our story.
Change is possible!
Start by taking care of your body and mind for a day or so.
Don't beat yourself up, but don't minimize what you did either. For some reason you chose to do something that you rationally know is unhealthy for you. Somehow you overruled or ignored your conscious awareness that the costs of drinking outweigh any possible benefits, that you are an unlikely person to drink moderately based on your past behavior.
You've reopened some behavioral pathways in your brain that had begun to fade into distant memory. So for a little while urges are likely to be strong again, and your self-image is a little shot so your refusal skills (that's really what we're learning when we quit drinking) are going to be weaker than they were.
I'd suggest doing something every day to reinforce your commitment to abstinence. This is an opportunity to review what was going on when the 'lapse' started. And it's an important time to plan for future situations like the one you just went through.
So…
Ask yourself some questions.
What were you thinking? No, I don't mean this the way your mother used to say it to you. I mean, what were you thinking during the moment when you started the process? Your thoughts and beliefs at the moment of decision: at the store, at the café with your friends….
What were you feeling?Look carefully at the difference between thoughts and feelings. One is rational, the other emotional. Both lead to drinking. We can learn to counter the thoughts, and we can learn to manage the emotions. Were you feeling stressed? Anxious? Dejected? Angry? Giddy?
By the way, how are you feeling now? Be careful about rating yourself, about secondary upset (being upset about being upset), and watch out for that 'I give up…might as well' thought process. You are not your behavior. SMART Recovery concept: USA (unconditional self-acceptance). And, if people around you seem to lead to anger and frustration, and thence to drinking: UOA (unconditional 'other' acceptance). Need a link to articles about USA and UOA?
What were you doing and where were you doing it? (You can ask this in your best Jack Webb imitation voice.) There's a psychological part of the process; we'll get to that in a moment. But there's a physical part, too. People who quit drinking usually don't have alcohol in the house, don't buy it for any reason, don't go where it's being served until they have considerable confidence in their refusal skills.
What did you do? I mean specifically: what was the behavior? 'I got mad so I went to the store and bought some wine'. Try not to describe yourself as a loser, as a failure, as lacking in character. Be accurate and describe the behavior. See if you can do it while avoiding 'good, bad, shouldn't, can't, always, never…' That can be difficult, eh? But it's the behavior -- not you -- that's the problem. 'I chose to drink, I have difficulty stopping when I start, and drinking is unhealthy behavior for me'.
What are you going to do next time? Look at the activating event, or the moment when your decision-making process tipped over in favor of drinking. That's the mood, the belief, and the thinking you'll want to plan for. SMART Recovery tool: do an ABC on the activating event (A) and the belief (B) that you were acting on which led to the condition (C) you found yourself in when you chose to drink. Then dispute (D) the belief, and try to get to an effective (E) new condition. Need a link to an ABC article?
What are you going to do now?Were those benefits real? SMART Recovery tool: try updating your CBA (cost-benefit analysis)--you've got some 'costs' of drinking fresh in your mind! Write them down on a little piece of paper and keep it handy. But focus for a few minutes on the 'benefits' part: not the benefits of quitting, but what you thought the benefits of drinking would be.
Don't be afraid of your answer: we usually had reasons for drinking. If the benefits weren't real, describe clearly how they weren't and write it down. Remind yourself each day of how your perception was distorted or unrealistic. But if there were real benefits from drinking (it relaxed your mind, reduced your stress temporarily, etc.) acknowledge those benefits. Then start some goal planning: find ways to achieve those same benefits without alcohol.
SMART Recovery tool and concept: disputing irrational beliefs, and recognizing when a belief is irrational (unhealthy, maladaptive).
What are you going to do next time?(courtesy of DonS) Have your own mantra or slogan handy, and repeat it often. 'There will be no alcohol in my house or in my body' worked for me. What's yours? Do some role playing about future situations, and have in mind how you'll react, what you'll say, when you'll leave, what you'll do, who's going to help you. Be specific. 'I get a ginger ale immediately on arriving, and ___ and I leave after 45 minutes or as soon as one of us feels uncomfortable.'
You're not starting over. You just need to practice the tools for refusing alcohol more often: be persistent.
And don't hesitate to reach out for support. Too many people stay away from forums at the time they'd make the best use of them, because they're embarrassed to admit a mistake. These forums would be a pretty boring place if only the sober people posted.
Your experience can be helpful--far more helpful than you can imagine--to the others reading, the others too upset or afraid or embarrassed to step out ask for help. Your story is their story and our story.
Change is possible!
Be kind to yourself and everyone is capable of making a change.
It is up to you.
Just A Diva With A Purpose
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 297
Richard Pryor once said: "You can run real fast when your ass is on fire." Let your pain motivate you to make the decision to act your way into better thinking. Step one of AA breaks it down--We're powerless/our life is screwed up--get back to an AA meeting and try to listen with an open mind. When you hit bottom the only way to go is up...Because we are "powerless" over alcohol we have to find a source of power to give us the needed strength -- I have connected with the power as a result of working the 12 steps of recovery--and know it works--willingness,openmindedness,honesty--give it a shot. Keep us posted. Blessed Be
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Originally Posted by tommy79
, the only certainty is that I'm going to fail.
We find ways, people like you and I. I swear we do.
I only quoted one sentence from your post Tommy, but all of it, and then some, reminds me of the fear. Step over the fear, and do it. You will love yourself for doing it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Kingston, NY
Posts: 390
Tommy -
This is a great thread... thank you for starting it! There is hope. You can do this. Don, as quoted by Bartender129, really hits home with me. And, each time you *do* stop yourself from picking up that drink, you really are adding to your armor, to your mental defenses. It seems most important to understand in your heart that a relapse is not the end. You are not starting from zero, you are simply standing up again, humbler and sadder maybe, but you have each new day to begin anew - each new *moment* to begin anew, for that matter. Do reach out for help. Do make a plan - DO answer all those questions that Don asks. You can do this. We can all do this together.
wishing you strength and *hope*,
anne
This is a great thread... thank you for starting it! There is hope. You can do this. Don, as quoted by Bartender129, really hits home with me. And, each time you *do* stop yourself from picking up that drink, you really are adding to your armor, to your mental defenses. It seems most important to understand in your heart that a relapse is not the end. You are not starting from zero, you are simply standing up again, humbler and sadder maybe, but you have each new day to begin anew - each new *moment* to begin anew, for that matter. Do reach out for help. Do make a plan - DO answer all those questions that Don asks. You can do this. We can all do this together.
wishing you strength and *hope*,
anne
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,432
Hi, Tommy,
Once you believe change is possible....it becomes possible.
I agree with Carol that talking to someone about depression could be helpful. I also think you're beating yourself up mentally. Take some time and talk to us about why you believe so many absolute things about your ability to stop drinking. Perhaps you could focus on what you are doing and thinking and feeling at the time(s) you choose to drink again. You know how to stop. Now we need to work together to develop the tools so you know how to stay stopped.
Take care, and please keep posting,
Don S
Once you believe change is possible....it becomes possible.
I agree with Carol that talking to someone about depression could be helpful. I also think you're beating yourself up mentally. Take some time and talk to us about why you believe so many absolute things about your ability to stop drinking. Perhaps you could focus on what you are doing and thinking and feeling at the time(s) you choose to drink again. You know how to stop. Now we need to work together to develop the tools so you know how to stay stopped.
Take care, and please keep posting,
Don S
I bite.
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: USA
Posts: 498
Originally Posted by tommy79
...the only thing I know is that it won't work because I'm too weak/variable/inconsistent.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: London UK
Posts: 59
Whew! As ever I'm amazed by this place. Thanks for all your replies, I can't possibly reply to every one but I got something from all of them.
I'm going to take Don S's suggestion and really try to write about why I feel the way I do. Yes, depression is a big part of it. Most people with developing or serious alcohol habits are likely to be unhappy of course, but I think you're right that I am having some sort of more serious depression also right now. The bottom that's dropped out of my world recently is that I haven't been able to bring myself to care about the alcoholism. I've changed from being an alcoholic in denial to an alcoholic who is simply drinking because he doesn't know what else to do. It's all tied up with other issues in my life too, I'm generally unmotivated and not getting much stimulation - I'm tending to sleep in a lot, watch a lot of TV, look up crap on the internet. So the alcohol is on the surface only one part of a general malaise, but I'm in no doubt that it's the route cause of the depression and has generally weakened my ability to deal with life. The question is, how do I get out of this latest rut?
Firstly I need to convince myself that not drinking will make the depression lift, or at least make it more bearable. Right now there's no positive incentive to stop drinking as I can't visualise myself as happy; mind you I suppose logically there shouldn't be much incentive to drink either, as that doesn't make me happy, even when I'm drunk, anymore. So I just have to be rational and say to myself firmly that not drinking will mean the buzz of being alive and doing stuff will seep back in. (If it doesn't then at least I'll be in a sober state and able to deal with it, with counselling, etc.)
Secondly - as Don S says, why do I go back to drinking after a decision to quit? Well I suppose recently the depression has been clouding my ability to really make a firm decision (this is all a bit of a Catch-22...) and I've felt like I'm just sleep-walking through most areas of my life, decisions to stop drinking just being part of it. A big aspect of this is self-esteem. I can't believe how far I've let myself slip - 'I'm' not really like this, surely? I'm not lazy, dishonest, nihilistic, purposeless...and yet at the moment I clearly am. What are the conventional strategies of rebuilding self-esteem in these situations? How can I soberly square the way I've been with being a 'good' person? Clearly I'm not. Or am I, if I do change? This is a big deal for me I think, self-perception. If I feel good about and, basically, love myself, then I'll feel it's more of a travesty to allow mysefl to behave badly.
Finally - the last decision to drink? What went through my mind? It was yesterday at approx. 4.30pm and I thought 'sod it'. Nothing more, nothing less. The point was I was feeling miserable from having had such a lazy, crap day and getting out of it again was the only way to deal with that sense of creeping fear (of an evening without booze) and boredom. I don't know how many of you can identify with this, but there is a kind of rush at the point when you make the decision to drink which is intoxicating itself. To give into that feeling felt good at the time. Thoughts did flash through my head ('if I give in this time then I'm done for sure, I'll be a gutter alkie', as I had felt I'd made a strong decision 2 days before that); but I wasn't really in a state to debate these points. Hence 2 bottles of wine.
Anyway, sober tonight and enjoying being back on these boards. Millions of conflicting thoughts in my head and, to be totally honest, I still don't feel remotely ready to commit to total sobriety despite my recognition of alcoholism. Thoughts welcome as ever.
thanks again everyone
Tommy
I'm going to take Don S's suggestion and really try to write about why I feel the way I do. Yes, depression is a big part of it. Most people with developing or serious alcohol habits are likely to be unhappy of course, but I think you're right that I am having some sort of more serious depression also right now. The bottom that's dropped out of my world recently is that I haven't been able to bring myself to care about the alcoholism. I've changed from being an alcoholic in denial to an alcoholic who is simply drinking because he doesn't know what else to do. It's all tied up with other issues in my life too, I'm generally unmotivated and not getting much stimulation - I'm tending to sleep in a lot, watch a lot of TV, look up crap on the internet. So the alcohol is on the surface only one part of a general malaise, but I'm in no doubt that it's the route cause of the depression and has generally weakened my ability to deal with life. The question is, how do I get out of this latest rut?
Firstly I need to convince myself that not drinking will make the depression lift, or at least make it more bearable. Right now there's no positive incentive to stop drinking as I can't visualise myself as happy; mind you I suppose logically there shouldn't be much incentive to drink either, as that doesn't make me happy, even when I'm drunk, anymore. So I just have to be rational and say to myself firmly that not drinking will mean the buzz of being alive and doing stuff will seep back in. (If it doesn't then at least I'll be in a sober state and able to deal with it, with counselling, etc.)
Secondly - as Don S says, why do I go back to drinking after a decision to quit? Well I suppose recently the depression has been clouding my ability to really make a firm decision (this is all a bit of a Catch-22...) and I've felt like I'm just sleep-walking through most areas of my life, decisions to stop drinking just being part of it. A big aspect of this is self-esteem. I can't believe how far I've let myself slip - 'I'm' not really like this, surely? I'm not lazy, dishonest, nihilistic, purposeless...and yet at the moment I clearly am. What are the conventional strategies of rebuilding self-esteem in these situations? How can I soberly square the way I've been with being a 'good' person? Clearly I'm not. Or am I, if I do change? This is a big deal for me I think, self-perception. If I feel good about and, basically, love myself, then I'll feel it's more of a travesty to allow mysefl to behave badly.
Finally - the last decision to drink? What went through my mind? It was yesterday at approx. 4.30pm and I thought 'sod it'. Nothing more, nothing less. The point was I was feeling miserable from having had such a lazy, crap day and getting out of it again was the only way to deal with that sense of creeping fear (of an evening without booze) and boredom. I don't know how many of you can identify with this, but there is a kind of rush at the point when you make the decision to drink which is intoxicating itself. To give into that feeling felt good at the time. Thoughts did flash through my head ('if I give in this time then I'm done for sure, I'll be a gutter alkie', as I had felt I'd made a strong decision 2 days before that); but I wasn't really in a state to debate these points. Hence 2 bottles of wine.
Anyway, sober tonight and enjoying being back on these boards. Millions of conflicting thoughts in my head and, to be totally honest, I still don't feel remotely ready to commit to total sobriety despite my recognition of alcoholism. Thoughts welcome as ever.
thanks again everyone
Tommy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: London UK
Posts: 59
Quickie follow-up: night 2 of sobriety. Feelin' OK! Actually felt really good this evening, I'm a pianist and had an excellent practice session. I'm going to try and post here as often as I can, I've found this thread (and others) really helpful.
cheers
tommy
cheers
tommy
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Well...
Tommy...the reasom I mentioned depression is because you sounded as I did at the end of my drinking.
Depression is why I started recovery. Mine was 'situational depression'. It lifted when I was about 2/3 months sober. It has never returned.
My life is full of joy and purpose.
Depression is why I started recovery. Mine was 'situational depression'. It lifted when I was about 2/3 months sober. It has never returned.
My life is full of joy and purpose.
9:40 5K
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: yellow brick road
Posts: 85
Hi Tommy,
Maybe this will help with your self-esteem. I think you are a thoughtful, articulate person. Really good post.
In my limited experience, I can only offer advice to keep trying. I came here in January and was on and off for 4 months. The only decision I'd made was to try not drinking. Sometimes I didn't really work at it that hard.. I just went with the flow. Honestly I wasn't convinced I wanted to quit. Then at some point something clicked, and now I'm at almost 7 weeks sober (after not even going 3 days for 18 years). Some ducks just lined up at some point. And here I am. I'm still not convinced I've had my last drink, but I sure do like where I am right now.
Just keep trying. You know what the "usual" will get you. Try the unknown.
Maybe this will help with your self-esteem. I think you are a thoughtful, articulate person. Really good post.
In my limited experience, I can only offer advice to keep trying. I came here in January and was on and off for 4 months. The only decision I'd made was to try not drinking. Sometimes I didn't really work at it that hard.. I just went with the flow. Honestly I wasn't convinced I wanted to quit. Then at some point something clicked, and now I'm at almost 7 weeks sober (after not even going 3 days for 18 years). Some ducks just lined up at some point. And here I am. I'm still not convinced I've had my last drink, but I sure do like where I am right now.
Just keep trying. You know what the "usual" will get you. Try the unknown.
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