New Here - Family Support Questions
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Orange County, CA
Posts: 14
New Here - Family Support Questions
I'm new and happy to find this forum, however, I'm having trouble trying to figure out how to navigate this site.
I'm 47 years old, live alone and have been drinking wine heavily in the evenings at home alone for 4 years. I drink one glass after another until I pass out in bed. (It can take anywhere from one to two bottles to do that). I had a 4.5 month period of sobriety late summer to early December and then the didn't resist during the holidays. I've only been sober since 3/15 but am taking it one day at a time with the help of God.
The immediate thing I need help with is how to help my family to help me as they want to. I have been so bad for so long that all I ever hear from my parents and sister is how very, very sick I am. That's OK when I am drinking, but this week when I have been making it through each day sober and want to celebrate that achievement and feel stronger each day, one of them will often call and keep reflecting the negative image they have of me. They did the same thing during my last period of sobriety. I need to have a positive attitude about my recovery.
I'm new to AA and don't yet have a sponsor or a group in which I feel comfortable (I've only been to 2 meetings). However, the family issue is an immediate concern and I'm not sure how to handle it.
I'd like to discuss the family issue with others who have also dealt with this and don't mind sharing and letting me share. Is there a special forum for this?
Thank you.
I'm 47 years old, live alone and have been drinking wine heavily in the evenings at home alone for 4 years. I drink one glass after another until I pass out in bed. (It can take anywhere from one to two bottles to do that). I had a 4.5 month period of sobriety late summer to early December and then the didn't resist during the holidays. I've only been sober since 3/15 but am taking it one day at a time with the help of God.
The immediate thing I need help with is how to help my family to help me as they want to. I have been so bad for so long that all I ever hear from my parents and sister is how very, very sick I am. That's OK when I am drinking, but this week when I have been making it through each day sober and want to celebrate that achievement and feel stronger each day, one of them will often call and keep reflecting the negative image they have of me. They did the same thing during my last period of sobriety. I need to have a positive attitude about my recovery.
I'm new to AA and don't yet have a sponsor or a group in which I feel comfortable (I've only been to 2 meetings). However, the family issue is an immediate concern and I'm not sure how to handle it.
I'd like to discuss the family issue with others who have also dealt with this and don't mind sharing and letting me share. Is there a special forum for this?
Thank you.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome and Hello
I am so glad you are seeking recovery...it is a great way to live. 
I lived 900 miles from my family when I was drinking.
So...
My family completely ignored my addiction and my recovery.
Others will be more helpful than I but I do want you to feel your post is important.
I love to live my AA program...hope you will connect with a groip soon.
I lived 900 miles from my family when I was drinking.
So...
My family completely ignored my addiction and my recovery.
Others will be more helpful than I but I do want you to feel your post is important.
I love to live my AA program...hope you will connect with a groip soon.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,509
Hi and Welcome!
This is a great place to come for support and I'm glad you've chosen to be sober. I didn't give any information about my drinking or sobriety to my family. I do not trust my family to support me at all and I know I would have faced negative phone calls from them if I had. I was very careful to not allow anything like that into my life early on in my sobriety. Like you, I really didn't want to have to deal with it.
If you think your family could be supportive and positive for you, maybe you should express how you feel to them. It could be a help to you.
Keep visiting.
Love, Anna
This is a great place to come for support and I'm glad you've chosen to be sober. I didn't give any information about my drinking or sobriety to my family. I do not trust my family to support me at all and I know I would have faced negative phone calls from them if I had. I was very careful to not allow anything like that into my life early on in my sobriety. Like you, I really didn't want to have to deal with it.
If you think your family could be supportive and positive for you, maybe you should express how you feel to them. It could be a help to you.
Keep visiting.
Love, Anna
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Orange County, CA
Posts: 14
I don't know the etiquite on these threads. Is it ok to post lenthy notes? Please let me know if I go on too long or am too detailed. I am just soooo frustrated this evening. I neglected to state that I am a female, never married, no kids.
My parents live 5 minutes from me and when they would call me at night, they could tell if I had been drinking, so it was hard to hide it. I was honest with them that it was out of control. They of course told my sisters, one of whom called when I was bombed one night (before passing out) so she experienced it first hand. She laid into me the next day (appropriately so). A few days later, I stopped drinking and went to AA. I'm fortunate in that I don't go through bad withdrawl (just a little shaky the next day). My emotional/habitual cravings are stronger than physical cravings.
So with 7 days of sobriety, I'm just beginning to feel stronger and more hopeful about recovery. Now I want to work the program and on my recovery without my parent's and sister's constant supervision. I've tried to explain that it's more beneficial for me to unload with other alcoholics than with them. My dad (a very heavy drinker in the past, but more a moderate drinker now) just won't accept that. He really believes that I need a frequent dose of "tough love" to remind me how serious my drinking is/was.
I didn't mind that when he was right, but now that I am on starting on the road to recovery with AA, it's counterproductive. When I try to explain that to him, he says I'm still in denial and that I'm going to have to get angry at him and everyone before I get better. The truth is that I'm more exasperated with him than angry (but angry too).
I have a long history of "dad" issues, but he is not at all to blame for my drinking. That's totally my issue. However, when he goes on and on and on and on like he did today, my reaction is total frustration and exasperation because he thinks he knows what I need and praise for not drinking for 7 days is not on the agenda.
I've been really determined the last 7 days and have not seriously considered getting a bottle of wine. However, after talking to him, I had to go run some errands and I really had to fight the thoughts about stopping at Sav-On and buying a bottle of cheap Chardonnay (my drug of choice). Thankfully, I was able to just drive past it.
I've gotten past the frustration today, but I know this will come up every couple of days or so with my dad. He's an admitted control freak, but he doesn't ever doubt that his way is indeed the best and right way.
I'd like to know how others have dealt with this. My parents are overinvolved in my life, which was not the case for many years when they lived an hour away. However, when they retired near me, my dad began to exert as much control over my decisions as possible. Now I feel like a frustrated teenager again.
Sorry to be so lengthy.
L.
My parents live 5 minutes from me and when they would call me at night, they could tell if I had been drinking, so it was hard to hide it. I was honest with them that it was out of control. They of course told my sisters, one of whom called when I was bombed one night (before passing out) so she experienced it first hand. She laid into me the next day (appropriately so). A few days later, I stopped drinking and went to AA. I'm fortunate in that I don't go through bad withdrawl (just a little shaky the next day). My emotional/habitual cravings are stronger than physical cravings.
So with 7 days of sobriety, I'm just beginning to feel stronger and more hopeful about recovery. Now I want to work the program and on my recovery without my parent's and sister's constant supervision. I've tried to explain that it's more beneficial for me to unload with other alcoholics than with them. My dad (a very heavy drinker in the past, but more a moderate drinker now) just won't accept that. He really believes that I need a frequent dose of "tough love" to remind me how serious my drinking is/was.
I didn't mind that when he was right, but now that I am on starting on the road to recovery with AA, it's counterproductive. When I try to explain that to him, he says I'm still in denial and that I'm going to have to get angry at him and everyone before I get better. The truth is that I'm more exasperated with him than angry (but angry too).
I have a long history of "dad" issues, but he is not at all to blame for my drinking. That's totally my issue. However, when he goes on and on and on and on like he did today, my reaction is total frustration and exasperation because he thinks he knows what I need and praise for not drinking for 7 days is not on the agenda.
I've been really determined the last 7 days and have not seriously considered getting a bottle of wine. However, after talking to him, I had to go run some errands and I really had to fight the thoughts about stopping at Sav-On and buying a bottle of cheap Chardonnay (my drug of choice). Thankfully, I was able to just drive past it.
I've gotten past the frustration today, but I know this will come up every couple of days or so with my dad. He's an admitted control freak, but he doesn't ever doubt that his way is indeed the best and right way.
I'd like to know how others have dealt with this. My parents are overinvolved in my life, which was not the case for many years when they lived an hour away. However, when they retired near me, my dad began to exert as much control over my decisions as possible. Now I feel like a frustrated teenager again.
Sorry to be so lengthy.
L.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: detroit, mi
Posts: 25
hi, L. For me, it took a loooooooooooooong time b4 my family started to believe i was serious about recovery; probably because they'd heard "i really mean it this time" a million times b4. it took a whole year b4 my sister would even talk to me. but i can relate to the dad issue, mine still wants to save, protect, and control me at 27, and he believed it was up to him to single handedly save me from myself. congrats on yr 7 days, thats great, and AA is a great support system, and an excellent place to vent about yr family. Have you thought about setting boundrys? only calling them 1 time a week, only allowing them to visit at certain times, and maybe cutting back yr visits to them? if u feel that yr dad's over involvement is detrimental to yr sobriety,that may be necessary. although their feelings might be hurt, in the long run yr sobriety will be healthier for everyone involved. good luck, L!!
xoxo shawn
xoxo shawn
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: my own little world
Posts: 254
"I have been so bad for so long that all I ever hear from my parents and sister is how very, very sick I am."
that sure is familiar. for myself, after over 30 years of indiscriminate substance abuse, i found no one had any faith in me at all. the sad part is i had become so accustomed to letting everyone down it seemed normal.
the solution is to have faith in ourselves.
you do it for you, so believe in yourself for you.
my father died waiting for " the other shoe to drop".
while it is a sad thing that was his problem.
it wasn't just family, it was the treatment center employees, the halfway house, the local AA club, they all expected me to fail and weren't shy about telling me so.
getting mad helped. maybe that was their plan, to make me stay clean to spite them,
just remember, you are doing this for you, that's the person whose repect and trust you most need .
congratulations on your clea n time and get a sponsor to help you work through this,
that sure is familiar. for myself, after over 30 years of indiscriminate substance abuse, i found no one had any faith in me at all. the sad part is i had become so accustomed to letting everyone down it seemed normal.
the solution is to have faith in ourselves.
you do it for you, so believe in yourself for you.
my father died waiting for " the other shoe to drop".
while it is a sad thing that was his problem.
it wasn't just family, it was the treatment center employees, the halfway house, the local AA club, they all expected me to fail and weren't shy about telling me so.
getting mad helped. maybe that was their plan, to make me stay clean to spite them,
just remember, you are doing this for you, that's the person whose repect and trust you most need .
congratulations on your clea n time and get a sponsor to help you work through this,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Orange County, CA
Posts: 14
Hi Shawn: I would love to set better boundaries, but it's tough with my dad. He could care less about anyone's boundaries and most likely doesn't understand the concept. He was a successful CEO of a large company so his position gave him natural boundaries. He hates any kind of "psychology."
I rarely call them, but they call me often. They are 70 years old and increasingly rely on me - my dad more than me. I have actually thought about moving farther away from them because of the boudary issue. I know that I am much healthier emotionally when he's not so overbearing in my life. However, I will be the one who has to take care of them as they age.
I was a successful executive in the past too (not a CEO) and didn't have a problem with alcohol until 4-5 years ago. I'm not blaming my parents but, my life has been on a downturn ever since they moved nearby. I knew it was bad when I sold my home and they wanted me to involve them in my search for a new home. They exerted major pressure when they didn't like what I was interested in an my dad would find places he thought were great that I hated. I ended up not having a place to move and rented until my dad found something that I thought was a good deal financially in a good area, but I really hate the house. Guess when I moved in? 4 years ago.
I'm a strong woman but have always had trouble setting boundaries with boyfriends. With one guy, we actually went to a Cloud and Townsend seminar on the book they wrote called "Boundaries." It didn't work. Being that I rather not be married than be married to someone who wants to control me, I've never married (to my dismay).
Anyway, my dad is not going to change. I love him, but I have trouble being around him or dealing with him. He controls every aspect of my mother's life. I've tried to stand up to him my whole life, and was able to be extremely independent until recently.
If I don't find some way to cope with this, I know that it's going to make it more difficult to abstain. I already hate myself and am totally disgusted with the train wreck I've made of my life. He knows that yet keeps on with that tough love because he loves me so much.
FWIW, I had an eating disorder in HS and college. At first I starved myself for a couple of years to the point where I stopped mensrtating and then I began a cycle of overeating and dieting. I was a major yo-yo. His way of handling that was to tell me how terribly fat I was when my weight was up. He'd talk about my "jowels." I had no self esteem about my looks. When I got out from under his control, I was able to stop crazy eating (miraculously) and have been thin ever since without ever dieting. He takes credit for "curing" me.
Again, sorry to go on so long. I don't have a time limit as they do at meetings.
Also, can anyone tell me how to edit my profile. I put 04 instead of 05 as my sobriety date.
Thanks,
Lori
I rarely call them, but they call me often. They are 70 years old and increasingly rely on me - my dad more than me. I have actually thought about moving farther away from them because of the boudary issue. I know that I am much healthier emotionally when he's not so overbearing in my life. However, I will be the one who has to take care of them as they age.
I was a successful executive in the past too (not a CEO) and didn't have a problem with alcohol until 4-5 years ago. I'm not blaming my parents but, my life has been on a downturn ever since they moved nearby. I knew it was bad when I sold my home and they wanted me to involve them in my search for a new home. They exerted major pressure when they didn't like what I was interested in an my dad would find places he thought were great that I hated. I ended up not having a place to move and rented until my dad found something that I thought was a good deal financially in a good area, but I really hate the house. Guess when I moved in? 4 years ago.
I'm a strong woman but have always had trouble setting boundaries with boyfriends. With one guy, we actually went to a Cloud and Townsend seminar on the book they wrote called "Boundaries." It didn't work. Being that I rather not be married than be married to someone who wants to control me, I've never married (to my dismay).
Anyway, my dad is not going to change. I love him, but I have trouble being around him or dealing with him. He controls every aspect of my mother's life. I've tried to stand up to him my whole life, and was able to be extremely independent until recently.
If I don't find some way to cope with this, I know that it's going to make it more difficult to abstain. I already hate myself and am totally disgusted with the train wreck I've made of my life. He knows that yet keeps on with that tough love because he loves me so much.
FWIW, I had an eating disorder in HS and college. At first I starved myself for a couple of years to the point where I stopped mensrtating and then I began a cycle of overeating and dieting. I was a major yo-yo. His way of handling that was to tell me how terribly fat I was when my weight was up. He'd talk about my "jowels." I had no self esteem about my looks. When I got out from under his control, I was able to stop crazy eating (miraculously) and have been thin ever since without ever dieting. He takes credit for "curing" me.
Again, sorry to go on so long. I don't have a time limit as they do at meetings.
Also, can anyone tell me how to edit my profile. I put 04 instead of 05 as my sobriety date.
Thanks,
Lori
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,509
Hi Lori,
You say that your dad is not going to change and I think you're absolutely right about that. You can change though. You say your dad could care less about anyone's boundaries. That's fine. The point is that you set boundaries for yourself, not for your Dad. For example, you say they usually call you, so get call display and decide to answer their phone calls once a week. It has nothing to do with your dad caring about your boundaries, it has to do with you defining your life.
I feel so strongly about getting positive support early on in sobriety that I would suggest greatly limiting contact with your dad for quite awhile. You said talking to him almost ended up with you buying wine today. You need to do what is right for you now.
Love, Anna
You say that your dad is not going to change and I think you're absolutely right about that. You can change though. You say your dad could care less about anyone's boundaries. That's fine. The point is that you set boundaries for yourself, not for your Dad. For example, you say they usually call you, so get call display and decide to answer their phone calls once a week. It has nothing to do with your dad caring about your boundaries, it has to do with you defining your life.
I feel so strongly about getting positive support early on in sobriety that I would suggest greatly limiting contact with your dad for quite awhile. You said talking to him almost ended up with you buying wine today. You need to do what is right for you now.
Love, Anna
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Orange County, CA
Posts: 14
Hi Tramp:
For most of my life, I was an overachiever. My integrity was unquestionable, I was reliable and had many great friends. In the last 4 years I've managed to become a liar, unreliable and a recluse. I've gotten better with the recluse thing, but I'm still a liar and unreliable.
At one point in my life I really thought I had it all together. I really loved and enjoyed my life. To have had it so good and to trash it so severely is beyond my comprehension. I went from high self esteem to the pits. It was a huge fall from there to here. Although I've never contemplated suicide, I've wanted to be dead a lot over the last 4 years. I just didn't care anymore, I trashed my life - my family thinks I'm pathetic, I have no spouse or kids who rely on me, I hate myself, etc. - so why live? However, I don't think I could ever kill myself. I couldn't do that to my family. I do have 6 nieces and nephews who adore me too.
A good friend of mine did committ suicide two weeks ago. Like me, she has been battling depression. Both of us have been isolating ourselves so we didn't see each other often. I sat next to her at a wedding reception in January. I know that she did drink, but I don't know if she was an alcoholic. I believe she did take wine with whatever she took as an overdose (they don't know what she took yet). That was also a wake-up call for me. She and I were once in the same Bible study a few years earlier when we were both well... and I was the leader.
It is devastating to see the wreckage left behind in a suicide. She was suffering the loss of the love of her life and then lost her job. She was dismissed on a Friday morning and didn't speak to anyone who knew her, so no one knew what happened. She didn't even mention it in her note.
Well, I've gone on too long. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this long missive. I think part of the therapy is just getting it out. I've been trying not to think about Kathy and as I typed about her, I began crying. I've been stuffing the sadness, but I guess that's better than drinking to drown it.
God Bless,
Lori
For most of my life, I was an overachiever. My integrity was unquestionable, I was reliable and had many great friends. In the last 4 years I've managed to become a liar, unreliable and a recluse. I've gotten better with the recluse thing, but I'm still a liar and unreliable.
At one point in my life I really thought I had it all together. I really loved and enjoyed my life. To have had it so good and to trash it so severely is beyond my comprehension. I went from high self esteem to the pits. It was a huge fall from there to here. Although I've never contemplated suicide, I've wanted to be dead a lot over the last 4 years. I just didn't care anymore, I trashed my life - my family thinks I'm pathetic, I have no spouse or kids who rely on me, I hate myself, etc. - so why live? However, I don't think I could ever kill myself. I couldn't do that to my family. I do have 6 nieces and nephews who adore me too.
A good friend of mine did committ suicide two weeks ago. Like me, she has been battling depression. Both of us have been isolating ourselves so we didn't see each other often. I sat next to her at a wedding reception in January. I know that she did drink, but I don't know if she was an alcoholic. I believe she did take wine with whatever she took as an overdose (they don't know what she took yet). That was also a wake-up call for me. She and I were once in the same Bible study a few years earlier when we were both well... and I was the leader.
It is devastating to see the wreckage left behind in a suicide. She was suffering the loss of the love of her life and then lost her job. She was dismissed on a Friday morning and didn't speak to anyone who knew her, so no one knew what happened. She didn't even mention it in her note.
Well, I've gone on too long. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this long missive. I think part of the therapy is just getting it out. I've been trying not to think about Kathy and as I typed about her, I began crying. I've been stuffing the sadness, but I guess that's better than drinking to drown it.
God Bless,
Lori
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Orange County, CA
Posts: 14
Anna: The caller ID doesn't work since they block their number. If I don't answer the telephone they try to track me down with the excuse that they are "worried" about me. Remember, I'm 47! My dad seems to think that I don't have a right to choose to not answer the telephone. It used to be great when I had an answering machine so I could screen, but now I have voice mail.
I think my dad's co-dependence issue is that he realy wants me to be dependent on him. Since I have depression issues, a couple of years ago, he told me that I shouldn't try to look for work - just take some time and figure things out and that he would lend me money to live on. Stupidly, I did that and now he feels I'm obligated to do whatever he wants.
I stopped borrowing money from them over a year ago and am just depleting my assets. However, his encoragement to not try to find work and to bankroll me was definitely an enabling factor.
My dad is so convinced that I need him to keep on me with his "tough love" in order to get better that the only way he said he would believe otherwise is to get an expert at Betty Ford or some other respected facility to tell him he's wrong. When I try to explain that his negative comments are not helpful, he claims that I am blaming him for my drinking. I asked him if he would go to alanon and in one breath he said he would do anything to help me. But when I asked him to ask others in alanon about positive vs. negative support, he asked me why I wanted him to do the work when I am the one with the problem. These two things were said within 10 minutes apart in our discussion today. I find it utterly exasperating and crazymaking! I just wanted to hang up on him.
I just can't believe I am dealing with the exact same thing I had to deal with as a teenager with an eating disorder. Ugh!
Thanks for caring.
Lori
I think my dad's co-dependence issue is that he realy wants me to be dependent on him. Since I have depression issues, a couple of years ago, he told me that I shouldn't try to look for work - just take some time and figure things out and that he would lend me money to live on. Stupidly, I did that and now he feels I'm obligated to do whatever he wants.
I stopped borrowing money from them over a year ago and am just depleting my assets. However, his encoragement to not try to find work and to bankroll me was definitely an enabling factor.
My dad is so convinced that I need him to keep on me with his "tough love" in order to get better that the only way he said he would believe otherwise is to get an expert at Betty Ford or some other respected facility to tell him he's wrong. When I try to explain that his negative comments are not helpful, he claims that I am blaming him for my drinking. I asked him if he would go to alanon and in one breath he said he would do anything to help me. But when I asked him to ask others in alanon about positive vs. negative support, he asked me why I wanted him to do the work when I am the one with the problem. These two things were said within 10 minutes apart in our discussion today. I find it utterly exasperating and crazymaking! I just wanted to hang up on him.
I just can't believe I am dealing with the exact same thing I had to deal with as a teenager with an eating disorder. Ugh!
Thanks for caring.
Lori
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Lori
My home fellowship is CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) and it is a 12-step program that helps with codependent issues. About half of the fellowship was people who also went to AA and NA and had relationship issues that needed atttention.
If you can, give it a try, and see if it doesn't help you in dealing with your family. Also, there is a terrific book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie that identifies what codependency is and what we can do to heal ourselves and overcome it. The Nar-Anon forum here has a lot of good information in the posts at the top of that board. Maybe take a read and see if anything clicks.
Codependency is not just about people who love a substance abuser, it's about an inner conflict and pain and struggles in having healthy relationships with people we love, regardless of whether or not they abuse a subsance.
Hope some of this helps a little.
Hugs
Ann
My home fellowship is CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) and it is a 12-step program that helps with codependent issues. About half of the fellowship was people who also went to AA and NA and had relationship issues that needed atttention.
If you can, give it a try, and see if it doesn't help you in dealing with your family. Also, there is a terrific book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie that identifies what codependency is and what we can do to heal ourselves and overcome it. The Nar-Anon forum here has a lot of good information in the posts at the top of that board. Maybe take a read and see if anything clicks.
Codependency is not just about people who love a substance abuser, it's about an inner conflict and pain and struggles in having healthy relationships with people we love, regardless of whether or not they abuse a subsance.
Hope some of this helps a little.
Hugs
Ann
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,509
I agree with Ann totally. It seems that your problem with your family issues and particularly your dad and alcohol is just a symptom. I think if you deal with your issues of autonomy and rebuilding your self-worth, then you'll be able to stay sober. I hope you keep visiting SR as I think we can offer a lot of support and inspiration.
Love, Anna
Love, Anna
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: detroit, mi
Posts: 25
Lori,
yr dad and mine could be brothers!! as far as the alanon thing goes, tell him he's right, its yur problem, and u have to do the work. HE CANT DO IT FOR YOU!! i hope yr 8th day is going well, and im with anna, i hope u keep posting here. good luck, lori, we're here for u!!
xoxo shawn
yr dad and mine could be brothers!! as far as the alanon thing goes, tell him he's right, its yur problem, and u have to do the work. HE CANT DO IT FOR YOU!! i hope yr 8th day is going well, and im with anna, i hope u keep posting here. good luck, lori, we're here for u!!
xoxo shawn
1 bite&all resistance crumbles
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: IRELAND
Posts: 2,208
Hi Lori
Just to say I've read this thread and I am thinking of you - so many things spring to mind that I want to say to you, but I will have to leave it til tomorrow as I am rushing out the door - however, I do want to say : welcome and WELL DONE.
I am so sorry for the loss of your friend, and it's so true what Tramp says when we stop medicating ourselves, we can finally feel - it can be quite overwhelming, but so so healthy and necessary for us.
Wine was also my drug of choice - even though I hate the taste of alcohol - I'd mix it with coke just to make it palateable!? (And I never thought that that was odd behaviour for a 'normal' drinker!)
You've got some great advice here re boundaries, but I know it's hard particularly with an elderly parent. Perhaps a good starting point is to sit them down (one by one, ie DEFINITELY your dad on his own without any sisterly involvement!!!) and speak from the heart as you have done here - I don't think you have to disengage (although if they continue to be destructive to your chances at sobriety, you'll have no choice) but I'd like to see, for your sake, you giving them a chance - having been furnished with all the facts.
Your siblings I wouldn't be as concerned about - tell them to b*gger off if you wish, but parents are different. You don't want to disengage unnecessarily, when maybe all they (he) needs is an upfront discussion about how YOU feel about HIS behaviour...and the way that you would PREFER he would TRY and behave in future - and why...say it's not for debate, this is me and my expectations, can you live with this, or must I, as is being suggested to me, disengage from you.
I think he might listen? I've been so lucky with my mom and dad they have been a constant support but they were probably in retrospect saved alot of the gorey details, although they certainly witnessed revolting drunken MAD behaviour more than once...I suppose what I am trying to say is that the support of my parents has been so wonderful and special for me beyond description.
They thnk of me and pray for me and support me...and Lori if you could be so generous as to offer your dad the opportunity to do that for you too - as much as he can - as a starting point - well all the better for you at the end..and for him.
Anyway! Just wanted to give you a small bit of advice, but most of all welcome and well done - it's awesome what you are doing! Don't worry about rushing the homegroup and sponsor - it will ALWAYS come at the right hand...know that the universe and everything in it is unfolding as it should (Paraphrase Desiderata)
Keep coming back,
(((HUGS))) and Prayers,
Cathy31
x
Just to say I've read this thread and I am thinking of you - so many things spring to mind that I want to say to you, but I will have to leave it til tomorrow as I am rushing out the door - however, I do want to say : welcome and WELL DONE.
I am so sorry for the loss of your friend, and it's so true what Tramp says when we stop medicating ourselves, we can finally feel - it can be quite overwhelming, but so so healthy and necessary for us.
Wine was also my drug of choice - even though I hate the taste of alcohol - I'd mix it with coke just to make it palateable!? (And I never thought that that was odd behaviour for a 'normal' drinker!)
You've got some great advice here re boundaries, but I know it's hard particularly with an elderly parent. Perhaps a good starting point is to sit them down (one by one, ie DEFINITELY your dad on his own without any sisterly involvement!!!) and speak from the heart as you have done here - I don't think you have to disengage (although if they continue to be destructive to your chances at sobriety, you'll have no choice) but I'd like to see, for your sake, you giving them a chance - having been furnished with all the facts.
Your siblings I wouldn't be as concerned about - tell them to b*gger off if you wish, but parents are different. You don't want to disengage unnecessarily, when maybe all they (he) needs is an upfront discussion about how YOU feel about HIS behaviour...and the way that you would PREFER he would TRY and behave in future - and why...say it's not for debate, this is me and my expectations, can you live with this, or must I, as is being suggested to me, disengage from you.
I think he might listen? I've been so lucky with my mom and dad they have been a constant support but they were probably in retrospect saved alot of the gorey details, although they certainly witnessed revolting drunken MAD behaviour more than once...I suppose what I am trying to say is that the support of my parents has been so wonderful and special for me beyond description.
They thnk of me and pray for me and support me...and Lori if you could be so generous as to offer your dad the opportunity to do that for you too - as much as he can - as a starting point - well all the better for you at the end..and for him.
Anyway! Just wanted to give you a small bit of advice, but most of all welcome and well done - it's awesome what you are doing! Don't worry about rushing the homegroup and sponsor - it will ALWAYS come at the right hand...know that the universe and everything in it is unfolding as it should (Paraphrase Desiderata)
Keep coming back,
(((HUGS))) and Prayers,
Cathy31
x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Orange County, CA
Posts: 14
Hi Tramp, Ann, Anna, Shawn and Cathy:
Thanks so much for the posts which were all very helpful and supportive. Tramp, I hadn't realized it but you are right. I was still drinking when Kathy died and wondered why I wasn't grieving. Now that I'm sober, it hit me last night and I was finally able to cry and let go of some of that sadness. It's hard to believe she's gone.
Today was pretty good. No calls from the parental units, but I did have to go buy some shampoo at Savon, where I used to buy my $2 bottles of Chardonnay (the clerks surely know I'm an alcoholic). I was sooo tempted to buy some as I walked past to get some milk. However, I decided to treat myself to my other drug of choice, chocloate. I bought 4 Twix, 4 Kit Kats, 4 White Chocolate Kit Kats and a bag of Belgian chocolate chip cookies along with my milk and shampoo. I ate one of the Twix bars in my car on the way to the next stop and broke out the cookies when I got home.
I was glad to see somewhere recently that there are some health benefits to chocolate. It does give me a lift (whereas wine is an escape and a depressant). I figure that with all of the calories I was consuming with the wine, eating candy isn't much worse. Between the Twix and the 5 cookies, I'm feeling much better and happy that I didn't go for the wine.
I've heard of that co-dependent no more book and will look to buy it. I should probably also go to Codependents Anonymous (I've never heard of that). A former boyfriend who was a psychologist really wanted me to go to ACA (Adult Childred on Alcoholics). When I was a teen and young adult, my dad used to get drunk with his work associates in evening meetings or would stop at bars on the way home from work and arrive home late (sometimes after midnight) and drunk. We didn't know where he was and there was one time we were about to call the police when he finally showed up at 5 am. He had stumbled on the pavement and his battery was dead in his car.
Back then, I was the only person in the family who referred to him as an alcoholic. Since I knew it was futile to talk about it, I just coped the best I could, but there were many, many very hard times. He ruined several holidays and my 16th birthday with his anger (oh, he's also a rage-a-holic). His emotional abuse over my weight issue was the hardest to take as well as watching the emotional abuse he inflicted upon my mom.
Even now, my mom hesitates to call him an alcoholic because he rarely gets drunk anymore, although he drinks almost daily. His excuse was that he is shy and that alcohol loosened him up. Anyway, I come from your typical dysfunctional family.
I am so very happy to have found this forum. I was really looking forward to coming back tonight and am hoping that I can make it through tomorrow, and then maybe the next day.
Now, I have to work on those boundaries and becoming independent/autonomous again.
Lori
Thanks so much for the posts which were all very helpful and supportive. Tramp, I hadn't realized it but you are right. I was still drinking when Kathy died and wondered why I wasn't grieving. Now that I'm sober, it hit me last night and I was finally able to cry and let go of some of that sadness. It's hard to believe she's gone.
Today was pretty good. No calls from the parental units, but I did have to go buy some shampoo at Savon, where I used to buy my $2 bottles of Chardonnay (the clerks surely know I'm an alcoholic). I was sooo tempted to buy some as I walked past to get some milk. However, I decided to treat myself to my other drug of choice, chocloate. I bought 4 Twix, 4 Kit Kats, 4 White Chocolate Kit Kats and a bag of Belgian chocolate chip cookies along with my milk and shampoo. I ate one of the Twix bars in my car on the way to the next stop and broke out the cookies when I got home.
I was glad to see somewhere recently that there are some health benefits to chocolate. It does give me a lift (whereas wine is an escape and a depressant). I figure that with all of the calories I was consuming with the wine, eating candy isn't much worse. Between the Twix and the 5 cookies, I'm feeling much better and happy that I didn't go for the wine.
I've heard of that co-dependent no more book and will look to buy it. I should probably also go to Codependents Anonymous (I've never heard of that). A former boyfriend who was a psychologist really wanted me to go to ACA (Adult Childred on Alcoholics). When I was a teen and young adult, my dad used to get drunk with his work associates in evening meetings or would stop at bars on the way home from work and arrive home late (sometimes after midnight) and drunk. We didn't know where he was and there was one time we were about to call the police when he finally showed up at 5 am. He had stumbled on the pavement and his battery was dead in his car.
Back then, I was the only person in the family who referred to him as an alcoholic. Since I knew it was futile to talk about it, I just coped the best I could, but there were many, many very hard times. He ruined several holidays and my 16th birthday with his anger (oh, he's also a rage-a-holic). His emotional abuse over my weight issue was the hardest to take as well as watching the emotional abuse he inflicted upon my mom.
Even now, my mom hesitates to call him an alcoholic because he rarely gets drunk anymore, although he drinks almost daily. His excuse was that he is shy and that alcohol loosened him up. Anyway, I come from your typical dysfunctional family.
I am so very happy to have found this forum. I was really looking forward to coming back tonight and am hoping that I can make it through tomorrow, and then maybe the next day.
Now, I have to work on those boundaries and becoming independent/autonomous again.
Lori
1 bite&all resistance crumbles
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: IRELAND
Posts: 2,208
Hi Lori
Great to hear from you! Good for you on bypassing the wine!!!That's awesome - just one day at a time. It's good to hear more about your situation - I think I have realised even though my parents are wonderfully supportive about my alcoholism now, and we have a great relationship growing up was a different story. I think to a large extent all of us come from dysfunctional families - I think it's par for the course! Dysfunctional = Families!! Some are of course worse than others. But what's great is that we can break away from that - you do not need to repeat the sins of the fathers.
Your dad does sound like a very angry and sad man and I'm sorry that he was so damaging to you growing up - your mom seems a bit enabling, what do you think - classic I think of that generation (if you're over 30) and also one of the typical responses to someone who is aggressive and alcoholic.
I know they live near to you, but you CAN break away. I would like to see you talk to your dad, when you are ready, and if you're interested, on YOUR terms. most bullies back down when people stand up to them.And you don't need to be unkind about it - just this is me, you conform, I'm trying to recover, the consequences are x if you don't and this is why, I'm not trying to be cruel, but I have to put myself first. See how it goes.
BTW, while my parents are supportive, my sister (also an alcoholic - unconfessed, too arrogant) is too dreadful for words. I made amends about something - she had part to play, but i was apologising for my part - not as part of steps, but just as something I wanted to do - and all she could do was go on about OTHER stuff I had done! (when she had been drunk too and said terrible things) I am so annoyed over it now, but I know I just need to take a breath, pray, and only be responsible for my actions. Some sisters are put on earth to really TRY us!!!
CAthy31
x
Great to hear from you! Good for you on bypassing the wine!!!That's awesome - just one day at a time. It's good to hear more about your situation - I think I have realised even though my parents are wonderfully supportive about my alcoholism now, and we have a great relationship growing up was a different story. I think to a large extent all of us come from dysfunctional families - I think it's par for the course! Dysfunctional = Families!! Some are of course worse than others. But what's great is that we can break away from that - you do not need to repeat the sins of the fathers.
Your dad does sound like a very angry and sad man and I'm sorry that he was so damaging to you growing up - your mom seems a bit enabling, what do you think - classic I think of that generation (if you're over 30) and also one of the typical responses to someone who is aggressive and alcoholic.
I know they live near to you, but you CAN break away. I would like to see you talk to your dad, when you are ready, and if you're interested, on YOUR terms. most bullies back down when people stand up to them.And you don't need to be unkind about it - just this is me, you conform, I'm trying to recover, the consequences are x if you don't and this is why, I'm not trying to be cruel, but I have to put myself first. See how it goes.
BTW, while my parents are supportive, my sister (also an alcoholic - unconfessed, too arrogant) is too dreadful for words. I made amends about something - she had part to play, but i was apologising for my part - not as part of steps, but just as something I wanted to do - and all she could do was go on about OTHER stuff I had done! (when she had been drunk too and said terrible things) I am so annoyed over it now, but I know I just need to take a breath, pray, and only be responsible for my actions. Some sisters are put on earth to really TRY us!!!
CAthy31
x
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: The Field of Dreams
Posts: 7,249
Have you read "The Family Afterward" Pgs 122-135 in the Big Book of AA? If you dont have a copy of the book yet you can also read it on-line here http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Orange County, CA
Posts: 14
Just thought I'd check to let you all know that today was a good day (very busy) and I made it through with only a fleeting thought about drinking. Candy bars and cookies are my transitional drug of choice.
Cathy, your observations about my family are right on the mark. My dad is controlling and has a serious problem with anger as well as a history of heavy drinking. My mom is definitely an enabler but has also been emotionally beaten down. He has to approve what she wears when they go out together, etc. The odd thing is that she is quick to call me an alcoholic but still does not refer to my dad as one or even having been one in the past.
I have tried to talk to my dad about this so many times before, but he keeps stating that I am trying to manipulate him to deny my problem. He really believes that I need him to keep being tough on me. When I try to tell him it does not help and makes it worse he accuses me of blaming him for my drinking and says he knows I'm going to by angry with him for continuing to confront me, but that he will take that because he loves me. He has never understood the concept of positive reinforcement.
I and my whole family are Christians and my parents do pray for me. I tell them that's the best thing they can do for me. I pray that I will develop better boundaries with Dad and that he will come to understand that continued confrontations when I am maintaining soberiety can make it more difficult for me to resist. I ususally become completly exasperated and down when he does that.
Again, I am so very grateful to be here with people who understand and are supportive. I know that it is helping me to resist the temptations.
Best wishes and God Bless You All. I plan to be back tomorrow, God willing.
Lori
Cathy, your observations about my family are right on the mark. My dad is controlling and has a serious problem with anger as well as a history of heavy drinking. My mom is definitely an enabler but has also been emotionally beaten down. He has to approve what she wears when they go out together, etc. The odd thing is that she is quick to call me an alcoholic but still does not refer to my dad as one or even having been one in the past.
I have tried to talk to my dad about this so many times before, but he keeps stating that I am trying to manipulate him to deny my problem. He really believes that I need him to keep being tough on me. When I try to tell him it does not help and makes it worse he accuses me of blaming him for my drinking and says he knows I'm going to by angry with him for continuing to confront me, but that he will take that because he loves me. He has never understood the concept of positive reinforcement.
I and my whole family are Christians and my parents do pray for me. I tell them that's the best thing they can do for me. I pray that I will develop better boundaries with Dad and that he will come to understand that continued confrontations when I am maintaining soberiety can make it more difficult for me to resist. I ususally become completly exasperated and down when he does that.
Again, I am so very grateful to be here with people who understand and are supportive. I know that it is helping me to resist the temptations.
Best wishes and God Bless You All. I plan to be back tomorrow, God willing.
Lori
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