smt

I hope you all are not angry with me for coming here, as I am not an alcoholic, but I really could use your help... my fiance is an alcoholic.

I suspected there was a problem for quite awhile, but didn't know the extent. A year ago, he called me at work and told me he had a problem and he wanted help. That first week was just awful. It hurt so much to see him going through it. We discussed options, treatments, etc. He wanted to try beating in on our own. It didn't last. Since then, we have been back and forth constantly on it. In January of this year, he agreed to counseling and attended 1 meeting. Then he got a new job and we moved. He didn't resume. We were hoping that being back around family and friends would help.

We've had so many "talks" about it... ok, actually I talk and he just sits there. I can rarely get much out of him. I know he wants to quit, but he also resents me for knowing every time he drinks. He says he will go to counseling but he admitted that he thinks it will make us upset with each other. He hated the probing questions in his first evaluation.

So, here are my questions.
- What can I do? Since you are all going through this, what can I do to help and what do I NOT need to do?
- If you have received counseling, what type? (AA, treatment centers, etc.)
- Where do we start?

I've offered to quit drinking right along with him. But I know it's not the same for me. Will this even help him? Usually he wants me to have a drink so that people won't suspect anything or... I don't know what other reasons.

Any other advice is welcome. Right now I am trying to learn as much as I can. We both come from families with alcohol dependencies, and we don't live our lives this way anymore.

splendra

((((smt))))

Welcome to Sober Recovery!You might find that you get more support on the "freinds and family" forum here.

As an alcoholic and a codependent I know you can't make anyone quit. It has to come from something inside of them. Probably the best thing you can do is go to alanon meetings and, maybe even "adult child of alcoholics" meetings for which there is a forum for here too. It is very difficult to understand that by keeping the focus on yourself and your recovery it is helping the other person. Please do read the stick post at the top of the freinds and family forum board.... God bless...

CarolD

Here is where you will find tons of info and support

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...splay.php?f=24

As an alcoholic in AA recovery..I think being around alcohol is a danger and a temptatiom.

I also think Al anon will help you to deal with your situation. Do check out the link.

Blessings to you both.

Don S

Hi, smt,
Welcome to SR, and nobody here is going to be angry at you!
Here is a link that compares several of the best-known recovery groups. You, and hopefully your fiance, can look at the different philosophies and approaches and see what seems to fit best.
http://www.rrci.net/recovery_spectrum.htm

I'd urge him to do some research online. He can learn a lot from forum boards and can even attend online meetings. It's as anonymous as he chooses to be, and can be very helpful in learning about alcohol abuse. He can learn tools for dealing with the factors that lead him to drink, he can practice his 'refusal skills', and perhaps most important he can find that he isn't alone in this.

There are folks here who have used AA, LifeRing, and RR; I'm active at SMART Recovery. So we can answer questions you and he might have.

Take care,

Don S

saintintx

Smt,
First, he has to want to help himself. There is really nothing you can do for him. I was in the same situation with my ABF. He admitted about 3 years ago that he felt he had a drinking problem. He looked into AA and some out patient treatment but I think he got scared when they told him with detox was like and didn't do anything. He also told me at the time, he was afraid I might not want to be with him afterwards,,, to which I replied he might feel the same way.
He did nothing for 3 years and continued to drink.. he lost his job and drinking then became an all day affair which I was not aware of but suspicious of. There were subtle health signs which he was able to cover up for everyone. Finally it came to a head over Thanksgiving and he agreed to go to a treatment center. By that time his health was so bad, they almost didn't take him.
He has now be sober since Jan 3, attending AA, working the steps. I know he has a long road ahead, his health is better, and I don't know what lies ahead for us but that is not as important as him saving his life. I actually enjoy being with him now.

I did quit drinking while he was in treatment. I felt I needed to understand what the social choices would be for him and how to react to social situations (which I discovered really takes some effort to not just 'join in' with cocktails with others when you are so conditioned otherwise). I currently do not plan to drink when I am with him (though his family does.) Maybe that is not the right approach for others, but it is what I am comfortable with right now.

Hopefully you can get him into a treatment center that has family counseling as well that can help you understand how this has affected you and help you deal with it. I'm not sure what your situation is like, but I am very fortunate that his personality didn't change for the bad. He was never violent, abusive, arrogant. He's what I call a 'calm drunk'. We never had fights,, we just didn't communicate. I think that was why it was so hard for me to relate at first when you start hearing the war stories of others.

I started working the steps as well and it has made me realize some things about myself (some that I don't like ..lol) but it's all growth and I do believe for the best whatever happens.

Take care of yourself, first and foremost. You have to realize the first step,. you have no control over the alcohol.

Godd luck