Been On A Bender
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Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: san francisco, california
Posts: 5
FunWhenDrunk
Wow, seriously you and I have gone through the exact same experience. I live the extremes as well. Sober for two weeks, healthy, all my meals planned out, finances in order, working out, and going to work. Then bamn I go camping with friends and I'm back to letting my apartment go to hell, eat whatever is easiest to have delivered, no idea how much money I have or bills I have to pay, and putting on weight right after spending the past year losing 30lbs.
The days after the initial high of drinking wears off and I am just drinking to maintain I'll sit in front of the tv and ask myself "those people get up and go to work everyday without even thinking about alcohol. how do they do it?" It's mind boggling how alcoholism works and how it takes control of the more rational side of the brain that says "what the hell are you doing? stop killing yourself!"
Until I found this board I didn't know there were people experiencing the same things as me. I hope you and I can use this place for support we'll need to get through the tough times.
mtin
Wow, seriously you and I have gone through the exact same experience. I live the extremes as well. Sober for two weeks, healthy, all my meals planned out, finances in order, working out, and going to work. Then bamn I go camping with friends and I'm back to letting my apartment go to hell, eat whatever is easiest to have delivered, no idea how much money I have or bills I have to pay, and putting on weight right after spending the past year losing 30lbs.
The days after the initial high of drinking wears off and I am just drinking to maintain I'll sit in front of the tv and ask myself "those people get up and go to work everyday without even thinking about alcohol. how do they do it?" It's mind boggling how alcoholism works and how it takes control of the more rational side of the brain that says "what the hell are you doing? stop killing yourself!"
Until I found this board I didn't know there were people experiencing the same things as me. I hope you and I can use this place for support we'll need to get through the tough times.
mtin
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Drunk City, USA
Posts: 77
Originally Posted by mtin
FunWhenDrunk
Wow, seriously you and I have gone through the exact same experience. I live the extremes as well. Sober for two weeks, healthy, all my meals planned out, finances in order, working out, and going to work. Then bamn I go camping with friends and I'm back to letting my apartment go to hell, eat whatever is easiest to have delivered, no idea how much money I have or bills I have to pay, and putting on weight right after spending the past year losing 30lbs.
The days after the initial high of drinking wears off and I am just drinking to maintain I'll sit in front of the tv and ask myself "those people get up and go to work everyday without even thinking about alcohol. how do they do it?" It's mind boggling how alcoholism works and how it takes control of the more rational side of the brain that says "what the hell are you doing? stop killing yourself!"
Until I found this board I didn't know there were people experiencing the same things as me. I hope you and I can use this place for support we'll need to get through the tough times.
mtin
Wow, seriously you and I have gone through the exact same experience. I live the extremes as well. Sober for two weeks, healthy, all my meals planned out, finances in order, working out, and going to work. Then bamn I go camping with friends and I'm back to letting my apartment go to hell, eat whatever is easiest to have delivered, no idea how much money I have or bills I have to pay, and putting on weight right after spending the past year losing 30lbs.
The days after the initial high of drinking wears off and I am just drinking to maintain I'll sit in front of the tv and ask myself "those people get up and go to work everyday without even thinking about alcohol. how do they do it?" It's mind boggling how alcoholism works and how it takes control of the more rational side of the brain that says "what the hell are you doing? stop killing yourself!"
Until I found this board I didn't know there were people experiencing the same things as me. I hope you and I can use this place for support we'll need to get through the tough times.
mtin
Wow we really are an awful lot alike!
I envy other people's relationship with alcohol too. Like if I see someone leave a restaurant when they are done eating and they left like half a glass of wine. How can they just leave it? It would make them more drunk so drink it!
Do you become a hermit when on a binge? I find I leave the house very rarely except of course to buy booze. I just like being alone with the alcohol and being able to drink with reckless abandon. When I am on a sober streak I find I enjoy going out more and running errands and getting stuff done in general.
I'm not working now but when I was my job performance was horrid. Eventually I called in sick more and more -- I would make up the lamest lies because going to work seemed too unbearable -- I wanted to be able to drink all day. I thought that was what would make me feel better. Wrong! Then I would have to return to work after a 2 or 3 day absence and be racked with guilt and be embarrassed, etc. and I know my co-workers resented my repeated absences as they had to take up the slack. I lost that job and for good reason. I quickly used up my vacation time and so I wouldn't get paid for my gone days. My paychecks got smaller and smaller and I wouldn't pay important bills or buy as much food so I could buy wine. Isn't it crazy we do this to ourselves? The binges make us feel awful. We get it together and stop drinking and feel great and then we voluntarily return to the misery.
I find this site to be very comforting. It was the very first place that I admitted I am an alcoholic. Reading everyone else's experiences is very helpful to me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Drunk City, USA
Posts: 77
Well it's nighttime for me now. I managed to eat dinner at a "normal" hour rather than the wee hours of the night. I even walked the dogs too -- I so did not want to do that but I forced myself. House has been picked up and now I'm balancing the checkbook -- damage from booze buying is not too bad but probably because this binge was a week as compared to the 3 week one I had before. Anyway, I will be going downstairs to drink herbal tea and maybe watch a movie. Tomorrow will be sober day #2.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Arizona
Posts: 872
Great job, FWD. I'm up at 2:25 AM insomnia -- drank way too much caffeine today. Three diet cokes at dinner and went to see Cinderella Man -- wonderful movie! Hope I can sleep soon. My son will be up early for his birthday and I have a HUGE workout in the morning...
Ken
Ken
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Drunk City, USA
Posts: 77
Morning!
Feel much better, less anxious this morning. Definitely a good thing. I have to shop this morning for tonight's dinner and I decided screw it I'll just go to the stupid grocery store I went to drunk a few times during my binge and get it over with. I'll probably feel relief after I do that. I don't think anything eventful actually happened but I am always so paranoid and full of shame at being drunk in public in the middle of the day I assume everyone there knows the second they lay eyes on me -- maybe they do maybe they don't but I think changing to a different store will just add to my anxiety so I'm not going to do that.
NoMoBeer -- hope you have a great workout this morning. I believe I'll walk the dogs today and maybe do a little pilates or yoga but I think I'll have to wait a day or two before I go back to my more strenuous workouts. I have that really hollow feeling in my stomach -- like I need to eat a huge meal -- and even if I do that after an hour the hollow feeling returns. It took a few days of regular eating and no alcohol last time for that feeling to go away.
Hope you all enjoy your day -- and may it be a sober one.
Feel much better, less anxious this morning.
Definitely a good thing. I have to shop this morning for tonight's dinner and I decided screw it I'll just go to the stupid grocery store I went to drunk a few times during my binge and get it over with. I'll probably feel relief after I do that. I don't think anything eventful actually happened but I am always so paranoid and full of shame at being drunk in public in the middle of the day I assume everyone there knows the second they lay eyes on me -- maybe they do maybe they don't but I think changing to a different store will just add to my anxiety so I'm not going to do that. NoMoBeer -- hope you have a great workout this morning. I believe I'll walk the dogs today and maybe do a little pilates or yoga but I think I'll have to wait a day or two before I go back to my more strenuous workouts. I have that really hollow feeling in my stomach -- like I need to eat a huge meal -- and even if I do that after an hour the hollow feeling returns. It took a few days of regular eating and no alcohol last time for that feeling to go away.
Hope you all enjoy your day -- and may it be a sober one.
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Arizona
Posts: 872
Great to see your progress FWD!
Ugh, had about 2.5 hours sleep, so my workout was later than I'd planned. I didn't get started until around 8:45 which in Phoenix means HOT. Did about 80 minutes of rolling hills on the bike, tried to do my "brick" run immediately after, but just couldn't keep my HR down, so jogged and walked a bit, headed home and here I am.
Gotta clean up the pool for my son's birthday party later today, shower, and hit my 12:15 AA meeting!
Have a great day all -- especially you FWD :-)
Ken
Ugh, had about 2.5 hours sleep, so my workout was later than I'd planned. I didn't get started until around 8:45 which in Phoenix means HOT. Did about 80 minutes of rolling hills on the bike, tried to do my "brick" run immediately after, but just couldn't keep my HR down, so jogged and walked a bit, headed home and here I am.
Gotta clean up the pool for my son's birthday party later today, shower, and hit my 12:15 AA meeting!
Have a great day all -- especially you FWD :-)
Ken
Stopping the tornado
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 143
Hi Fun,
I read your post yesterday morning and I couldn't post then because it upset me so much. I had the same pattern, went on many benders that sound very similar to the one you had.
I've been sober for a month now, but there is a part of me that still misses those benders. I believe this thinking is something that I really need to work thru if I hope to stay sober.
That is the problem, I don't even want to drink moderately. If I decided to pick up a drink, I would want to go all out, essentially disappear from the world.
There is no doubt I am an alcoholic. One drink would lead to that downward spiral, and I do not want to go down that road again.
So thanks for posting this. It forced me to examine the horridness of my drinking.
I hope you are feeling a bit better today. Congrats on breaking the cycle and getting sober again.
Lisa
I read your post yesterday morning and I couldn't post then because it upset me so much. I had the same pattern, went on many benders that sound very similar to the one you had.
I've been sober for a month now, but there is a part of me that still misses those benders. I believe this thinking is something that I really need to work thru if I hope to stay sober.
That is the problem, I don't even want to drink moderately. If I decided to pick up a drink, I would want to go all out, essentially disappear from the world.
There is no doubt I am an alcoholic. One drink would lead to that downward spiral, and I do not want to go down that road again.
So thanks for posting this. It forced me to examine the horridness of my drinking.
I hope you are feeling a bit better today. Congrats on breaking the cycle and getting sober again.
Lisa
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Drunk City, USA
Posts: 77
Morning again! And a sober one! 
It's a lazy day around here but that's a good thing.
I do have something coming up that has me worried it will trigger me to drink. Relatives are going to be in my area in the next week or two and want to visit. These are relatives that I have never enjoyed seeing -- in the past after dinner with them I would cry all the way home afterwards because they ignored me and talked over me the entire time. Why do they want to meet me when that is what happens everytime? Why do I feel I should have to meet them -- because I live 2,000 miles away from them now. I don't feel up to this visit at all. I know I must put my sobriety first so I think I am going to have to make up an excuse as to why I cannot meet them right now. I'm going to catch major flak from family for it too. *sigh*
It's a lazy day around here but that's a good thing.
I do have something coming up that has me worried it will trigger me to drink. Relatives are going to be in my area in the next week or two and want to visit. These are relatives that I have never enjoyed seeing -- in the past after dinner with them I would cry all the way home afterwards because they ignored me and talked over me the entire time. Why do they want to meet me when that is what happens everytime? Why do I feel I should have to meet them -- because I live 2,000 miles away from them now. I don't feel up to this visit at all. I know I must put my sobriety first so I think I am going to have to make up an excuse as to why I cannot meet them right now. I'm going to catch major flak from family for it too. *sigh*
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Drunk City, USA
Posts: 77
Originally Posted by NoMoBeer
Remember -- First things First. For me, my sobriety always comes first, without it I have nothing...
Ken
Ken
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Beaver, WA
Posts: 1,346
((((((((FunWhenDrunk)))))))))
Sounded like you were none-to-thrilled anytime they came to visit. At least this time you "can" be sober no matter what they say or do. It sounds like its still possibly a couple weeks off so don't fret about it at this moment. Time takes time and enjoyu the time you have today instead of wasting it thinking & freaking out about what might be a trigger two weeks from now.
Sounded like you were none-to-thrilled anytime they came to visit. At least this time you "can" be sober no matter what they say or do. It sounds like its still possibly a couple weeks off so don't fret about it at this moment. Time takes time and enjoyu the time you have today instead of wasting it thinking & freaking out about what might be a trigger two weeks from now.
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
FWD....
As a recovering codie/people pleaser/"cant say no to anyone" person.....
May I say that you have a right and a choice as to whomever you see, socialize or take company with.
If you want to start a positive "Taking care of you" life, start with setting personal boundaries with your self.
Its OK to not be around people who you do not like.
Its ok,,it really really really is....Just say not this time,,,and let the family have whatever feelings they have about it, even if its feeling of anger.
Good luck!
As a recovering codie/people pleaser/"cant say no to anyone" person.....
May I say that you have a right and a choice as to whomever you see, socialize or take company with.
If you want to start a positive "Taking care of you" life, start with setting personal boundaries with your self.
Its OK to not be around people who you do not like.
Its ok,,it really really really is....Just say not this time,,,and let the family have whatever feelings they have about it, even if its feeling of anger.
Good luck!
Been there and done.
Join Date: May 2005
Location: West Coast North America
Posts: 269
Fun, I empathized much with what you said: drinking until you drop, napping until ready to drink again. I especially identified with checking the email outbox to see if i sent something i would regret. really sounds like me!
today is a chance to turn it around. imagine today without drinking. sound good? dont worry about tomorrow, just have sober day.
today is a chance to turn it around. imagine today without drinking. sound good? dont worry about tomorrow, just have sober day.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Warm place, America
Posts: 65
Originally Posted by FunWhenDrunk
On the very rare occasions I had only one or two drinks it was usually because I was in a social setting where I absolutely had to restrain myself. One or two drinks is never enough. I always always want more and more.
What you did this weekend is what I did every weekend for months. Every single part of it. I ended up quitting a very good job and moving to another state as I realized I was killing myself with that behavior. I so understand all the wine bottles, trips to the store, checking my cell phone, email, etc.
What I discovered on moving, and on cutting out all the "stress" was that I didn't stop drinking (although I did cut it down). This "addiction" has a life of its own. It's taken make over 18 months to finally realize I cannot do this alone. You may not like AA, but you cannot drink as long as you sit in a meeting. It's impossible. So even if you hate it, I encourage you to just go sit there -- for MANY meetings until you meet the kind of people who can help you with this thing in your community. As wonderful as this board is, I find I need people in real life.
Take Care,
SC
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: san francisco, california
Posts: 5
FWD, good morning.
Now going on sobriety day #9. Went to LA over the weekend to visit a good friend of mine and was a little worried that I would break down and have a cocktail or two or three or... you get the idea. I was pleasantly surprised when we went to several restaurants this weekend and not a single alcoholic beverage. Even a mexican restaurant where a margarita used to be a must (not last friday). Anyway I had a wonderful time with just my water and diet coke.
About my benders. Like yours I would become a complete hermit for a week or two only venturing out to go to the store. By the evening time I had little to no energy to go out so I just finished up the 24-pack or bottle of vodka on my couch rather than be social with my friends. No doing dishes, laundry, cleaning - didn't do anything productive. But I can recite the daytime tv schedule to you.
It's really amazing how my mind will block out the happiness I feel when I'm sober and tell me I'm bored and I should drink to livin things up or at least make me not care about being bored.
Oh man I totally know what you mean about leaving that half empty glass behind. I used to finish off my friend's glasses. I just think don't you want to be drunker? The other thing I often forget while drinking with friends is that other's can't tolerate as much as me. Where 2 beers gives them a good buzz I need about 5-6 for the same feeling. I also drink very fast (all beverages) which does not help.
Another thing I used to do is go to parties and have the social beer around others then take off for a minute, find a secluded place and pound a couple so no one knew how much I was really drinking. Then go back to the party with another beer. Yeah it was not good. That's why I can't just have that "one" beer. First off, why? I don't even feel anything from it, and secondly it triggers the next one and the next one...
Hang in there FWD!! It's difficult to overcome but it can be done. Before ordering a drink just ask yourself "what is this going to do for me?" My answer to myself is it will make me tired, unmotivated, lazy, etc. There is NO benefit to me having this drink.
- mtin
Now going on sobriety day #9. Went to LA over the weekend to visit a good friend of mine and was a little worried that I would break down and have a cocktail or two or three or... you get the idea. I was pleasantly surprised when we went to several restaurants this weekend and not a single alcoholic beverage. Even a mexican restaurant where a margarita used to be a must (not last friday). Anyway I had a wonderful time with just my water and diet coke.
About my benders. Like yours I would become a complete hermit for a week or two only venturing out to go to the store. By the evening time I had little to no energy to go out so I just finished up the 24-pack or bottle of vodka on my couch rather than be social with my friends. No doing dishes, laundry, cleaning - didn't do anything productive. But I can recite the daytime tv schedule to you.
It's really amazing how my mind will block out the happiness I feel when I'm sober and tell me I'm bored and I should drink to livin things up or at least make me not care about being bored. Oh man I totally know what you mean about leaving that half empty glass behind. I used to finish off my friend's glasses. I just think don't you want to be drunker? The other thing I often forget while drinking with friends is that other's can't tolerate as much as me. Where 2 beers gives them a good buzz I need about 5-6 for the same feeling. I also drink very fast (all beverages) which does not help.
Another thing I used to do is go to parties and have the social beer around others then take off for a minute, find a secluded place and pound a couple so no one knew how much I was really drinking. Then go back to the party with another beer. Yeah it was not good. That's why I can't just have that "one" beer. First off, why? I don't even feel anything from it, and secondly it triggers the next one and the next one...
Hang in there FWD!! It's difficult to overcome but it can be done. Before ordering a drink just ask yourself "what is this going to do for me?" My answer to myself is it will make me tired, unmotivated, lazy, etc. There is NO benefit to me having this drink.
- mtin
1 bite&all resistance crumbles
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: IRELAND
Posts: 2,208
FUN I AM SO SORRY btu sometimes these things are integral to our recovery ...I've experienced the same...I think what we both know is that the sober way is the better way....good luck and well done on getting back on the wagon!!
You've done so great so far...perhaps reflect on what you can do differently this time around...triggers? What can strengthen you? A recovery program to reinforce you?
Good luck and keep us posted.
Love Cathy31
You've done so great so far...perhaps reflect on what you can do differently this time around...triggers? What can strengthen you? A recovery program to reinforce you?
Good luck and keep us posted.
Love Cathy31
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Drunk City, USA
Posts: 77
Hi everyone. Haven't been around in a few days but all is well here. Happy Father's Day!
It is a gorgeous day here and later we are gonna grill burgers and have some cole slaw with it. And don't think I didn't want a big bag of Kettle Chips instead! LOL
I am considering going back on phase one of the South Beach diet tomorrow to give my weight loss a little kick in the rear. I am going out of town in mid July and would like to lose a few more before then. I think I'll sit outside on the deck and leaf through the South Beach book -- maybe that will inspire me.
Hope everyone enjoys a sober Sunday!
It is a gorgeous day here and later we are gonna grill burgers and have some cole slaw with it. And don't think I didn't want a big bag of Kettle Chips instead! LOL
I am considering going back on phase one of the South Beach diet tomorrow to give my weight loss a little kick in the rear. I am going out of town in mid July and would like to lose a few more before then. I think I'll sit outside on the deck and leaf through the South Beach book -- maybe that will inspire me.
Hope everyone enjoys a sober Sunday!
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