Going Through Old Photos (uh-oh...)
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Going Through Old Photos (uh-oh...)
Hi! i'm 8 years sober and very proud of it. I've been going through old photos lately & have been feeling sad maybe at how it's all turned out. Admittedly I'm in a bad place unable to let go of my last relationship and feeling very lonely but I was going through photos of my 20s & 30s, travelling all over the place, living in different countries, and just having the time of my life (what I could remember that is). Gosh how did I have so many friends and where are they now?? I have very few friends these days and am lonelier than I've probably ever been before. I've done all that travelling and have opted for the 'experience' lifestyle, not 'having things' lifestyle but I wish I had more at this point. I wonder what I have to show for it all?
I guess I'm feeling the remorse of it tonight, having bad relationship skills & not keeping more friendships or maybe just feeling the absolute drama of letting go of my drinking self and all those memories, "friends" and celebrations. I've not replaced it with much and am kinda white-knuckling things at this point and I think I'm in danger, because my life does not feel like it's much better than it was. I know it is in many ways, but I miss my old self, having all that life around me.
Just thinking out loud. Any other big travellers here that have mixed feelings about it?
I guess I'm feeling the remorse of it tonight, having bad relationship skills & not keeping more friendships or maybe just feeling the absolute drama of letting go of my drinking self and all those memories, "friends" and celebrations. I've not replaced it with much and am kinda white-knuckling things at this point and I think I'm in danger, because my life does not feel like it's much better than it was. I know it is in many ways, but I miss my old self, having all that life around me.
Just thinking out loud. Any other big travellers here that have mixed feelings about it?
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I am also a tee totaler for about the same time, and was also a big traveller, but cannot say I miss it right now.
The thing is, for me, I do not miss the drinking, but I do sometimes miss the things that came with it. But for me, the bad was always so much more than the good, and the good I can have anyway without the booze if I make the effort.
I have never gone to AA, but I have recently been looking at the steps and think they would do me good.
Any thoughts in that direction?
The thing is, for me, I do not miss the drinking, but I do sometimes miss the things that came with it. But for me, the bad was always so much more than the good, and the good I can have anyway without the booze if I make the effort.
I have never gone to AA, but I have recently been looking at the steps and think they would do me good.
Any thoughts in that direction?
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Join Date: Nov 2022
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Hi NAP - I absolutely have had that feeling - still do sometimes but WAY less now. While I was white knuckling it and not working a programme I would obsess about the past, be full of self pity and wonder: why me? Eventually I was so miserable that I decided to go to AA and try to figure out a way of not thinking and behaving in this incredibly damaging and pointless way.
I looked at my past and there were good times and there were bad times - and there will be good times again in the future. I knew that with a lot of relationships, they were never going to be more than temporary and that my old life was not sustainable. I travelled loads too.
I think life changes for everyone as they go from their 20s and 30s into their 40s. Things get quieter, less travel - often, for others, kids are involved (no thank you I say to that!) but regardless things change. The true friends are few and far between and the friends that I am drinking with in my old pics were nice people but not for me in the long term and I would have known that deep down. I did a big analysis of all of my regrets, resentments, misgivings, what have you and delved into what was at the core of those feelings. Once I understood what those fears were, I could appreciate that they were unjustified, overly harsh on myself and I also learned that everyone has them - it's the human condition - we want what we don't have, once had, could have - and are afraid of losing what we have right now. As a result we view the world through a warped lens, overly fearful, overly wistful and lamenting of the past. I dredged up all of that stuff and analysed it bit by bit. I did it honestly and thoroughly with the help of a very loving and understanding sponsor. I was able to put the vast majority of it to one side and focus on moving forward. I realised I didn't have to have all the glitz, glamour, drama - that I enjoyed spending time and nature and that I could go anywhere I wanted on my own, on my terms - and if I wanted to spend the time to find a partner to do it with I could do that too. I also realised that I actually have it pretty good all told. Life is not a bed of roses for anyone - for many it is a tough slog in ways none of us will ever know cos we are too busy focusing on our own stuff. And us alcoholics also have a tendency to make everything about us, which in my case led me to think that everyone hated me and the world was out to get me. Nonsense, noone cared - not in a bad way, people are just trying to keep their own head above water.
I think you would benefit enormously from doing this exercise. It was the single best thing I ever did and has freed me up to live a contented life where I don't need to compare myself to others or the old me - I just need to keep my side of the street clean, try to figure out what gives me true happiness in life and work towards that - I realised that endlessly seeking the approval of others would occasionally give me a brief hit of pleasure but mostly it confined me to a life of misery.
I hope that helps. But no you are definitely not alone, what you are feeling is quite natural I think. But you can learn to spot self pity and move away from it towards more positive impulses if you put in a bit of work.
I looked at my past and there were good times and there were bad times - and there will be good times again in the future. I knew that with a lot of relationships, they were never going to be more than temporary and that my old life was not sustainable. I travelled loads too.
I think life changes for everyone as they go from their 20s and 30s into their 40s. Things get quieter, less travel - often, for others, kids are involved (no thank you I say to that!) but regardless things change. The true friends are few and far between and the friends that I am drinking with in my old pics were nice people but not for me in the long term and I would have known that deep down. I did a big analysis of all of my regrets, resentments, misgivings, what have you and delved into what was at the core of those feelings. Once I understood what those fears were, I could appreciate that they were unjustified, overly harsh on myself and I also learned that everyone has them - it's the human condition - we want what we don't have, once had, could have - and are afraid of losing what we have right now. As a result we view the world through a warped lens, overly fearful, overly wistful and lamenting of the past. I dredged up all of that stuff and analysed it bit by bit. I did it honestly and thoroughly with the help of a very loving and understanding sponsor. I was able to put the vast majority of it to one side and focus on moving forward. I realised I didn't have to have all the glitz, glamour, drama - that I enjoyed spending time and nature and that I could go anywhere I wanted on my own, on my terms - and if I wanted to spend the time to find a partner to do it with I could do that too. I also realised that I actually have it pretty good all told. Life is not a bed of roses for anyone - for many it is a tough slog in ways none of us will ever know cos we are too busy focusing on our own stuff. And us alcoholics also have a tendency to make everything about us, which in my case led me to think that everyone hated me and the world was out to get me. Nonsense, noone cared - not in a bad way, people are just trying to keep their own head above water.
I think you would benefit enormously from doing this exercise. It was the single best thing I ever did and has freed me up to live a contented life where I don't need to compare myself to others or the old me - I just need to keep my side of the street clean, try to figure out what gives me true happiness in life and work towards that - I realised that endlessly seeking the approval of others would occasionally give me a brief hit of pleasure but mostly it confined me to a life of misery.
I hope that helps. But no you are definitely not alone, what you are feeling is quite natural I think. But you can learn to spot self pity and move away from it towards more positive impulses if you put in a bit of work.
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Thanks for your considerate responses.
I think I really need a program. I've been white-knuckling it & suffering in silence for years & am just feeling lower as the years go by and am now eating in an addictive way. I'm so untrusting that I find it SO hard to go, but when I do I feel great. How good would it be to meet others in this same (sometimes intense) experience.
I think I really need a program. I've been white-knuckling it & suffering in silence for years & am just feeling lower as the years go by and am now eating in an addictive way. I'm so untrusting that I find it SO hard to go, but when I do I feel great. How good would it be to meet others in this same (sometimes intense) experience.
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I've been white-knuckling it
For me, recovery started with deep philosophical diving into me. It has made a world of difference and as a result I am coming up on 20 years of continuous sobriety with no regrets or looking back. Today I look forward with the eyes of a child filled with awe, wonder, and optimism at what might be!
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Great posts by Brian in London and Nez.
I can so relate to your post, NAP, and congrats on 8 years. I was also feeling tremendous angst after 3 years of sobriety - I could look back at so many failed relationships, interstate moves, jobs, mistakes from drinking etc. A lot of regrets. I felt like I had lived several lives when I looked back at my life. At the time I was still traveling - living overseas actually, in a developing country. I was in a rocky relationship, and attending AA meetings with a great bunch of expats, and I started to feel maybe I needed to work the steps to experience the miracle so many talk about as my ego was going crazy (constantly complaining and general dissatisfaction.)
I do feel it has merit and works for many but in my case I simply had too much emotional baggage, and the whole concept of character flaws and digging up so much past stuff got to me, especially with no way to make amends after decades. I didn't even know where many of those folks were - we had long lost contact, names had changed, etc. So it didn't help me, in fact it added more weight to my regrets and I relapsed a few months later., in 2017. I don't blame it all on the step work, there were other factors, and I probably did it wrong - dived too deep - but it didn't help me. Nor did having three sponsors - two of which were terrible with their own problems. So be careful if you seek out a sponsor and do the process. Make sure they are competent and you are on the same page wrt how far you plan to get into it.
I have since discovered that some of my "character flaws" are actually a result of ADD, along with the OCD and anxiety I already knew I had and was coping with. I have beat myself up so much over the years for failures that were mostly a result of my disorders, or self medicating them. I was never a really heavy drinker, except in my twenties and early thirties, like many are. It was more about dumping my stress and anxiety with a few every night. After some serious counseling in the years since then I have learned a lot more about myself - how my traumatic childhood experiences created attachment problems, and fear of confrontation, etc. Lots of codependency and guilt around relationships. All of that did a whole lot more for me than the 12 step process, although I was able to finally get sober again after a few years of emotional slips - I am much happier with myself now, but everyone responds differently and needs their own program.
I can so relate to your post, NAP, and congrats on 8 years. I was also feeling tremendous angst after 3 years of sobriety - I could look back at so many failed relationships, interstate moves, jobs, mistakes from drinking etc. A lot of regrets. I felt like I had lived several lives when I looked back at my life. At the time I was still traveling - living overseas actually, in a developing country. I was in a rocky relationship, and attending AA meetings with a great bunch of expats, and I started to feel maybe I needed to work the steps to experience the miracle so many talk about as my ego was going crazy (constantly complaining and general dissatisfaction.)
I do feel it has merit and works for many but in my case I simply had too much emotional baggage, and the whole concept of character flaws and digging up so much past stuff got to me, especially with no way to make amends after decades. I didn't even know where many of those folks were - we had long lost contact, names had changed, etc. So it didn't help me, in fact it added more weight to my regrets and I relapsed a few months later., in 2017. I don't blame it all on the step work, there were other factors, and I probably did it wrong - dived too deep - but it didn't help me. Nor did having three sponsors - two of which were terrible with their own problems. So be careful if you seek out a sponsor and do the process. Make sure they are competent and you are on the same page wrt how far you plan to get into it.
I have since discovered that some of my "character flaws" are actually a result of ADD, along with the OCD and anxiety I already knew I had and was coping with. I have beat myself up so much over the years for failures that were mostly a result of my disorders, or self medicating them. I was never a really heavy drinker, except in my twenties and early thirties, like many are. It was more about dumping my stress and anxiety with a few every night. After some serious counseling in the years since then I have learned a lot more about myself - how my traumatic childhood experiences created attachment problems, and fear of confrontation, etc. Lots of codependency and guilt around relationships. All of that did a whole lot more for me than the 12 step process, although I was able to finally get sober again after a few years of emotional slips - I am much happier with myself now, but everyone responds differently and needs their own program.
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Join Date: Nov 2022
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Interesting adv - I personally don't think it's possible to dive too deep as the key conclusion I reached having done a step 4 which had over 1000 resentments is how meaningless in the grand scheme of things all of these massive millstones were around my neck - Also, gaining an understanding of the ego and how this is at the core of all of our negative feelings in life - and that it is not just me that is landed with this affliction of the ego, but all of us. Even really big stuff will have originated with some botched attempt by our ego to protect us from some perceived fear - natural instincts misapplied is a term they use in the book - we feel like we need to protect what we have so fiercely because our brains misperceive threat everywhere as an outdated survival mechanism - it pits us against our fellow humans causing us to view everything in life through the prism of "self" - the result being a lot of self centred fear - self pity, greed (taking more than our due because of an irrational fear of losing everything - what do we do when we're greedy, we step on people's toes, **** people off and cause conflict), dishonesty, self centredness (making everything about us and concluding that everyone is out to get us / encouraging us not to consider others), envy, arrogance, intolerance, impatience - they are called "character defects" in the book as it was written in the 1930s in a very Christian America but I now know them to be merely the natural consequence of a flawed protection mechanism in my brain - The feelings that gave rise to those acts were not the real me and now I know when to spot when these issues are arising and I know it's an instinctive impulse that I can't control - but what I can control is how I react to it - and to not trust it - sometimes fear is justified; when we are in grave and immediate threat - 99.9999% of the time it isn't - and I have learned that when I am at my most bothered that is when I am most likely to be ruled by irrational fear and not able to respond proportionately. So I learn to process it, reflect. Not react and wait to see if the threat comes to fruition. It almost never does. This comes up time and time again with my business partner who I regularly incorrectly conclude is trying to dominate me in some way. And even if technically he is, I know he is acting on those exact same impulses as I am visited by.
Where the above understanding has helped me the most is understanding that this is how human beings everywhere are wired - I think alcoholics have egos that are more active than most - but we all have egos and when I see someone behaving wholly unreasonably I can understand why and rather than seeing a malevolent force intent on ruining my life I see someone acting on their natural fear impulses that the ego has plagued them with - they are doing a really **** job at trying to protect themselves in some way. To keep what they have and ensure they survive. It allows me to forgive my business partner when he is being a dick - or my friends or family - to not take it personally as it's not about me - none of it is about me.
Sorry if this sounds like I'm preaching the gospel - but removing that moral judgement from the actions and thoughts of first and foremost myself - and then of others - means I am mostly at peace. I realise that things will work out just fine without my intervention - I just need to trust that this will happen. If I don't actively sabotage myself by giving in to these fears then invariably things work out fine. I also find myself dwelling on the past WAY less - as it's ONLY in my head and nooone else is pondering those things - they have moved on - and are living in their own heads - which is tough - so I stop worrying about what has gone on and have some sympathy for the person acting out who is plagued by their default reactions to life.
NAP - if you feel you need a programme great. Go do it and do it with gusto. I agree with adv that the right sponsor is key. You must find someone open minded and gentle - with intelligence who gets the programme and its purpose. It's not about giving up the drink - it's about an entire psychic change through understanding ourselves and others and learning to trust that the universe isn't out to screw us over.
Where the above understanding has helped me the most is understanding that this is how human beings everywhere are wired - I think alcoholics have egos that are more active than most - but we all have egos and when I see someone behaving wholly unreasonably I can understand why and rather than seeing a malevolent force intent on ruining my life I see someone acting on their natural fear impulses that the ego has plagued them with - they are doing a really **** job at trying to protect themselves in some way. To keep what they have and ensure they survive. It allows me to forgive my business partner when he is being a dick - or my friends or family - to not take it personally as it's not about me - none of it is about me.
Sorry if this sounds like I'm preaching the gospel - but removing that moral judgement from the actions and thoughts of first and foremost myself - and then of others - means I am mostly at peace. I realise that things will work out just fine without my intervention - I just need to trust that this will happen. If I don't actively sabotage myself by giving in to these fears then invariably things work out fine. I also find myself dwelling on the past WAY less - as it's ONLY in my head and nooone else is pondering those things - they have moved on - and are living in their own heads - which is tough - so I stop worrying about what has gone on and have some sympathy for the person acting out who is plagued by their default reactions to life.
NAP - if you feel you need a programme great. Go do it and do it with gusto. I agree with adv that the right sponsor is key. You must find someone open minded and gentle - with intelligence who gets the programme and its purpose. It's not about giving up the drink - it's about an entire psychic change through understanding ourselves and others and learning to trust that the universe isn't out to screw us over.
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Thanks Brian - great explanation. I do kind of get the ego thing, having read Tolle and De Mello, in fact I was well aware that it was hard at work making me selfish, separating me from others and complaining.. hence my desire to find a solution by working the steps. I probably just had bad sponsors. An important point is I never had many resentments toward others, or felt I had been screwed - it was all about MY GUILT at things I had done over the years and decades - with no way to make amends to those I suspected I had harmed, because too much time had passed. Hell, I lived in multiple states and countries, dated many women, was married to a lovely woman but messed that up, etc. I can't even find her to apologize for being an a*hole.
I have a lot of guilt and shame naturally, so that's the way I carry the emotional pain. Not anger toward others. Regret, vs resentment. My sponsor was unable to help me with that really although I did write a letter to my deceased father who I was unable to get to see before he died, and I read it to my sponsor. It helped a little. So digging into all of that (I had pages) with no way to effectively resolve any of it just didn't help me. Part of it is the negative self filter that I have, which distorts my perception of events, and my role in them. It's very negative. Counseling has helped with that.
It helped to read your take on it however, and I appreciate the time and effort.
I have a lot of guilt and shame naturally, so that's the way I carry the emotional pain. Not anger toward others. Regret, vs resentment. My sponsor was unable to help me with that really although I did write a letter to my deceased father who I was unable to get to see before he died, and I read it to my sponsor. It helped a little. So digging into all of that (I had pages) with no way to effectively resolve any of it just didn't help me. Part of it is the negative self filter that I have, which distorts my perception of events, and my role in them. It's very negative. Counseling has helped with that.
It helped to read your take on it however, and I appreciate the time and effort.
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Join Date: Nov 2022
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Cheers ADV. Yes, I think having the right sponsor is massive. I think the truth is a lot of sponsors don't practice what they preach and kinda make the relationship one of control where they enjoy the power and telling others what to do. And I guess they get lazy or rush things as all they are really doing is ticking a box to get better themselves. My first sponsor wasn't right for me. HE was a good man - well intentioned - but I now realise that he wasn't as "well" as I had originally thought. I reflect on my work with my current sponsor and see the big gulf. And he doesn't even have that much time. Only a year more than me. But he gets it.
I would say, and I to think that you know this, that the harsh judgements I levelled at my self are from the same impulses that resentments towards others arise. Rather than accept that I simply lived life unskillfully (my sponsor got me into reading a few different Buddhist books and they use that term: living unskillfully - I love it!) and didn't have the tools I needed to avoid the carnage - a form of a mental illness you could say - I make brutal assessments on my own worth as a human. And I made a lot of those too. But I have found a way of forgiving myself for a lot of it. Through working the programme daily (I use the prayers as a form of self programming even though I'm not religious) with prayer, inventory etc it becomes clearer and clearer. I'm not immune from the introspection and regret. I just have found a way to limit it massively.
I suppose I now don't buy into emotive and maudlin ways of viewing humans - none of us have inherent worth, we are all just surviving - but I do think deep down we are all good. And I am now 43. I am halfway through my life and I realise that life is short and all this rumination is meaningless - I simply have to live in the here and now. Besides the ego stuff, the mindfulness thing is the other massive thing I have taken from the programme - looking up and focusing on what's in front of me, taking in my surroundings and being present. I catch myself doing it sometimes and realise: damn, this feels good. I find it harder to do it on will the way many can -but now I'm aware of how awesome it is - and that is usually in conjunction with being out in nature - I try to practice it and get better at it. It'll never be perfect but doing this stuff is a hell of a lot better than living aimlessly going from one endorphin hit to the next.
I know all of the above is really easy to say and I would have read it in the past and said: Oh GMAFB man!!! You smug f@ck. But I think I can say it honestly that all of this stuff in the programme really is helping massively and so I'll preach it to anyone willing to listen!!
I would say, and I to think that you know this, that the harsh judgements I levelled at my self are from the same impulses that resentments towards others arise. Rather than accept that I simply lived life unskillfully (my sponsor got me into reading a few different Buddhist books and they use that term: living unskillfully - I love it!) and didn't have the tools I needed to avoid the carnage - a form of a mental illness you could say - I make brutal assessments on my own worth as a human. And I made a lot of those too. But I have found a way of forgiving myself for a lot of it. Through working the programme daily (I use the prayers as a form of self programming even though I'm not religious) with prayer, inventory etc it becomes clearer and clearer. I'm not immune from the introspection and regret. I just have found a way to limit it massively.
I suppose I now don't buy into emotive and maudlin ways of viewing humans - none of us have inherent worth, we are all just surviving - but I do think deep down we are all good. And I am now 43. I am halfway through my life and I realise that life is short and all this rumination is meaningless - I simply have to live in the here and now. Besides the ego stuff, the mindfulness thing is the other massive thing I have taken from the programme - looking up and focusing on what's in front of me, taking in my surroundings and being present. I catch myself doing it sometimes and realise: damn, this feels good. I find it harder to do it on will the way many can -but now I'm aware of how awesome it is - and that is usually in conjunction with being out in nature - I try to practice it and get better at it. It'll never be perfect but doing this stuff is a hell of a lot better than living aimlessly going from one endorphin hit to the next.
I know all of the above is really easy to say and I would have read it in the past and said: Oh GMAFB man!!! You smug f@ck. But I think I can say it honestly that all of this stuff in the programme really is helping massively and so I'll preach it to anyone willing to listen!!
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I have few pictures of me when I was drinking, but any I do have, I am always struck with a huge feeling of gratitude that I got sober when I did and have no desire to go back to it.
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with no way to make amends to those I suspected I had harmed, because too much time had passed. Hell, I lived in multiple states and countries, dated many women, was married to a lovely woman but messed that up, etc. I can't even find her to apologize for being an a*hole.
I put lots of people's lives in danger by driving drunk, not just other drivers, but pedestrians, bicyclists, road way state workers, etc etc, not to mention all of the collateral people that could have been damaged like family members (victims and mine as well) if I had killed someone through my negligent and selfish behavior. Impossible and unfathomable amount of apologies on that one that could never be accomplished even when approached with complete sincerity. I made and am continuing to do so, my amend to the universe by correcting the behavior.
I used to get drunk and steal plants from other people's front porches and take them home to make my place look like a greenhouse. Easy to trivialize or rationalize that behavior as silly and fairly harmless, however the core behavior is reprehensible by any standards, I stole. Still working that amends so that I don't repeat the behavior.
My mother passed away in my early sobriety. I was her caregiver towards the end. We both grew and healed during this time. Apologies were not necessary nor would they have been significant because they had been made to many times in the past by me. Words, mere words, nothing else. But more importantly and with far more impact, amends were happening, and still are; correcting behavior.
At the end, she was not coherent and one morning she became quite agitated. My wife was an ER and hospice nurse and she told me that Mom was in her death throes, the end was close but the reason for the throes was person had unfinished business. I held her hand and told her I would be "okay" which was mom-speak for sober. When I said that, she relaxed and took her last breath. her work was done.
Apologies are nice. Amends are liberating and make the universe a better place, whether directly or indirectly.
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Join Date: Nov 2022
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Wow, that made me emotional reading that, Nez. And what you have said is absolutely spot on. Talk is cheap. Action is where it's at. Although of course a sincere verbal apology in the right circumstances can have a lot of impact.
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My experience with people in recovery is regardless o them being sober for 8, 9, 10, 20, 30 years. Good mental is not a given with sober time. I know because I have PTSD and understand all the problems that come with it including poor bill of mental health. Because of my treatments/wellness program of action help me maintain an even keel for my mental illness. I went through a lot of treatments in the mental health department the government provides for about 6-7 years plenty of groups plenty of one-on-one counseling. I'm able to recognize mental illness in others more readily. Being around people in recovery with mental illness, I've seen it in my groups I see it in AA. My early experiences with recovery and going to AA we're not helpful because I was experiencing PTSD symptomology. And because of that going to AA resembled going to church too much for me to handle, but I kept going to my detriment. I must've spent 5-6 years in AA and a just spinning my wheels and not liking the higher power bit at all. AA/church triggered my PTSD without me knowing why. Now I know why. Treatment works 
IMO the parallels of AA and religion are just too close for me to endure these days. The whole ego business resembles atonement to God's stuff or somewhere there around that religious universe. I've investigated AA, it's roots from the beginning to its current day. I enjoy reading the 'orange papers' from time to time it's humorous in my eyes. Then again that's some more untreated PTSD maybe. It's a tricky illness to acquire believe me you don't want it. If you have it you wanna treat it vigorously. Because mental illness sober or not can have you at rock bottom where you are at the end of a rope literally dangling. People with mental illness have a horrible suicide rate and it doesn't take much to push somebody over the edge I've noticed.
Sure I did a lot of crappy stuff to a lot of people. And my addiction was running amuck along with my untreated PTSD symptomology, I was a wreck. So it's no wonder I was wrecking other people's lives just being around me. I did not choose PTSD, I did not choose to wreck people's lives and my own. That choice was taken away from me. I was robbed cheated swindle bamboozle F-ed over by my mother. Oh well life sucks when you hurt people and other people hurt you. Maybe you do need to go back and change the past, make amendes, do what you feel is right in your heart, I did. I have been forgiven, I have forgiven others and blame no one including myself for anything that has been done in ill temperament.
Meditation, the clear mind variety has help my mood beyond my wildest dreams. How nice it is to shut off the thinker and just sit and experience. Without judgment, rumination without any thought whatsoever. A undisturbed mind allows me to center myself and realize that there is the here and now. The more I engage in it the better off I am. Sitting still puts me in the center of the experience, I can absorb it clearly without thinking about it, without anticipating it, nothingness in the head is pretty cool. You wanna try it if you don't do it. I think it's one of the best mental health aids out there. I believe people are not taking full advantage of it in recovery. Also mindfulness with clear mind meditation allows you to be aware of the moment and experience the moment better together. Kinda a mental symmetry going on. I believe meditation breaks me a way temporally from all those stressors that happen in my life. It's like a taking refuge from the storm.
IMO the parallels of AA and religion are just too close for me to endure these days. The whole ego business resembles atonement to God's stuff or somewhere there around that religious universe. I've investigated AA, it's roots from the beginning to its current day. I enjoy reading the 'orange papers' from time to time it's humorous in my eyes. Then again that's some more untreated PTSD maybe. It's a tricky illness to acquire believe me you don't want it. If you have it you wanna treat it vigorously. Because mental illness sober or not can have you at rock bottom where you are at the end of a rope literally dangling. People with mental illness have a horrible suicide rate and it doesn't take much to push somebody over the edge I've noticed.
Sure I did a lot of crappy stuff to a lot of people. And my addiction was running amuck along with my untreated PTSD symptomology, I was a wreck. So it's no wonder I was wrecking other people's lives just being around me. I did not choose PTSD, I did not choose to wreck people's lives and my own. That choice was taken away from me. I was robbed cheated swindle bamboozle F-ed over by my mother. Oh well life sucks when you hurt people and other people hurt you. Maybe you do need to go back and change the past, make amendes, do what you feel is right in your heart, I did. I have been forgiven, I have forgiven others and blame no one including myself for anything that has been done in ill temperament.
Meditation, the clear mind variety has help my mood beyond my wildest dreams. How nice it is to shut off the thinker and just sit and experience. Without judgment, rumination without any thought whatsoever. A undisturbed mind allows me to center myself and realize that there is the here and now. The more I engage in it the better off I am. Sitting still puts me in the center of the experience, I can absorb it clearly without thinking about it, without anticipating it, nothingness in the head is pretty cool. You wanna try it if you don't do it. I think it's one of the best mental health aids out there. I believe people are not taking full advantage of it in recovery. Also mindfulness with clear mind meditation allows you to be aware of the moment and experience the moment better together. Kinda a mental symmetry going on. I believe meditation breaks me a way temporally from all those stressors that happen in my life. It's like a taking refuge from the storm.
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