Go Back  SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information > Alcoholism Information > Alcoholism
Reload this Page >

Is it possible to be a good parent/role model with alcoholism?



Notices

Is it possible to be a good parent/role model with alcoholism?

Old 12-27-2022, 08:58 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 20
Is it possible to be a good parent/role model with alcoholism?

Over the past 8 years my son has seen be at my worst as I have lived with alcoholism and what went with that as well as the excessive drinking, being agressive, being sacked from my job, being arrested, going in and out of prison and not being there for him. Since getting out this time I have managed to stay sober which I didn't las time so I am proud to say I am now over 3 years sober. I never thought I would say that. I think and I hope taht I have turned my life around but still know that every day is a new challenge. I am on license/parole but am back working and keeping busy and meeting my Probation Oficer.

My son is 15 now and I am very worried that he is starting to go down the same path as me. I knoiw I have been abad role model for him and I know my ex blames me for the way things are with hiim now. I would give anything for him not to make the same mistakes as me and to stay out of trouble and avoid addiction.

I know he's smoked for a while - that doesn't really bother me as I smoke too and was smoking when I was his age. He has started drinking recently too according to his Mum and I am worried about this but he said to me it was just a few cans and when I pushwed him he just said not everybody is an alco like you. What could i say to that?

He was always good at school but in the last year he has started getting into trouble for minor things and says he wants to leave school next year when he is 16, He says he wants to join the Army and learn a trade - you can join British Army at 16 with parental consent and I would be delighted if he did although his mother isn't too keen on that. However he had to go to Children's Court in the New year for the first time and if he gets a record it would be much harder for him to get into the Army. He says what happened was a once off and it won't happen again and I want to believe him but I know what it's like. He is cocky enough saying he will probably only gert probation or something and obviously throws back at me that I have done much worse and why should he listen to me anyway when I've been in prison when he was growing up.

I know he has missed out on having his Dad around through my own fault and given my alcoholism and criminal record it is hard to get through to him. I am guilty that he sees what I did and have mafe him witness as normal and I have no idea how I can be a good parent to him even no when I am getting back on track and he is a bit older. I know that overall he is a good kid but am really worried about his future.
David29 is offline  
Old 12-27-2022, 11:29 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
venuscat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,021
Hi David,

One of the most powerful mentors, for lack of a better word, that I ever had was an AA friend by the name of Johnny. Johnny spent a lot of years in prison for manslaughter, and the story is horrific—you don't need it in your head. But Johnny went into the prison system, did a ton of AA, and came out a different man.

He made every mistake you could make and suffered the consequences, and then he spent as much time as he could helping recovering alcoholics. I live in a different country now, but I am betting that Johnny is still doing his thing and helping others to find sobriety and peace.

I don't think your son can find a better role model than a dad who has done the hard yards and come out with an understanding of what life is all about. s ❤️
venuscat is online now  
Old 12-27-2022, 12:06 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,565
Well he does sound cocky and that may make it difficult for you to get through to him.

One thing you said, that he mentioned, really stands out:

he just said not everybody is an alco like you. What could i say to that?
Perhaps that's a great conversation starter. All you have been through has probably taught you a lot, perhaps you understand alcoholism (if you think you need to understand more, there is lots of great information out there).

A reply might be - No, not everyone is an alcoholic, do you know what alcoholism is? I would then wait for an answer. He probably doesn't understand addiction at all at his age. I didn't, my Father was an alcoholic and frankly I never questioned it. You could tell him that he has a predisposition for alcoholism, that anyone can become an alcoholic and once you do you are addicted for life (the pickle not being able to turn back in to a cucumber is a good analogy I think).

Many armed services are a hot bed for drinking, so perhaps his Mother's caution is not misplaced. Then again, it might just be the making of him. So that's an unknown.
trailmix is online now  
Old 12-28-2022, 05:12 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
voices ca**y
 
silentrun's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,350
My problem started when my daughter was only 6. I didn't do anything to get into trouble but I set such a bad example. I normalized having to have a drink in your hand for any leisure activity. Our kids model our behaviour. She got caught drinking when she was 15 and I blew it off but then at 16 she got caught again at a school dance. That was my wake up call. I stopped and set a better example. She's 26 now and not a drinker. The girl she got caught drinking with is in serious trouble now. You are still his father, he will still model your behavior. There is still time to change the road he is on and save him this. Absolute and complete accountability about how your drinking affected your life and his.
silentrun is offline  
Old 12-30-2022, 06:28 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
EndGame
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Worrying about whether you adversely influenced your son's behavior or that he may repeat your mistakes and make up some of his own will not help either of you. My bet is that it will probably make things worse for most people.

It might help to find something physical to do, something that's a challenge, to break apart your anxiety like thin ice, while you walk this line. Something spiritual as well -- and I cast a very wide net for what that is.

It's a very simple thing that is extremely difficult to reverse once we get in the habit of taking responsibility for other people's mistakes and bad behavior. And I truly mean it when I write 'extremely difficult'.

The people who tried to rescue me never succeeded. Even when I warned them in advance.

I for one am worried about your smoking. And you must be as well. See what you can do about that.
EndGameNYC is offline  
Old 12-30-2022, 06:48 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
nez
Member
 
nez's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
he just said not everybody is an alco like you. What could i say to that?
Say the truth, something along the lines of...Yes that is true but it is because I know the hell of alcoholism that I don't want anyone, especially my son who I love very much, to experience the things that I did; the pain I put myself myself and love ones (you) through because of my selfishness actions and thinking I was all cool and had it under control. It was a huge mistake and one I regret. I can't change what I did, but I only hope that you don't have to repeat my mistakes because I love you.
nez is offline  
Old 01-06-2023, 06:59 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Not a native English speaker
 
Renegade2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Latin Europe
Posts: 152
I consider myself a great dad, my kids have fun with me and I never hurt them because of alcohol. So, yes, it's posible.
My only regret is sometimes have had a can of beer in my hand/nearby while playing with my youngest... Hopefully he will not remember it when he grows up.
Now, the oldest one, a teenager, already thinks of me as most of the times with a can of beer or a glass of wine around the house. Sometime ago we went to the supermarket and walked by the liquor isle and told me "Look dad! This must be your favorite isle, so many different drinks!", I quickly reply "Yeah, but I don't need any right now, let's go", while smiling... I just shrug that off quickly.
I cooked a delicious meal yesterday and we both ate it and drank water. We talked a lot about school and had some laughs. I think our relationship is great to be honest.
Now if I could only get this demon out of me, my life would be much better...
Renegade2 is offline  
Old 01-06-2023, 08:56 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
RDBplus3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Athens, Georgia
Posts: 962
Is it possible to be a good parent/role model with alcoholism?
My experience:
+Actively Using Alcoholic / Addict - Not really - It is VERY possible to have good intentions, and it is VERY possible to be a good parent 'as much as possible' - but this is subjective to the DELUSION of the Actively Using Alcoholic / Addict. The REALITY of the overall / full spectrum of life, as it affects ALL THE HOSTAGES in the Life-Sphere of the Actively Using Alcoholic / Addict is VERY DIFFERENT from the DELUSIONS.
+ Recovered Alcoholic/Addict Living Fully in the state of being Happy, Joyous and FREE of the Drinking/Drugging - ABSOLUTELY.
WHAT WE HAVE IS A DAILY REPRIEVE BASED ON THE MAINTENANCE OF OUR SPIRITUAL CONDITION.
In this constantly maintained state, I KNOW that I have a 'Condition' that I cannot safely EVER use Alcohol or Drugs - this 'Condition' is MY personal reality. The Maintenance of My Spiritual Condition, based on the 12 Steps of AA, as based on the Biblical Concepts they are derived from, keeps me practicing Spiritual Principals that work effectively in relation to Others (especially my immediate contacts such as family), to Myself (Inner Drives, Automatic Responses, Feelings, Core Beliefs, etc), and my Creator.
RDBplus3 is offline  
Old 01-06-2023, 10:01 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
nez
Member
 
nez's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Is it possible to be a good parent/role model with alcoholism?
If still actively drinking, yes, but any good role modeling will be lessened and/or negated by the bad examples being shown at the same time.
If not actively drinking and in recovery, without a doubt and the potential is there to be the best role model possible. Good role modeling will be even more empowered by the journey from darkness into light and the example being shown of overcoming difficulties and adversities.
nez is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:18 PM.