brenda1

I have been visiting here quite often and have found all the information so enlightening. Well, I need to vent a bit. One of our friends got a DUI last night. His wife recently left him (partially due to alcohol) and now this. We told him to call if he ever needs a ride but he did not. He called to see if he should test etc.. Anyway, he has a job which requires a drivers license so he will be unable to work. This is awful..anyway, I am hoping this will wake him up and he will either be more responsible about the drinking or he will stop. He is a binge drinker, only weekends I beleive but when he puts em away its bad. In all your experiences what are the chances that this is rock bottom? What can I say to him? or... What should I say if anything? I know I have been posting about myself but I really need some advice for my friend..Thanks- Bren

michaelj

Brenda,

It is commendable that you should be concerned about your friend and his problems. As to rock bottom, I believe that in my experience rock bottom is when you wake up to the fact that you are an alcoholic and that only action on your part will address the problem. When I was drinking I used to fool myself into believing that I was a binge drinker. I was no such thing, I was a regular addict, pure and simple. Of course you can explain to your friend your fears and concerns about his drinking, but it is only he that can face up to the problem. I remember being incredibly offended whenever anyone called my drinking into question. I refused to face the facts and was blind to reason.
I hope your friend finds a way to come to terms with his problems and I hope that if you do broach the matter with him that he does not take offence and allow your concerns to affect your friendship.
I have friends who have been alcoholics for years and I have never raised my concerns about their drinking with them. I have always put their friendship above my desire to offer advice. Cowardly? Probably. They are remain my friends but they also remain alcoholic. I can only hope that they come to realise their problem before it is too late.
I am sorry if I can not give you a definite piece of advice, I can only give you the benefit of my experience.

Best wishes

Michael

Kahlia

I know this is hard BUT you are NOT responsible for your friends problem. Maybe NOT having a ride will wake him up. I would help him IF he really needed to get someplace but HOW willing are you to get involved in his situation. We as alcolholics and addicts KNOW that rock bottom does come...that is why we are in recovery. He is not yet.....talk to him about going to AA, tell him that you see a problem but you care about him. Maybe he will listen to you, I don't really know......I lost a couple of jobs....it did not stop me until I ended up on life support???...Kahlia

FriendofBill

No human can determine anothers bottom.

How can you help, as a friend?

Do not enable
Do not caretake
Do not accept unacceptable behavior

He chose the action (To drink drunk), now he gets to handle the consequence.

When people make it nice and soft on the alcoholic, he NEVER learns to deal with the consequences of his behavior.

I hope it hurts him enough to where he is really to surrender.

brenda1

Thanks for the response. I know I didn't cause this but I know the consequences for him are going to be grave. Additionally, I am not sure how much he remembers about his call(s) last night. My husband who is a cop had to continually repeat himself over and over as if my friend couldnt (or wouldn't) get it. I havent called him today and I won't. I do think he owes me a call. If he does call, and does not remember everything from last night should I tell him? Also, now that I think about it, I probably won't offer advice, it obvious there is a problem and if he does not see it my telling him won't help. Alcohol really does RUIN lives. This stinks.. Thanks again, Bren

Chy

Unfortunatly, he must clean up his own mess. You can be there to support him should he decide to quit, otherwise, it's up to him to deal with and fix. Support is about all you can and should do, the rest is up to him.

You seem like a good friend but friends sometimes must do the hard stuff when a friend is in trouble, and that would be to allow him to go through the consequences of his actions.

CleanDawg

Brenda,
I am hesitant to give advice, but I can share with you my own experience. My girlfriend got a DUI seven months ago, and I believe this was a long time in the coming. She has a very high paying job working with safety and law enforcement and a clean record is a must. So, you'd think a DUI would be a wake up call? Not for her. She continued to drink, stashing the evidence, thinking she could hide it from me and everyone else. It eventually destroyed our relationship. You are correct, alcohol does ruin lives.

Kahlia

My friend who is a Detective just arrested my friend who is an addict...same story...she called me and I said...YOU need help. I cannot help you anymore. Enabling is like buying them more drugs and beer. Don't feel guilty about the consequences he faces, he did it. He knew somewday he would have to face up to his issues, we just NEVER think it might be the day it really happens.....we really are sick people!!!!.....we do get better, when we get ready......kahlia....Blessings

Music

My son got a DUI years ago. Every time he started to complain about the state making him do this, or that, I'd remind him that he's the one who drove while drunk and he needs to do the things he need to do to get his license back. Number one of course is to stay sober. Not one penny did I spend helping him get out of what he created.

Some people interpret "tough love" as being mean. Tough love doesn't mean I stop loving the person, it just means that I step aside and let the person suffer the consequences of their own actions. I realized early on that I can actually love someone to death...meaning, as someone suggested earlier here, that enabling a person is like giving them a blank check to continue the same behavior. Enabling doesn't help, it hinders. Some people blame God. They say, "how could God allow this to happen?" God doesn't enable either. I believe He could stop us if He chose to. He doesn't choose to stop us. I learned through experiencing the guilt, pain, embarrassment and shame caused by my actions. When someone is on the way to their bottom, I step aside and let them pass. There's nothing wrong with letting your friend know you care, but that's as far as I'd go.

hopealwayz

Only he can decide if he has had enough. You could try talking to him and let him know that you are concerned about drinking.

A friend of mine talked to me about my use of alcohol and his concern always stayed in my mind. He helped me realize that I had a problem. I am grateful today that he had the courage to sit down and talk to me.

Even if he is angry at first, one day he will realize that he has someone who truly cares and will be glad to know that he has someone like that.