Been On A Bender
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Drunk City, USA
Posts: 77
Been On A Bender
I was doing very well but a friend came over for dinner this past weekend and I drank quite a bit of wine that night. Then I chose to drink the next day and the next. So essentially I've been on a week long bender. I start drinking as soon as I get up and drink until I can't stay awake anymore then I nap and then start over again -- I can repeat this pattern several times in one day. It's been at least 3 days since I showered. I honestly smell bad. I've driven drunk to the grocery store this past week to buy more wine.
I don't know why this is my pattern but it is. I can stay sober for several weeks and then I find an excuse to drink and keep on drinking for weeks. *sigh* I'm back to checking my sent folder in my email to see if I emailed something stupid and I have to check my cell phone to see who I've called recently. I hate the shame I feel but I know the shame doesn't solve anything and if I choose to drink today I will just continue to feel shame.
I am not going to drink today. I am going to shower, brush my teeth and eat a real meal and probably be on here a lot. I also need to sleep more -- my sleep patterns always get really screwed up when I am drinking. I have a lot of wine bottles to take to the trash. There is no alcohol in my house right now and I plan on keeping it that way today. One day at a time...........
I don't know why this is my pattern but it is. I can stay sober for several weeks and then I find an excuse to drink and keep on drinking for weeks. *sigh* I'm back to checking my sent folder in my email to see if I emailed something stupid and I have to check my cell phone to see who I've called recently. I hate the shame I feel but I know the shame doesn't solve anything and if I choose to drink today I will just continue to feel shame.
I am not going to drink today. I am going to shower, brush my teeth and eat a real meal and probably be on here a lot. I also need to sleep more -- my sleep patterns always get really screwed up when I am drinking. I have a lot of wine bottles to take to the trash. There is no alcohol in my house right now and I plan on keeping it that way today. One day at a time...........
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Washington
Posts: 5,093
Yep, sounds familiar. I would do the same thing. The difference being, I wouldn't stop for several weeks. It was never ending. Insanity, it was a living hell. Why don't we just stop? We can't do it on our own. I couldn't and it sounds like you can't. Do you work a recovery program? It works if you really try. It doesn't have to be that way. Life can be good. Make the difference, make the changes you need to make a sober life.
Miss Behavin'
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: regina,saskatchewan
Posts: 966
Good Morning!!!
glad you made it back before it killed you!!!
"I don't know why this is my pattern but it is. I can stay sober for several weeks and then I find an excuse to drink and keep on drinking for weeks."
ok...this used to be your pattern
stop telling yourself it's your pattern, stop telling yourself thet you find an excuse, i think this in itself is just setting you for your next fall. It's giving yourself permission to fall.
Its a new day, you're worth the fight!!
Don't beat yoruself up for it, learn from it.
Be nice to yourself today, treat yourself with love, care and understanding.
Hugs& hugs, Wendy
glad you made it back before it killed you!!!
"I don't know why this is my pattern but it is. I can stay sober for several weeks and then I find an excuse to drink and keep on drinking for weeks."
ok...this used to be your pattern
stop telling yourself it's your pattern, stop telling yourself thet you find an excuse, i think this in itself is just setting you for your next fall. It's giving yourself permission to fall.Its a new day, you're worth the fight!!
Don't beat yoruself up for it, learn from it.
Be nice to yourself today, treat yourself with love, care and understanding.
Hugs& hugs, Wendy
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: NYC, NY
Posts: 193
Sending lots of strength to you!!
Yes...a day at a time.,etc..But, I had to break a similar pattern by setting that 90 day goal. I used many tools from different programs including AA. But, breaking that seemingly unbreakable pattern the first time has mad a ton of difference as to how I perceive this struggle. I do need small and achievable goals in my sobriety. Seems like you could define one based on your "pattern." You will be free of that obstacle forever.
Best wishes to you.
Yes...a day at a time.,etc..But, I had to break a similar pattern by setting that 90 day goal. I used many tools from different programs including AA. But, breaking that seemingly unbreakable pattern the first time has mad a ton of difference as to how I perceive this struggle. I do need small and achievable goals in my sobriety. Seems like you could define one based on your "pattern." You will be free of that obstacle forever.
Best wishes to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Drunk City, USA
Posts: 77
Thank you everyone. Right now I'm having extreme anxiety. I'm going over the events of the last week and I'm very embarrassed. I think there's a grocery store that I'm going to be too embarrassed to go back to. 
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Those damn guilties aye! It helps if you have another sober friend to talk to, if not write! Write a lot, WTF, she wants me to write? Yes, write, putting the emotions to paper is very cathartic, some of your guilt, and shame will be deminished. You will feel so much better once you get through the tears. I'm glad you made it back! We'll be here for you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Plymouth, MN
Posts: 960
My thoughts are with you. Don't dwell on the shame and embarrassment, it will only make you want to hide in that bottle all the more. I'm glad that you have picked yourself off, dusted (showered) yourself off, and you are moving ahead. So what if you have to avoid that grocery store for a while. Hold your head high and know you are worth sobriety.
Kathy
Kathy
Not the center of the Universe
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Orchard Lake, Michigan
Posts: 974
Hey FunWhenDrunk, glad you made it back.
I can answer this one for you with some authority. The answer goes like this:
One Love, One Heart, Jah Bless
Tony
Originally Posted by FunWhenDrunk
I don't know why this is my pattern but it is. I can stay sober for several weeks and then I find an excuse to drink and keep on drinking for weeks. *sigh*
One is too many and one thousand is never enough.
Accept this answer and you will be better off. Or continue to try to prove otherwise and who knows where you will end up? Oh wait, I've heard an answer to that question too. It goes "Jails, Institutions and Death."One Love, One Heart, Jah Bless
Tony
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Drunk City, USA
Posts: 77
Originally Posted by Chy
Those damn guilties aye! It helps if you have another sober friend to talk to, if not write! Write a lot, WTF, she wants me to write? Yes, write, putting the emotions to paper is very cathartic, some of your guilt, and shame will be deminished. You will feel so much better once you get through the tears. I'm glad you made it back! We'll be here for you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Beaver, WA
Posts: 1,346
((((((((FunWhenDrunk))))))))))
When it got to the point that I was no longer having FunWhenDrunk, I needed to find a way to "stay stopped". I had quit several times. Sometimes three or four times in just one day.
The best relief that was suggested to me was entire abstinence. Some caring people told me that I may have lost the power of choice in drink. My own drinking history showed this to be true. Once I accepted that fact, things were not always easy, but living became a whole lot more simple.
Looking back on it, I'm so grateful to have eventually found a design for living that really works, even in rough going. I was shown a way to stay stopped, but it has been so much more than just that.
I sincerely hope you find a path that works for you personally and that you find it before its too late.
((((((((FunWhenDrunk)))))))))
Kiss Heart of Spirit
In Love & Service,
3 Legacy
When it got to the point that I was no longer having FunWhenDrunk, I needed to find a way to "stay stopped". I had quit several times. Sometimes three or four times in just one day.
The best relief that was suggested to me was entire abstinence. Some caring people told me that I may have lost the power of choice in drink. My own drinking history showed this to be true. Once I accepted that fact, things were not always easy, but living became a whole lot more simple.
Looking back on it, I'm so grateful to have eventually found a design for living that really works, even in rough going. I was shown a way to stay stopped, but it has been so much more than just that.
I sincerely hope you find a path that works for you personally and that you find it before its too late.
((((((((FunWhenDrunk)))))))))
Kiss Heart of Spirit
In Love & Service,
3 Legacy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Arizona
Posts: 872
I have to ask...
"FunWhenDrunk" -- are you having fun yet?
It wasn't fun when I was out there. It sucked. I shock the people I think today at the grocery store, b/c it used to be that every time -- EVERY time -- I checked out I had a 12 pack of Bud. I'd run out and go back for more. Or send my wife. Or ride my bike drunk to the Circle K. What a great existence!
For me my bottom came when I decided to stop digging. There comes a point when enough is enough, and it doesn't sound like you're there yet. Don't know if you have tried AA, but the first step is admitting your are powerless over alcohol (yes, wine counts too) and that your life is unmanageable.... Well, sounds like wine is managing your life right now, huh? Same for me, beer was my king for a long time.... Now I've got a different King and a new way of life thanks to AA....
Keep coming back -- Ken...
It wasn't fun when I was out there. It sucked. I shock the people I think today at the grocery store, b/c it used to be that every time -- EVERY time -- I checked out I had a 12 pack of Bud. I'd run out and go back for more. Or send my wife. Or ride my bike drunk to the Circle K. What a great existence!
For me my bottom came when I decided to stop digging. There comes a point when enough is enough, and it doesn't sound like you're there yet. Don't know if you have tried AA, but the first step is admitting your are powerless over alcohol (yes, wine counts too) and that your life is unmanageable.... Well, sounds like wine is managing your life right now, huh? Same for me, beer was my king for a long time.... Now I've got a different King and a new way of life thanks to AA....
Keep coming back -- Ken...
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
The
pattern is called binge drinking. A big misconception of alcoholism is you must drink daily to suffer from the disease.
AA is where I learned to quit and stay quit.
I do hope you figure your sobriety must be the first
priority.
AA is where I learned to quit and stay quit.
I do hope you figure your sobriety must be the first
priority.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Drunk City, USA
Posts: 77
Okay I'm still hanging in there. At this time yesterday I was already drunk.
And no I'm not having fun anymore. Drinking is no longer fun. The first day of a binge can be kinda fun but then I realize I'm at the grips of this demon again when I can't stop drinking and I'm ignoring every other aspect of my life.
And no I'm not having fun anymore. Drinking is no longer fun. The first day of a binge can be kinda fun but then I realize I'm at the grips of this demon again when I can't stop drinking and I'm ignoring every other aspect of my life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Drunk City, USA
Posts: 77
Originally Posted by NoMoBeer
OMG, Carol -- I was such a big binge drinker. Didn't know how to drink any other way. From college til my 40s..... Yes, I'm an alcoholic!
Ken
Ken
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Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: san francisco, california
Posts: 5
FunWhenDrunk
And here I thought I was alone in the way I was living my life. I would stop for a week or two and feel great and then get bored on a Friday or Saturday and decide to have some beer which led to another and another. That would carry over to the next day, then the next and now a week has passed and I've been drunk everyday while "working" from home. I did exactly the same thing, wake up and drink, pass out in the afternoon, wake up and drink again, pass out till the next morning, repeat. I wouldn't shower for a few days and also drive intoxicated down to the local market to get more. The guy there had to be wondering what the heck I was doing buying 12-packs almost every morning right after he opened. I would buy multiple 12-packs and bottles of vodka or rum at the same time for fear of running out before the day was over. The floor by my fridge was littered with beer boxes until recycling came and I could throw it all out at the same time.
I understand where you are coming from. I've been there and no longer want to experience it either (SOBER DAY #6). It's not worth it, the feelings of remorse, guilt, anxiety, etc. One thing you can't do is dwell on the past and wonder what your actions were while drunk. Unfortunately you can't change the past, you've done things you wish you hadn't, said things you wish you could take back. Keep in mind that a lot of these things are way bigger in your mind than the minds of others. People forget or move on. It's not on their mind like it is on yours. So feel free to leave it behind.
What you CAN DO is move forward. Let your actions from THIS DAY FORWARD define who you are.
mtin (my time is now)
And here I thought I was alone in the way I was living my life. I would stop for a week or two and feel great and then get bored on a Friday or Saturday and decide to have some beer which led to another and another. That would carry over to the next day, then the next and now a week has passed and I've been drunk everyday while "working" from home. I did exactly the same thing, wake up and drink, pass out in the afternoon, wake up and drink again, pass out till the next morning, repeat. I wouldn't shower for a few days and also drive intoxicated down to the local market to get more. The guy there had to be wondering what the heck I was doing buying 12-packs almost every morning right after he opened. I would buy multiple 12-packs and bottles of vodka or rum at the same time for fear of running out before the day was over. The floor by my fridge was littered with beer boxes until recycling came and I could throw it all out at the same time.
I understand where you are coming from. I've been there and no longer want to experience it either (SOBER DAY #6). It's not worth it, the feelings of remorse, guilt, anxiety, etc. One thing you can't do is dwell on the past and wonder what your actions were while drunk. Unfortunately you can't change the past, you've done things you wish you hadn't, said things you wish you could take back. Keep in mind that a lot of these things are way bigger in your mind than the minds of others. People forget or move on. It's not on their mind like it is on yours. So feel free to leave it behind.
What you CAN DO is move forward. Let your actions from THIS DAY FORWARD define who you are.
mtin (my time is now)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Arizona
Posts: 872
FWD--
You have the choice to not live this way. For me, it was getting to AA, and getting to work. There I found people who know how to live sober, which I obviously had no clue on....
Please feel free to PM me if you have any questions.
mtin -- great job, life is a lot better without that crap, no?
I'm sober today by the grace of God and AA, and that is just a wonderful thing....
Ken
You have the choice to not live this way. For me, it was getting to AA, and getting to work. There I found people who know how to live sober, which I obviously had no clue on....
Please feel free to PM me if you have any questions.
mtin -- great job, life is a lot better without that crap, no?
I'm sober today by the grace of God and AA, and that is just a wonderful thing....
Ken
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Drunk City, USA
Posts: 77
What's crazy about this binges is the extremes of them. I am either drinking, not bathing, eating complete crap (if at all) and letting the house turn into a pit or I am sober, working out and eating well (I've managed to lose 20+ pounds this year during my sober times). Just one week ago today my house was spotless, I discovered I had dropped another pant size, I had meals for a week planned and I jogged 2 1/2 miles in the afternoon just because I had so much energy even after an hour long morning workout. Today it took all my energy just to shower and brush my teeth and find clean clothes to put on. It's crazy how the trigger goes off in my head and suddenly nothing matters except drinking. I am more honest with myself now. I know I have a major problem. I know I am an alcoholic. mtin -- your post really spoke to me. I always think I'm the only one who drinks every waking minute, passes out and drinks again. And you're right alcohol is not worth it -- it's not worth the pain and misery I'm putting myself through. I want a sober life that is steady and not filled with these binges.
Michael
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: London England
Posts: 291
Funwhendrunk,
Like everybody else here I am glad you are back and sorting yourself out. Don't worry about what you have done and what shops you have been to, those things are unimportant. What is important is that you take the lessons from the period and transfer you future into a life worth living. The alcohol you drank has given you nothing and what's more it never will give you anything. Alcohol only knows how to take, it takes our pride, our health our dignity and everything else that makes us human. You are better than alcohol, you have a fantastic brain and you can take charge of the demon voices inside your head that beg you to drink. Those voices wilt every time you say no, eventually they wither to nothing and you alone have the power to do that. It may take a few months to kill the voices but it will be worth it.
I wish you every success and hope so much that you succeed.
Best wishes
Michael
Like everybody else here I am glad you are back and sorting yourself out. Don't worry about what you have done and what shops you have been to, those things are unimportant. What is important is that you take the lessons from the period and transfer you future into a life worth living. The alcohol you drank has given you nothing and what's more it never will give you anything. Alcohol only knows how to take, it takes our pride, our health our dignity and everything else that makes us human. You are better than alcohol, you have a fantastic brain and you can take charge of the demon voices inside your head that beg you to drink. Those voices wilt every time you say no, eventually they wither to nothing and you alone have the power to do that. It may take a few months to kill the voices but it will be worth it.
I wish you every success and hope so much that you succeed.
Best wishes
Michael
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