Starting over again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Georgia
Posts: 471
Starting over again
I've made several false starts at getting sober in the past 6 months or so. It really does seem like I have no way of stopping this cycle. I know I have to quit drinking, it's killing me and ruining my life, but it seems like no matter how strong my conviction is, there comes a point when the craving is just too strong and I drink, then just give up and spend a few months being sick or drunk all the time, and then try again. What I haven't done yet, is really get into AA. I've been to a few meetings, but haven't found them to be warm and welcoming the way I've heard they are. I guess I just have to go anyway. I don't know anything else that could help and I obviously am not going to do this alone. I could really use all of your prayers and encouragement.
Thanks!
Karen
Thanks!
Karen
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: The Mohave Desert
Posts: 2,306
Hi Karen and welcome to SR. 
I can relate to what you have shared, it has taken me 10 yrs.+ of going in and out of the doors of AA to finally get to a place where I can take what I need and leave the rest...
I finally just got so beat down, so tired of trying again and again to get and stay sober, it became very clear that I would not be able to do it alone.
Coming here was my first step, then I started attending meetings again.
I am glad you are here, i think you are going to like it here. There is alot of recovery going on around these forums and many wonderful folks.
Just remember that you are not alone, this addiction has a it's nasty grip on more than a few of us.
Let me know if I can answer any questions or help you out...
I can relate to what you have shared, it has taken me 10 yrs.+ of going in and out of the doors of AA to finally get to a place where I can take what I need and leave the rest...
I finally just got so beat down, so tired of trying again and again to get and stay sober, it became very clear that I would not be able to do it alone.
Coming here was my first step, then I started attending meetings again.
I am glad you are here, i think you are going to like it here. There is alot of recovery going on around these forums and many wonderful folks.
Just remember that you are not alone, this addiction has a it's nasty grip on more than a few of us.
Let me know if I can answer any questions or help you out...
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome
and Hello Karen..
I am so pleased you have joined us..more importantly...that you are getting back to recovery.
Stick around...ask if you need anything.
I am so pleased you have joined us..more importantly...that you are getting back to recovery.
Stick around...ask if you need anything.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: OR
Posts: 15
I've had to start over more than once myself. I, too, found that it was harder each time to make the connection and feel that people were as warm and friendly, but then I finally "got it" so that I could stay sober long enough to realize that what had changed was me. The program and the people in it were the same. I had just gotten sicker and further out of touch and harder to reach.
I had to drink every single drink it took for me to finally be so desperate that I stayed in the program whether I could feel the love and warmth or not. I just had to stay because I knew it was the only thing left for me besides death.
When I'd been in the program the times before, I'd been that "wonder kid". I read the Big Book and "did the steps" one day while sitting on the toilet. I figured I had those down and didn't need to do anything more. I finally actually did the first three steps later on, but then I couldn't do a fourth step because I couldn't find the directions. People would say "the directions are in the Big Book" and I'd look, but I couldn't find any directions, so I just let that one go and figured the first three were good enough. I had read the others and had the basic idea so I could, of course, just skip over that and those dreaded amends and get right to the really important stuff------the 12th step.
I didn't get a sponsor. My boyfriend and I sponsored each other, of course. I really, really toughed it out till I got to a year so I could get a cake. I never got to the second cake.
The second time in, I did do the steps but only stayed sober three months. I still had the new boyfriend I'd gotten on the 13th step the first time around and he had never really quit and gotten into the program at all. But the second time around, I really did want to stay sober and that drunk blindsided me. I had even gone to a meeting that day. But it took that to totally convince me of my own powerlessness, which scared the heck out of me and then I did get real serious.
I got a sponsor, I actually worked all the steps and discovered that the directions for a thorough 4th step really ARE in the book. I followed the fourth step up with my 5th step, which I did with my sponsor, and with the rest of the steps after that. I went through the first 7 steps in my first month of sobriety, in fact.
This time in sobriety, it's working. I've been doing it one day at a time, to the best of my ability and relying heavily on my Higher Power. From the beginning this time, I've truly done just the best I could for today. I figured if I didn't work my program to the best of my ability for even one day, I might have a weak link in the chain and I might get drunk again. Once today is over, I'll sleep and then tomorrow I can do tomorrow to the best of my ability. I've done it long enough now to trust that it's going to work each day that I wake up and start doing another "just today".
If I keep doing what I'm doing now and thinking what I'm thinking now, on May 5th, it will be 20 years since my last drink. The days have stacked up and the links in the chain have all stayed strong for all this time. But I still just did today to the best of my ability. I couldn't take it for granted. Tonight I'll take stock of what I did well and what I needed to do better and say thank you to my Higher Power. Then I'll sleep and tomorrow I'll be able to trust that I can forge another link in my chain thanks to my Higher Power.
I heard someone say once something that helped me, too. That's that if I reach out to my Higher Power with one hand and reach out to another alcoholic with the other hand, then I don't have any hands left to pick up a drink with.
I had to drink every single drink it took for me to finally be so desperate that I stayed in the program whether I could feel the love and warmth or not. I just had to stay because I knew it was the only thing left for me besides death.
When I'd been in the program the times before, I'd been that "wonder kid". I read the Big Book and "did the steps" one day while sitting on the toilet. I figured I had those down and didn't need to do anything more. I finally actually did the first three steps later on, but then I couldn't do a fourth step because I couldn't find the directions. People would say "the directions are in the Big Book" and I'd look, but I couldn't find any directions, so I just let that one go and figured the first three were good enough. I had read the others and had the basic idea so I could, of course, just skip over that and those dreaded amends and get right to the really important stuff------the 12th step.
I didn't get a sponsor. My boyfriend and I sponsored each other, of course. I really, really toughed it out till I got to a year so I could get a cake. I never got to the second cake.
The second time in, I did do the steps but only stayed sober three months. I still had the new boyfriend I'd gotten on the 13th step the first time around and he had never really quit and gotten into the program at all. But the second time around, I really did want to stay sober and that drunk blindsided me. I had even gone to a meeting that day. But it took that to totally convince me of my own powerlessness, which scared the heck out of me and then I did get real serious.
I got a sponsor, I actually worked all the steps and discovered that the directions for a thorough 4th step really ARE in the book. I followed the fourth step up with my 5th step, which I did with my sponsor, and with the rest of the steps after that. I went through the first 7 steps in my first month of sobriety, in fact.
This time in sobriety, it's working. I've been doing it one day at a time, to the best of my ability and relying heavily on my Higher Power. From the beginning this time, I've truly done just the best I could for today. I figured if I didn't work my program to the best of my ability for even one day, I might have a weak link in the chain and I might get drunk again. Once today is over, I'll sleep and then tomorrow I can do tomorrow to the best of my ability. I've done it long enough now to trust that it's going to work each day that I wake up and start doing another "just today".
If I keep doing what I'm doing now and thinking what I'm thinking now, on May 5th, it will be 20 years since my last drink. The days have stacked up and the links in the chain have all stayed strong for all this time. But I still just did today to the best of my ability. I couldn't take it for granted. Tonight I'll take stock of what I did well and what I needed to do better and say thank you to my Higher Power. Then I'll sleep and tomorrow I'll be able to trust that I can forge another link in my chain thanks to my Higher Power.
I heard someone say once something that helped me, too. That's that if I reach out to my Higher Power with one hand and reach out to another alcoholic with the other hand, then I don't have any hands left to pick up a drink with.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Georgia
Posts: 471
Thanks so much to all of you for your thoughts and welcomes. Ellen, your story amazed me and gave me so much hope. I'm sure it is me that is harder to reach. I will have to just reach out to them. This isn't a personality contest, after all. I'm hoping to live, and need thier help. They don't have to like me. I remember when I was sober before, and your words about reaching out to them with one hand and to God with the other made me remember this, I use to when I was scared or worried or 'stinking thinking', I would pretend I was holding God's hand. It always made me feel so much better. I'll start doing that again. If I can't stay sober, I can't live. It really has come to that for me. So I have no choice but to do everything in my power to get this and keep it. Thanks again to all of you. You are a Godsend.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Georgia
Posts: 471
Hello everyone,
I just wanted you to know that I went to a meeting tonight! I thought of all of you, and walked up to two women and introduced myself and told them I am newly back and wanting to come to lots of meeting and get sober. I'm meeting one of them at the women's meeting tomorrow at 5:30. I feel so good about it, and I didn't drink today! Hooray! And thank you all so much for your thoughts and support.
Hugs,
Karen
I just wanted you to know that I went to a meeting tonight! I thought of all of you, and walked up to two women and introduced myself and told them I am newly back and wanting to come to lots of meeting and get sober. I'm meeting one of them at the women's meeting tomorrow at 5:30. I feel so good about it, and I didn't drink today! Hooray! And thank you all so much for your thoughts and support.
Hugs,
Karen
Member
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
Posts: 1,714
This is the stuff that these forums were made for. Thank you justEllen for that beautifully written share. I'm struggling right now and your post has really touched me.
(((((((Karen)))))) Welcome back, and keep coming back!
(((((((Karen)))))) Welcome back, and keep coming back!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Georgia
Posts: 471
Hello everyone,
I hope it's not rude for me to keep posting about this, but I'm so excited and since I don't have a sponsor yet I need someone to talk to about this. I went to the women's meeting tonight and it was awesome. I was kind of sad that when they asked would anyone want to be a temporary sponsor NOBODY in a room full of about thirty women raised thier hand! Where the heck am I supposed to get a sponsor? But other than that it was such a good meeting and the people were very nice and really working the program and had wonderful things to say. I saw some people I knew from before and they didn't look at all like they thought I had the plague or anything, they were very happy I was back. I got in my car to drive away and started crying, because I felt like I have finally started on the road to recovery after wanting to for so long. It's scary, too. At work today I had a moment, late in the afternoon, where I was fighting with myself over whether or not I would stop at the liquor store on the way home. I thought, "I just need one more time, just once and then I'll start for real." But I've done that, over and over and over again for 25 years, except for the few years I was sober before. It feels like I just will fall apart if I can't drink! In the middle of this I got a bunch of cards to give to residents from some student volunteers and one of them had a poem on it about how all God expects of us is just today. I pinned it on the wall above my desk after I read it about 10 times, and I plan to read it every day. If I get drunk tomorrow, that's tomorrow's deal. But today, I am feeling so good about sitting here with my full senses and knowing tomorrow I won't be sick or smell like alcohol, and I have a chance of really getting sober! I quit smoking dope, too. I smoked my last bit Sunday morning and then yesterday I threw away all my pipes and dusted around real good so I won't be scraping around for bits and pieces in the late night if I get the 'joneses'. I've had a headache and nausea and been really tired, but other than that no withdrawal symptoms. I know I'll cry a lot, every time I quit long enough for it to get out of my system that happens. Every other time, for the past years, I've given in and drank again. But, those times I didn't quit the smoking pot, and I didn't go to meetings regularly, and I didn't feel I had anything really to grasp ahold of, no God, no AA, no program. So OF COURSE I drank again! It doesn't have to be that way this time!!!! A woman at the meeting invited me to go to a women's recovery weekend this weekend, and I may go. It's a little more money than I can spare now, but I'm going to see if I can do it. A whole weekend of meetings and fellowship would make a big difference. If I can't go, I'll just go to lots of meetings here and stay away from people who use.
Thanks so much for letting me rant on and on. Putting it here helps quiet my mind a bit, since all this was spinning madly around in my head and not helping the headache thing at all.
Hugs,
Karen
I hope it's not rude for me to keep posting about this, but I'm so excited and since I don't have a sponsor yet I need someone to talk to about this. I went to the women's meeting tonight and it was awesome. I was kind of sad that when they asked would anyone want to be a temporary sponsor NOBODY in a room full of about thirty women raised thier hand! Where the heck am I supposed to get a sponsor? But other than that it was such a good meeting and the people were very nice and really working the program and had wonderful things to say. I saw some people I knew from before and they didn't look at all like they thought I had the plague or anything, they were very happy I was back. I got in my car to drive away and started crying, because I felt like I have finally started on the road to recovery after wanting to for so long. It's scary, too. At work today I had a moment, late in the afternoon, where I was fighting with myself over whether or not I would stop at the liquor store on the way home. I thought, "I just need one more time, just once and then I'll start for real." But I've done that, over and over and over again for 25 years, except for the few years I was sober before. It feels like I just will fall apart if I can't drink! In the middle of this I got a bunch of cards to give to residents from some student volunteers and one of them had a poem on it about how all God expects of us is just today. I pinned it on the wall above my desk after I read it about 10 times, and I plan to read it every day. If I get drunk tomorrow, that's tomorrow's deal. But today, I am feeling so good about sitting here with my full senses and knowing tomorrow I won't be sick or smell like alcohol, and I have a chance of really getting sober! I quit smoking dope, too. I smoked my last bit Sunday morning and then yesterday I threw away all my pipes and dusted around real good so I won't be scraping around for bits and pieces in the late night if I get the 'joneses'. I've had a headache and nausea and been really tired, but other than that no withdrawal symptoms. I know I'll cry a lot, every time I quit long enough for it to get out of my system that happens. Every other time, for the past years, I've given in and drank again. But, those times I didn't quit the smoking pot, and I didn't go to meetings regularly, and I didn't feel I had anything really to grasp ahold of, no God, no AA, no program. So OF COURSE I drank again! It doesn't have to be that way this time!!!! A woman at the meeting invited me to go to a women's recovery weekend this weekend, and I may go. It's a little more money than I can spare now, but I'm going to see if I can do it. A whole weekend of meetings and fellowship would make a big difference. If I can't go, I'll just go to lots of meetings here and stay away from people who use.
Thanks so much for letting me rant on and on. Putting it here helps quiet my mind a bit, since all this was spinning madly around in my head and not helping the headache thing at all.
Hugs,
Karen
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Jasper, GA
Posts: 239
Hi from the mountains of N Georgia Karen!
Ain't sobriety grand...and scary?
When I was drunk and just trying (read "wishing") I was sober, drinking didn't bother me from the fear aspect...I was still drinking, so if I had nothing to lose, as I had not gotten anything yet. After I got sober, being that way was scary because all of a sudden there was something to lose if I drank again...the life I had found.
I also found out, no matter how strong, I couldn't stay sober...but me and God could. I loved Ellen's "If I hold God's hand with one hand, and another alcoholic's with the other, I can't hold a bottle".
Good luck and trust God. Man breaks promises, but God doesn't.
Well, I'm off to a morning meeting...time to make the coffee.
BubbaBob
Ain't sobriety grand...and scary?
When I was drunk and just trying (read "wishing") I was sober, drinking didn't bother me from the fear aspect...I was still drinking, so if I had nothing to lose, as I had not gotten anything yet. After I got sober, being that way was scary because all of a sudden there was something to lose if I drank again...the life I had found.
I also found out, no matter how strong, I couldn't stay sober...but me and God could. I loved Ellen's "If I hold God's hand with one hand, and another alcoholic's with the other, I can't hold a bottle".
Good luck and trust God. Man breaks promises, but God doesn't.
Well, I'm off to a morning meeting...time to make the coffee.
BubbaBob
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Originally Posted by justEllen 
if I reach out to my Higher Power with one hand and reach out to another alcoholic with the other hand, then I don't have any hands left to pick up a drink with.
right on!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Ang102......
A sponsor is an AA member who guides
another member through the 12 Steps of AA.
Are you attending AA?
I see you are on a new beginning...
that's great!
Good to see you here with us...
A sponsor is an AA member who guides
another member through the 12 Steps of AA.
Are you attending AA?
I see you are on a new beginning...
that's great!
Good to see you here with us...
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