epiphany

So I'm new here, please tell me if this is the wrong forum for a request like this.

I guess I realized this week that I'm addicted to alcohol, and it's a major thing for me to even wrote or say those words. I'm 26, and have been a heavy binge drinker since I was 17. I don't have a physical craving for alcohol, I guess I'm socially addicted.

I know I've had the DT's before (my 21st bday present to myself) since I was hallucinating and everything for weeks, and less so for at least a year. Anyway, these last few weeks have been really bad.

My new favorite thing to do when I'm near blackout or in blackout is search for coke. I had never even tried coke until recently, but it's getting bad. This last weekend, a 3-day hard-core blackout binge I got myself into trouble and while drinking all night (never slept) i found myself eating vicodin, taking some shrooms, blowing coke and more vicodin all night.

Needless to say, I don't even remember Monday through Wednesday exept for the fact that I couldn't eat or drink, and had to work 14 hours a day (I didn't say one word in those three days and thought that I was going to be fired at evry second). What's worse is that I only had about 20-30% of my mental ability.

It's been getting better, but as I write this one week later I still cannot concentrate, focus well, or feel "normal". All week I obsessed about this, feelings of anxiety, depression, and guilt.... but right now I'm just looking for someone else who has gone through this with these symptoms to say I will be able to think normally soon/again. I think these are all symptoms of alcohol withdrawal, but of course the substance abuse scares me.

This week has shown me that I need to quit drinking, as it is the root cause of all of these problems. I can't compare my drinking to others daily habit for years at a time... but after the week I've had (where I nearly wanted to kill myself) I know this can't be any good!

So I'm on my way out soon for a friend's bday, dinner and clubbing.. and i'm hoping to abstane... but it's never been done before, by me anyway!

Any advice, storiers, support will be very appreciated!

Again, hope this is the right place for this....

Anna

Welcome Epiphany, you are definitely in the right place. It is really scary what we do to ourselves as addicts. My story is similar to yours in that alcohol is my problem but I didn't move on to other things. I caused myself enough grief in 3 years of drinking! I also wondered if the feelings of anxiety, guilt and sadness would ever leave me. They did and you can absolutely get better too. My advice would be to stay away from places where alcohol is being served for awhile at least. I couldn't have managed to abstain for any length of time early on sobriety, if I'd been around alcohol. But, that's just my opinion.

I hope you keep visiting SR and get to know us. We can offer lots of support.

Anna

Chy

Hi and welcome!
Many here have been in your shoes. I hope you'll reconsider the clubbing plans as you know it's just to tempting after your recent ephipany. You have to decide when your ready and if your willing to do whatever it takes to maintain your sobriety. You'll find this community to be very supportive, I hope you stick around!

In memory of miracle

I can certainly relate to what you did and how you felt about it afterward.It was those "afterward feelings" that finally got me into recovery. I would also suggest you stay away from people who will be drinking.I did alot of experimenting and found each time I drank or drugged the results were the same and got worse over a period of time.I use NA and AA as my method of recovery.There are many meetings in your area.I hope you get the help you are looking for.Take care of yourself. Bless, Trish

epiphany

Thanks Anna for the super fast reply. I definitely plan on sticking around the board, as I see a lot of positive things happening here. My real concern is, has anyone else had trouble thinking clearly after 7 days??? I guess it's been getting better every day (certainly better than monday through Thursday), but 7 days is aloong time! My other crazy friends say I should be fine by Monday... but I'm having trouble believing that.

Chy

Though I didn't indulge to the extent you did during the last day's of my drinking, it took several weeks for me to be fully alert, cognitive, and sort things out. What your experiencing with thinking clearly or lack of it is normal. It takes our brains and bodies a lot of time to begin the repair process we've imposed on it. Give yourself time.

lulu70

Just wanted to say "Welcome"! I, too, would highly suggest skipping the night out at this point. I have been clean and sober for over a year, and I still try to avoid situations where there will be lots of drinking.

As far as the state of mind goes, I am not sure I really started thinking clearly for at least a few weeks after my last drunk (in which I drank for over 36 hours straight). It was pretty scary, but it did get better!

Glad you are here, and keep posting.

Aa_vark

Hey epiphany -

I sent you a PM -

i can relate to your story - alot -

i kept it goin for three years further - its not pretty -

we can recover - I needed AA and NA to do that -

Time4Me11

Welcome Epiphany

I wouldn't worry too much yet about not being clear yet considering the load that your body is processing. It is a very individual process...I am still up and down after a month and half.

I'm a NYer also...not too many of us on this board yet, but I have been letting members of the different groups I attend the heads up. I have lists of all kinds of recovery meetings here in NYC if you need any help getting around.

Best Wishes to you!

KelKel

Welcome aboard Epiphany...
When you are truly ready to get clean and sober you will be willing to do the work required to change your lifestyle a bit....
Have a read around the boards and find out how others have tackled the need to use alcohol and/or drugs.
Glad you are here, it is a great first step towards recovery

epiphany

Thanks all.. was actually able to go out tonight and not have anything (except caffiene)... I never thought it would be soo hard, I really wanted to drink.

I have to say it's not nearly as fun! I also got a lot of criticism from people that don't understand.. however if I were on the other side of the table I probably would have said the same things.

What's worse is I don't even have a clue what to do at night that doesn't involve bars and lounges! What do you all do?

Thanks for all the support and tips, really means a lot and calmed my mind about how messed up this is.

CAPTAINZING2000

That's the difference in the make up of our brain to a normal person's way of thinking. We have to retrain our way of thinking. We're obsessed with the drink or the drug.

I went to a wedding and reception this evening. I sat with family all evening long. I watched everyone drinking. I was content with my coffee. I wouldn't have wanted to be there if, my emotions weren't right.

Being in AA for a few years, I've learned to keep my emotions in check. This might be one of the hardest things for people to do coming into AA. We drank when, we were happy, sad, glad and mad. We never were able to have days where we didn't want to feel the way we felt.

Getting sober in the beginning, lots and lots of meetings helped me get a firm foundation for my recovery. Most of us with years of being sober will tell you it's a lot easier to stay sober with a support group. For the most part, most of my social outings do have people from AA involved.

I still have lot of fun in anything I do today w/o drinking

CarolD

Hi and Welcome...

I always did drugs after drinking. Never sober. So like you alcohol was my primary issue.

I never stayed sober hanging out with drinkers. I found sober friends in AA.

When you are serious about saving your sanity and life...get involved with a recovery program.

Chy

I am so happy for you in finding the resolve to stick to your guns. I eventually lost most of my friends anyway and the drinking ones were not supportive. So I found a means of support in AA, that's what worked for me, but you have many options. It's a grieving process as well as a new way of life living sober, but a good way of life.

Keep busy! Take up a hobby, read about the disease of alcoholism, eat well and excersise, it takes time but before you know it, your new life of peace will unfold and you'll be grateful for making the decision to quit. That little demon will always be there trying to convince you otherwise, but eventually you'll be strong in flicking him off your shoulder. Kudos to you today!

lulu70

I felt exactly the same way when I first got sober. For the first six or seven months I thought I still needed the constant social stimulation, and found it through my new friends in AA. Now my social life revolves around my meetings, my family, and my supportive non-AA friends. Today I am going to an Earth Day festival downtown with a friend and her beautiful baby boy. I used to make sure I had drinks and pot before I went to this event. It made it rather complicated. Now I can just go and have a good time without the aid of mood-altering substances. There are LOTS of things to do without drinking/drugs, it just takes a while to re-train your brain to think of those things.

Congrats on making it through the evening sober. Hang in there, and keep posting!

Cathy31

Hi Ephiphany
Great to read your story. I have heard that the meetings in NY are just amazing - although I have to say every AA meeting I have been to has been memorable and enjoyable and I've learnt alot. I just know NY has ALOT of AA meetings to go to what with its size, etc...so! Why don't you check out the location of your nearest aa meeting www.aa.org and give one a go. You will be welcomed with OPEN ARMS...you are still so young, it's a wonderful (and bvery brave) time to stop and get your life back on track. You sound so similar to me....when I was at blackout point I would use ANYTHING - luckily drugs were never available...had they been I am sure I would've been doing what you described...regularly!!! You will make new friends in AA too and learn to do really fun stuff outside of getting wasted. Those feelings afterwards are so so so bad. You never have to feel like that again. THe choice is yours.
We're all here for you -it's great to have you here.
My strong advice : suspend your disbelief and go to an AA meeting...I am so so so glad that I did.
Cathy31
x

epiphany

Hey all,

The support from this forum has been unbelievable and really helpful! I'm definitely thinking about going to an AA meeting. I do have some reservations though, mostly that I'm really young and don't have a daily drinking problem so I might not relate.

I've been doing tons of reading, mostly to get my mind off the fact that I'm still not thinking at 100% and feel a bit lightheaded. It's really frustrating since I can't find a reason why I should have gone into immediate withdrawal. While I regularly would drink this much on a weekend, I think the cocktail of drugs really initiated and amplified the withdrawal symptoms for me... at least that's what I hope b/c withdrawal is temporary and the alternative is unimaginable. Any doctors out there?

Speaking of, I've been thinking of seeing my doctor as a first step. I'm not the MOST social person when I'm sober, and I'm wonderig if I'm succeptable to all this because of some sort of social anxiety. Like I said, I've been a heavy binge drinker for a while, but the last year has been really bad including a breakup with a long-time girlfriend, and my father going through a brain tumor, his long (or short depending on how you look at it) mental/physical degradation, and eventual death. I'm wondering if I'm not depressed and need medication. Any thoughts on pros/cons and how to even ask this of a GP?

I'm sure I'm rambling, and for those of you wondering, yes I did always want to be a doctor. I love to diagnose myself and others. Anyway thanks again to everyone. I don't need urgent help right now so I'm not sure this is the right thread to keep posting to. If not, I'll poke around and try to participate elsewhere Finding this site has been a really good experience!

CarolD

Brain soggy?
Here is a site fill of info...

http://www.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/aa63/aa63.htm


[Sorry for the repeat if you read my orginal post]

progress

Hi Epiphany--

First off, I'm not a doctor. I've been coming to this site off-and-on for about three months; I'm in single digits right now, but I think I truly am committed to recovery this time.

I wanted to share my experience with antidepressants. I have been taking them for about three years or so. At first it was for depression, then it was for a medical condition (sometimes antidepressants are used for nerve pain, but if you want to be a doctor, you probably already know that).

Anyway, I recently decided to stop taking them, just to see if I needed them to control the abdominal pain I had been experiencing in the last year. Maybe it's some huge coincidence, but it seems like after I stopped the drug, that was when I had my own epiphany that I had no choice than to quit drinking. Also, while I was taking them these last years, that was when my drinking really took off, I mean really took off.

Antidepressants are funny things; this was very apparent to me when my doc had put me on Paxil for a short time. I felt like an alien being inside my own body, constantly felt awful.

Perhaps antidepressants are appropriate for you, but please use caution. As each day passes, I am becoming more convinced that they somehow led me to drink even more.

All my best to you.

epiphany

Well that's a scary article... hopefully its not that bad for me.