CarolD

From post #1..
You want to know what is even worse? I'm a psychology major and an honor student!

You gotta be kidding!

I suggest a major change.

Secondchances

Hi, I am going to check in just to say "I hear you" and you're not alone. Everything you've said resonates with me and I get the frustration. As much as people will say, go to a meeting or read the big book, what they don't understand is I've been struggling with this since 1977 and yes, I have read that big book and it didn't do a durn thing for me. Meetings are of value to me to the extent I've met some real life people and become friends with them. That's about it.

You are 35. That seems young to me. If you find a way to stop now, you can still have a normal and decent life. It will be hell at first, but hopefully it'll get better. I have had my fair share of rehabs, and they are pretty much the paid version of AA, unless you can find one that is unorthodox. The point is to hopefully either remove you from your environment (as in in patient) so you can break the habit, or maybe something will click, on some level, if you do an OP deal. For some people they really do work. For me, they worked temporarily and it was an expensive temporarily.

I've been through countless therapists and a few shrinks, so I understand that whole deal as well. Well, pretty much I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. BTW, I'd give anything to meet a guy who just wanted a nice girl, and it wouldn't bother me if he was an "addict," so maybe checking out an AA or NA meeting wouldn't be such a bad idea. :-)

peplepew

Ok I feel better. I'm going to get a scrip for that drug tomorrow, I think its called antibuse or something like that. It makes you sick if you drink. I really don't think I'll have the urge to drink for several weeks but at least that's a good reminder and safe guard. Next I'm going to say F everybody in my life I don't need them. I guess I'll pick myself up by the proverbial boot straps and start kicking ass on this stupid thing. It obviously isn't going to go away. I only have two months to go and I can join civilization again. I can make it. I screwed up, I'll get over it. If nobody else does, too bad for them. They will be sorry they lost a really awesome person in their life.

I'm still mad but I do feel better. I always kinda been on my own mostly. I guess thats just the way my life is.

Music, I've been thinking about what you said:
"Matter of fact, in order to make things move along a lot faster, why don't you just get blasted every night. Two things could happen. You may just die faster, or the old farts in AA might start looking a little better."

You should really be careful to who you say stuff like that to. The wrong person would tkae that as a prescription for death. I am absolutely certain if I went to jail again or was completely stripped of my dignity somehow, I wouldn't make it.

Secondchances

One point about Antabuse. Yes, it works, but be careful with it. Be careful of mouthwashes and cologne and certain foods that might contain alcohol. I knew a guy once who dyed his hair and had a reaction. It'll buy you sober time.

One more thing to consider...when a person stops drinking neurotransmitter levels will drop for a while. I've gone through this enough times to know that around day 10 I just become extremely depressed and catatonic. So, an anti-depressant combined with the Antabuse might not be a bad idea. There are several, as I'm sure you know. While some people will say to ride it out, not for this alcoholic. I was six months sober long time ago and had my intro to anxiety disorder, so I know for me this thing is not just about alcohol. Maybe you can talk to your Dr. about this. Mine put me on Wellbutrin, and I've had fairly decent results with this. If you're a smoker, you might consider this drug. Also, the SSRIs are worth looking at, although I'd be careful about Effexor, as it's been shown to actually INCREASE cravings for alcohol. Good luck, and I am glad you feel better :-)

P.S. I understand the sentiment behind F everybody. Maybe you need to do that. However, if you do, please do check out an AA or NA or SMART meeting for human contact. We all need that. I am not saying these people are going to be your best friends, but there have been several times I've gone to a meeting and, just being around other humans who share my condition, it's taken the edge off.

peplepew

**** and carol,
I am a highly emotional person, thats one of the reasons I took psych as a undergrad major, that and I couldn't ever understand the needs of my women. I guess the irony isn't that bad considering I haven't taken that many psyche credits yet, I'm just getting myself wound up. I just finished my two years of liberal arts and some psyche classes for my bachelors. That's how I guess I know my provider is crap. Its not as bad as it sounded. Sorry for misrepresenting myself, like I said I was just blowing off steam. I was just typing as I was thinking and venting.

peplepew

Second,
Thanks. I am on welbutrin right now. I don't think my situation is as bad as your thinking. I havent drank anything for months until last weekend and this weekend. Two big nights spaced in two weeks. I'm not sure that will damage too much, but then again I've had one of my old docs tell me one good drunk will knock a guy back for three weeks. My experience is that a couple of days and I'll be back on top for a while.

Secondchances

:-) I'm happy to hear it's not as bad as I might be thinking. One good drunk can set somebody back for YEARS, as has been my case. Stay on the Wellbutrin, lay off the booze, and do try to meet some sober people. AA ain't perfect, but you'd be surprised that there are some nice people there.

CarolD

Thank you for the correction..Now

Time to get sober.

I took Antabuse in early sobriety. And I drank with it.
Did I quit drinking? Nah! I quit the Antabuse because it made me violently ill. Typical drunk thinking!!

BTW... Antabuse stays in your body for several days after you stop the pill. Check with your Dr. for precise time line...I have forgotten.

You can do this...

Kahlia

You are in so much pain...suicide is NOT your answer, your solution is to get and stay sober. Do you know what makes you so sad and lonely beside your wife not being there anymore. Did she go because of your drinking? You need to get some help, talk about what is going on, you can get to another AA meeting where there are different ages of people..they are everywhere. I hear in your post a lot of sadness, I am sorry that you cannot pull out of that hole. It is difficult but you first have to WANT to stop. I hope you do that, you will never figure things out while you are drinking, it is more confusing to you. The crossroads is a very hard place to stand...which way to go??? UP....go UP......Go to an AA meeting and listen, get some counseling and IF you continue to feel suicidal, PLEASE talk to someone, anyone.....I am praying for you....Kahlia

Kahlia

If your situation is not that bad, you would not be here. I am on Wellbutrin and I have gotten so much better...as far as telling everyone to F. off, you need personal contact with LIFE. We tend to isolate, it is a viscious cycle, this gives us a reason to be lonely, feel bad and then drink again....I am glad that you are getting back up and are trying...that is great...keep it up, when you feel lonely, talk here....we do not personally know you and it is easier than a face to face with someone. That can make you feel shame, guilt etc.....Kahlia

Kahlia

You are MAD. MAD, MAD because you are HURT, HURT, HURT....I know about HURT...it caused me years of MISERY....I made every excuse why I needed to take dilaudid to ease my HURT. My family was not there either...they are all alcoholics and addicts. I finally came to the conclusion that NOBODY but me could help me. I had to just STOP using. It will never get better as long as you continue this CRAZY cycle of yours..you say you are not feeling sorry for yourself, YES you are. It is so evident in your posts....throwing dishes etc...already done it. Ate off paper plates for a month. You can be as mad as you want to but it will not help you quit drinking, it will help you make a decision to do something about your life as far as not feeling sorry for yourself. get out of yourself for a minute and take a good look. What do you see? Probably a very unhappy individual that has a LOT of issues. You are majoring in Psych., well use it. You should KNOW that letting all these things get to you will not help, it only makes things worse....it gives you a resaon to drink. IF you are really mad, sit down and write what you are mad about....then re-read it over and over....Psych 101. I am a nurse and majored in psych as well as nursing. I could rationalize any damn thing. Get over the crap and get sober....or just keep drinking and end up in a hole some where......Kahlia

peplepew

Kahlia,
Yeah, I can tell you what makes me sad and lonely. I live in the woods by myself with no drivers license to start with. A peaceful place but it's like being in solitary confinement. Nights get sooo lonely-its like being on another planet when I'm alone in the dark out here. Weekends are even worse. Nobody ever calls or stops by hardly at all. my best friend would call once in a while on Sundays for the last two months but he's been off his ankle bracelet and back to drinking for two weeks now, he came and got me last weekend and it was the bomb. We went just driving around, well then we started stopping at bars later, but you get the idea. My dad lives 15 minutes away and only comes by to bring me places like doctor appointments. I have been able to drive to and from school since January but have to leave immediately after class and can't go in early. I get to attend classes and leave, not conducive to socialization, and this semester is over now. I feel like I am not part of the human race anymore. My wife and I separated in nov of 03. not cuz of my drinking either- a long story but essentially she decided she would be happier with someone else after telling me how much potential I had and that I should quit my job and go to college. I didn't go out at first under my doctors orders to not get involved in a relationship for a year, that and I was a wreck. the first night I did, july2 of 04, I got a dwi. spent 30 days in jail, 45 days sts service, and the rest of it until december just sitting here by myself in the woods. The one break I did get was when I went to hawaii in december of last year and drank myself silly for three weeks with some guys I went to h.s. with. They don't like being around me anymore cuz of my drunken escapades out there. I won't be invited back.

This non-interaction with other people is really killing me at the moment but I have such a story when it comes to my life and all the parts of it, my therapist even started to cry. yeah, some other people have had worse, nonetheless it is a sad story of missed opportunities for a normal life, a very good life, for no reason other than family alcoholism and dysfunction. I'm not fishing for sympathy but you were interested.

I'm just really freaked out over my dad telling me I have to register my car in my name. It is a big setback. It's not the worst thing in the world but it is going to break me financially and I'll have to put w-plates on it. W-plates are for convicted dwi people and they can pull you over for no reason whatsoever. When they do pull you over they will ticket you for anything they can find. It means I won't be able to sneak into the grocery store or movie rental place without worrying to death of being caught where I'm not supposed to be and loosing my license for another year. It's been 10 months of being grounded and I have 2 more to go, I just couldn't do another year. It means back to a more isolated existence for a while. I guess if my son had been through what I have, i would be more concerned about finding a way to help him back on his feet instead of knocking him down again. I would try to help him with his real problem instead of being ashamed of him. It was the first time I did something like this since my dwi, actually I was supposed to leave my car at the bar and stay at my friends house but I got wasted and went looking for companionship of the opposite gender at another bar.

2dayzmuse

No, I can't blame him either. Why would he want to be responsible for what happens while you are off doing the above.

I think your Dad is trying to cover his A## due to your past actions. Sorry, I know pointing this out isn't going to score any brownie points with you, but part of recovery is taking responsibility for our actions. We must be accountable for what we do. If you take risks, you must be willing to deal with the consequences. It's a tough lesson learned by all of us and nobody wants to hear about it. Simple truth, it is reality. That is where we should live our lives. Not in a sea of booze and illusions.

Actions speak louder than words. Once your Dad sees your serious about making changes in your life, he may start trusting you again. Maybe he can learn a valuable lesson from all of this as well. Maybe you can help one another? Like I mentioned earlier, nobody wants to hear the truth, it hurts. After you've been sober for awhile, the gibberish that people like myself spout, starts to make sense. I hope it starts to make sense to you soon. That would mean you're making progress. I hope so. I wish you the best...

peplepew

Yup. I'm loaded with baggage and it doesn't look like I can deal with it.


I think my dad is a big dick and just wants to wash his hands with me. I think its time to break out the ought-six and 12.

Thank you for your time everybody. Sorry for bothering you with my issues. This really isn't the place.

Brookie

I disagree amigo. This is exactly the place for that kind of thing. One of the perils of posting in a place like this is there are lots of folks who have been in exactly the place you're in right now. They want nothing but the best for you, and having ladled out plenty of BS themselves, they've got highly refined ******** detectors.

Don't take offense if they push back a little. It's part of the process. Please do stick around. No need to argue if you disagree. Just read some of the threads and see if you identify with what's being said.

Best,
Joe

Music

Uh-oh!! Here we go with the "Everybody hates me, nobody loves me, guess I'll go eat worms routine." Can't get all the sympathy the way you want it so you're going to threaten to break out the hardware and try to get attention that way.

Pep,You're 35 going on 15. Grow up!!

Andy F

Music

What was it you posted elsewhere that your sponser said to you?

"honesty without love was...?"

Music

"CRUELTY" Andy. I also know I can love someone to death. Sometimes to love is to let go. My point stands.

Kahlia

I read your post about being alone, I understand that isolation is bad however at times it can be good....it gives us time to look at our situations. You need to understand that your father is leery of you and your actions....it is normal after what has happened. As far as being able to sneak into anywhere, you should not have to.....it seems that you want everything yesterday.....it will not happen. Getting sober or clean takes time. You have baggage? WELL, UNPACK.....I did, many people here did. My family do not have anything to do with me and I am GRATEFUL...they are all still drinking and very ill. I am hoping they get better....NEVER give up hope.....people will surprise you. I do think that you are sitting on the pity-pot, I say what I think. That won't help either....you need to sit down and think about what you NEED to do, not want to do. Staying sober should be number one on your list....Keep talking, we are listening and it helps to know that you re NOT alone, even if you think you are.......Kahlia

Linda C.

HI Pep... Glad you reached out here..

I am Linda. I am a recovering alcoholic. What you wrote is how most of us felt.. We understand, we have been there and we care.

What you drink, where you drink, when you drink and how often you drink has nothing to do with it.. In short: If drinking causes us a problem then we have a problem.
This disease is progressive.. Often times we keep drinking until we reach a point where we simply cannot stop.. Its an addiction. It gets ahold of us good.. (smile).. Its called cunning, baffling and powerful.. Sounds like you are seeing that.

If your alcoholic there are only 3 ways out out of this thing.. Get locked up, get covered up or get sobered up.. I was locked up quite a few times, nearly covered up a couple of times and finally sobered up.. I am extremely thankful for that every day.

I can only share what worked for me and countless others.. I got to AA meetings.. I got the Big Book (alcoholics anonymous).. I read it from the beginning thru Chapter 1.. At that point I realized I definately fit. I was an alcoholic.. Chapter 2 is titled "There Is A Solution".. I wanted to know the solution - so started reading again..

I became willing to go to any lengths. I started taking the suggestions from those who had what I wanted.. They told me I had to do what they did. Go to meetings, read the book, get a sponsor and start working the steps..

So, if you have become willing to go to any lengths and you want what we have.. then I pass on what was told to me.. You have to do what we do.. No easier, softer way. No thinking we are special, different or unique... Make the choice to live and get to a meeting..

You never have to drink again or feel this way again..

My best to you........ Linda C.
Nothing changes if nothing changes