Richey

I've been drinking a lot these past 3 days. All signs of any recovery have just gone out the window. I've been sitting up, alone, in the early hours of the morning getting trashed and just crying so hard...so hard I had to grit my teeth so my neighbours wouldn't hear (the banged on the wall).
I don't know what's wrong or why I'm like this but everything seems so sad and pointless. I read of thousands of people dying of famine...and most people just sigh...but I can picture the faces of every person. War, politics, my own street...everything is painful. It doesn't even make sense. I'm not special...I don't witness anything anyone else doesn't...so why does it hurt with physical agony? Why can't I be strong and not drink? Drinking doesn't help...it's the cowards way out...drinking to become numb and sleep and not see what's happening.
I'm a self injurer and I cut myself up pretty bad last night with a razor blade...i forgot how much more you bleed when you drink...i woke up with my clothes welded into the cuts...my pillow stuck to my face.
I'm thinking of going back into hospital. I genuinely don't want to die and I don't want to drink...or rather...I don't want to feel like I want to do those things.
Only...I'm scared...I'm scared of being locked up for good. I'm scared of having my freedom taken away. And, yes, I'm scared of my DRINK being taken away...because always in the back of my mind when I'm trying to stay sober is the message 'one day at a time...because you can drink yourself to death tomorrow'.
I don't know what to do. I'm considering letting 'nature take it's course' and going on one last massive bender...that will either resul in me dying or being dragged into the psych ward. Let alcohol take the decision out of my hands...

housecatt1

Hi Richey...

I wish I had some perfect words ... but I wanted to reply anyway ... I was in here this morning posting a "help me" post.... and then looking around afterward, and saw your post.

So, I guess I just want to say hi .. and please hang out here for awhile. I've been drinking for years (and years and years), but I've never cut myself, so I can't completely relate .... though I think calling your doctor's office and having an honest chat about your situation and feelings would be a great place to start out on your path to making this better ..... and he/she could refer you to someone who can help you sort things out.

And please don't be embarrassed to ask for help ... this is their job as professionals, and they've chosen to do what they really like - help people like you and me. If the hospital you were in before is something you didn't like, discuss the reasons with your doctor, and perhaps there is an alternative or two to go with.

I get depressed about other people's lives sometimes ... things I can't control ... There are a lot of deaths in the news these days ... well, all the time really ... and suffering and stuff. I wish there were a magic solution. Sometimes I have to remind myself that my first priority has to be myself. Hurting myself (including drinking) isn't going to help anyone, least of all me or my family. Making things better has to start with me.

Please start with you .... and ask for help from your doctor or another professional that you trust .... life really can be SO good. You deserve to feel good.

Sorry I don't have any better words.

Maybe you can start your day by cleaning up those bad reminders of last night, clean yourself up, and move foward with a fresh goal today, including making that telephone call to your doctor, or, if you don't have one, locate your nearest walk-in clinic or something along those lines -- to get you started in the direction you know you want to head.

This is your life ... you can choose to take control today ..... You can do it, Richie.

~Catt

bahookie

Hey Richey,

Just wanted to tell you that I'm still here and still rooting for you.

My best friend, Lorraine, is in the process of drinking herself to death. Well, I presume she still is, as I threatened to come between her and wine and was promptly dismissed!

She cut herself spectacularly many times. Her arms looked like mince and there was blood all over her kids, the dog, the house.

First thing I have to say to you, which you already know, is get your wounds cleaned, Richey. At least have them rinsed and dressed.
You don't want to incase they keep you in casualty, do you?

Go to the chemist then and buy those big f***-off dressings. You can get packets of saline, or just run them under the tap.

You are worth it Richey, my boy. We all know it, it's just you who doesn't yet.

Love to you
Jane
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

quercusalba

Hi Richey -

I'm an alcoholic self-injurer, too... did my cutting both sober and drunk. I know the feeling of waking up to clothing sticking in your cuts. It's not a pretty thing to admit to - heck, it's hard for me to talk about it here - but I want you to know you're not alone. You are NOT alone. I feel the world's pain, too. Like you said yourself, though, drinking isn't going to make things better - it can and will only make things worse. It can magnify all the pain in this world and drive it straight through your heart - I know this because I've felt it too.

PLEASE do not give up. Please do not bury yourself with alcohol... take the compassion that you have in your heart and use it to do good. Small kindnesses can make a big difference. None of us here can make you stop drinking - only you can do that... I would suggest that you clean out your wounds, apply some antibiotic ointment, and bandage yourself, then get yourself to a hospital where they can help you help yourself. The cutting and the drinking are both clearly methods of self-destruction. You are worthy of so much more than that. You are worthy of rebuilding and becoming whole. I can hear the pain in your words and it hurts me; I know so very well where you are right now. You say that you don't want to die - so do something for yourself so that you can live. I pray that you will.

I stopped cutting first, and now I'm tackling the drink... take it one step at a time. You can do it. You are worth it.

my thoughts and prayers are with you,
anne

CAPTAINZING2000

Richey,

All I can tell you is from my own ESH. After gutting it out for a long time of not drinking, the depression lifted. You drink you sink. What are you doing to stop drinking?
Do you go to AA? If, you haven't start if you have, go back. Get a sponser to help you. The online feed back is helpful but, it's not enough.

I drank for 30 years. If, I can stop drinking, anyone can stop drinking.

Time2Surrender

Richey,if you have the resources try and check into a long term treatment center.I will pray for you.

KelKel

Richey... praying for you. It is hard to make reason or rhyme of anything when your brain is clouded with alcohol.
Please remember you are not alone...

Cathy31

Richey
Just to say that I am thinking of you - Richey what could be WORSE than what you are feeling now!??!?! It sounds awful, and I am so sorry you feel this way. You need to take charge and just pick up the phone and phone AA and ask for a referral or something ( I think we might be beyond a meeting being the answer at this stage) Your local AA must have lots of places that would be ideal for you. Rehab IS the answer...this craziness, its all being impacted by alcohol, of course you feel desperate right now but hang in there and get some help. Yo uneed to get a breather, to get sober, so you can think straight. Please seek some help, or ask AA to give you a referral. Think of your current mental ajnguish, rehab it can't be worse!
Praying for you
CAthy

tyler

I don't know what to do. I'm considering letting 'nature take it's course' and going on one last massive bender...that will either resul in me dying or being dragged into the psych ward. Let alcohol take the decision out of my hands...[/QUOTE]

Richie,

I just wanted to let you know that I totally understand your situation. I have been there. I did what you suggested. I went on a 6 day rampage ending with 5 bottles of pills and a fifth of whisky. It should have killed me. Somehow my wife, who I was seperated from sensed something was wrong. She came by and when I wouldn't answer the door got the super to let her in. I was passed out and bleeding, I don't really know for how long, but she got me to the hospital and of course they put me in the psych ward. It was the thing I had feared the most, as you mentioned. I lost my freedom I thought, but the fact was I had lost my freedom a long time ago and this was the first step towards getting it back. I'm not going to say it was a great time and I loved being there, but it was where I needed to be at the time. Life still sucks sometimes, that is life, but I am learning to deal with it. The booze, and pot in my case, never really helped, they just numbed me to reality until things got so *ucking bad that I just didn't care. I can feel so much of me in your post. I hope you don't choose the route I did, you may not be as lucky as I was. Life is worth living, if you can just get some help in getting that cloud lifted you will see that. I know it seems hopeless right now, believe me I know. Reach out for that help. They don't lock you up forever, just long enough to help you. Please think about it. People do care about you, just look at the people who have responded to you who don't even know you.

Peace

Tyler

brenda1

Richie: You are probably comprmised while reading this but you know you are worth more than this. Try to sleep. You need rest from this and sleeping will take from the time you would be drinking. It's better than digging a deeper hole. I hope the best for you and pray that you will continue seeking help. Suicide (by alcohol or otherwise is not the answer).

Brenda

CarolD

All I can say is that since I quit drinking...

I have not cut my wrist nor been to the mental hospital.


Depressiom drove me into AA. It left at about 3 months sober.


**+} Hugs and Prayers

Chy

Richey, if you don't have the resources to go to a rehab facility call the Salvation Army, they have an excellent program and it's alway's come highly recommended let alone it's free if you can't afford it. Do something anything Richey it's obviously not working very well for you now is it?

Richey

i can't so this...i cant

quercusalba

You CAN. You can do this. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

--anne

housecatt1

Richey... so glad to see you again today.

You can do anything you want to do... don't be afraid to start. There is lots of help out there, and in here.

Talk it out .... I'm listening .... we're listening ... please?

mrs mipsy

Hi Richie,

UK here too.everything all the above post say are inspiring are they not? The other members stories all have pain in them also. I'm not meaning to sound harsh, just to point out that when you say you feel alone in the agony of existing and the compassion you have for all the pain & suffering in the world, you really aren't my love. Everyone at some point in their lives, in alcohol or not has these feelings, it's just us drunken depressives who seem to think it will never end - and that's exactly what our demon addiction wants us to believe... that way we won't cut off it's supply. If we don't feed it, it will die and we might begin to feel better. It's starving this little bast*ard which is the biggest hurdle for us. I too am still in alcohol and waiting for my annual visit to detox in my local run down pyschiactric ward. Please don't be afraid that they will section you, that only happens over here on occassions when you have REALLY tried to commit suicide (the extreme methods) or hurt others...the NHS can't afford to commit self harmers anyway! The fear of having your drink taken way is huge - I know it too, but that is our little bast*rds talking again, chipping away at our conscience. Maybe if you think about that, it could help, it made me realise that I am not a bad useless person, but a person with an addiction, which unfortunately has gripped me around my throat so tightly, I can either fight the ****er or stop breathing. I'm still here, kicking, breathing, talking to you honey, and so are you .

CDr55

Hi Richey. I personally wish that there was some way we could schedule a U.K./U.S. AA or NA meeting. I just blew four days sobriety, but I am here to be of service to you. Richey, please just live another day. I understand that times are difficult for you, but please just stay here. You inspire many.

Anna

Richey,

I am so sorry you are going through this. You definitely can do this and you're not alone. You've gotten lots of good advice and I pray that you seek help.

Love, Anna

Richey

Thanks everyone...this is the first time I've read this thread for a fewa days without being kinda on my way to being drunk.
Yes, everyone's inspiriing...I guess...but then it depresses me more thinking I'm a failure compared to you all.

Mipsy, oh I know...it's just I have a bad history of extre me self harm...I've cut chunks out of my face and scalp...so whenever people see a sign of it they assume I'm going to do something bih and dangerous.

lulu70

Dear Richey--
Everyone here is here because they have "failed" at something. Try looking for the similarities instead of the differences. We are all here for you and we all care about you. It is time for you to start caring about yourself.

Love and hugs--