bls

I am posting all kinds of my thoughts and problems on this message board because I am lost and I am searching for answers on why I am the way I am. I don't know why I still continue to want a drink. I have tried all kinds of drugs in my past and have gotten off of all of them on my own will (coke, crack, acid, huffing, etc.) but alcohol has a serious hold on me. I guess since I drank at bars only and only going out with friends I never saw it as a problem until one day I realized that blacking out and driving and not remembering how I got home wasn't right or normal. I went to AA as a last resort. At first I was really embarrassed that I was there and this is what has become of me. I thought I was better than AA. But as I sat in meeting after meeting I realized that alcohol has made my character the way it is, and I was not alone. I thought I could do it because it seemed so easy for everyone ( I never attended a beginner's meeting) but now I see that I relapsed once and now find it easier to pick up the one drink becuase it wasn't so bad the last time. I know better than this because of all of the lost time and horror's that came from my drinking. I completly destroyed relationships and trust because of drinking but the addiction told me it was ok and we could live without that person. I still go to meetings but I don't find that same willingness that I use to when I first started going. Sometimes when I speak at meetings and mention I am new or I relapsed I get "preached" to and instanly lose intrest in what they are saying becuase it sounds too much like I am in a church and have "broken rules that will send me straight to hell". I just nod and act like I understand. I leave feeling empty or "thank God that is over". I really want to get well becuase I know there will never ever be a day where I can drink "normally". I am back on the miserable trail of searching and wondering what is wrong with me. Someone please help me!!!!!!

nico

Stop whining, pick yourself up by the bootstraps, make a committment to do something. If AA isn't working check out another recovery method whether it be SMART, Rational Recovery or ? Why do you think anyone else can help you? It has to come from you and you are capable of making a decision. You can actually make a committment to never pick up a drink or do a drug again and still be comfortable in your own skin and have a life. Check it out. If you are together enough to send out articulate SOS posts, I can assure you that you have a rational brain that has within it the ability to abstain or get sober. I hope that you will.

PappaB

Na youre not lost.Danniel Boone, when aked if He'd ever been lost " Nope! but there have been times when I was A mite confused for a week or so"

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easy to wound hard to kill