What happened first?
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
What happened first?
From the Friday Affirmations thread...
... in reference to this post.
In my case, I think my beliefs about drinking, and what drinking did for me, were what changed first. Perhaps because of circumstances, which were dire to say the least, or maybe because somewhere inside me, a little quiet voice finally got loud enough for me to hear the words I've had enough.
I'm not sure. But yeah, for me, my absolute walls of denial about me being an addict started crumbling the moment I couldn't see anything of value in the next bottle.
I came to believe, to borrow from AA language, that I had used up all that was good about my relationship with alcohol. There simply was nothing left to be gained. Or maybe I realised that the gains were nothing but ephemeral and temporary masks of my pathetic sick self.
I'm not knocking myself, when I describe myself like that. On the contrary, for me, at this juncture in recovery, I find it important to call stuff as I see it.
So, having changed my beliefs, I was ready to look at my behaviors. Still am.
Many have changed, and some are in the process of changing.
But I have found that the common denominator is a desire for absence of chaos.
If something is going to bring me even the tiniest bit of chaos, I now avoid it.
Be it a behavior, a relationship, a location. Doesn't matter.
No chaos=peace of mind.
Don's post about the horse and rider got me thinking.
And these days, that's simply not the dangerous proposition it used to be.
Originally Posted by Don S
We can change our beliefs. We can change our behavior. Sometimes we change the behavior first, which gets us sober, and then change the beliefs that led us to drink in the first place. Doesn't matter much which way around we do it!
In my case, I think my beliefs about drinking, and what drinking did for me, were what changed first. Perhaps because of circumstances, which were dire to say the least, or maybe because somewhere inside me, a little quiet voice finally got loud enough for me to hear the words I've had enough.
I'm not sure. But yeah, for me, my absolute walls of denial about me being an addict started crumbling the moment I couldn't see anything of value in the next bottle.
I came to believe, to borrow from AA language, that I had used up all that was good about my relationship with alcohol. There simply was nothing left to be gained. Or maybe I realised that the gains were nothing but ephemeral and temporary masks of my pathetic sick self.
I'm not knocking myself, when I describe myself like that. On the contrary, for me, at this juncture in recovery, I find it important to call stuff as I see it.
So, having changed my beliefs, I was ready to look at my behaviors. Still am.
Many have changed, and some are in the process of changing.
But I have found that the common denominator is a desire for absence of chaos.
If something is going to bring me even the tiniest bit of chaos, I now avoid it.
Be it a behavior, a relationship, a location. Doesn't matter.
No chaos=peace of mind.
Don's post about the horse and rider got me thinking.
And these days, that's simply not the dangerous proposition it used to be.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
No Homer, not aimed at anyone at all.
I was just relating my lived experience.
When they tell us in the rooms to look at people, places and things, it's no joke.
Part of changing my destructive behavior is avoiding some of the above.
I was just relating my lived experience.
When they tell us in the rooms to look at people, places and things, it's no joke.
Part of changing my destructive behavior is avoiding some of the above.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,432
Certainly!
I think many people come to the realization that something is dreadfully wrong. Maybe that realization is imposed on them from the outside. So they quit drinking (change in behavior). Then they work on why they were drinking (change in beliefs).
Perhaps others gradually recognize that abstinence is appropriate for them (change in beliefs), but they are fearful of what life will be like sober. These people usually try to drink moderately first, and find that it doesn't work. So they quit (change in behavior).
Some people describe it as a revelation, though perhaps it was something they had already been working towards. Someone here (patsyd?) described being at a meeting and sensing that the speaker was talking directly to her. A sudden decision for abstinence, accompanied by actions to sustain it, would be doing both at the same time.
In my opinion, it is pretty simple to change the behavior, which is why many people succeed at short-term sobriety but start up again. But it is the change in beliefs that leads to long-term sobriety, coupled with changes in lifestyle and some active planning for urges.
There is nothing in my life that alcohol makes better. And there are many things that it makes worse.
Don S
I think many people come to the realization that something is dreadfully wrong. Maybe that realization is imposed on them from the outside. So they quit drinking (change in behavior). Then they work on why they were drinking (change in beliefs).
Perhaps others gradually recognize that abstinence is appropriate for them (change in beliefs), but they are fearful of what life will be like sober. These people usually try to drink moderately first, and find that it doesn't work. So they quit (change in behavior).
Some people describe it as a revelation, though perhaps it was something they had already been working towards. Someone here (patsyd?) described being at a meeting and sensing that the speaker was talking directly to her. A sudden decision for abstinence, accompanied by actions to sustain it, would be doing both at the same time.
In my opinion, it is pretty simple to change the behavior, which is why many people succeed at short-term sobriety but start up again. But it is the change in beliefs that leads to long-term sobriety, coupled with changes in lifestyle and some active planning for urges.
There is nothing in my life that alcohol makes better. And there are many things that it makes worse.
Don S
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: London
Posts: 448
When I got sober I spent a couple of years separating my drinking problem from my living problem. The tendency was to think that if I was not in a fit 'spiritual condition' or if I was not a good boy that meant I would get drunk. I phoned my sponsor early on to ask if I could go and punch someone because I was under the assumption that my negative behaviour would cause drinking.
My behaviour and anger caused me to feel so bad in my early days that relief from myself was the learned behaviour. I had years of painful experience of myself ahead. I had to treat drinking and this living problem (in my case) as separate. I had to take on a new attitude towards alcohol regardless of the other problems caused by how I thought and felt. If I came home and found the wife in bed with the local football team, having a drink was not going to make it better. No matter how much I would like relief from how I feel, my awareness about what I was doing would just make me feel awful from the first drink and therefore there would be no real relief. I developed a new attitude towardsthe act of drinking even though I couldn't live up to my expectations in my behaviour. Fortunately, nowadays, there is much helpful psychology around this already available and formed. regards
My behaviour and anger caused me to feel so bad in my early days that relief from myself was the learned behaviour. I had years of painful experience of myself ahead. I had to treat drinking and this living problem (in my case) as separate. I had to take on a new attitude towards alcohol regardless of the other problems caused by how I thought and felt. If I came home and found the wife in bed with the local football team, having a drink was not going to make it better. No matter how much I would like relief from how I feel, my awareness about what I was doing would just make me feel awful from the first drink and therefore there would be no real relief. I developed a new attitude towardsthe act of drinking even though I couldn't live up to my expectations in my behaviour. Fortunately, nowadays, there is much helpful psychology around this already available and formed. regards
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