coming "clean"
coming "clean"
Hi everyone,
Last night at a planned special occasion, I had 2 glasses of wine, and when I got home I had a beer and a half.
In all honesty, I'd been planning to drink at this event since I started posting here and abstaining. I've read so many posts saying that quitting can only happen if you WANT it. The truth is, I don't want to quit, but I DO WANT to drink "normally". Forever is too much for me. The thought of having an event to work towards was the only thing that kept me going for 9 days.. something that hasn't happened in 18 years.
I don't feel guilty. I feel proud because I surpassed my expectations in terms of not drinking days.. and when I did drink, I didn't binge. I plan to not drink for a spell of time again starting today.
I'm very aware of the track record for controlled drinking, but this IS going to be part of my journey. To remind myself that I'm playing with fire, I'm going to type out a couple excerpts from "the book of Caroline".
On drinking just one or two..........
"More important, the moderation philosophy seems counter to one of the most essential aspects of alcoholic experience--namely, that most of us have already tried, and consistently failed, to moderate our drinking on our own, experimenting time after time with control. One man I know talks in meetings about returning to drinking after three years of continuous sobriety. He decided to 'conduct an experiment with controlled drinking' and bought a bottle of Scotch. He had a drink. Nothing 'bad' happened-- he didn't die right then and there or fly into a rage or go mad--so he had another. At the end of the evening, he stood up and announced, to nobody in particular, 'The experiment has failed.' The bottle of scotch was empty."
On drinking only some days...........
"Sean relapsed next. He was one of my favorites, a whip-smart guy who'd been in and out of treatment for a long time. He'd stayed sober at one point for three years, but then decided to try an experiment in controlled drinking. He really wanted to prove to himself that he could find a way to drink, really believed he could do it this time if he just set the right limits. So he went out to the woods one day with a fifth of Scotch and a six-pack of beer and drank it all. One little spree; that would be it for a while. Then he drank on a Saturday, and then the next few Saturdays after that. He'd buy a supply of liquor, an exact amount, and lock himself in his house, drink his liquor and blast old rock-and-roll music on his stereo. He truly believed he could continue to do this, but a few months later he was back to daily drinking, daily blackout drinking, and when he finally woke up one day and discovered that he'd gone to work in a complete blackout and wildly offended nearly every person in his company, he decided to check himself into rehab."
Even last night, I heard the voice in my head whispering about what else was available for me to drink in the house, even before I'd finished one quarter of the second beer.. That voice that used to be MY own impulse.. I heard that voice like it was a separate entity for the first time.. because of the awareness I've developed just the last week or so. I "looked" at the voice, saw it for what it was and dumped the rest of that beer and went to bed with a glass of milk. The addiction literally is a demon isn't it? (Sorry if that last comment is a little freaky.)
Last night at a planned special occasion, I had 2 glasses of wine, and when I got home I had a beer and a half.
In all honesty, I'd been planning to drink at this event since I started posting here and abstaining. I've read so many posts saying that quitting can only happen if you WANT it. The truth is, I don't want to quit, but I DO WANT to drink "normally". Forever is too much for me. The thought of having an event to work towards was the only thing that kept me going for 9 days.. something that hasn't happened in 18 years.
I don't feel guilty. I feel proud because I surpassed my expectations in terms of not drinking days.. and when I did drink, I didn't binge. I plan to not drink for a spell of time again starting today.
I'm very aware of the track record for controlled drinking, but this IS going to be part of my journey. To remind myself that I'm playing with fire, I'm going to type out a couple excerpts from "the book of Caroline".
On drinking just one or two..........
"More important, the moderation philosophy seems counter to one of the most essential aspects of alcoholic experience--namely, that most of us have already tried, and consistently failed, to moderate our drinking on our own, experimenting time after time with control. One man I know talks in meetings about returning to drinking after three years of continuous sobriety. He decided to 'conduct an experiment with controlled drinking' and bought a bottle of Scotch. He had a drink. Nothing 'bad' happened-- he didn't die right then and there or fly into a rage or go mad--so he had another. At the end of the evening, he stood up and announced, to nobody in particular, 'The experiment has failed.' The bottle of scotch was empty."
On drinking only some days...........
"Sean relapsed next. He was one of my favorites, a whip-smart guy who'd been in and out of treatment for a long time. He'd stayed sober at one point for three years, but then decided to try an experiment in controlled drinking. He really wanted to prove to himself that he could find a way to drink, really believed he could do it this time if he just set the right limits. So he went out to the woods one day with a fifth of Scotch and a six-pack of beer and drank it all. One little spree; that would be it for a while. Then he drank on a Saturday, and then the next few Saturdays after that. He'd buy a supply of liquor, an exact amount, and lock himself in his house, drink his liquor and blast old rock-and-roll music on his stereo. He truly believed he could continue to do this, but a few months later he was back to daily drinking, daily blackout drinking, and when he finally woke up one day and discovered that he'd gone to work in a complete blackout and wildly offended nearly every person in his company, he decided to check himself into rehab."
Even last night, I heard the voice in my head whispering about what else was available for me to drink in the house, even before I'd finished one quarter of the second beer.. That voice that used to be MY own impulse.. I heard that voice like it was a separate entity for the first time.. because of the awareness I've developed just the last week or so. I "looked" at the voice, saw it for what it was and dumped the rest of that beer and went to bed with a glass of milk. The addiction literally is a demon isn't it? (Sorry if that last comment is a little freaky.)
Your right, it's a demon. You have to decide what is best for you. If you feel you can moderate by all means go for it. I tried to, didn't work, I wanted to be a normie, but knew I never would be. I don't think of it as a "forever" concept anymore, literally one day at a time, becomes to depressing to think of it in terms of "forever." Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
The addiction literally is a demon isn't it?
No need to apologize for the truth tenK!
Drinking in moderation is not an impossibility for many people. I tried, many times, and failed. In the end, I decided total abstinence was best suited to meet my needs.
As long as I remain honest with myself, I'll be okay.
And it sounds like you're willing to do just that for yourself too.
No need to apologize for the truth tenK!
Drinking in moderation is not an impossibility for many people. I tried, many times, and failed. In the end, I decided total abstinence was best suited to meet my needs.
As long as I remain honest with myself, I'll be okay.
And it sounds like you're willing to do just that for yourself too.
Tenk
Your honesty is so refreshing. I think honesty is so important in recovery.
I lapsed a couple of times since I joined AA last October, but now I don't crave drink and I thoroughly enjoy being sober and much more like a whole person.
You have to do what's right for you.
Good luck and just don't forget that alcohol is Cunning, Baffling and Powerful. So watch out, ALWAYS.
Rich
Your honesty is so refreshing. I think honesty is so important in recovery.
I lapsed a couple of times since I joined AA last October, but now I don't crave drink and I thoroughly enjoy being sober and much more like a whole person.
You have to do what's right for you.
Good luck and just don't forget that alcohol is Cunning, Baffling and Powerful. So watch out, ALWAYS.
Rich
((((((((TenK))))))))))
Hoping and praying the best for you this day and many more. If you find you really and truly want to quit drinking liquor for good and all, but cannot on your own............
I know we have an answer that really works. No more lurking notions for me that I can drink like other(normal?) people and I could never beat the game alone. My own experience and getting honest with myself and others helped me make a decision and follow it with action. LOL Even a bit of non action in the sense of not picking up the first drink which had eventually set the ball rolling again and again for me.
3 Legacy
:tri
Hoping and praying the best for you this day and many more. If you find you really and truly want to quit drinking liquor for good and all, but cannot on your own............
I know we have an answer that really works. No more lurking notions for me that I can drink like other(normal?) people and I could never beat the game alone. My own experience and getting honest with myself and others helped me make a decision and follow it with action. LOL Even a bit of non action in the sense of not picking up the first drink which had eventually set the ball rolling again and again for me.
3 Legacy
:tri
Hi Tenk
The book of Caroline .... .... great stuff, I really enjoyed that book, I must get it out of the library again.
I'm glad your experiment went so well. My last experiment put me on the floor. I can relate so much to the thinking about the next drink. I'd be thinking about my next drink before I had ordered the first. What will you do now.??
much love
JC
The book of Caroline .... .... great stuff, I really enjoyed that book, I must get it out of the library again.
I'm glad your experiment went so well. My last experiment put me on the floor. I can relate so much to the thinking about the next drink. I'd be thinking about my next drink before I had ordered the first. What will you do now.??
much love
JC
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: freezing in Canada!
Posts: 20
WOW, Tenk!
I can't believe I read your post TODAY of all days. A great friend of mine said something to me the other day when I said I had quit....the words, "you realize you can never, ever have another drink once you quit" really sent me into a tailspin! I'm like so many of the others who responded....I desperately want to be the person who has a few and then has that little switch go off in my head that tells me I have had enough. I've tried this before, though and for me, the reality is that "there is NEVER enough!!!".
Thanks for your post, Tenk....I'm definately doing this one day at a time.....focusing on "never" having another drink is too overwhelming right now.
Thanks for your post, Tenk....I'm definately doing this one day at a time.....focusing on "never" having another drink is too overwhelming right now.
learning to walk
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Lexington, KY
Posts: 39
hey,
i really do believe that it's different from person to person. for example, i can have one drink and not even finish it, not because i forced myself not to finish it, but because i'm tired of drinking and i really don't want it. yet other times (a few years ago), i was the drunk finishing other people's drinks at the bar when they'd left them. i no longer have the compulsion to drink until i drop everytime i drink. i'm not saying this will always be-- i can't know the future. but i know that for now, i don't have the compulsion to drink entire bottles of liquor, and pass out, and black out, and all the things that are truly horrible. i can drink normally. yes, i do drink by myself-- one drink. yes, i drink more than some people i know. but i also drink less thank some people i know.
i think things are more complicated than all - or - nothing, black and white thinking. it's not to drink or not to drink-- it's: does drinking this drink benefit me or hurt me? its: does drinking this drink lead to pleasure or pain?
at least that's how it is for me.
best of luck to you on your journey.
i really do believe that it's different from person to person. for example, i can have one drink and not even finish it, not because i forced myself not to finish it, but because i'm tired of drinking and i really don't want it. yet other times (a few years ago), i was the drunk finishing other people's drinks at the bar when they'd left them. i no longer have the compulsion to drink until i drop everytime i drink. i'm not saying this will always be-- i can't know the future. but i know that for now, i don't have the compulsion to drink entire bottles of liquor, and pass out, and black out, and all the things that are truly horrible. i can drink normally. yes, i do drink by myself-- one drink. yes, i drink more than some people i know. but i also drink less thank some people i know.
i think things are more complicated than all - or - nothing, black and white thinking. it's not to drink or not to drink-- it's: does drinking this drink benefit me or hurt me? its: does drinking this drink lead to pleasure or pain?
at least that's how it is for me.
best of luck to you on your journey.
I can only speak about myself and every time I wish to frink like others do I realize I cannot because I am already not thinking of 1 drink but of a bottle. Normal drinkers don't think in terms of bottles but in terms of a glass. The other thing is I never know what that one drink will do to me as it most often changes my persona and I behave in ways i do not ususally behave like. The thought of forever is way too much for me so I just say I am staying sober today and make no promises for the future and that helps me stay sober one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: God's Grace
Posts: 689
Hello, I wanted to be able to moderate my drinking also. I absolutly did not want to stop. I actually was able to do drink like you describe. The problem for me was that the craving for alcohol was still very real and strong. On the days I did not drink, I constantly had to force myself to pick up a glass of milk or coffee instead of beer. I went through the dry evenings expending mental energy to fight off the urge. Was I "dry"... yes. But I was not sober for those days, because the obsession was still a real problem for me. That's only my experience. I also do believe, as ouch mentioned, that everyone's path can be different. So if you are moderating, and your honestly happy - than I think your winning.
The truth is, I don't want to quit, but I DO WANT to drink "normally".
For me, though, if I'm honest with myself I know that I don't have any desire to drink normally. I want to drink as much as I can, get as drunk as I can, and stay that way for as long as I can. The catch is that I don't want to be a "drunk." I'd rather not spend the next 20 years passing out in a blackout every night in the television. I'd prefer not to die of heart or liver disease in my 40s or 50s, and I'd rather not ****-up my daughters' childhood by chosing alcohol over them. I still have lots of times that I need that reminder why I'm doing this though (tonight being one of them).
Thanks for your post. Don't beat yourself up too much over a slip - it's pretty normal. I hope it helps you find your path. Welcome back.
Joe
Member
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: London
Posts: 109
Hi!
I tried 'normal' drinking too.
And failed.
And failed again.
And again.
God knows I wish I could drink normally, but I'm on failure like grey on rain-clouds.
Maybe you aren't such an idiot as I am though and you will be able to do it!
Good luck!!
I tried 'normal' drinking too.
And failed.
And failed again.
And again.
God knows I wish I could drink normally, but I'm on failure like grey on rain-clouds.
Maybe you aren't such an idiot as I am though and you will be able to do it!
Good luck!!
As I understand it, alcoholics can't drink normally. Because our drinking patterns/compulsions are not normal.
I would love to be able to drink normally. I tried it many times - a few times successfully - but as jaysee put it - the end result was always the same - me on the floor bewildered, aghast, how did this happen! When I so badly wanted to just drink normally.
I don't even try and drink normally anymore. I'm beyond kidding myself. I don't drink alcohol full stop. And I take it one day at a time.
I have wasted enough time in my relatively short life lying to myself and fooling myself, ludicrously, about drinking 'normally'. It just doesn't happen for alcoholics.
Period. Ever.
I would love to be able to drink normally. I tried it many times - a few times successfully - but as jaysee put it - the end result was always the same - me on the floor bewildered, aghast, how did this happen! When I so badly wanted to just drink normally.
I don't even try and drink normally anymore. I'm beyond kidding myself. I don't drink alcohol full stop. And I take it one day at a time.
I have wasted enough time in my relatively short life lying to myself and fooling myself, ludicrously, about drinking 'normally'. It just doesn't happen for alcoholics.
Period. Ever.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Arizona
Posts: 872
tenK -- great job restraining, and being honest.
I could control my drinking too. For probably a day or two. I tried so hard, but eventually would be thinking in terms of 12 packs or cases, not by a can or bottle of beer. Eventually I would be drooling waiting for drinking time. Forget working out, spending time with the kids, etc. -- when is it "beer thirty?"
I would love to think that I could someday be a normie, but "once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic." I cannot become a normie as much as a pickle can return to being a cucumber.
Ken
I could control my drinking too. For probably a day or two. I tried so hard, but eventually would be thinking in terms of 12 packs or cases, not by a can or bottle of beer. Eventually I would be drooling waiting for drinking time. Forget working out, spending time with the kids, etc. -- when is it "beer thirty?"
I would love to think that I could someday be a normie, but "once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic." I cannot become a normie as much as a pickle can return to being a cucumber.
Ken
sober in KY
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Wonderland
Posts: 64
I've read a lot on-line about Moderation Management and Harm-Reduction Therapy. They suggest starting out with 30 days of no drinking, then give tips on where to go from there. I'm going to try the 30 days, then if I can go longer I will.
I want to get to where I can drink "normally" too. Eventually maybe get it to one night a week, when I don't have to work the next day, and limit my consumption. Right now my tolerance is WAY up, so after 30 days I'm sure it won't take nearly as much to feel a buzz. Maybe then I can drink without binging.
Today is day one. My hands are shaking as I'm writing this. Best of luck and I'm right here with you, so to speak!
~ashes
I want to get to where I can drink "normally" too. Eventually maybe get it to one night a week, when I don't have to work the next day, and limit my consumption. Right now my tolerance is WAY up, so after 30 days I'm sure it won't take nearly as much to feel a buzz. Maybe then I can drink without binging.
Today is day one. My hands are shaking as I'm writing this. Best of luck and I'm right here with you, so to speak!
~ashes
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