Back Again
 

Hi All - I posted here for a brief while around 6 years ago and then left. I guess life happened and I believed that I was no longer a problem drinker.

Well, everything has changed, and, yet, nothing has changed. Here I am, again, still recovering from a binge over the weekend. What concerns me is that the binges seem to be happening with more frequency now and despite my intentions not to drink. I think I’m ready to be done. Planning to post here for support and accountability.

Welcome back Highdraw :)

D

Glad to see you, HighDraw.
Who knew that when people said, "This thing is progressive," that applied to us, too!?

I'll be looking forward to your updates.

O

High Draw, here is the AVRT definition of addiction. Do you think it describes your situation?

Addiction:
Addiction is chemical use or dependence that exists against one's own better judgment, and persists in spite of efforts to control or eliminate the use of the substance. Addiction exists only in a state of ambivalence, in which one strongly wants to continue drinking alcohol or using other drugs, but also wants to quit or at least reduce the painful consequences.

Glad to see you High Draw, welcome.
Yeah this was me as well. I found myself drinking at times that i had sworn I wouldn't. And even though I never set out to get drunk, every time I drank I got drunk; and it became 24/7.

You are in the right spot. I have come to the conclusion that whether my drinking was a problem or not (although it undoubtedly was), I have way less problems sober than I had when I was drinking. Who wooda thunk!!! :~)

Thanks all for the welcome. This affliction certainly is progressive and it is perplexing.

I think I’ve struggled with labels in the past - alcoholic, problem drinker, hard drinker, etc. I think I’ve realized that these don’t matter. What does matter is that drinking is not constructive for me and I have a legitimate desire to give it up.

I can identify with all that you have said. Your future is bright. Welcome back to SR!

Welcome back!

Hi HighDraw - it's so good to see you.
That's what happened to me - the binges were more often, more damaging & harder to recover from. I didn't realize it, but I was growing more dependent on it.
In the end, I was drinking every day - my behavior was reckless & I was causing pain to everyone around me. Posting & reading here helped me find the inspiration & courage to stop. That was nearly 15 yrs. ago & I never looked back.
You can do it.
Welcome back!

HighDraw, you're right, the label doesn't really matter. If alcohol is negatively affecting your life, then stopping drinking is the answer. And, we're here to offer support.

The reality of alcohol for me was an existential threat. When I came to see it that way, I was willing to do whatever it took to stay sober.

To say "drinking isn't constructive and I'd like to give it up", that's pretty mild. This is not a subtle lifestyle choice here. Think more along the lines of a thug with a gun pointed at you, or a vicious pit bull snarling at you up close.

Really appreciate all of the support from everyone. Feeling good today. Time to start making a plan for the rest of the week. My pattern goes something like this: drink, feel bad, pull myself together, convince myself nothing is wrong, and then drink again. Not going to allow that this time. Drinking is no longer an option for me.

First weekend is in the books and we are on day 9 sober. Really felt great to avoid drinking. I made sure to fill my time to ensure that I wouldn’t be too tempted.

I feel optimistic about this try but I know that I need to stay vigilant. I suppose the real work begins when I try to understand why I always ran back to drinking. It seems overwhelming, so for now, I think I’ll just continue saying that I will not drink today - it’s no longer an option for me.

For those with significant sober time, does the why even matter? Or is it simply something that you put in the past?

I spent years thinking I needed to know the 'why' to stop...but it turned out I just needed to stop.
For me the why mattered less and less the more I stayed sober.

D

Welcome back HighDraw :wave:

Welcome back High Draw, the ole' rinse repeat got ya beat. Been there, nothing you can't do just start anew. You'll get it, just keep at it.

Funny thing about that, I drove myself crazy with "why" I drank for years and I keep relapsing. When instead I focused "how" to not drink in present, I no longer relapsed.

When I let go of my stranglehold on my need to know why, the "whys" started to come to me at the right time and right place of their own accord. It happened when I was ready to use the answer to grow and strengthen my sobriety and recovery. Before I was ready, I probably would have abused or inappropriately used the answer.

I can't explain it, but I no longer try to.

Keep going… everything you need will come at the perfect time.

Thanks Dee, Purp, Sudz, and Nez - really appreciate the feedback. I am actually quite relieved to hear what you shared. I think it’s probably simpler, at least for now, to continue focusing on just not picking up a drink.

Day 11 today and starting to plan out my time for the back end of the week and the weekend. No plans on drinking, my resolve feels strong but I am not taking this lightly. Day by day, brick by brick.

Great work on 11 days Highdraw, and bunch of great advice here on SR

❤