GG733

Grkda, sounds like you're right where you need to be. As far as I know this forum isn't a closed meeting so you're welcome anytime. Weather or not you're in denial is absolutly none of my, or anyone elses, business...thats between you and whatever higher power you choose to believe in, if any. So, once again, welcome. If you're curious and have questions, ask away .

icecream pete

Hi G,
Guess we are in the same place 5000 miles apart, cant live with it, cant cope without it, crap isnt it. I dont know about you but I am not in denial, I know exactly where I am and the stupidity of what I do but in some ways it seems safe despite the presipice that I am standing on. But deep inside I know for sure that I must stop drinking, that it and it alone is responsible for most of the crap in my life, sure even if I stop drinking crap will still happen but it cant be as bad as where I am today. And therefore I guess I am in denial, yeah I feel at this moment that I will really miss a cold beer, but I am seeing that as an alcoholic that makes that a big deal out of it, how many normal people wake up every morning thinking about booze, either drinking it or giving it up.

I am not sure that I really want to stop, but I am going to, because I know that there is no way I can think clearly and move forward if I dont. I will figure the rest out as I go. Its become a simple choice, live in the real world crap and all or drink myself to death, at the moment the balance is finely poised, I intend to try and tip it in my favour.

Dont know if this helps, its just where I am.

Good luck

Pete

Andy F

Hi grkda

Why won't you be able to have a beer on those occasions that practically cry out for it?

Thankyou for your posts.

Andy F

grkda

Hi Andy. Are you joking, or...what? I learned the hard way about 10 years ago. I tried to beat it when I wasnt nearly as bad as I am now, thinking I could be the 1 in a million that could stop for a while, then just have one now and then. Didnt work then, and never will for me.

I will assume you are sincere in your question. The reason you cant have that beer on special occassions is that, pretty soon everything is a special occassion. The one and only better idea than having that first beer on a special occassion, is having the second. After that, well you get the picture.

Andy F

In your first post you asked ' Who has the magic secret?'.

I just read your last post and it appears you do.


Andy F

grkda

I guess Im just not following you Andy. I hope I made it fairly clear in subsequent posts that the "magic secret" term I used originally was purely caricature. Improvident maybe, but it is what it is.

Andy F

My apologies grkda

I got the wrong impression from your thread.

Regards

Andy F

jlo34

When I was first introduced to AA (1990) I didn't even know what "sober" meant. I did not feel I was an alcoholic; I felt I was drinking too often and at inappropriate times, but I definitely was NOT an alcoholic. I went to AA meetings for 6 months, got to know quite a few people. During this time I would admit that I was an alcoholic but would not believe it. On my 6 month anniversary, I went out and tried some controlled drinking. I remember controlling the first one going to my lips - can't tell ya after that. I came back the next day (to AA) and admitted what had happened being more convinced that I may be an alcoholic. Another 4 months later my brain drifted off into using behavior (became a dry drunk). I chose not to change those behaviors and then picked up again. I drank for another 2 months - continuing to go to meetings (because those people were my friends and I learned to love them). I too, didn't want that special occassion to happen and me not be able to drink; though "special occassion" referred to anything or any reason.

Bottom line, this last time, drinking took me to near death. I had had a taste of AA, I had seen what it had done for others. I looked where my life was going - and I had had enough AA in me to give me enough hope that I could make a better life for myself.

This last time I quit; I didn't want that drink for a special occassion. I know that if I choose to drink it's because I want to die (and I probably will). I don't remember enjoying "drinking"; I remember enjoying the effects of drinking. Alcohol was the cure all for however I felt.

When I stopped the last time I was 17 (so I drank for about 2 years with a bit of abstinance in-between). Not very long. My drink of choice was JD and Peach Schnapps. Fifth of peach schnapps first then 1/2 fifth of JD - if I was still doing all right finish the JD off (I always tried to save some of it though for morning). Never know when you're going to be able to get your next supply. I tell you rubbing alcohol was NOT my drink of choice. Nor was food flavoring (extract), mouthwash, etc. I really didn't care for beer - didn't seem to do much for me and took up too much precious room. Besides, the smell's obnoxious!!!

So this last time: no, I didn't worry about the special occassions. I didn't worry about the rest of my life. I was willing to go to any lengths to GET and STAY sober. Thankfully, I have stayed sober; my 2 children have never seen me drink; my husband (nor my ex-husband) has seen me drink.

I take life one day at a time; I pray for my Higher Power to help me through the day and thank Him at night; I go to a ton of AA meetings; I get involved in AA stuff; I enjoy my family and definitely my beautiful little girls.

Sadly, there is no "magic wand" or answer. The one Magic Answer I have found is my Higher Power and the fellowship of AA. Knowing that I'm not alone in this adventure helps too.

Good luck.
Jen

Peter

In my first post to you I said: "Who among us at some point or another did not rue the fact early in sobriety that alcohol would always be a danger to us.

Here in Jamaica we produce some of the best beers and rums in the world and the thought of never again being able to sip on a rum and water while watching the Sunday afternoon cricket match made me sad."

In other words grkda nearly every one of us experienced the disappointment that we would never be able to safly drink again.

NB This opinion is not based on statistics but on my own understanding from the people I have met in recovery..

Music

Ok grkda, so you've been somewhat forthcoming in your statements so far. The denial is evident in the fact that you seem to think that alcohol still has some sort of value to you. Otherwise, you'd be ready to make that leap. Until that time comes, the excuses will keep coming. When you run out of excuses to drink, the denial will be gone. "Self-evident truth!!"

By the way, an excuse is a feeble attempt at finding a reason where there is no reason.

grkda

Well, it does. A cold beer does have "value" to me. I think I pointed out that I enjoy(ed) a cold beer. Not quite like I used to, but lets not mince words. I envy those that can have a beer or 2 and then stop. Are you saying that because I will miss a cold beer on a hot day that Im in "denial" about something?

I am ready to make that leap, thats why Im here. Im not sure why you are trying to convince me otherwise.

My excuses dont involve reasons to "continue" drinking. They are a way of "avoiding" or "putting off" what I know will be extraordinarily discomforting and a serious lifestyle change.

What is this "self evident truth" you mentioned?

grkda

Thanks for clarifying. I was starting to wonder if had gone nuts.

Only been here a couple days and I was getting the impression that if I was gonna miss a cold beer, Im not ready to quit. Kinda like saying to a one-lung smoker that if they will miss a cigarette after a meal, they arent ready to quit!

Chy

Hey, I miss my beer everyday, damn I'm an alcoholic, why shouldn't I. Thing about it now, is I just miss it, I don't have to drink it. As mentioned, please take no offense, your biggest supporters are here helping you recognize the faulty assumptions we've got so good at telling ourselves, and you can learn a huge amount from everyone here, you take what you can use (need) and leave the rest.

grkda

What faulty assumptions am I making? I really get the impression that folks are sidestepping or holding back. I dont think Im in denial, I know Im ready to quit, and I certainly believe people here have something to teach me about just doing it.

So far, Ive done alot of talking and no doing.. Is that what you mean? Guilty, if thats where you were going. If something else, please tell me.

GettingSober

Melatonin is the key, makes me switch off in no time flat. I get up a lot but i just plop right down again and go back to dreaming. i never dreamed while drinking.

Getting in shape feels better than booze. I just put on heart monitor around chest and hiked the foothills around boulder, 165 avg heart rate.

Tell me what your plans are for getting active. Funny how you dont have to run a triathelon or lift 1000 lbs. I am rehabing my rotator cuff, dont want surgery this time and just hiking with arms swinging helped 'unlock' the shoulder. Every motion lubricates the joints. My job involves sitting all day.
Booze would cause me to do the same at night.

If we dont move, we age.

GettingSober

Yep, a beer makes a man feel like a new-man, and whats a new man want ? Another beer.

Alchohol=cheap trick, creates dedicated consumers out of some men, even convincing them they are getting their moneys' worth.

grkda

"even convincing them they are getting their moneys' worth"

That just about sums it up.

My plans for getting active: I used to run, dont think I can do it now though. Im ashamed to say I once weighed 140 and ran...quite a ways. I run out of breath just making the bed now . I have arthritis in my lower back so thats the biggest issue. I dont know whether the running caused it or just made it worse but the last time I ran (5 years ago when I was sober for 6 months) I felt like every step was pinching a nerve. A better pair of running shoes nothwithstanding, I think Ill find something less shocking.

I smoke so whatever I do I will have to start out slow. My breath just isnt what it used to be. You might find this odd but fishing actually takes a bit of work. Its something I love and wading the river, waste high or thereabouts, takes no small amount of energy. Ive missed alot of fish the past few years too.

My oldest boy likes to play basketball, wrestle, and ride his bike. I think Ill try to get involved in those things too. Never been a big fan of biking but maybe Ill get into it after a while.

So my plans are: I guess Im not really sure. Hopefully a bit of everything time permitting. Im really starting from scratch physically though. I cant believe how bad of shape Im in these days, and Im only 35.

Thanks for the thoughts.

Chy

I didn't mean to imply you were making faulty assumptions, I know for me it's true is all. I doubt anyone is holding back or sidestepping any issues, just offering their own experiance, as that's how it works.

Music

grkda,
To tell you the truth, I don't give a damn whether you stop drinking or not. Since you've been posting here, all you've done is pick apart responses to your posts. If you don't want to quit, don't. No skin off my butt. If you want to quit, quit! In the meantime, at least have the decency to move away from your family so they don't go down any further while you're trying to make up your mind.....which at this rate, could take months if not years. But hey, you just keep right on truckin' there my friend. No skin off my butt. You have a great day while you're trying to figure out that "self-evident truth".

GettingSober

We ( boss and co-worker ) just climbed 2 hours up the boulder flatiron so the Royal Arch. I went jogged up for a while but my heart monitor said 190 bpm, so I walked then I was so far ahead I wound up on the wrong flatiron, got on the right one then went down like the downhill skier I am and waited at bottom in sun for them. wheh.

Next week friends fly in from chicago my ski steamboat.

btw, I have broken L5 and boss had fused vertabrae but we are active so the spine tolerated it well.

Rollerblade ? Jog ? Mountain bike ?

even putzing around is good - get moving !