blackc@

I have been an alcoholic since I was 21 - the year I started was 1994. I always somehow knew that alcohol would fix the darkness inside of me. I drank until 1/6/99, and got sober through AA. My sponsor wasn't supportive, so I quit AA and stayed sober on my own until April of 2002. It's scary how easy it is to start again. So I've been drinking for the last 3 years. Nightly. I can't control it. I know I suffer from depression - my doctor put me on Zoloft 12 days ago. The side effects have been bad. I drank 3 days into it, which made me feel physically a bit better, but ultimately worse. So I was sober for 5 days after that, then missed the alcohol so much that I drank again. But on the Zoloft, it makes me feel more depressed. I know I'm defeating the purpose of being on an anti-depressant when I drink. I got married 8 months ago, and my husband is really worried about me. I can't care for him, when I can't even care for myself. I don't know how to stop drinking. I hate it. It makes me feel so weak. I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder too, which is part of the reason I'm on meds. The alcohol makes me stop feeling the effects of the OCD for a while. I just want to be normal, which is ridiculous, right? Who is normal. I'm just scared. I guess I don't really have a question, just wanted to talk to people who know how scary it can be to feel alone in your own skin. Thanks for listening.

Chy

Hi blackc and welcome!
You will find a great deal of support here. Many in your shoes who also suffer from both alcoholism and depression. I'm sure they'll be along shortly to welcome you. Your most certainly not alone, keep coming back.

goneriding

Welcome Black@

You have definately come to the right place. This forum has played a huge role in my sobriety from opiates and now my beginning sobriety from alcohol. I started taking Wellbutrin, which has really helped me. I was beginning to get so depressed that I would take it out on my family and then myself. I hated waking up everyday to that I don't want to get out of bed feeling - knowing I had to get up and get the kiddos off to school. keep posting and reading this forum, it helped me immensly.

CAPTAINZING2000

Blackc,

unless there's some kind of contract you signed with your sponser, you can fire them at will. Different people need different types of help. Some people need a kick in the A$$ other people will resent that. It's nice to have one you have a lot in common with.

Go back to AA until you find one that suits you y did you start back to drinking??

tyler

I had the same problem with drinking and smoking pot while using anit-depressives. I just didn't understand why they were not working for me!! Could it be the booze and drugs!!! It took me along time to figure that one out. AA is a great program, but if it's not working for you threre are other alternatives out there. You might want to check out Life Ring www.unhooked.com SMARTRecovery http://www.Smartrecovery.org or even Ratonal Recovery www.rational.org or you may want to check out more AA meetings. Every meeting has a different personality and so does every sponsor. One thing is for sure, booze and depression meds do not mix, they can in fact make things worse. Talk to your doctor about your drinking and try looking in to some of the groups I mentioned. Good luck.

Peace,

Tyler

blackc@

Thank you all for replying. I started drinking again because I feel so lost without it. I know it sounds insane. It's a love-hate relationship. It doesn't make things better, it only makes things worse. But it feels good for the first 4 drinks. I really want to get back into AA. I'm just afraid of living life without alcohol. It's a stupid crutch. I tell myself that I need to "hit bottom", but my previous bottom was higher than it is now, which scares the crap out of me. I wish that I could find someone in my home town of Sacramento that could point out a good meeting. Is there a forum here where I could find about about good meetings in my town? To be honest, I'm afraid to go alone. I don't do well walking into a room by myself - although I'm not co-dependent. Just scared of social situations. I guess it's called social anxiety. Pretty messed up, huh?

Time2Surrender

Hi,welcome to SoberRecovery.You were sober in AA before,so you know it can work.Give it another try.Or you can also check out some of the 12 step alteratives.

CAPTAINZING2000

I'm sure there are some people from your area on here if not, I can surf and try and find you some meetings. You might just find some speaker meetings for a while if, you don't want to open up. Everyone coming into AA is nervous about coming into the doors.

We're all here for each others support. I wouldn't be here if, I didn't want to offer you some advice. I'm the biggest quitter you ever saw. I didn't quit on this the stakes are too high. I know what's out there if, I go back out to drinking.

ZYou are welcome here. This is home

Chris

blackc@

Are speaker meetings the best to go to for someone going alone?

I'm so angry at myself. I know the steps, I trust in God, I did so well for such a long time, but I still relapsed. I do believe that AA works, especially for someone like me who already believes in God. That's why I don't understand why I'm so scared now to stop drinking. I know my life was so much better when I was sober. I guess it's the disease that tells me differently. My mind is my own worst enemy.

CarolD

Depression drove me into AA recovery.

At about 3 months..my situational depression fled.

No more depression or anxiety attacks or social disorders or mental hospitals or foggy brain or mood elevators or anti depressants or therapy or phobias or panic attacks or hearing voices or paranoia or suicide atempts for over 15 years.

IMO untreated alcoholism was my core disease. Once I finally quit drinking...God and AA restored me to sanity.

Hope you stick around SR..

hotmarriedguy

Wow blackc, your story sounds familiar. I too had stayed away from alcohol for many years, then 3 years ago started back. I believe I have finally found the support, strength, and tools I need to keep me well.

Ask you doc about possibly trying you on a low dose of Paxil, Wellbutrin, and importantly Campral. You must not drink at all while on Wellbutrin and Paxil has weird effects if you drink while taking it. So, specifically, ask him/her to try you on a low dose of paxil and campral to start, then if you still have bad depression after a couple months then add wellbutrin. Campral has completley removed the cravings I had for alcohol at night - which was the only time I drank. I have OCD and extreme shyness and the combo of paxil and wellbutrin work for me. Zoloft didn't do too much for it for me.

And, keep trying to go to meetings. The combo of getting your brain right and your spirit right is unstoppable power.

Good luck and let me or anyone know if you need any other suggestions.

doorknob

Hi BlackC,

I also have OCD. I make "Monk" and Jack Nicholson in "As Good as it Gets" look normal! I had the OCD before I started drinking and using and when I quit it actually gets worse which is part of the reason it has been so dang hard for me. But... I can't try to get better from the OCD while I'm drinking. I believe the OCD is a deeper problem, but I've put addiction right on top of it and I have to deal with that first and then maybe... maybe I can start working on the OCD. I would suggest going back to AA, and then trying to deal with the OCD symptoms. You might also check out a LifeRing meeting. The closest one to you is in Vacaville. They are usually small and allow crosstalk. It's like having a living room discussion. Here's the link if you're interested. http://www.unhooked.com/meetings/meetings.html I was thinkin'... there seems to be a few of us here with OCD. Maybe we can get a OCD support meeting going on here in the chatroom? Glad you're here at SR. We all need each other!

Doorknob

Chy

Once you find the courage to face that fear and do what you know to work for you, you'll have a different perspective. Find the courage, it's there!

blackc@

I've been drinking since I last wrote. Tonight I've had about 9 rum and cokes. I want so badly to stop, but it's like I just don't want it badly enough. Hate feeling so out of control, but I am. I'm sorry that I seem so self-aware, I'm really not. Just want this to end - the alcoholic part of me.

goneriding

Hi Blackc@:

I use to ride my Harley all through Sacramento. It took me a few times to get it right, I think I had about 6 or 7 day ones before I made it to day two and so on. I read this throughout the day and so far I have not given into the urge to drink.

FORWARD STEPS TO RECOVERY

CONSTRUCTIVE (RELAPSE PREVENTIVE) THINKING
1. Thought Stopping: I’m not going to think about that; I’ve already made my decision.
2. Thought Substitution: I’m in danger — I’d better be alert; I think I’ll call Bob; I think I’ll plan my vacation.
3. Debating/Disputing/Challenging Your Addictive Voice: Where is the evidence? Is this thought or belief true or valid? How does this thought or belief serve my best interest?
4. Coping Statements: This feeling will eventually pass; It’s hard, but not too hard; Condemn the behavior, not the person.
5. Positive Affirmation: I have said no to myself before — I can do so again; I’m going to treasure my sobriety; Even if I have lapsed, I can accept myself
6. Review of Goals (Desirable Outcomes): I want to stop drinking — it’s my goal; I have already decided that I want to keep my relationship with my husband; I want to go home sober.
7. Review of Negative Consequences (Undesirable Outcomes): Eventually, I will lose my job; I can’t take two drinks without taking several more and getting drunk; My relationships will suffer.
8. Do Written Homework (Problem Sheet, ABC Sheet, or Drinking Sheet).
9. Refraining: Look at the situation from another angle or another person’s viewpoint. Look at the benefits of choosing not to engage in the addictive behavior.
10. Rational-Emotive Imagery: Imagine yourself behaving or feeling differently about the situation. Close your eyes and practice responding to someone in a different, more rational, more effective manner.

CONSTRUCTIVE (RELAPSE PREVENTIVE) ACTIONS

1. Get involved in a project or a recreational activity.
2. Walk the other way.
3. If there are any remaining liquor, drugs, sweets, or other addictive substances in the house, throw them out or flush them down the toilet.
4. Call a friend.
5. Fill in a worksheet.
6. Do something intentionally to lift your spirits other than drinking or drugging: e.g., climb a mountain, go for a brisk walk.
7. Have some seltzer or other non-alcoholic beverage.
8. Go to a SMART Recovery meeting. (I believe that these are all over in CA)
9. Divert/enjoy yourself: Exercise, go for a walk, watch TV, play a game, cook, take a hot bath, have a cup of coffee, read the newspaper, listen to music.

I also went to the library and picked up some books about alcoholism. I started with Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp and I am now reading A Million Little Pieces by James Frey. I am fairly new to sobriety and these are just the things I do. Hang in there, if you want it bad enough you'll get it.

3legacy

BlackC:
Welcome to SR and thanks for sharing so much of yourself that I can relate to as another alcoholic. I also relate somewhat with the depression as the Big Book says they could write a whole chapter about my type of alcoholic.

Sounds to me like you have gotten some good advice here. Sounds like you have already decided to go try AA again but need a little assistance in walking through your initial fears to follow the decision with action. With what you've said in this and the other post of your own, I would suggest grabbing the local phone book and ringing up Alcoholics Anonymous.

Calling the local AA District hotline helped me immensely. These days I call them up occassionally just to thank whomever is handling the lines for serving. One time I even met another alcoholic at a fellowship hall an hour before the meeting to talk one on one with. Then I had someone to walk into the meeting and sit down with that already knew a bit about me and vice-a-versa.

I suggest-
Walk through the fear and take the needed action. You said you have already been to AA in the past, so I think you probably already have the answers to what the next indicated action should be. Hope my reiterating them a bit here helps light a small fire to walk through the fear to DO IT. Remember fear usually turns out only to be the boogey-man once the affirmative action has been taken.

((((((((BlackC)))))))))

decayingsinner

Your story sounds very very similar to mine.

KarenOskie

I wanted to find out what meetings were in my area, so I looked up the Atlanta Central Office of AA. I'll bet your town has one, too. I can see all the meetings that go on each day in my area, even though I really live north of Atlanta. I printed them all out and put a checkmark next to the ones I'm going to go to. I hope you can get that service, too. If not, you can always look them up in the phone book.

Time4Me11

Dear Blackc@

Welcome to SR! You have shared a lot about your situation...Your last post says a lot to me....You do sound self-aware, you are aware that you are out of control and desperately want this to end...

I relate to those conditions just as I was "consciously" pushing/flinging myself over the edge...forcing myself towards bottom so that recovery was the only choice. It was too hard just to stop, so I created a situation so bad for myself that I had no choice but to scream out for help. It worked for me; but, I had to use every drop of strength to crawl back...maybe you don't have to go all the way with this??

It just sounds like you don't see a way out except through some dramatic (potentially very harmful) situation.

Take a deep breath and consider your options! You have done this before!!

HUGS in the meantime.

progress

Hey Blackc@, I had over six years in the program and went back out, so I know exactly how you feel. I'm sorry that I have no grand advice for you, but I do understand.

Regarding the Zoloft, I agree that it may be a good idea to get re-evaluated. I was on Paxil for a short time (less than one week), and I truly thought I was losing my mind. Maybe another antidepressant drug will give you better results.