Cindi

I am looking for advice as to how to deal with Family members after you are sober. I was a very functioning "drunk" my family had no idea of the extent of my problem-in fact I worked in the medical field. I went into the hospital and almost died b/c of drinking. I have an extremely judgemental older sister (she has had 2 DUI's-so I think she may have had her own problems with the junk) but she had 2 children and has quit drinking for the most part. She however, will not let me live down my past-I am so ashamed of what she has told relatives I refuse to go to our annual Family Picnic in July. I live 10 minutes away from her but she never lets me see my niece or nephew-I have NEVER been drunk in front of them. Both of our Parents had drinking problems and she seems to want me to wallow in the whole damn problem without any help. She seems to be enjoying my demise. I just miss my niece and nephew and I'm about to give up and go on with my life without them. But..it hurts!

Anna

Hi Cindi,

It sounds like your sister has issues and may be overreacting to the situation. She has had 2 DUI's and has 'sort of' stopped drinking. Maybe she is afraid of getting caught up in alcohol again, or admitting the extent of her problem. It does sound, in my opinion, like she is being unfair to you. Clearly spreading stories about you is not going to help the situation.

This may end up being a situation where you do not have any control. If that's the case then all you can do is accept it. There are two things I would say to you:

Have you told your sister how she is hurting you and how you are now sober?

I understand you not wanting to go to your Family Picnic, but maybe showing up sober and smiling, could show your family that your sister was wrong.

Love, Anna

Cindi

Anna,

It's too late for the whole Family Picnic thing because almost all of my Family lives in Illinois (so it would take more planning in regards of work and travel, etc than I have time for) and I live in Florida-that's why it was important for me to have her support (she lives here).
She sat in the Hospital and listened to the Dr. explain how much family support I would need (and nodded and acted like she understood). When I got home after 2 weeks in the hospital one of the first people I called was my sister and she just let me have it. I knew I had screwed up but I was trying to make it right. She also called my Fiances Parents because they were making plans to come down here from Hilton Head Island after they heard I was hospitalized (they didn't know all the details) but she took it upon herself to tell them-that was my place to do!.

I call her and just try to talk about things (work, friends, kids, etc) and then she tells our Mother she can't understand why I even bother to call her-she is my sister-why wouldn't I?

lulu70

Hey Cindi--Sounds like a really tough situation. Thing is, you can't change anyone else, not even your sister. All you can do is change your reaction to them. It really sounds like your sister has some issues. Perhaps there is something going on with her that even you don't know about? Anyway, I know these issues can be hard. All you can do right now is concentrate on you and your recovery. Are you still drinking? If not, kudos to you, and keep going one day at a time. If you haven't already, I would also suggest finding some kind of face-to-face support group (I go to AA) where you can make friends who can talk to you and understand where you are coming from.

Hang in there. Sometimes it takes the ones that care about us the most to ve able to forgive us and move on.

Hugs--

Cindi

I am not drinking but I am deathly afraid of relapse b/c of the way my Sister makes me feel. We grew up in a severly dysfunctional home and I thought the one constant would be my 2 sisters. My younger sister lives in Chicago so she really isn't a support system although she shows more support than the sister who lives here. But it wasn't always that way. I feel like a failure.