Notices

living on the edge..again!

Old 08-24-2002, 05:43 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Paused
Thread Starter
 
janner's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: san fernando valley, CA
Posts: 11
Post living on the edge..again!

Once again, I am flying through sobriety by the seat of my pants...I don't recall the last AA meeting I went to, let alone shared...When I don't go to meetings, I start acting like I'm not sober and old behaviors find their way out ( I think I just unlocked the little box they were in ). Today I realized just how close I am to getting to the point of no return...I don't like the way I feel, I don't like my attitude and I really don't like the way I have been ignoring me!! OK, that's enough of 'poor, poor me, besides, thinking that way could bring me closer to where I know I don't want to go. I am fortunate to have this knowledge of how I know so much about my sobriety, the program, etc.; yet, just like most alcoholics, I still feel the need to see how much I can handle, or how far I need to push and push until I realize that I don't have to push, I just have to step to the side and let it pass on by... I don't have to do things alone. What a concept!!! When I first got sober, the first time, I never understood what this higher power was all about. But, this time around, ( the 3rd time for those who keep track ), I finally got it!!! The wonderful thing about this program is I don't have to be perfect, even if I still try to be...And even though I have already 'let go' I have to remember that letting go is a constant, to be repeated whenevr necessary and the sooner, the better. It's not just a 'one time only' event for me...And I am grateful to be able to see this before it was too late....I'm sure you all can understand what I say when I felt the weight of the world, my little world, simply vanish when I relinquished control of my life....Well, that's enough form me, I feel much better now than when I started this post...I am glad that I found you guys while surfing the web one night, or early morning, depending how you look at it. I can usually write something down about how I feel, but this time I needed to share this with someone other than myself and whatever computer I was using....Janner
janner is offline  
Old 08-24-2002, 08:32 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Jon
But Very, Very Bruisable...
 
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Palm Springs, Ca.
Posts: 548
Lightbulb

Before the book, before the steps, alcoholics stayed sober by sharing their stories and feelings and by being of service to other alcoholics. it is my belief that God is present when we are honest with each other, and i really appreciate your honesty. I have a feeling that you know what you need to do. Remember always that you will not be doing it alone...

We're glad you found us too.
Jon is offline  
Old 08-25-2002, 04:08 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Addiction Visio
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Janner,
Besides wolves, it appears we have a few more things in common!

I realize that at times the harder I push the more pull I get and the harder I pull the more push I recieve. I hope that made sense :-) Go with the flow and do what you need to get done to maintain your sobriety with little push or pull - in other words, just do it and don't think about the opposite force so much.

Remember the addictive aspect of your personality is very cunning and always looking for ways to be fueled again.
 
Old 08-25-2002, 08:27 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
It is what it is!!!
 
Paulie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
welcome janner -

I have been in the space you are in before. I call it spending to much time in my head. Sounds like you know exactly what you need to do (that does not mean it is easy to do it, I know that). Hit your knees and ask your HP to get you to a meeting. You will feel better, I know it and in your heart you know it.

Keep coming back, this is a great place to share, laugh, cry and make friends.
Paulie is offline  
Old 08-25-2002, 10:22 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: California
Posts: 233
Hi Janner....I know your fine and just checking in but it might not hurt to do a gratitude list. This always helps me, ALWAYS... And you are so right about 'letting it go'. Just about the time I think I've 'Let go' I've already 'taken it back'
Ninerfan is offline  
Old 08-25-2002, 04:51 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Moderator
 
Peter's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
my disease does not live in a bottle.it lives between my ears,speaks to me in my own voice and it always lies.i dont have to be drinking to display the symtoms of my disease.Irritability,impatience,reluctance and critisizing others are just a few of my old behaviors that manifest themselves whenever i stop maintaining my sobriety and i stop maintaining my sobriety when i stop going to meetings,stop working my steps,stop calling my sponsor,stop getting with my higher power,stop working with others.My recovery is not a spectator sport.I have to work at it every day for the rest of my life or i will die. Peter.
Peter is offline  
Old 08-25-2002, 11:18 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Paused
Thread Starter
 
janner's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: san fernando valley, CA
Posts: 11
Thank you all for your insight! It is so refreshing to know that I am not alone out there....I am definitely not alone 'in here'!! I have this little ( and sometimes, not so little) voice that tries to make me feel ok and it's such a liar, to quote you, peter...I went to a speaker meeting last night. I used to be a regular there, however, with my work schedule, I usually work Sat. nights and don't get to go as often as I would like....The format of this meeting is this: intro, readings, ten minute speaker, birthday celebrations of 365 days of con't sobriety, coffee/smoke break and then the main speaker. I explain this because of who the 1st speaker is to me...I met this speaker the day I received my 30 day chip at the same meeting I first went to with 61/2 hrs of sobriety...He was receiving his 60 day chip! We have been friends ever since and yet this was the first time I ever heard him speak in this format (other than sharing at a mtg). It was refreshing to hear what he had to say, he touched on a few things that I could relate to and that's what it is all about, anyway, right?? The main speaker was wonderful and she was also saying just the right things I needed to hear...It's really amazing how we are where we are supposed to be, even when we are not trying to be anywhere!!! As to the othe 'wolf', one more thing we have in common...I was born in Detroit!!!! Anyway, once again, thank you for all of your comments and suggestions...Staying sober one more day....and very grateful....Janner

Last edited by janner; 08-25-2002 at 11:23 PM.
janner is offline  
Old 08-26-2002, 11:15 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Moderator
 
Peter's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
JUST KEEP COMING BACK.I TOO NEED YOUR STRENGTH AND SUPPORT.I HAVE BEEN CLEAN AND SOBER FOR FIVE YEARS AND I DID IT WITH THE HELP OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO CARED ENOUGH TO SHARE THEIR EXPERIENCE STRENGTH AND HOPE WITH ME.WHAT I CAN'T DO ALONE WE CAN DO TOGETHER.peter.
Peter is offline  
Old 08-26-2002, 06:25 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Paused
Thread Starter
 
janner's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: san fernando valley, CA
Posts: 11
Thanks, Peter
It means a lot, fills me up with gratitude that people are saying such nice things about what I write, in comparison to what people have said about my actions while drinking and using...I, too, think it's very important to share what and how we are feeling. For one, it helps release some of the pressure we may have felt while holding/keeping everything inside so no one could see. The other thing, and I'm sure there are more than these two W.O.W. (words of wisdom ), is that the words we share sometimes enlighten others when they weren't looking...Y'know that God of ours has a strange sense of humor, sometimes...lol. Anyway, just want all of you to know that I am doing much better, the inner child is behaving and the demons in my head have retreated for now....Thanks for being here....Janner
janner is offline  
Old 08-26-2002, 10:56 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Moderator
 
Peter's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
I'M GLAD TO HEAR YOU'RE FEELING A LITTLE BETTER.RECOVERY IS'NT ALWAYS EASY FOR ME AND THERE ARE DAYS WHEN I WISH THE WHOLE WORLD WOULD GO AWAY."facing life on lifes terms"CAN REALLY BE HARD SOMETIMES BUT I KNOW I HAVE TO KEEP GOING.REMEMBERING TO WORK MY PROGRAMME AND HAVING PEOPLE I CAN SHARE WITH IS WHAT DOES IT FOR ME TODAY.I'M GRATEFUL I DONT HAVE TO DRINK TODAY AND WITH YOU GUYS SUPPORT AND THE HELP OF MY HIGHER POWER I KNOW I CAN GO JUST ONE MORE DAY.peter.
Peter is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:32 AM.