It's A Sad Thing Isn't It
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Life Is Short
Posts: 2,017
It's A Sad Thing Isn't It
reformated this computer.....cried a few daysbecause I couldn't get in here..and thought why you crying, your not helping yourself stay sober, you think you are but you know your not and i don't serve no purpose here
didnt go to any more aa meetings, hate crying like an idiot in front of people I don't know, heck I hate doing that with people i do know
last meeting was about let go and let God.....got issues with the big guy, i know he's there though..watched the movie hotel rwanda, where was God, sorry big guy BUT
Chy my little butterfly if you read this, I wrote you a letter, my hand writting is so awful, guess my old hands have worked to hard over the years, cold winters dont help shoveling plus..I tossed the letter, one day I will land in your mailbox the letter will probably be typed so you understand what this old brain has to say.
I will be 50 in Dec.....my body that is, I ain't....
I've had time to think about things, and I keep learning, where I grew up, think about this for a sec or two, you get attached to kids and it's so easy, kids brought into your home, tossed out kids, and you love them as soon as they land there, imagine no one wanting you when your a baby, a kid, anyway, I know a part of my hurt is from that, so many kids came and went in that house, I had my own pain from it, but didn't know at the time.
Last week I thought, I need to go to that house, knock at the door, and try so hard not to fall apart asking to talk to the lady there, ask her if she knows the history in the house she lives in....I figured she'd think I was some nutcase off the street, but I'd have a few pics showing her that house, and I could give her all the details of it, right down to the apple trees in the backyard.....anyway I figured it wasn't a good idea, but I know I need to walk through that house.......
funny how things happen, a couple days ago hubby figures we should go down that road...I felt myself get so tense, it was awful, but I let him drive by, he must sorta know something, don't know, anyway we drove by it, my heart, damn my heart hurt, all of me hurt, the feelings so sad empty, he said something to me, I can't remember now, just told him keep driving, to many ghosts there to many kept myself together was hard but i did
is this why I keep drinking, I wish I knew, i wish I knew if I inherited this...i wish i had an chocolate icecream cone now....instead of all of this stuppid ******** in my head
i had a date set, yep again, all it takes is hubs caling from work saying hes stoppin for beer its like i'm programed dont know, i will probably do this till I die so i dont belong here, somethin makes me keep coming back here i think i know why you guys are like me you all understad still dont make it right in my mind
didnt go to any more aa meetings, hate crying like an idiot in front of people I don't know, heck I hate doing that with people i do know
last meeting was about let go and let God.....got issues with the big guy, i know he's there though..watched the movie hotel rwanda, where was God, sorry big guy BUT
Chy my little butterfly if you read this, I wrote you a letter, my hand writting is so awful, guess my old hands have worked to hard over the years, cold winters dont help shoveling plus..I tossed the letter, one day I will land in your mailbox the letter will probably be typed so you understand what this old brain has to say.
I will be 50 in Dec.....my body that is, I ain't....
I've had time to think about things, and I keep learning, where I grew up, think about this for a sec or two, you get attached to kids and it's so easy, kids brought into your home, tossed out kids, and you love them as soon as they land there, imagine no one wanting you when your a baby, a kid, anyway, I know a part of my hurt is from that, so many kids came and went in that house, I had my own pain from it, but didn't know at the time.
Last week I thought, I need to go to that house, knock at the door, and try so hard not to fall apart asking to talk to the lady there, ask her if she knows the history in the house she lives in....I figured she'd think I was some nutcase off the street, but I'd have a few pics showing her that house, and I could give her all the details of it, right down to the apple trees in the backyard.....anyway I figured it wasn't a good idea, but I know I need to walk through that house.......
funny how things happen, a couple days ago hubby figures we should go down that road...I felt myself get so tense, it was awful, but I let him drive by, he must sorta know something, don't know, anyway we drove by it, my heart, damn my heart hurt, all of me hurt, the feelings so sad empty, he said something to me, I can't remember now, just told him keep driving, to many ghosts there to many kept myself together was hard but i did
is this why I keep drinking, I wish I knew, i wish I knew if I inherited this...i wish i had an chocolate icecream cone now....instead of all of this stuppid ******** in my head
i had a date set, yep again, all it takes is hubs caling from work saying hes stoppin for beer its like i'm programed dont know, i will probably do this till I die so i dont belong here, somethin makes me keep coming back here i think i know why you guys are like me you all understad still dont make it right in my mind
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Oh Just...
I am sorry you are in such pain.
Have you considered a rehab? Or a therapist?
I cried a river in my early AA meetings too. After my depression left...I slowed down.
I was 53 when I finally got sober.
Please keep trying..Blessings
I am sorry you are in such pain.
Have you considered a rehab? Or a therapist?
I cried a river in my early AA meetings too. After my depression left...I slowed down.
I was 53 when I finally got sober.
Please keep trying..Blessings
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,432
I doubt if she'd think you were a nutcase. There's some pain there that you would do well to resolve.
Yes, you do belong here, my friend.
And no, it isn't sad now that you're here posting about it.
Take care, and keep in touch.
Don S
Yes, you do belong here, my friend.
And no, it isn't sad now that you're here posting about it.
Take care, and keep in touch.
Don S
NOT EVEN 1 CLUB!!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: When I find myself, I'll let you know!
Posts: 1,835
(((Denise))) Happy to see you here!!! Keep posting and working through the stuff in your head! You're doing great!! Get it out so you can heal!!
And BTW, I've been going to AA meetings for a year now, and I was crying a couple of weeks ago. It just happens. I just didn't feel right and when I started talking the tears just fell. It's alright to cry, even though we don't like to!!
Much love going out to you my friend,
Missy
And BTW, I've been going to AA meetings for a year now, and I was crying a couple of weeks ago. It just happens. I just didn't feel right and when I started talking the tears just fell. It's alright to cry, even though we don't like to!!
Much love going out to you my friend,
Missy
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Washington
Posts: 5,093
(((Denise)))
You will find you way. Keep searching. We do understand your pain. SR is here to help those who are still suffering. It is not just for those who's life is running smoothly for the time being. We need you here as much as you need us. I worry about you when you are gone. I'm sorry that you are hurting, but I'm very glad you took the time to let us know that you are still out there. Take care Denise... You are on my daily prayer list as well. You will get this right one day. You can work throught the pain. Never give up. You are a dear, wonderful woman. You deserve to find happiness.
You will find you way. Keep searching. We do understand your pain. SR is here to help those who are still suffering. It is not just for those who's life is running smoothly for the time being. We need you here as much as you need us. I worry about you when you are gone. I'm sorry that you are hurting, but I'm very glad you took the time to let us know that you are still out there. Take care Denise... You are on my daily prayer list as well. You will get this right one day. You can work throught the pain. Never give up. You are a dear, wonderful woman. You deserve to find happiness.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Life Is Short
Posts: 2,017
Thanks for your prayers and understanding....I gotta tell you I feel so foolish....just call me flipper.
Don't really know what to say, other then I'm real tired of coming in here after I've drank and post, it would be better if I could do it sober, guess it's letting me know what I've had bottled up for to long, learning to sort out feelings that have never been dealt with.....who really knows how to do that at a young age? then BOOM later on it blows up big time on you. I didn't realise how much that hurt having those kids, babies come into my life....then they would leave, some would be there a short time, others for months, so a part of you left with them, and boy did that hurt. It's amazing how easy it is to get attached to babies, kids, so easy to love them. It hurts too the kids that were left behind once both of my parents were gone...that part is the worse, how badly their lives where altered, I've carried that with me for a long time too, felt I should have taken them in, it wouldn't have worked out, but the guilt sometimes....my ******** sis calls here constantly, the past few days she's called up to 10 times....she says she's worried about me, asks me what's wrong with me? I tell her nothing is wrong...isn't that funny....don't ever under estimate a ******** person, they are smarter then what some think...I've questioned myself on that one at times too, which one of us is really the mentally ******** one?
Yesterday was going so good, my daughter spent the afternoon with me, everything was so good, she asked me to go out for supper with a couple of her friends, pretty cool isn't it? wanting old mom to go out with them....I said no, but thanks maybe another time, BIG MISTAKE...he calls from work later, mentions bringing home some beer, I told him I didn't care what he did, figured he'd pick up on my voice, PLEASE DON'T, but same old routine, funny how he has me in control with this huge issue...as many times as I tell him I need to stop and all the rest of it, he still persists.....yep can't blame him, but it's so hard, I think I need a divorce or something, actually I don't know what I need anymore. I'm sober now put in a yuck day, but what's new eh, you wanna play you gotta pay, I don't want to play anymore so I don't get that part, don't get any of it anymore, been trying to figure this out for to long now, only to get slammed back again.
You've all given me the best advice, plus, I wonder what I'm so afraid of, why does my mind not want to be happy, well, is that such a bad thing? I don't think so, is it because I've felt this way for the biggest part of my life, I don't know any different? my brain thinks this is normal?
I commend all of you who've figured it out, the strength that you've found, and I pray you KEEP IT, GUARD it with your life, don't you dare come back this way, it's to hard to get going again.
Well we got no one to blame but ourselves, thanks again for all your kind words and prayers, I sorta stopped talking to the big guy for now, I sorta stopped doing pretty much everything to help myself at the moment, not giving up, just tired of fighting this so hard. I wasn't coming back, I tossed everything I had backed up, I even tossed the disk to get back on line....I tell you the first week was awful, I sat and cried. I did get lots of put off jobs done, my arm still hinders me, yep three months since I got hurt, and still have a ways to go, real slow process. Anyway I called my server up, they sent another disk, and the rest is history.
Please bear with me, and thanks for not giving up on this old girl.
Lots of love, tons of hugs......Denise --> (it's official not playing with a full deck, I know I checked, can't seem to find the Queen of hearts)
Don't really know what to say, other then I'm real tired of coming in here after I've drank and post, it would be better if I could do it sober, guess it's letting me know what I've had bottled up for to long, learning to sort out feelings that have never been dealt with.....who really knows how to do that at a young age? then BOOM later on it blows up big time on you. I didn't realise how much that hurt having those kids, babies come into my life....then they would leave, some would be there a short time, others for months, so a part of you left with them, and boy did that hurt. It's amazing how easy it is to get attached to babies, kids, so easy to love them. It hurts too the kids that were left behind once both of my parents were gone...that part is the worse, how badly their lives where altered, I've carried that with me for a long time too, felt I should have taken them in, it wouldn't have worked out, but the guilt sometimes....my ******** sis calls here constantly, the past few days she's called up to 10 times....she says she's worried about me, asks me what's wrong with me? I tell her nothing is wrong...isn't that funny....don't ever under estimate a ******** person, they are smarter then what some think...I've questioned myself on that one at times too, which one of us is really the mentally ******** one?
Yesterday was going so good, my daughter spent the afternoon with me, everything was so good, she asked me to go out for supper with a couple of her friends, pretty cool isn't it? wanting old mom to go out with them....I said no, but thanks maybe another time, BIG MISTAKE...he calls from work later, mentions bringing home some beer, I told him I didn't care what he did, figured he'd pick up on my voice, PLEASE DON'T, but same old routine, funny how he has me in control with this huge issue...as many times as I tell him I need to stop and all the rest of it, he still persists.....yep can't blame him, but it's so hard, I think I need a divorce or something, actually I don't know what I need anymore. I'm sober now put in a yuck day, but what's new eh, you wanna play you gotta pay, I don't want to play anymore so I don't get that part, don't get any of it anymore, been trying to figure this out for to long now, only to get slammed back again.
You've all given me the best advice, plus, I wonder what I'm so afraid of, why does my mind not want to be happy, well, is that such a bad thing? I don't think so, is it because I've felt this way for the biggest part of my life, I don't know any different? my brain thinks this is normal?
I commend all of you who've figured it out, the strength that you've found, and I pray you KEEP IT, GUARD it with your life, don't you dare come back this way, it's to hard to get going again.
Well we got no one to blame but ourselves, thanks again for all your kind words and prayers, I sorta stopped talking to the big guy for now, I sorta stopped doing pretty much everything to help myself at the moment, not giving up, just tired of fighting this so hard. I wasn't coming back, I tossed everything I had backed up, I even tossed the disk to get back on line....I tell you the first week was awful, I sat and cried. I did get lots of put off jobs done, my arm still hinders me, yep three months since I got hurt, and still have a ways to go, real slow process. Anyway I called my server up, they sent another disk, and the rest is history.
Please bear with me, and thanks for not giving up on this old girl.
Lots of love, tons of hugs......Denise --> (it's official not playing with a full deck, I know I checked, can't seem to find the Queen of hearts)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Originally Posted by Justme!
I commend all of you who've figured it out
Only thing I've figured out is how to make it to bed sober today.
Even that's debatable, if you throw in serenity expectations and crankyness levels...
I start all over when I open my eyes tomorrow morning.
There is really no other way, for a lot of us.
Hugs down 17 Denise.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Denise,
They used to have this saying
**{ARE YOU BETTER OFF WITH HIM OR, BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM}}}
Doesn't sound like you get good support from the home front.
This sounds sad but, you telling me how bad you feel makes me more determined not to drink. I've stayed sober easier from the people that get locked up and covered up then, I do from the people that stay sober. I felt like I'd ran out of options coming into AA.
Denise,
hon throw down that shovel if, you're tired of hitting your bottom. Life is good sober and it's pure hell drunk and on drugs plain and simple.
They used to have this saying
**{ARE YOU BETTER OFF WITH HIM OR, BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM}}}
Doesn't sound like you get good support from the home front.
This sounds sad but, you telling me how bad you feel makes me more determined not to drink. I've stayed sober easier from the people that get locked up and covered up then, I do from the people that stay sober. I felt like I'd ran out of options coming into AA.
Denise,
hon throw down that shovel if, you're tired of hitting your bottom. Life is good sober and it's pure hell drunk and on drugs plain and simple.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Life Is Short
Posts: 2,017
I love you guys, yep love you all, funny we've never met, but I can feel you all, feel happiness, sadness, tons of HOPE.
(((Dan))) a few days ago driving the highway I felt you, felt you big time, I kept driving and had a big smile on my face, I think our spirits passed each other, hey you keep going to bed SOBER, no regrets, shame or the rest of the crap that comes with this.......or I'll have to make a fast trip your way, oh I bet that scares you eh?
(((Chris))) if me drinking helps you stay sober, I wish I could say I'm happy to oblidge, but I just can't, lol, it's gonna kill me, can't have that happen. About hubby not to many woman would have stayed married to him, he's not a bad man, he needs a few more lessons with compassion, that's where I come in, guess there's a reason I've been put here, I always wanted to be a teacher, and I've been given a pretty big challenge with this man, he's learning and he's changing, it's been slow mind you, hey it must be because he's an old geezer now, he's getting tired, I think I'll bring that up to him later.
(((Chy))) (((LeAnne))) (((Anna))) thanks so much, I will keep digging, being sober is tons better. Guess what Chy looks like me, we both have chubby cheeks, um upper that is, maybe lower too, who knows, can't see there, thank goodness, ok I'm shutting up.
(((Carol))) (((Don))) (((Trish))) (((Kellie))) (((Laura))) thanks so much, smiling at you all, amazing gang. (((Missy))) I'm so proud of you young one, you have me bursting at the seams, oh to be your age again, and went to AA when I wanted to, but let someone sway me out of it, smacks my head, the years of grief, heartache I would have saved myself.
I was thinking again, realised how blessed I was being raised in that home, what it taught me, who knows how I would have turned out if I had not have been raised there, maybe some selfish, greedy old good for nothing person, who knows. Mom and Dad where ever you guys are, I have a good hunch where you's are, God let your face keep shining on those two blessed children of your's. I hope you know how much I miss you both, so many years have gone by, so many, and Mom, I forgive you for your sometimes to harsh words, being so strict, I know why you said what you said, gotta tell you, you did scare me at times, lol, jeepers lady, but you've made me a better person for it, didn't you? you knew what you were doing. Bless both of your hearts for giving up your lives to help so many, sooooooooo many unwanted children, sick children. I LOVE YOU two, maybe one day we will meet again, I sure hope so, Dad I can see your sparking blue dancing eyes, I can see you sitting there smiling, I can still hear your laugh after 30 years, thanks for keeping your spirit close. Thanks you both for showing me what was important in life, teaching me how to love, teaching me a person doesn't need everything under the sun to make them happy, wow you guys did good with that one, now about my wardrobe, lol. Anyway thanks for chosing to adopt me and not let me go like all the others, there is a reason why things happen, isn't there?
I made a prayer box, it's real pretty, will make my kids each one also, not sure what my son will think of it, but to bad. Anyway it's sitting right beside me, thanks Chris for that suggestion, it's a good one, you have to see it, as soon as I made it, I could feel it fill up so fast from all the prayers from my SR family, it's glowing, I added my prayers for the day to it, and will keep adding.
Tons of my love, extra tight hugs......Denise <--- in search of the Queen of hearts.
(((Dan))) a few days ago driving the highway I felt you, felt you big time, I kept driving and had a big smile on my face, I think our spirits passed each other, hey you keep going to bed SOBER, no regrets, shame or the rest of the crap that comes with this.......or I'll have to make a fast trip your way, oh I bet that scares you eh?
(((Chris))) if me drinking helps you stay sober, I wish I could say I'm happy to oblidge, but I just can't, lol, it's gonna kill me, can't have that happen. About hubby not to many woman would have stayed married to him, he's not a bad man, he needs a few more lessons with compassion, that's where I come in, guess there's a reason I've been put here, I always wanted to be a teacher, and I've been given a pretty big challenge with this man, he's learning and he's changing, it's been slow mind you, hey it must be because he's an old geezer now, he's getting tired, I think I'll bring that up to him later.
(((Chy))) (((LeAnne))) (((Anna))) thanks so much, I will keep digging, being sober is tons better. Guess what Chy looks like me, we both have chubby cheeks, um upper that is, maybe lower too, who knows, can't see there, thank goodness, ok I'm shutting up.
(((Carol))) (((Don))) (((Trish))) (((Kellie))) (((Laura))) thanks so much, smiling at you all, amazing gang. (((Missy))) I'm so proud of you young one, you have me bursting at the seams, oh to be your age again, and went to AA when I wanted to, but let someone sway me out of it, smacks my head, the years of grief, heartache I would have saved myself.
I was thinking again, realised how blessed I was being raised in that home, what it taught me, who knows how I would have turned out if I had not have been raised there, maybe some selfish, greedy old good for nothing person, who knows. Mom and Dad where ever you guys are, I have a good hunch where you's are, God let your face keep shining on those two blessed children of your's. I hope you know how much I miss you both, so many years have gone by, so many, and Mom, I forgive you for your sometimes to harsh words, being so strict, I know why you said what you said, gotta tell you, you did scare me at times, lol, jeepers lady, but you've made me a better person for it, didn't you? you knew what you were doing. Bless both of your hearts for giving up your lives to help so many, sooooooooo many unwanted children, sick children. I LOVE YOU two, maybe one day we will meet again, I sure hope so, Dad I can see your sparking blue dancing eyes, I can see you sitting there smiling, I can still hear your laugh after 30 years, thanks for keeping your spirit close. Thanks you both for showing me what was important in life, teaching me how to love, teaching me a person doesn't need everything under the sun to make them happy, wow you guys did good with that one, now about my wardrobe, lol. Anyway thanks for chosing to adopt me and not let me go like all the others, there is a reason why things happen, isn't there?
I made a prayer box, it's real pretty, will make my kids each one also, not sure what my son will think of it, but to bad. Anyway it's sitting right beside me, thanks Chris for that suggestion, it's a good one, you have to see it, as soon as I made it, I could feel it fill up so fast from all the prayers from my SR family, it's glowing, I added my prayers for the day to it, and will keep adding.
Tons of my love, extra tight hugs......Denise <--- in search of the Queen of hearts.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Denise,
after getting sober, all the other problems in life just kind of got solved without much ado.
No matter what, if I don't drink today it's going to be a good day. I take a drink, I'll be in here whinning about how life sux
Any one spouse, family or friend that helps to make me drink; has to be removed from my life. I drink again, I believe I'll die. I spent 43 years trying to kill my self off. I want to spend the rest of my life living
after getting sober, all the other problems in life just kind of got solved without much ado.
No matter what, if I don't drink today it's going to be a good day. I take a drink, I'll be in here whinning about how life sux
Any one spouse, family or friend that helps to make me drink; has to be removed from my life. I drink again, I believe I'll die. I spent 43 years trying to kill my self off. I want to spend the rest of my life living
Putting it all together
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: St. Louis, MO.
Posts: 469
I Get It.....
Originally Posted by Justme!
Thanks for your prayers and understanding....I gotta tell you I feel so foolish....just call me flipper.
Don't really know what to say, other then I'm real tired of coming in here after I've drank and post, it would be better if I could do it sober, guess it's letting me know what I've had bottled up for to long, learning to sort out feelings that have never been dealt with.....who really knows how to do that at a young age? then BOOM later on it blows up big time on you. I didn't realise how much that hurt having those kids, babies come into my life....then they would leave, some would be there a short time, others for months, so a part of you left with them, and boy did that hurt. It's amazing how easy it is to get attached to babies, kids, so easy to love them. It hurts too the kids that were left behind once both of my parents were gone...that part is the worse, how badly their lives where altered, I've carried that with me for a long time too, felt I should have taken them in, it wouldn't have worked out, but the guilt sometimes....my ******** sis calls here constantly, the past few days she's called up to 10 times....she says she's worried about me, asks me what's wrong with me? I tell her nothing is wrong...isn't that funny....don't ever under estimate a ******** person, they are smarter then what some think...I've questioned myself on that one at times too, which one of us is really the mentally ******** one?
Yesterday was going so good, my daughter spent the afternoon with me, everything was so good, she asked me to go out for supper with a couple of her friends, pretty cool isn't it? wanting old mom to go out with them....I said no, but thanks maybe another time, BIG MISTAKE...he calls from work later, mentions bringing home some beer, I told him I didn't care what he did, figured he'd pick up on my voice, PLEASE DON'T, but same old routine, funny how he has me in control with this huge issue...as many times as I tell him I need to stop and all the rest of it, he still persists.....yep can't blame him, but it's so hard, I think I need a divorce or something, actually I don't know what I need anymore. I'm sober now put in a yuck day, but what's new eh, you wanna play you gotta pay, I don't want to play anymore so I don't get that part, don't get any of it anymore, been trying to figure this out for to long now, only to get slammed back again.
You've all given me the best advice, plus, I wonder what I'm so afraid of, why does my mind not want to be happy, well, is that such a bad thing? I don't think so, is it because I've felt this way for the biggest part of my life, I don't know any different? my brain thinks this is normal?
I commend all of you who've figured it out, the strength that you've found, and I pray you KEEP IT, GUARD it with your life, don't you dare come back this way, it's to hard to get going again.
Well we got no one to blame but ourselves, thanks again for all your kind words and prayers, I sorta stopped talking to the big guy for now, I sorta stopped doing pretty much everything to help myself at the moment, not giving up, just tired of fighting this so hard. I wasn't coming back, I tossed everything I had backed up, I even tossed the disk to get back on line....I tell you the first week was awful, I sat and cried. I did get lots of put off jobs done, my arm still hinders me, yep three months since I got hurt, and still have a ways to go, real slow process. Anyway I called my server up, they sent another disk, and the rest is history.
Please bear with me, and thanks for not giving up on this old girl.
Lots of love, tons of hugs......Denise --> (it's official not playing with a full deck, I know I checked, can't seem to find the Queen of hearts)
Don't really know what to say, other then I'm real tired of coming in here after I've drank and post, it would be better if I could do it sober, guess it's letting me know what I've had bottled up for to long, learning to sort out feelings that have never been dealt with.....who really knows how to do that at a young age? then BOOM later on it blows up big time on you. I didn't realise how much that hurt having those kids, babies come into my life....then they would leave, some would be there a short time, others for months, so a part of you left with them, and boy did that hurt. It's amazing how easy it is to get attached to babies, kids, so easy to love them. It hurts too the kids that were left behind once both of my parents were gone...that part is the worse, how badly their lives where altered, I've carried that with me for a long time too, felt I should have taken them in, it wouldn't have worked out, but the guilt sometimes....my ******** sis calls here constantly, the past few days she's called up to 10 times....she says she's worried about me, asks me what's wrong with me? I tell her nothing is wrong...isn't that funny....don't ever under estimate a ******** person, they are smarter then what some think...I've questioned myself on that one at times too, which one of us is really the mentally ******** one?
Yesterday was going so good, my daughter spent the afternoon with me, everything was so good, she asked me to go out for supper with a couple of her friends, pretty cool isn't it? wanting old mom to go out with them....I said no, but thanks maybe another time, BIG MISTAKE...he calls from work later, mentions bringing home some beer, I told him I didn't care what he did, figured he'd pick up on my voice, PLEASE DON'T, but same old routine, funny how he has me in control with this huge issue...as many times as I tell him I need to stop and all the rest of it, he still persists.....yep can't blame him, but it's so hard, I think I need a divorce or something, actually I don't know what I need anymore. I'm sober now put in a yuck day, but what's new eh, you wanna play you gotta pay, I don't want to play anymore so I don't get that part, don't get any of it anymore, been trying to figure this out for to long now, only to get slammed back again.
You've all given me the best advice, plus, I wonder what I'm so afraid of, why does my mind not want to be happy, well, is that such a bad thing? I don't think so, is it because I've felt this way for the biggest part of my life, I don't know any different? my brain thinks this is normal?
I commend all of you who've figured it out, the strength that you've found, and I pray you KEEP IT, GUARD it with your life, don't you dare come back this way, it's to hard to get going again.
Well we got no one to blame but ourselves, thanks again for all your kind words and prayers, I sorta stopped talking to the big guy for now, I sorta stopped doing pretty much everything to help myself at the moment, not giving up, just tired of fighting this so hard. I wasn't coming back, I tossed everything I had backed up, I even tossed the disk to get back on line....I tell you the first week was awful, I sat and cried. I did get lots of put off jobs done, my arm still hinders me, yep three months since I got hurt, and still have a ways to go, real slow process. Anyway I called my server up, they sent another disk, and the rest is history.
Please bear with me, and thanks for not giving up on this old girl.
Lots of love, tons of hugs......Denise --> (it's official not playing with a full deck, I know I checked, can't seem to find the Queen of hearts)
Your husband is NOT responsible for your drinking. He cannot read your mind....you can tell hi "NO, do not get any BEER". I know that is hard for you right now, everything is. Survival is. I hear a lot of excuses about your life..your daughter invites you out, you do not go....I want to be miserable instead. I am not bashing you, I am being honest. Sitting on the pity-pot will not get you sober, it will get you DEAD. I so FEEL for you and what you are going through-that empty hole that you will NOT fill with anything. I also have been upset with the "BIG "guy as you call him. It was another excuse to keep up my old behaviors. Letting go of a dysfunctional relationship is extremely difficult....I have done it with my WHOLE family. It hurts. What is your hubby giving you? You say you need to divoprce him,. then you say he is getting better.....????? You sound a little confused. PUT down the bottle and help yourself. You can do it. You praise us for it...what about you.....do you just want to be unhappy??? You are 50, that is young, not old. I am 25 and that is half your age but I feel like I am olderbecause of what I know. I know about that house that you are talking about...you are not ready to got here and ask the lady that lives there anything yet. It took me 3 years after getting clean to go to the house I was raised in and then I threw up.....a response from the abuse that happened there. I tend to say things exactly the way I feel them, no sugar coating......QUIT DRINKING and do something with your life.....GEEEEEZZZZZ.......Kahlia
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Life Is Short
Posts: 2,017
Holy cow, holy smokes, holy moly 
Now hold on a sec Kahlia, I ain't quite 50 yet....Dec Dec.
Great post, almost knocked me off the chair I'm sitting on, I think I felt you shaking me.
I see you're a spunky one, good on you, and pretty wise doubly good.
You got it, guess I'm a bit confused, (understatement) it would take a long post to explain everything as far as the hubs goes, I've repeatly said NO, I even told him to move out.....ok ok I'm shutting up, probably an excuse wrapped around those words again, I pretty much have them all covered. I'm not stupid, I see things clearly, insecure is the word that basically describes me, not a pretty word, something makes us the way we are, doesn't it? some of us find it hard to change, and it's not from a lack of trying....gotta be honest.
Don't think I'm on the pity pot, just a lot of stuff in my head, but guess when a person sits and looks in from the outside they see things in a different light, I know I'm good with that with others, not so good with this person typing now.
Thanks for the JOLT oh young wise one, nothing to sugar coat here, this is an ugly thing period, it KILLS and takes SOULS.
I'm so sorry you've had a tough go with life, and happy you've changed things, a brave soul you are. I can only imagine how you felt walking through a house that has hurt you, I hope it gave you some peace, left your pain there for good.
Thanks for your post, I hope your life is good, you have a lot of wonderful years ahead of you, and your wisdom will take you places...sitting here smiling.
Thanks again for the kick in the a$$....yowza.
Now hold on a sec Kahlia, I ain't quite 50 yet....Dec Dec.
Great post, almost knocked me off the chair I'm sitting on, I think I felt you shaking me.
I see you're a spunky one, good on you, and pretty wise doubly good.
You got it, guess I'm a bit confused, (understatement) it would take a long post to explain everything as far as the hubs goes, I've repeatly said NO, I even told him to move out.....ok ok I'm shutting up, probably an excuse wrapped around those words again, I pretty much have them all covered. I'm not stupid, I see things clearly, insecure is the word that basically describes me, not a pretty word, something makes us the way we are, doesn't it? some of us find it hard to change, and it's not from a lack of trying....gotta be honest.
Don't think I'm on the pity pot, just a lot of stuff in my head, but guess when a person sits and looks in from the outside they see things in a different light, I know I'm good with that with others, not so good with this person typing now.
Thanks for the JOLT oh young wise one, nothing to sugar coat here, this is an ugly thing period, it KILLS and takes SOULS.
I'm so sorry you've had a tough go with life, and happy you've changed things, a brave soul you are. I can only imagine how you felt walking through a house that has hurt you, I hope it gave you some peace, left your pain there for good.
Thanks for your post, I hope your life is good, you have a lot of wonderful years ahead of you, and your wisdom will take you places...sitting here smiling.
Thanks again for the kick in the a$$....yowza.
Putting it all together
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: St. Louis, MO.
Posts: 469
Holy Shamoly.........
Originally Posted by Justme!
Holy cow, holy smokes, holy moly
Now hold on a sec Kahlia, I ain't quite 50 yet....Dec Dec.
Great post, almost knocked me off the chair I'm sitting on, I think I felt you shaking me.
I see you're a spunky one, good on you, and pretty wise doubly good.
You got it, guess I'm a bit confused, (understatement) it would take a long post to explain everything as far as the hubs goes, I've repeatly said NO, I even told him to move out.....ok ok I'm shutting up, probably an excuse wrapped around those words again, I pretty much have them all covered. I'm not stupid, I see things clearly, insecure is the word that basically describes me, not a pretty word, something makes us the way we are, doesn't it? some of us find it hard to change, and it's not from a lack of trying....gotta be honest.
Don't think I'm on the pity pot, just a lot of stuff in my head, but guess when a person sits and looks in from the outside they see things in a different light, I know I'm good with that with others, not so good with this person typing now.
Thanks for the JOLT oh young wise one, nothing to sugar coat here, this is an ugly thing period, it KILLS and takes SOULS.
I'm so sorry you've had a tough go with life, and happy you've changed things, a brave soul you are. I can only imagine how you felt walking through a house that has hurt you, I hope it gave you some peace, left your pain there for good.
Thanks for your post, I hope your life is good, you have a lot of wonderful years ahead of you, and your wisdom will take you places...sitting here smiling.
Thanks again for the kick in the a$$....yowza.
Now hold on a sec Kahlia, I ain't quite 50 yet....Dec Dec.
Great post, almost knocked me off the chair I'm sitting on, I think I felt you shaking me.
I see you're a spunky one, good on you, and pretty wise doubly good.
You got it, guess I'm a bit confused, (understatement) it would take a long post to explain everything as far as the hubs goes, I've repeatly said NO, I even told him to move out.....ok ok I'm shutting up, probably an excuse wrapped around those words again, I pretty much have them all covered. I'm not stupid, I see things clearly, insecure is the word that basically describes me, not a pretty word, something makes us the way we are, doesn't it? some of us find it hard to change, and it's not from a lack of trying....gotta be honest.
Don't think I'm on the pity pot, just a lot of stuff in my head, but guess when a person sits and looks in from the outside they see things in a different light, I know I'm good with that with others, not so good with this person typing now.
Thanks for the JOLT oh young wise one, nothing to sugar coat here, this is an ugly thing period, it KILLS and takes SOULS.
I'm so sorry you've had a tough go with life, and happy you've changed things, a brave soul you are. I can only imagine how you felt walking through a house that has hurt you, I hope it gave you some peace, left your pain there for good.
Thanks for your post, I hope your life is good, you have a lot of wonderful years ahead of you, and your wisdom will take you places...sitting here smiling.
Thanks again for the kick in the a$$....yowza.
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