squirrelly77

I would like some advice from the more experienced in sobriety. I'm having a really difficult time this holiday season because I've done some really horrible things to my family (STOLE!, lied, etc) and it's hard for me to want to be around them. Even though I'm welcomed, I just feel so self concious and I don't understand why.
Am I having difficulties with forgiving myself? Am I horibilizing the things I did to them? I could be in jail right now if they wanted to put me there. I just told my dad that it's hard for me to be around people...putting on a happy face...trying to pretend that I don't want to crawl into a hole. How can I aleviate these feelings and just go to all the gatherings? How can I deal with the guilt and suck it up???
Any thoughts from you guys? I'm SOOO new to this and all I want to do is hang by myself. But, isn't that just self-pity?
I know I should pray, pray, PRAY. The answer will be there...but I would still like some ESH.
Thanks!

Danielle

squirrelly77

Never mind...I know I'm living too much in the prision of my head. This is even worse than an actual prision.
Getta outta there! And get to a meeting!
Plus I know that I can do whatever I want...I am the captain of my own ship. I need to stop worrying so much. I just need to do the next right thing.
Almost there...

Phinneas

Hi, Danielle. I, too, lied and stole and did all sorts of things I wouldn't have done had my addiction not taken me there. I can relate to the shame, the guilt and the remorse. I go to AA / NA meetings, I got a sponsor and I am working the steps. My sponsor and the people in AA are helping me to deal with the wreckage of my past so that I may move on and heal. There is a way through the maze and through the mess. For me it is in the 12-steps of recovery. It means surrendering, taking inventory, letting go, making amends and all that stuff. It may sound hard, but it works. I think you are right to be concerned. I know that if I do not deal with this garbage inside of me, I will sooner or later drink and use again.

Hang in there.

jojo

Peaches04

Hi Danielle - I have a sister who is a recovered drug addict, and there is nothing - nothing she did not do to my family. but, when she became serious about recovery, you would not have found a prouder or more supportive family. I think you'd be surprised at how forgiving family love can be - and the greatest gift you can give back to your family is to be around and replace those bad memories you created, with new, great memories! I promise - hold your head high...you've done the hard part - you should be very, very proud of where you are today!

squirrelly77

Jo Jo
Thanks...yeah, I didn't take my recovery very seriously until recently. I've been in and out of AA for about 4 years. I'm just glad (yeah glad!) that a near-tragedy--it had to do with my health,has brought me to this point. I know that there is a way out of the maze...and you're right...meetings, sponsors, etc are one of the best ways.
Thanks again.

Brookie

Hey Danielle - Just wondering if you've done steps 8 and 9 yet. Sounds like you've probably got some amends to make before you're likely to feel very comfortable.

Best,
Joe

jlo34

Danielle,

I'm sorry works once in a while. After repeatedly saying "I'm sorry", people stop trusting your words. I have found that the strongest "I'm sorry" is action. Say a heart-felt prayer, get OUT OF YOURSELF, and confront it. No one said recovery was easy. We are asked to do a lot of really uncomfortable things, things we should have done all along. Like doing what's right. Sounds like you're already at the family gathering in your head and projecting. Today is just that, today. Make the best of it. You never have tomorrow, cause it's always today. Yesterday is just history. Force yourself out of the isolation. It's great you've recognized it. A lot of people have a hard time with family, especially that are newly sober. Take your Higher Power with you, step back and pray if you need (want) to. It's ok. Just one day at a time - we are all trudging the road to happy destiny. Not skipping, not jumping: trudging. Thy will, not mine be done.

Going to meetings? You'll find a lot of great support and suggestions there too! Great meeting topic.

Love,
Jen

squirrelly77

Peaches--thank you so much! It's nice to hear that!

squirrelly77

Jlo--thank you for your words of wisdom. I swear the muscles in my back have been sooo sore and tight, and reading all of your guy's posts feels like they're loosening them one at a time!