CAPTAINZING2000

HMMMM,

I'm not certain of a lot of things. I'm certain nothing changes unless something changes. I'm convinced it's better to be living in the solution instaed of the problem.

I know, from my past experinece, I can't drink. I pick up one drink the $hit starts off where I left off. I can however, keep going to meetings and working this program

I'm sitting here today thinking, I can get by without as many meetings. i do this for a while until I get a little squirrely.

Denise,

if what you're doing is brining you misery, maybe it's time to change


((((HUGS))))

chris

wingsfree

Um oh where to start.

First off my heart breaks seeing what others have done to you, you ever wonder what made them the way they are? were? I hope they've changed.

My heart sings for you too, seeing you found your way, found the strength to get yourself out of an ugly trap.

I could go on to tell you what's made me insecure, and it will always be with me, that empty hole you speak of, yep I need to fill it with something good, and that would be God. I didn't realise a lot of this till I found this message board, plus another message board for what really ales me....a message board where I have the same things in common, the same feelings.

Your ex pretty much sums up my one and only hubby of 28 years, I've made excuses for his actions while making them for myself, sick isn't it? I fell in the trap if you can't beat them, join them, never in my wildest dreams that it would become a life long enemy. He is changing, a lot has happened over the past couple years with my family, long story, but things are on the mend. Yes the drinking has to STOP, I know that's what your thinking.

No worries, you can't hurt me with your words, you're being very sincere and honest, but I feel like I'm under a microscope with you maybe you're angry at me because I'm a drinking mother, if you are that's ok, I understand, that's been one of my MAJOR concerns with my kids. I've been a good mother, maybe not always there emotionally for them, but the best that I'm capable of, it's a tough job being a mother, real tough.

About the house I grew up in, it's been over 20 years since I last set foot in it, a three bedroom bungalow, one bathroom... it's a HUGE story, it fostered 100 children over the course of I don't know how many years, if you can imagine, plus 4 of us adopted. The house was always full, no abuse, maybe a lack of being nurtured, a person can only spread themselves so thin, right? so something had to lack big time with some of us, I see it with some of my younger brothers.

You have me laughing, yep I've lived 50 years, (almost hehe) I don't know why you say your sorry about that, heck this day and age a person does well to live that long from what I've been seeing where I live.....I will most definately celebrate my 50th year, and will find peace that's been long waited for.

Chris yep change is what it's all about, I was making changes, and it did work, but slid back, will keep working at this however long it takes. I know I can do it.

wingsfree

Oh boy, I need to add here. I thought I was the only one in my family who was feeling the way I have been and do, but nope, I just got off the phone with my older brother....what a rough conversation real rough, he kept starting to cry, he's not doing so well, both my older brothers aren't well.

He kept going on about the kids in our home, he's about 14 years older then I am, so he remembers more, we talked a good hour, my heart in my throat the whole time, knowing exactly how he's feeling, it's been a loss for so many of us who lived there. He talked about our parents...which are his real parents, talked a lot about them, crying inbetween, talked about the kids left behind, he's felt the GUILT I have. I'm so happy those boys accepted us as their real sisters and brothers.

He didn't know I hurt myself and because of drinking, he told me to keep drinking, can you believe that?.....yep all my older brothers are heavy drinkers, one gone now from it, and I know it won't be long before these two will leave also, that really scares me.

Anyway needed to put this somewhere I have no one to talk about it with right now, so sad, and part of me is relieved knowing I wasn't feeling alone on my feelings. I often wondered how those boys have felt, so many coming into their home, what it must of made them lack in, attention big time, what they had to give up, and had no choice. Well I think I'll just go stick my face in my pillow and let the tears flow, not feeling sorry for myself, it's heartbreaking is all, damn heartbreaking.

Ah life, gotta love it eh. We all got our own stories, don't we? Hoping most of them are happy one's, to much sad going on.

progress

Denise, I can SO relate to your difficulties with your husband. The first time I quit drinking I was still single, so it was very simple to ban all alcohol from the house. Right now my husband has agreed to not drink in the house, but I don't know if that will last.

I agree with the others to clearly state "NO! Do NOT bring any alcohol home!" Although it is true that you cannot blame your husband for your drinking, at this point you can (and I can) use all the help and support you can get. The first two nights I started my latest effort to quit drinking, I figured that I wouldn't even bother broaching the subject with him. However, it was not easy to sit there watching him drink while I was in the infancy of my recovery, so I finally asked him to stop. The next night, we had an extremely difficult "heated discussion," but there is no heroism in subjecting yourself to a temptation that you may not be equipped to handle at this point.

No, I don't blame my husband for my drinking problem, but geez... If he were a diabetic who would die if he ate too much sugar, I certainly wouldn't be gorging on Krispy Kremes and Ben and Jerry's every night right in front of him.

Maybe you need to divorce him and maybe you don't. The key for you (and for me) is to realize that left unchecked, your drinking problem is going to kill you at some point if you don't face it. For yourself.

(((HUGS)))

wingsfree

Amen to that.......you know what would be a good thing right now, if mine was told if he drank again it would KILL him today......then I sat and drank in front of him, I just wonder how it would make him feel, it certainly would be one heck of a reality check for him....isn't it a sad thing.

((((wild1forever))))....sorry I'm late on responding to your post. I'm sooooo happy you understand the situation, and I pray you do well keeping sober, finding the strength you need, and your hubby realises what's at stake here....it's not as easy as some might think, but I'm not worried at this point what others think anymore. We're all in different situations, you can't understand till you're in someone else's shoes, right?

My hubs knows exactly how I feel, I could go on and on and on here like I have in the past, the progress in this, me resorting to yelling at him like some mad woman over a year ago, I think about that now and then, how I was that night, I wouldn't let him get ONE word in, just screamed my head off, telling him how I felt, his rotten selfishness, everything isn't about HIM, on and on, the living room was echoing, I remember that part, and thought wow is this really me? He promised not to drink in front of me again.....he slowly worked the booze back into our home, real sad. I know I need to get stronger, he knows how to work me, sad to say....yep I've gotten to darn weak for my own good.

I've gotten weaker, some days I feel defeated, this fight has been going on to long. He thinks it's funny at times, nothing funny about it at all is there? his father is an alocholic, has no faith what's so ever, so he works on his son with this matter.

When I got burnt, hubby promised me he'd stop, I know this isn't about him, but in order for me to be ok, he needs to stop, is that such a bad thing to ask of your spouse? someone you're suppose to be able to lean on, trust, feel safe with? I don't think it's a big request at all.....I told him a long time ago he will be a lonely man.

I was thinking, a few days after I got burnt, I really need to keep those days real close in my mind, the pain was awful, you can only imagine, I still think of people who've had half their bodies burnt, I would want to die, yes. I was sickened just thinking about alcohol, it would make my stomache flip thinking about it, and I honestly thought I was done with it, I was ok with it.....I learned my lesson, maybe my face should have hit the woodstove too, maybe I needed a harsher lesson.

A few days after I got hurt, I had to take my dog outside, as ackward as it was, I was alone...and you know that little voice....yes that rotten little voice, I heard it in the distance, I heard it tell me I wasn't done with it, I started to cry, couldn't believe it, thought what is THAT? what is it, why won't it leave me alone....I've never heard it like I did that morning, it was faint, but it was there to remind me, scarey if you ask me.

We lasted 7 weeks....7 precious weeks, and all it took for me was for him to say, lets have A BEER...doesn't A beer mean ONE.....but nope onward we went again.

Today will be one week, and hasn't been easy, you all know about that, starting over again. I know what I need to do, and will continue to work at it, and find the strength that's in me NOT TO LISTEN to those who won't support me on my discisions be it AA or whatever.....why does that scare my family, I don't understand that part at all? My daughter I can still hear her disappointment when she's known I've drank, I've talked to her about it, trying to explain....then she's upset when she finds out I've went to AA...damned if I do, and damned if I don't. My plan is not to say anything anymore, do what I have to do, just like everyone here.

Wild1forever, thanks so much for your post, thanks so much....I'll work harder along with you finding our way out of this mess..

P.S ((((Kahlia))))) thanks again for the jolt, young wise one, I hope life treats you well.

Much love, tons of hugs......Denise

EINSTEIN

Wow, emotional stuff, but good stuff. I understand the thing about the house. I had to go to the house I lived in growing up. It's now a vet clinic. That made it easier for me to just walk in there. I told the young girl at the counter that I used to live there. She looked at me like she thought I was crazy. I also had to go up the street to the woods where my brother molested me. It was so hard, but after I did it - wow what a weight that was lifted from my shoulders. I know you are having a hard time, but the fact that you keep coming back proves that you haven't given up. I know you are strong enough to get through this. Sometimes it just takes awhile. My heart is with you. Keep working on this.