Failed after 76 days 😢
My best life starts now!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2022
Posts: 21
Failed after 76 days 😢
I can't believe I did it. I was so so happy in sobriety so why on earth did I choose to get drunk?
I don't know if it was anxiety (we were at Notting hill carnival) but I can't stop crying today and am so ashamed.
Everyone has been so supportive and now will be so disappointed.
I feel like all my hard work has gone down the toilet. I didn't enjoy the day, I was sick, I fell over, I argued with my very best friend (admittedly that bit really wasn't my fault) spent tons of money I couldn't afford and I just absolutely HATE myself today and want to hide under the covers forever.
Just having a rant I guess, seeing if writing it all out helps but if anything its just making me more sad 😔 I'm so so disappointed in myself and I just despair at my life being like this forever.
The amount I drank in a short time was crazy as well and I was only actually happy for a few minutes then I was just drinking more to stop myself feeling horrible. I kept saying "go hard or go home" laughing my head off but inside I was honestly panicking like mad. The whole thing was awful and I can hardly bear it today 😭
I don't know if it was anxiety (we were at Notting hill carnival) but I can't stop crying today and am so ashamed.
Everyone has been so supportive and now will be so disappointed.
I feel like all my hard work has gone down the toilet. I didn't enjoy the day, I was sick, I fell over, I argued with my very best friend (admittedly that bit really wasn't my fault) spent tons of money I couldn't afford and I just absolutely HATE myself today and want to hide under the covers forever.
Just having a rant I guess, seeing if writing it all out helps but if anything its just making me more sad 😔 I'm so so disappointed in myself and I just despair at my life being like this forever.
The amount I drank in a short time was crazy as well and I was only actually happy for a few minutes then I was just drinking more to stop myself feeling horrible. I kept saying "go hard or go home" laughing my head off but inside I was honestly panicking like mad. The whole thing was awful and I can hardly bear it today 😭
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
Hi StartingLife 
Going to a carnival/festival is a big ask for anyone in the first 90 days.
If you’re going to do something like that I think you really need to plan something like that out - how willI stay sober, what can I do if someone else wants me to drink, what can I do if I want to drink?
Just winging it can often bring you undone.
Maybe instead of looking at this as a failure you can look at the things you’ve achieved in your 76 days sober? You’re not going back to square one - this is recovery version 2.0.
Learn from your mistakes. You can use what happened this time to make sure your plan is even more robust next time
D
Going to a carnival/festival is a big ask for anyone in the first 90 days.
If you’re going to do something like that I think you really need to plan something like that out - how willI stay sober, what can I do if someone else wants me to drink, what can I do if I want to drink?
Just winging it can often bring you undone.
Maybe instead of looking at this as a failure you can look at the things you’ve achieved in your 76 days sober? You’re not going back to square one - this is recovery version 2.0.
Learn from your mistakes. You can use what happened this time to make sure your plan is even more robust next time
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
You returned back here to continue to learn how to
stay away from the first drink which is the most important
one of all. That 1st drink pulls us back into our addiction
without mercy, pulling us back onto that roller coaster
or merry go round of insanity.
Coming back here to share what happened took strength,
recognition and willingness to put this behind you and learn
how to stay sober no matter what life throws our way.
There are so many that never return. Yet you did. That
is a huge move on your part.
It doesnt matter how much sober time one has, but rather
the quality of your recovery. Work now on building a stronger
recovery foundation to live your life upon to achieve many
of lifes amazing blessings.
Stay strong, positive and hold on to your recovery support
that will help you all along the way in your quest to achieve
continuous sobriety.
stay away from the first drink which is the most important
one of all. That 1st drink pulls us back into our addiction
without mercy, pulling us back onto that roller coaster
or merry go round of insanity.
Coming back here to share what happened took strength,
recognition and willingness to put this behind you and learn
how to stay sober no matter what life throws our way.
There are so many that never return. Yet you did. That
is a huge move on your part.
It doesnt matter how much sober time one has, but rather
the quality of your recovery. Work now on building a stronger
recovery foundation to live your life upon to achieve many
of lifes amazing blessings.
Stay strong, positive and hold on to your recovery support
that will help you all along the way in your quest to achieve
continuous sobriety.
My best life starts now!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2022
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by Dee74 
Maybe instead of looking at this as a failure you can look at the things you’ve achieved in your 76 days sober? You’re not going back to square one - this is recovery version 2.0.
D
I think because I've been dealing with all my feelings sober I am just more emotional as a person now than I was in active addiction and it shows, I've cried so much which I never would have done before.
Definitely too much yesterday, I will make sure I'm much more prepared before any similar environment. I may even avoid situations like this entirely for a long while.
My best life starts now!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2022
Posts: 21
Thanks aasharon90 I am definitely NOT wanting to drink again any time soon so luckily it's likely to have been a one day only slip as opposed to a full on slide back to where I was 2 and a half months ago.
Does anyone know how common it is for this to happen?
I may try and go to my first meeting this week as the feeling I got just before I had that first drink was really strange and I think I need help to learn how to manage some bits of this x
Does anyone know how common it is for this to happen?
I may try and go to my first meeting this week as the feeling I got just before I had that first drink was really strange and I think I need help to learn how to manage some bits of this x
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
"I am definitely NOT wanting to drink again any time soon"
When learning how to stay sober successfully, we have to
learn how to change our way of thinking too.
As an alcoholic, we learn that there can be no thought of
ever being able to drink normally, successfully or in moderation
because it can't be. Ever. We have to squash that thought,
that small wish, dream, or maybe, that one day we can drink
or have just one without consequences that follow.
Support in numbers or amongst those like ourselves, surrounded
by like mind folks is a awesome move in the right direction.
When learning how to stay sober successfully, we have to
learn how to change our way of thinking too.
As an alcoholic, we learn that there can be no thought of
ever being able to drink normally, successfully or in moderation
because it can't be. Ever. We have to squash that thought,
that small wish, dream, or maybe, that one day we can drink
or have just one without consequences that follow.
Support in numbers or amongst those like ourselves, surrounded
by like mind folks is a awesome move in the right direction.
sober style
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 2,384
Funny thing, my very first sober streak was 75 days back in early 2016. That lead me to finally posting here on SR and getting involved instead of just reading and lurking. Sober now for over 5.5 years btw.
StartingLife, you can do this. Sobriety is a skill we can learn but it takes a lot of diligent effort and practice over time. You're just getting started, don't be discouraged. The best is ahead for you, keep at it.
StartingLife, you can do this. Sobriety is a skill we can learn but it takes a lot of diligent effort and practice over time. You're just getting started, don't be discouraged. The best is ahead for you, keep at it.
My best life starts now!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2022
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by SnazzyDresser
Funny thing, my very first sober streak was 75 days back in early 2016. That lead me to finally posting here on SR and getting involved instead of just reading and lurking. Sober now for over 5.5 years btw.
StartingLife, you can do this. Sobriety is a skill we can learn but it takes a lot of diligent effort and practice over time. You're just getting started, don't be discouraged. The best is ahead for you, keep at it.
StartingLife, you can do this. Sobriety is a skill we can learn but it takes a lot of diligent effort and practice over time. You're just getting started, don't be discouraged. The best is ahead for you, keep at it.
My best life starts now!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2022
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by Purplrks3647
I agree with everyone here…try not to see it as a “failure” - You don’t lose those 76 days….Nice work coming right back…Keep moving forward!
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,337
Sorry you chose to drink.
use it, and the lesson, to move forward.
Remember how crappy this feels. You didn’t disappoint us, but your soul is crushed. I’ve been there too, too many times.
I had to decide, and remember, sober doesn’t kill the soul. It frees it.
Learn to ride those urges, they only last about 10 minutes.
Glad you came back
use it, and the lesson, to move forward.
Remember how crappy this feels. You didn’t disappoint us, but your soul is crushed. I’ve been there too, too many times.
I had to decide, and remember, sober doesn’t kill the soul. It frees it.
Learn to ride those urges, they only last about 10 minutes.
Glad you came back
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Did you go to the festival planning to drink or had you decided how you would not drink at the festival? There are going to be lots of these kinds of situations that arise.
I have rule that I don't pick up alcohol with my hand. It's hard to put it in my own mouth if I don't pick it up.
I'm not being flippant. It's a mental tool I use. Early in sobriety someone attempted to put a beer in my hand and at that moment imaginary gongs went off in my head. NoNoNoNoNo!! I did exactly like the AA Big Book said and, "recoiled as if from a hot flame."
I think we all have to make some internal Rules. #1 is (of course) "I do not drink, no matter what." . . .and then every action after that has to back it up. Otherwise defeat, mental and physical illness and self-loathing will follow.
I have rule that I don't pick up alcohol with my hand. It's hard to put it in my own mouth if I don't pick it up.
I'm not being flippant. It's a mental tool I use. Early in sobriety someone attempted to put a beer in my hand and at that moment imaginary gongs went off in my head. NoNoNoNoNo!! I did exactly like the AA Big Book said and, "recoiled as if from a hot flame."I think we all have to make some internal Rules. #1 is (of course) "I do not drink, no matter what." . . .and then every action after that has to back it up. Otherwise defeat, mental and physical illness and self-loathing will follow.
My best life starts now!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2022
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by biminiblue
Did you go to the festival planning to drink or had you decided how you would not drink at the festival?
The reason I say that is because I had those niggly thoughts in the week that maybe one day I could drink again and I even googled "can an alcoholic ever drink again" .I also had a couple of tough days where I really had to fight the urge to drink so was I already half way there before I even went if that makes sense?
I also didn't prepare, I didn't eat, I didn't pick up soft drinks for the journey and when we arrived the very first thing we got too was a rum punch bar in the street and it was a split second decision and then too late and omg did I go in hard. It was worse than any time before sobriety. I was like a woman dieing of thirst. It's making me feel physically sick even typing this 🤢 so ashamed.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by StartingLife
I'm not entirely sure NOW. I mean I was not planning to drink of course, or was I?
The reason I say that is because I had those niggly thoughts in the week that maybe one day I could drink again and I even googled "can an alcoholic ever drink again" .I also had a couple of tough days where I really had to fight the urge to drink so was I already half way there before I even went if that makes sense?
I also didn't prepare, I didn't eat, I didn't pick up soft drinks for the journey and when we arrived the very first thing we got too was a rum punch bar in the street and it was a split second decision and then too late and omg did I go in hard. It was worse than any time before sobriety. I was like a woman dieing of thirst. It's making me feel physically sick even typing this 🤢 so ashamed.
The reason I say that is because I had those niggly thoughts in the week that maybe one day I could drink again and I even googled "can an alcoholic ever drink again" .I also had a couple of tough days where I really had to fight the urge to drink so was I already half way there before I even went if that makes sense?
I also didn't prepare, I didn't eat, I didn't pick up soft drinks for the journey and when we arrived the very first thing we got too was a rum punch bar in the street and it was a split second decision and then too late and omg did I go in hard. It was worse than any time before sobriety. I was like a woman dieing of thirst. It's making me feel physically sick even typing this 🤢 so ashamed.
I was really careful about what/when/with whom/where in the first few months. I knew I was shaky internally. I knew if I didn't have a plan I'd probably find myself in over my head.
Next time you go to something like this, have answers ready in your mind to reply to, "Oh, just have one! One won't hurt, c'mon," etc. I need a firm answer to those things. I also make sure I have an exit plan. I've left a few places without explanation when I've felt my sobriety is threatened in some way.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Wyoming
Posts: 2,994
I think it is wonderful you are standing up and being honest. I thought when I went to a 28 day rehab in 2008 I would be fine. I was married to an Alcoholic and cocaine abuser. I blamed him of course for all of it. I went 6 months and we went on a weekend trip and I blew it with 2 drinks. It got a h-ll of alot worse gradually. You are very brave and strong to be here and recognize your situation. Sometimes life just sucks for everyone. I’ve been through cancer, relapse after 4 years off and on an am now having gratitude I’m still alive. Get all the help and what you need to get through this. I’m rooting for you. It will get better no matter what happens. I love the Joe Walsh song Living a Life if Illusion. Keep posting and forgive yourself. You can do this!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 743
That's 76 days of your life you took back from drinking. Now you have seen some of the reality of some consistent sobriety vs the reality of what one drink can do. Nothing like a head full of recovery and a belly full of drink.
If you are an alcoholic, no matter how bad you felt after the last hangover, that obsession to drink is likely coming back and could get strong at times over the next few weeks. These next few weeks will be critical in getting back up off the ground into long term recovery.
Its probably the perfect time to go to meetings and read the AA literature. Especially the step 1 stuff. Its not just my life is unmanageable, like I thought after getting arrested. Its so much more. It's not just an understanding and acceptance of our condition. It has to get really deeply rooted to build the rest of recovery on.
If you are an alcoholic, no matter how bad you felt after the last hangover, that obsession to drink is likely coming back and could get strong at times over the next few weeks. These next few weeks will be critical in getting back up off the ground into long term recovery.
Its probably the perfect time to go to meetings and read the AA literature. Especially the step 1 stuff. Its not just my life is unmanageable, like I thought after getting arrested. Its so much more. It's not just an understanding and acceptance of our condition. It has to get really deeply rooted to build the rest of recovery on.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,966
yeah, learn from this, can you start a journal, add meditation? What else can you add to your bag of recovery tools? There are lots of programs available, maybe pick one and work it? Women for Sobriety, Men for Sobriety, Life Ring, SOS, AVRT, SMART, Celebrate Recovery, AA Agnostica, AA....
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,921
You had 76 days of sobriety, that's a great acomplishment.
You signed up on this website back in June, probably because you were concerned that you might be an alcoholic.
You got drunk after 76 days, that's the kind of crap we do.
Stop beating yourself up and focus on getting a sober day today. And whatever your sobriety plan was for the first 76 days, now is a good time to add more components to it.
My worst "relapse" was after a sober period of 5 and 1/2 years. And it took me a year of struggling to finally get sober again for good. My problem was, I got complacent. Don't do ever do that.
You signed up on this website back in June, probably because you were concerned that you might be an alcoholic.
You got drunk after 76 days, that's the kind of crap we do.
Stop beating yourself up and focus on getting a sober day today. And whatever your sobriety plan was for the first 76 days, now is a good time to add more components to it.
My worst "relapse" was after a sober period of 5 and 1/2 years. And it took me a year of struggling to finally get sober again for good. My problem was, I got complacent. Don't do ever do that.
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