Loss of a friend
Michael
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: London England
Posts: 291
Loss of a friend
A couple of days ago a good friend of mine died afetr a long struggle against prostate cancer. I met him through work and we immediately got on well as work colleagues and became good friends. We shared a number of interests including cricket, walking and more than the odd few beers. He was tremendously good company, generous to a fault and just a pleasure to be around.
He retired just over four years ago and we remained in regular contact. About 18 months ago he became unwell and remained undiagnosed for just long enough for it to become untreatable. I visited him often and saw him just before he slipped into a coma three days before his peaceful death.
In the past his death would have been the trigger for a bout of drinking with the superficial intention of honouring him. Now that I am sober I can see that the function of that drink would have been to anaesthetise me from the feelings that flow from loss. His death would also have been an excuse to drink.
The important lesson I have learned is that no matter what happens drink does not help in facing these issues and the absence of it is more important than I could have believed. I have grieved for my old pal, I have remembered him with a clear and unimpaired respect for what his friendship meant to me. Before giving up alcohol I had often used the prospect of crises as an excuse to put off the decision to quit. Now I can see that this was a function of my addiction and had no basis in reality. I felt and continue to feel no desire to drink and I suppose in a way that if I had allowed his death to lead to a drink I would have used his memory in a self-centred and destructive way.
Whenever he and I parted after a cricket match or whatever we were up to he would almost invariably use the phrase "Farewell Sweet Prince" as a goodbye. I think it makes a nice epitaph.
He retired just over four years ago and we remained in regular contact. About 18 months ago he became unwell and remained undiagnosed for just long enough for it to become untreatable. I visited him often and saw him just before he slipped into a coma three days before his peaceful death.
In the past his death would have been the trigger for a bout of drinking with the superficial intention of honouring him. Now that I am sober I can see that the function of that drink would have been to anaesthetise me from the feelings that flow from loss. His death would also have been an excuse to drink.
The important lesson I have learned is that no matter what happens drink does not help in facing these issues and the absence of it is more important than I could have believed. I have grieved for my old pal, I have remembered him with a clear and unimpaired respect for what his friendship meant to me. Before giving up alcohol I had often used the prospect of crises as an excuse to put off the decision to quit. Now I can see that this was a function of my addiction and had no basis in reality. I felt and continue to feel no desire to drink and I suppose in a way that if I had allowed his death to lead to a drink I would have used his memory in a self-centred and destructive way.
Whenever he and I parted after a cricket match or whatever we were up to he would almost invariably use the phrase "Farewell Sweet Prince" as a goodbye. I think it makes a nice epitaph.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
I grew up in a boarding house that held around 14 - 16 lodgers at any one time, many of the old men that lived there had fought in WW2.
One of them told us that in his unit they talked about friends that were dead and they all felt some part of them was still there. He said that they began to think the will of a person, their courage and worth stays with all those they loved after they die. Most of the men said they had felt something like this, they all believed it.
I believe this because we learn from each other and what we learn stays with us long after they're gone. It sounds like your friend had some wonderful things to teach.
One of them told us that in his unit they talked about friends that were dead and they all felt some part of them was still there. He said that they began to think the will of a person, their courage and worth stays with all those they loved after they die. Most of the men said they had felt something like this, they all believed it.
I believe this because we learn from each other and what we learn stays with us long after they're gone. It sounds like your friend had some wonderful things to teach.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Kingston, NY
Posts: 390
Hi Michael -
Thank you for sharing. It sounds as though this man is someone who deserves celebration - something we can do via your post, though we didn't know him - and something you knew to do sober. You're so right in your words, so dead-on. I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad that you got to see him before he passed. I am also glad that you are able to love and recall the details of who he was without a drink - this is a gift both to you and to him.
Warm thoughts to you.
take care,
anne
Thank you for sharing. It sounds as though this man is someone who deserves celebration - something we can do via your post, though we didn't know him - and something you knew to do sober. You're so right in your words, so dead-on. I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad that you got to see him before he passed. I am also glad that you are able to love and recall the details of who he was without a drink - this is a gift both to you and to him.
Warm thoughts to you.
take care,
anne
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
I often think if we each knew how much time we had we would all learn to be a little more appreciative of the people in our lives.
Mourn your friend and honour his memory and may his spirit find peace.
Mourn your friend and honour his memory and may his spirit find peace.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
