I'm back again, and I'm very scared
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 20
I'm back again, and I'm very scared
Hello,
I've been here before, but I started drinking again. I thought I could moderate and most of the time I did. But I carried on drinking the other night and drank until I passed out. I stayed up all night, on my own. I don't know why I do this. My parents were drinkers and I watched them drinking growing up. I even drank with them from the age of 15. Most people think I have it all together. I think I am bipolar and the binges happen when I'm in a manic episode. I am scared to drink, scared to not drink but I want to be free of this awful fear and self-loathing. I'm so lost right now and just trying to get through the day.
I've been here before, but I started drinking again. I thought I could moderate and most of the time I did. But I carried on drinking the other night and drank until I passed out. I stayed up all night, on my own. I don't know why I do this. My parents were drinkers and I watched them drinking growing up. I even drank with them from the age of 15. Most people think I have it all together. I think I am bipolar and the binges happen when I'm in a manic episode. I am scared to drink, scared to not drink but I want to be free of this awful fear and self-loathing. I'm so lost right now and just trying to get through the day.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
Hi SweetSunshine - I'm so glad you came back.
That was my big mistake - insisting I could control the amounts I drank if I used enough willpower. Every time it was in my system it led me into danger.
The only way to stay safe is to never touch it. I wish it hadn't taken me so many years to admit it.
You can get free again, Sweet - we will help.
That was my big mistake - insisting I could control the amounts I drank if I used enough willpower. Every time it was in my system it led me into danger.
The only way to stay safe is to never touch it. I wish it hadn't taken me so many years to admit it.
You can get free again, Sweet - we will help.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
I think fear keep us in places we are not meant to be. I too was afraid to not drink. I was afraid to keep drinking. Ultimately, it came down to claiming my life. Believing in myself. Knowing I can make the change. Its hard. If you think you are have mental health issues, then seek out a qualified professional to help you get on level ground. You can do this. There are resources. This place has helped me on my many journeys. It will help you too. Stay close. You are meant to have a good life and removing the alcohol will only prove to be a 100% positive.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
I can only offer my experience, not advice. I wasted a lot of time and my life trying to moderate. All I did was to prolong the misery that I was mired in.
At one time I thought that if I held my consumption to 3 beers, everything would be great. I would get the magical buzz funny feeling that I was looking for, without things progressing to the proverbial sh*tstorm. The flaw in that line of thinking was that the time frame between 3 beers kept getting shorter and shorter until in no time at all, it was the inevitable 24/7 sh*tstorm. But yet, I still pursued it like a madman possessed.
This was me, big time! All four things have disappeared with sobriety. It didn't happen overnight and it took work...but it happened! The effort that it took to be sober and experience recovery has lessened the more time that I am. The effort that it took to attempt to moderate increased the more times I tried it. So did the misery.
Sobriety/recovery has become the easier softer way for this alcoholic. Who wooda thunk!!The only way I learned this, was by doing it, otherwise I too would still be lost, scared to drink, scared to not drink.
I didn't need to live that way. Neither do you!
At one time I thought that if I held my consumption to 3 beers, everything would be great. I would get the magical buzz funny feeling that I was looking for, without things progressing to the proverbial sh*tstorm. The flaw in that line of thinking was that the time frame between 3 beers kept getting shorter and shorter until in no time at all, it was the inevitable 24/7 sh*tstorm. But yet, I still pursued it like a madman possessed.
I am scared to drink, scared to not drink but I want to be free of this awful fear and self-loathing
Sobriety/recovery has become the easier softer way for this alcoholic. Who wooda thunk!!The only way I learned this, was by doing it, otherwise I too would still be lost, scared to drink, scared to not drink.
I didn't need to live that way. Neither do you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 20
Thanks Nez and thanks Dee, I've read a lot of your words over the years. It's so comforting to return and see you still here and some of the other wise names I recognise. I want to be alcohol free. I really do. I always feel a sense of peace and calm when I am not drinking. That can be me. Future me. Old me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 158
Originally Posted by SweetSunshine 
Hello,
I've been here before, but I started drinking again. I thought I could moderate and most of the time I did. But I carried on drinking the other night and drank until I passed out. I stayed up all night, on my own. I don't know why I do this. My parents were drinkers and I watched them drinking growing up. I even drank with them from the age of 15. Most people think I have it all together. I think I am bipolar and the binges happen when I'm in a manic episode. I am scared to drink, scared to not drink but I want to be free of this awful fear and self-loathing. I'm so lost right now and just trying to get through the day.
I've been here before, but I started drinking again. I thought I could moderate and most of the time I did. But I carried on drinking the other night and drank until I passed out. I stayed up all night, on my own. I don't know why I do this. My parents were drinkers and I watched them drinking growing up. I even drank with them from the age of 15. Most people think I have it all together. I think I am bipolar and the binges happen when I'm in a manic episode. I am scared to drink, scared to not drink but I want to be free of this awful fear and self-loathing. I'm so lost right now and just trying to get through the day.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by TheWayBack
Hi. Hang in there. Do you have a doctor you can talk to about this? Don't quit cold turkey, try to get help from a doctor so you can get off the alcohol the right way. Maybe you can try to taper down now? Keep us updated.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,417
SweetSunshine,
The first few days are a slog but you will feel better the more sober days you have. Keep going, I know it’s hard, but the feelings you are having are going to fade. You’ll have to do some work, but every effort is with it. Just remember, the only way out of the dark is not to drink- no matter what. Do get some help from a medical professional if you think you are experiencing bipolar disorder, there is no reason to try and manage that and your sobriety on your own. So glad you made it back!
The first few days are a slog but you will feel better the more sober days you have. Keep going, I know it’s hard, but the feelings you are having are going to fade. You’ll have to do some work, but every effort is with it. Just remember, the only way out of the dark is not to drink- no matter what. Do get some help from a medical professional if you think you are experiencing bipolar disorder, there is no reason to try and manage that and your sobriety on your own. So glad you made it back!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 20
Day 3
Hi friends
just checking in on day 3. Very emotional still and really feel raw, but also hopeful for a better future. Having a tea now while partner has a wine (out for meal) and feel a sense of calm with not having to have alcohol. I know I’m vulnerable but I really don’t want it anymore. I’m coming back here to form a new habit of checking in and reminding myself that I’m not different- I have the same malady as everyone else here.
thank you for listening
just checking in on day 3. Very emotional still and really feel raw, but also hopeful for a better future. Having a tea now while partner has a wine (out for meal) and feel a sense of calm with not having to have alcohol. I know I’m vulnerable but I really don’t want it anymore. I’m coming back here to form a new habit of checking in and reminding myself that I’m not different- I have the same malady as everyone else here.
thank you for listening
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
Sweet - that's how I felt, too. Emotional & a little disoriented. We've beaten ourselves up rather badly & need time to heal as we get free.
It's good that you're checking in. We all remember what the early days are like. Thankfully, we never have to go back to that miserable place.
Congrats on your 3 days! Things are going to get so much better.
It's good that you're checking in. We all remember what the early days are like. Thankfully, we never have to go back to that miserable place.
Congrats on your 3 days! Things are going to get so much better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 20
Just checking in on Day 4. Very emotional and tearful, reading so many SR posts. Read all of FiveTries' experience and related so much to his internal dialogue, slipping in and out of quitting. It's painful to read and I admire his honesty very much. There's so much I want to say, but for now I am just staying close. Obladi said many things in that thread which struck a powerful chord for me. I'm here to learn.
With much gratitude,
xo
With much gratitude,
xo
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Putting down the drink is, from at least one perspective, an act of self-love. Having been without it for too long, we’re not prepared for care and concern from anyone. Including ourselves. It’s unfamiliar and scary.
Having an openness to the possibility of being accepted as you are by helpful others helps to not feel so alone while engaging in a struggle that often feels impossible.
I don’t believe I’d ever have gotten sober without a lot of help from real people in real life.
There are so many things I never knew, just never learned, about myself. Not all of it great stuff, but I at least learned what I needed to work on.
You can take it as an adventure, an opportunity to do something remarkable for yourself that requires challenging ourselves to work through difficult times. With the help of others.
Both pain and confusion often indicate growth and change. The difficult path is often the best one.
When I was new to sobriety/AA my sponsor would say, “I wish you a slow recovery.” When I’ve been struggling in life with important matters, a crucial element of the remedy is slowing myself down, slowing my life down.
I’m doing it right now.
And you found the right place.
I‘be used SR over the years, and I don’t know of a better place to get the kind of support we need. And it never stops.
So much care and concern. Wisdom. Practical magic. Help that helps. It can be an amazing thing to witness.
The moderators have been among some of the best people I’ve known. Compassion, empathy, fairness and, one of their superpowers, a preternatural capacity for patience.
I’ve taken breaks here and there, but I left in a huff a while ago when I took someone’s complaint as trivial. And then criticized him for it.
It was eventually a reminder to me that I still needed to keep on working. It just doesn’t scare me as much anymore.
Having an openness to the possibility of being accepted as you are by helpful others helps to not feel so alone while engaging in a struggle that often feels impossible.
I don’t believe I’d ever have gotten sober without a lot of help from real people in real life.
There are so many things I never knew, just never learned, about myself. Not all of it great stuff, but I at least learned what I needed to work on.
You can take it as an adventure, an opportunity to do something remarkable for yourself that requires challenging ourselves to work through difficult times. With the help of others.
Both pain and confusion often indicate growth and change. The difficult path is often the best one.
When I was new to sobriety/AA my sponsor would say, “I wish you a slow recovery.” When I’ve been struggling in life with important matters, a crucial element of the remedy is slowing myself down, slowing my life down.
I’m doing it right now.
And you found the right place.
I‘be used SR over the years, and I don’t know of a better place to get the kind of support we need. And it never stops.
So much care and concern. Wisdom. Practical magic. Help that helps. It can be an amazing thing to witness.
The moderators have been among some of the best people I’ve known. Compassion, empathy, fairness and, one of their superpowers, a preternatural capacity for patience.
I’ve taken breaks here and there, but I left in a huff a while ago when I took someone’s complaint as trivial. And then criticized him for it.
It was eventually a reminder to me that I still needed to keep on working. It just doesn’t scare me as much anymore.
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