Lawry

It's been 5 months and 15 days since my last drink. For the past couple of months my resolve has been pretty much undiluted. Yet today I feel close. Not close enough that I think I'll drink tonight but close enough to worry.

I quit caffeine a couple of months ago thinking it was just another addiction which had to go. Then on Monday I had some tea and have had a bit of caffine every day since. Maybe this has something to do with it, a slow return to something I had quit. Maybe it's because I'm edging closer to the 6 month mark.

It's just that I'm starting to feel better now, happier, calmer, more in control. I know in my head that the reason I feel like this is because of quitting booze but it's not stopping me doubting my addiction. If I return to booze it blatantly won't be long before I'm drunk and the thought of one of those mornings of regret and self loathing is horrible. Especially since this is my longest sober streak since I was a teenager (I'm now 31).

Why is this bloody thin so complicated. Why can't I put a computer chip in my brain which will prevent me ever denying my alcohol addiction ever again.

The main tool keeping me sane is my faith. I don't mean in religion or god but in other peolpe's experiences and advice. So I guess that's what I'm crying out for here.

cheers
Lawry.

mishelly

Hi Lawry...I attended an AA conference in Eureka Springs MO this past April and heard a speaker there say something like this..."I can never forget that I am alcoholic...while I'm safe in a meeting room, my disease is out in the parking lot doing pushups, waiting for me..."

This disease is the only one I know of that tries to convince you that you DON'T have it. It's progressive, sneaky and deceptive...and somewhere in the Big Book or perhaps the 12 x 12 it says something about not getting comfortable or "cocky" thinking we've got this thing beat because that is dangerous thinking and can trip us up before we even know what happened.

I myself have a problem with thinking that I don't deserve to be happy so I tend to sabotage myself just when things are looking up...hope you're not doing that.

Just try not to obsess, do whatever you do to stay sober and no matter what...DON'T DRINK!

Lawry

cra@, i can use none o my center row o type as my monitor rupture bit on computer 4 tpye except a & s, so im bein a bit creative ere cos i cant use 7 'etters.

but 'ust wanna say ta mis#e##y 4 your post u r correct an i must remember war is never over.

peace
'awry.

CarolD

Good to see you again! Sorry I have not kept up with your progress.

AA meetings are where I learned how to stay sober and enjoy it. The sober friends I have now are all remarkable and what a blast we have.

If you do not have an AA Big Book...it is on line.
You might want to read it. Also...in the AA Forum next door are stickys of info.

If you are ill at ease with sobriety..time to go forward.

Keep us aware..we do understand.

Peter

As an alcoholic it seems I live in a world which tries it's very best to get me drunk and keep me that way.

TV ads are glamorous and promises physical pleasures and satisfaction.

Billboards along the highway remind me that if I'm not drinking then I am not part of the "In" crowd.

Alcohol flows freely at parties and family gathering and there are vast areas in the supermarket designated solely for the sale of alcohol.

Worse I live in a country where the bars never seem to close.

Alcohol is in our foods and medicine.

On top of it all life always seems to throw me a bit of injustice and unkindness.It is easy sometimes to remember the temporary escape from realityl that alcohol once provided me.

I am sober now nearly eight years and I have done it despite all the odds against me because I too hold fast to my faith that my life will get better as long as I remain sober.

Alcohol has brought only fleeting relief and pleasure to my life. The pain and degradation I suffered was too much a heavy price to pay and you will have to come with much much more than your multi million dollar commercials to catch me.

wantneeda

Hi there, Lawry, take a look at my thread in the recovery follies, titled, If you can read this... just what i thought of with your key misses.
i gotta go with Carol's suggestion...if your ill at ease...time to move forward. That
s what my sponsor told me to. I know when i'm not learning, i'm not growing. And the funny thing is the more i learn ithe less i know.
So i strated some service work...helping others..gets me out of my own head, and more grateful for what i am,,,what i have.
having any sort of reservations about your addiction, will take you back to using...quit doubting yourself!!
You've come a long way, pat yourself on the back, all we have is today, smile, life is worth living!!
hugs & hugs, Wendy

Lawry

Thanks for everyones replies – I’m typing away here on my brand new laptop provided free of charge by the lovely big multi national organisation I work for – at least they’re good for something. I had my old PC on a bed and the monitor fell onto the floor smashing the keyboard and rendering “dfghjkl” useless, very frustrating,

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CarolD – I have read the whole big book and all the stories, though only once. I will read it again. It would be good to get some more up to date stories, although not much seems to have changed. I still relate to those people writing their stories all those years ago. I’ve also been to a couple of AA meetings but wasn’t a fan, not at this time. I do however like a lot of what AA stands for.

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Peter , you’re so right about peer and advertising pressure on tv. This has felled me before and it’s so sad. To think I used to destroy my own life in an effort to live how others wanted me too. There’s a commercial showing here in the U.K at the moment for a beer called Michelob. It shows attractive men and women playing sports and kick boxing and the slogan is “If this is your life, then this is your beer”. What a joke.

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Wantneeda – “having any sort of reservations about your addiction, will take you back to using...quit doubting yourself!! “ – you’re so right here and I wish I was the sort of person who could get involved in some kind of service work. Maybe in the future but right now im too selfish. Then again in service work keeps you sober, there is an element of self help in there too. Thankfully you guys replying here is good enough for now.<o:p></o:p>

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Here’s to another sober day. At work they had a big party last night and everyone came in hung over. I was about the only one sober. I know loads of them have alcohol problems but to them getting smashed regularly is normal, so they think they’re ok. I just feel grateful I’ve found people like here on this board, otherwise I’d still be just like them. When they come in feeling like cra*, I actually feel genuinely sorry for them because they have no idea what they could have.

cheers
Lawry.<o:p></o:p>
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michaelj

Lawry,

I have been sober for much the same period of time as you. I stopped drinking near the end of January. My sobriety has been a bit like a kiddies' funfair ride. It has had its ups and downs but nothing too extreme. Over the past few days I have had a bit of a down because of someone encouraging me to drink to be part of the "happy" drinking crowd. I have no intention of drinking but you know what the worm of doubt does to your mind.
Anyway I suppose it's all part of the game.
I was delighted to read your reply above, you seemed so much more positive. I'm feeling positive today after my little downward lurch and I guess I knew I would. The thing to do is to enjoy the ups and prepare yourself for the inevitable down.
Best wishes
Michael

Pick-a-name

Please see Under the Influence by Dr. James Milam regarding PAW (protracted alcohol withdrawl) a very real physical problem at predictible times...6 months is one of those. JMO Good Luck!

Lawry

Michael – that wanting to be part of the happy drinking crowd has felled me so many times. I can be strong in other areas my life, to the point of stubbornness, but when someone cajoles me into drinking, I’m an imbecile, or was until last December (my last drink). I am feeling a lot more positive and I’m also pleased to see you’ve been ignoring that encouragement to drink as well.

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Pick-a-name – I keep meaning to read some literature on alcoholism and addiction in general but except for the AA stuff, I haven’t got round to it. What you say about predictable times for temptation is something I’ve experienced before, at 1,2 & 3 months. Just before these milestone, the temptation is definitely stronger. This time it just seems to have started earlier. I’ll keep an eye out for Under the Influence

CarolD

'Under the Influence' and its sequel 'Beyond The Influence' are excellent. Usually Amazon carries both.

Here is a link from my files re PAWS..

http://www.tlctx.com/ar_pages/paw_part1.htm

Keep on down the recovery road!

3legacy

A computer chip would be great. Hmmmmm

I placed myself beyond human-aid. Found that needed aid eventually through other alcoholics though. My first Step won't keep you sober, but it sure has helped in reminding me of where I came from when I cry out for help in the first place. People have always let me down and thus I do not place my faith in them in particular.

Hope and pray the best for you in your journey.

(((((((Lawry))))))))
Cheers

Don S

Hi, Lawry,
I'd be happy to provide you with links for information about alcoholism and addiction in general if you're interested.
Here are a few; I haven't checked to see if all are current.

http://www.utexas.edu/research/asrec/drugs_m.html

is just one web site with information on drugs and neurotransmitters.

Here are a bunch of links about alcohol and metabolism, the brain, etc.:

http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/md19.htm

http://ajpendo.physiology.org/cgi/co...ct/285/6/E1273

http://www.medicouncilalcol.demon.co...ok/hb_meta.htm

http://www.spectroscopynow.com/Spy/b...ne-0-4,00.html

http://www.ucop.edu/sciencetoday/pag.../sci767.html#A

http://www.alcohol-drug.com/neuropsych.htm

http://www.pioneercounseling.com/dis...p?article=6782

http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/alerts/l/blnaa47.htm

http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/brain/a/blacer030916.htm

http://www.med.unc.edu/alcohol/cenline/10_1_1.htm

http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releas...-amm110801.php

Don S

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