TheWayBack

I feel like a tough guy tonight. Well, not really, but... I spent last night and today in a house literally filled with alcohol and cold beer in the fridge and I was tempted. But my sober run continues now past 7 months and into 2023. I just was going to drink a beer because this is the longest period of abstinence for me, since 2008, so in 14 years. I thought about it, you know, my addictive voice was telling me to just do it, why not? Well, I thought about it and I decided that if I could convince myself of any good reason why I should do it, I would. I couldn't think of one good reason why having a beer would benefit me in any way. So, I guess for the first time in a long time, I actually outwitted the inner voice telling me go ahead, have the drink. My wife even asked me right before she just headed off to bed if I drank any of that beer. I told her no, I thought about it, but I changed my mind. She seemed happy with that. I'm not sure I am happy, but it seems like a small victory, or something.

Dee74

I'm so glad you won out
My inner addict could be pretty tricky though - mine would have said 'hey you got through that without drinking, maybe your relationship to drinking has changed...hey you might even be a normie now...'



Don't fall for the lies - you've got this, TheWayBack

D

Free2bme888

Well done!

BrianinLondon

Hi TheWayBack, how are you doing now? Still feeling strong?

RDBplus3

I Drank myself to death a little while back... and I have almost 10 years Sober.
Obviously I didn't really drink myself to death, but this PROVES to me why I Can NOT Drink.
We had a full house of relatives staying for a long weekend - kids, non-parenting parents, with dogs, etc.
At some point I went into our bedroom and laid down, away from the non-stop insanity. I thought to myself - If I still drank - I would grab a fifth of liquor and direct chug at least a few full gulps. Then I thought, oh hell no, I would just chug and chug, then I imagined I would actually keep chugging until I passed out from chugging - to block it all out - this was Actively Engaged Imagination / Wishing I was Doing It - to drown it all out, and I Imagined NOT stopping my chugging the liquor until I would Actually Pass Out.
Then I realized - I WOULD Do This - and I would most likely end up puking while unconscious - and Most Likely DIE From it - BUT, It Would Drown It All Out.

THAT IS MORE PROOF THAT I CANNOT SAFELY EVER PUT ALCOHOL OR DRUGS IN ME EVER AGAIN.
And the Benefit is that by practicing my program of Sobriety, and Spiritual Maintenance - I am actually Living Happy, Joyous and FREE.
I went back out and joined in the chaos...

Dee74

hows it going TheWayBack?

D

TheWayBack

Not all of the time. I just don't drink because I'm so scared of it. I really did not know how bad alcohol screwed me up until I had been abstinent for this long. Now I feel like someone who woke up after a 12 year coma and with amnesia. Sometimes I sit for a very long time, quiet and wondering how any of this even happened. It's like I was in a coma and woke up and all of my life, all of that time has just disappeared and left me feeling like a small child who has completely forgotten how he did things when he was an adult in the time before. I seem to be in a state of disbelief that this really happened. I wake up in the morning thinking all of this must have been a bad dream. Then I know it's real and I cannot believe I did any of the things I did. I don't know how I went through all of those terrible hangovers, how I thought that important things were to be ignored because I had to drink and did not have time to bother. So now I'm like a social recluse, just like I was when drinking and I don't know how to relate to people and I'm scared to even try it. I'm just scared most of the time, very scared. I don't know where I go from here.

I'm scared of drinking again. But I don't know how I live like this either. I'm not happy. I might be for a few moments sometimes when I think things might get better, but then I don't really know what I need to do. All my life skills are gone, there is nothing left. It feels hopeless.

TheWayBack

I'm having a rough period. I suffer with anxiety. Always have, but it's worse now. I haven't drank, so there is that anyway.

Dropsie

I am sorry about the anxiety. I have had that too over the years. Not drinking really helped me, but are you getting other treatment?

silentrun

I could have written that post it is so true to my experience. I felt like I feel asleep at the wheel and woke up to realize I was in the other lane with a semi headed right for me. Any where but being an active addict, whatever that takes.

If I was advising myself at 7 months in I would say "just keep doing the next thing and don't sorry about where this is going" It was not until the second year any of the pieces started to fit. You'll start to follow the flow and get your life back. I also ended up asking the doctor for help at a year sober, I should have asked sooner.

I wouldn't put myself in a situation where I had to "resist temptation."

AAPJ

Your title reminded me of an old REO Speedwagon song. It's not always good to be tough.

REO Speedwagon - Tough Guys - YouTube

TheWayBack

Yeah, I have a psych now. Counseling doesn't work for me, there's nothing to counsel and I won't listen anyway. It's just as simple as this. I have always had anxiety and some degree of depression, since as long as I can remember. I self medicated with alcohol and that worked and of course it was a total disaster for my health and just made things worse in the long run.

I take Buspirone, well I try. I can't really take it because the side effects are intolerable (nausea, dizziness, debilitating fatigue). The longer I take it the worse the side effects are. So that's a dead end.

I take Gabapentin and that helps sometimes a lot, and sometimes not at all.

I don't know an answer and my doctors and my psych have no answer. And now I'm old. Sometimes I think like an old cat, I will just wonder off somewhere and die.

I am alcohol free 222 days as of today and I feel like total garbage almost every day.

TheWayBack

That's one of my least favorites, but I love a lot of their stuff. Roll with the Changes is great.

Dee74

I can feel like your only two options are to be a recluse, or to drink - but that's not the case.

The third option is a rich full, sober life
I have a better social life now than I ever did as a drinker.

It took time for me to get here tho - I had to learn to be social without alcohol, and learn to be ok with alcohol being around me.

I call it building up my super muscles.

I started with social things that had nothing to do with drinking - walks picnics, art galleries, movies, hobbies - and gradually built up to where I knew I did not want to drink again and I could do anything, within reason, with anyone, at any time.

If you suffer from anxiety, and did before you even started drinking, it makes sense to find help dealing with that too, but if I did it, you can do it too

D

TiredCarpenter

Naltrexone changed my life.
It stopped the rampant squirrel cage activity in my mind.

It is not just for early recovery. I’m taking it daily at over 5 months sober.
I told my doctor that I would stay on it for life if he’s ok with that.

Note: I had a twenty year sober stretch. I feel more peace of mind now, on the naltrexone, than ever before.

BrianinLondon

I am scared of drinking too. It's actually the number one thing that is securing my sobriety these days. That and the fact that it has been so long since I last drank that it's just not on my radar anymore. My life has moved on without it.

I hope things improve for you. Support groups like AA are good for my anxiety as I know it's the one place where I can be myself.

Twelvecans

Congratulations on seven months