housecatt1

Hi. This might seem weird, but I'm trying to figure out a feeling that I have about wanting to drink, or a feeling of fear of not drinking, I guess. It almost seems like if I can figure this out, I can get past it ... it's worth a try anyway.

I haven't posted very much, so in a nutshell ... I'm a 40-year-old married mom of two and an evening drinker, trying to remain sober, and having some "ok" success on my own (haven't tried meetings yet ... not really wanting to go that route yet anyway, though I know it's an option that's there if/when I feel that I should take it).

I like how I feel (physically and emotionally) so much better on the days after sober nights, but I can't seem to get rid of a nagging "fear of not drinking tonight" (for lack of better words), and it's that nagging that I want to put into words, or figure out.

For example... last night I went out for a good one-hour walk with my husband and two dogs. No alcohol in the house, and no plans to buy any.

But, during the whole walk, all I could think of was not just how great a drink would feel .... but I found I was actually feeling "dread" about arriving home after our walk and not being able to pour a drink. I feared going home
and having to sit in the living room "without a drink" ... and I couldn't put that "dread" feeling into words.

It's not like anything bad happens when I don't drink. To the contrary, I have a very nice time with my family. I don't much like watching hours of television, but I've taken up crochet and keep myself busy. I've even learned (still struggling sometimes) to get myself to sleep easier (rather than drinking myself to sleep).

But that dread is still there nagging at me ... in the evenings only ... like ... "if you don't have a drink, the evening will be terrible" ... but I KNOW it won't be terrible ... I KNOW I have nothing to fear.

So, while I was walking last night and feeling this way, I asked myself "why" I thought drinking would fix this feeling, or what was so terrible about not drinking ... and I had no answers ... and I knew there was no answer ... but the feeling of dread was still there anyway ... like some evil thing that just wouldn't go away. Arrrrrghhhhh!

What IS this fear-feeling ???

Does anyone else experience this ???

Or am I just weird! (Which wouldn't really surprise me ... *lol*)

Thanks for your input!

~Catt

best

Not sure if it would be the same but in different areas, other issues aside from drinking. I would start feeling so good about things and that would bring on a guilt of sorts. I am not worthy of feeling this good type of guilt.
Had to learn how to accept that fact... I am worth it. Today is a new day and yesterday is gone. Learned to forgive myself and grow. I found that to be the root of the stinking thinking for me.

Enjoy that wonderful sober feeling and your family.
You are worth it.

Music

I experienced what you're feeling on the day I decided to go to AA. I was afraid to drink, and afraid not to.

AA gave me things to do to fill up my time and take my mind off drinking, and on to doing something constructive....not drinking. It didn't take long before my fear subsided and a little confidence crept in. If you choose to not go to AA, keep doing what you're doing with the walking, and try some other things you and your hubby can do. Time will pass and you'll discover that you can enjoy your evenings without drinking. It's just not going to happen today. Be patient.

I believe what's talking to you is the mental twist that comes about by forming habits. We get used to habits. Just like smoking. I enjoyed smoking but got tired of how I felt with the coughing and hacking first thing in the morning, etc. I replaced the smoking with exercise and enough time passed so that I don't think about smoking. If however, you experience limited success and you start drinking again, you might consider other options, like AA or another program. There's help there in the form of people who've been through what you're going through and you don't have to do it alone.

Dan

I remember a very long time ago, a friend of mine who was a heavy pot smoker told me...

"You know, I have the worst time when I know that I'm going to get home and I don't have any left. I live in fear of getting home and not being able to relax. If the bag is in the cupboard, I don't necessarily have to smoke any. But I need to know that it's there, otherwise I'm not right."

Twenty some years later, I finally understood what she meant, when I realized the prominent place that alcohol held in my daily routine.

Thanks for your post.

housecatt1

Thanks you guys, for those quick replies!

Hey, Dan. That was really interesting ... because, along the same lines, I've often arrived home happily knowing there was rum in the fridge, and I'd pour myself a good one, but then it would sit there for an hour or more - untouched - while I relaxed on my own.

Hmmm ... a very interesting thing. Thanks for posting that.

Dan

I know...
Just for me, it was yet another sign that I had a serious problem.
When security and a sense of well being come from an inert liquid sitting on a shelf, or in my case, hidden away in the attic, there's something not right.
Discovery of how alcohol really impacts our lives is a personal thing.
The important thing, I think, is that when we're finally ready to take stock, we be as honest as we can.

quercusalba

I can really identify, Catt. I am in the early, early stages of recovery and I'm asking the same kinds of questions. Like Music, however, I've reached a point where I'm just as afraid of drinking as I am of not drinking. Not a comfortable place to be in.

Tonight I am going to an AA meeting... it will be only the fifth or sixth one I've ever been to. The place that alcohol has taken in my life is too large, too overwhelming - it's awful to live in fear like this... fear of not having a drink, fear of having one. Fear of being caught. Fear of losing my husband. Fear all the time. So... I am finally going to give AA a chance to help me shake all this fear.

Thank you for bringing up an interesting topic.

take care, and I wish you all the best,
anne

LucyUK

I understand what you're feeling, I feel it too. I managed 5 months sober before relapsing and I haven't quite decided what to do, I am trying 'controlled' drinking but not much enjoying it. I too am a mother of 2 (little ones) and for me, it is the fear of not being fully relaxed... when I have a drink in my hand (even before I've taken a sip) I feel like it's my time to relax, I don't do anything except attend to the children if they wake, but otherwise, all chores etc get left. When I was sober, I didn't switch off and ended up doing bits and pieces in an evening, and then didn't feel like I've had a *break*.

I know deep down it's my own mental associations and emotions that I need to deal with which is why I think I need to go back to AA, I felt so much better when I attended meetings.

If you don't want to do meetings, I would recommend the 'living sober' AA book for practical advice on how not to drink.

Chy

oh boy housecatt, that was so me!
I was nearly OCD, oh heck maybe I was with that type of thinking. It scared me to think of going an evening without it. It scared me to think I had to function my mom and wifes skills without it, as they preferred me drinking most of the time as I was a very happy drunk and gave every penny away. It scared me to think I would never be able to drink again, it scared me to consider sobriety as for 20 years I had become an alcohol induced personality and lost the ability to express emotion, communicate with my husband, be happy, and feel good unless drinking.

I needed a means of support in facing that fear. I couldn't do it alone, but knew I couldn't go on. Your more normal then you realize. Glad your here!

NoMoBeer

obsession.

lulu70

IMHO, this feeling you speak of is the disease called alcoholism. Plain and simple. I used to have the same crazy thoughts (and worse). Finally, I surrendered to the fact that I simply can not drink.

CAPTAINZING2000

Ken,

you hit the nail with a hammer. It's an obsession. We plan our whole life around the drink. Who's your daddy, why alcohol of course!!!!

Any of my activities revolved around drinking or, an excuse to leave early if, there wasn't any around.

walkertall

I understood exactly what the feeling was from just reading the header. Us ol' alkies know it well. Don't let alcohol fool you. It's a very slick and deadly disease. I'd love to drink a beer, but I'd be drunk in under 2 hours. Get educated on why you have those feelings and above all, Dont drink.

Greatful2004

I know that feeling also. For me, it is alot like Best described, I get to feeling guilty when life is going good. Then, I get restless, and end up drinking to make my life the mess I think it should be.

I've learned this lesson the hard way, with a bunch of relapses.

Try to just give it time. I think you're doing the right thing with the exercise, that's supposed to be the best thing to keep the depression away.

Good luck, and congrats on your sobriety!