TracyAgain

If I had to be an addict, I guess I feel lucky that my DOC was alcohol. It's legal. It's socially acceptable, up to a point. I've never been in legal trouble, which is good because I still fear authority. I don't have to steal to drink - but I intentionally bounced a few checks when the well was dry and so was I. I didn't have to have shady people in my life in order to get alcohol.

I don't have to be on methadone or anything. I can sweat through withdrawal and come out of it pretty much okay. I'm not gonna get AIDs by downing a beer. I know where the beer comes from and what's in it.

OTOH, it's legal and it's socially acceptable, so it's everywhere. I don't have to make myself uncomfortable by snorting or using a needle. It doesn't hurt to swallow what I can buy at Safeway in the aisle next to wholesome dairy products.

It's a blessing and a curse, I guess, as addictions go.

Tracy

Gabe

Wow Tracy, just my thoughts here.
Addiction is addiction.
It comes with a plethora of problems in any form.
Drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex addiction.
I can't really see that one is "better" than another.
The walking wounded exist as a result of addiction, whatever form it takes.

TracyAgain

I didn't mean to imply a "better than thou's addiction". Just that I read what people here go through. It seems so hard. I have such a hard time just with this, I think I wouldn't survive what other people go through. But a heroin addict doesn't walk into Safeway and see heroin for sale, so . . . I dunno. I wasn't trying to make a point really. Just rambling. I'll put a "ramble" alert on posts that have no point.

Tracy

Gabe

I know Tracy, perhaps I was just rambling too.
And I wonder if a heroin addict doesn't walk into Safeway and rob it so they can score.
"But for the grace of God go I" feelings are good.

Grimnar

I can see your point Tracy.

Still, the underlying emotional issues have to be tackled. That really where I may suspect the real battles lie.

Phinneas

On Saturday I got a call from my so-called "dealer." It really rocked me, especially since he started to argue with me when I got angry and told him no and to never call me again (WTF?!?). Later, I had the crazy thought that my local bar or liquor store has never called me up and asked where I've been or hassled me. Don't know... Addiction is addiction and a drug is a drug is a drug, but I guess I am especially angry at all the dealers, pushers and pimps out there. They can all go to hell. I've been there and I choose not to live there anymore.

hugs,

phinny

Dan

Our individual stories are what make us the gift we are to the next addict coming through the door. Our stories are also our best defense against going back out ourselves.
I've come to believe there are degrees, levels if you will, of how our addiction manifests outward, for others to see. Part of the progression I suppose.
Alcohol holds the same destructive potential as heroine or codeine or meth.
I didn't believe that. So I found out.
It can hurt to swallow it. Specially coming out of a binge induced, passed out state, where reaction one is to get four or five ounces past my stomach and into my bloodstream so the hallucinations will stop. But my body is in such a toxic state by now that I fail in getting in and holding it.
So I'm at the porcelain altar, looking at my blood form little patterns in the water.
Yep, it can hurt to swallow what I buy at the store.
And as far as social acceptability... Well, suffice to say the line is as easily crossed with alcohol as any other substance. I found that out too. Gonna stop the war stories though.

Alcohol just happened to be the last of my poisons. Not because I used them all. But because I got hurt enough to accept help. Coincidence and circumstance. Nothing more. The difference this time around is that I got the help I needed. I found the sister fellowship where I was told it didn't matter what I used or how much I used.
All that mattered was that I wanted to stop. They would show me and help me understand about my obsessive/compulsive nature, that surely contributed to my life long pattern of jumping from one substance to the other.
That, combined with the singleness of purpose of AA, has made for a winning proposition so far. I'm blessed to be the addict and the alcoholic I am.
Thanks for letting me ramble

tenK

Hi Tracy,

It really is a double-edged sword. I quit smoking a few years back. And the only reason I managed it was because I had moved to an "area" that really frowned on it. I actually felt like a criminal when I lit a cig outside.

On the other hand, it took a few tries becuase they were so accessible. No-one looks twice when a chick walks into a "mart" and buys a pack.

Same with alcohol (except I've alternated where I buy it so clerks don't notice me doing it day after day.)

Val-light

I can relate to switching marts to buy liquor. After awhile, it became embarrassing to show my face at the counter. One time, my husband left a post note on a fifth I had hidden behind a door with a message to the effect that I was getting sloppy. WOW! That IS embarrassing. I really felt like a dufus. Anyway, it's true about the "swallow" thing.
So now, like tenK said, I feel like a criminal when I even think about picking up. And Phinneas, I agree with your sentiments. Great thread from a great group. Thank you.
Val

Time4Me11

Yep...me too. Totally relate to the rotation of shopping for my bottle...and the embarassment at the counter. Even worse? When the guy behind the counter just handed it to me without asking. OUCH!

I love these kinds of stories...these are the kind that I have not been able to share with anyone before. Keep em coming! Let's make a thread of them.

Have a good one.
Lance

TracyAgain

I had three liquor stores that I bought from on a rotating schedule. Using checks helped me keep track of where I purchased last and who was due this time.

Isn't it amazing what we go through to make drinking possible? If I had put half as much time and planning into college as I did into drinking, I'd have a couple of PhD's now.

Tracy

erino134

You know - this thread was interesting to me. I am attempting to recover from a nasty hydrocodone habit. But that habit just accelerated the downward spiral I think. Not to mention that I pretty much stopped drinking just because the pills were soooo much better. (no hangover, no sloppy drunk, etc.). I wonder so much though... had I not found the pills would I have been drinking way too much by now. (I found the pills like 5 years ago). I think I very well may have been. Or maybe I wouldn't be in the crisis mode now, maybe it would have taken 5 more years or so. But I think... no matter what... I would have had an addiction problem. If I hadn't moved from drinking to pills - drinking would probably have been the big big problem for me at some point.

So, either way - I have a huge problem. It would have shown up no matter what I think.

Patsyd1

I cured my pot problem with cocaine. I cured my cocaine problem with crystal meth. I cured my crystal meth problem with pills. I cured my pill problem with booze. Through it all, I drank booze.

My drug of choice was MORE. Whether it was pot, cocaine, pills, speed, or booze. When I am feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, any mind/mood altering people, place or thing that takes me out of myself... will do. Yup, even relationships, shopping, eating, gambling or anything else that gets me out of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin.

Val-light

((((Lance)))
I can totally relate! Here's a bandaid for that OUCH!
Val

AllThatGlitters

It's an interesting idea, and I see your point. There are some circumstances where this doesn't hold true, though. For example, morphine addicts who are also doctors, who keep their addictions secret. Nobody ever sees them drunk, and once they develop a tolerance, nobody sees them high, either. They just recently arrested a surgeon who'd preformed hundreds of surgeries under the influence of morphine, and no one was the wiser until his addiction got so bad that it was obvious he was stealing.

I personally think that people who use drugs like heroin have a "screw the world" attitude, anyway, and the fact that it's socially unacceptable is very appealing to them. Whereas people like you, who are maybe less rebellious, like the safety of alcohol found in its abundance and acceptibility. I'm just speaking from personal experience here. I've never meet a heroin addict who doesn't have an gianormous ego and didn't think that he/ she was exempt from the rules. It kind of goes with the territory.

KelKel

This drunk has been right down in the gutter with my addiction.
I have stolen from the grocery stores to feed my addiction.
I have come to in a hospital, not knowing how I got there or even why I was there. My addiction so strong that I took out the IV and the catheter, and snuck out and hightailed it to the grocery store for my fix...
I have seen bugs on the wall, thrown up and turned around and taken more vodka into my system, working hard to keep it down.
I am looking forward to 10 days in jail for a car accident.dui in 2003. (luckily I was the only one involved)
Total, Total insanity...

And yes sometimes I wonder to myself, what would have happened to me if my DOC was heroine or meth? I most likely would be dead. They say alcohol kill's us more slowly, but I know from experience it is no less insidious.

erino134

WHAT does that mean?

M - 67% F - 11% J - 58%

tenK

Hi erino,

Those percentages are me playing around with some attempt at sobriety. I'm new to trying to quit and am not ready to accept quitting forever.. so I'm keeping track of how many days I don't drink anything.

Before I came to this board I was drinking pretty much every day, maybe one day a month not. So my first month of trying not to drink January, I managed not to drink 58% of the time. Februaury just plain sucked and I didn't do well at all.. but I DID do better than when I wasn't trying at all.

March is going well. I want to beat my January number. I update my percentage every day. It's something I look forward to.

It's kind of a game, but it's what I'm comfortable with right now. I also have a theory that part of my addiction is just plain-ol' habit. (other parts are chemical and emotional and biological -- apparently an alcoholic's brain gets changed over time).. but I'm breaking the habit part, because I can safely explore other things to do other than drink without feeling deprived, or like I've failed.

Chy

I'm an alcoholic, I don't feel lucky at all!

Dan

Bet you're grateful though