I know i'm an alcoholic but i'm always making excuses.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Stockholm
Posts: 3
I know i'm an alcoholic but i'm always making excuses.
Hi! I first signed up to the forum in 2016, I just read my thread from back then and it does break my heart how i'm in the exact same place. I am someone who has suffered mental health issues as a teen, I come from a loving home with two super supportive parents and I currently live in a really nice apartment and studying and I know it might sound shallow but I am not what one would on paper describe as an 'alcoholic' on weekends i go out with my friends, i get as drunk as the rest of them, but what they don't know is i continue when i come home, whether i leave at 11 or 3, i will make sure i have something at home so i can get just as drunk as i want within the comfort of my own home. I've started lying a lot, lying about courses passed that i failed becauses i didn't give a s*** because i rather drink instead. I have a wonderful boyfriend, we have our differences as far as personality goes sure but still, he's always been nothing but sweet to me, but lately i've started lashing out at him when drunk, sending him messages telling him he doesn't give me this or that, and i feel so horrible for it. And i feel horrible knowing I have to quit this, but it is the only way i know how to self soothe, I have no idea where to reach for help, no idea who to talk to, been trying to find a AA meeting near me but it all seems very complicated just to do that. I am 28 years old, I have my entire life ahead of me, but all i can think of everyday is alcohol, from the moment i wake up, to when i go to sleep. This is probably not a very well composed first message but I am mainly writing because i feel I need help and Im not sure where to reach out for it and get it, I would love to go to a AA meeting but as a said it's been difficult to find near me, Im also interested in hearing anyone elses story, especially if you are in your mid 20s to 30s, how did you realise you were an alcoholic and how did you manage to stop? how did the people around you act? also another difficult thing is my main social platform is the pub where well as you might guess.. everyone drinks, and friends isnt something i really have a lot of so i so badly crave that social space, also i can be very shy without alcohol and really feel like i come into my own as i drink. i have no idea what to do, where to reach out for help, who to tell. if anyone whether young or old has any advice or simply just a ear who wants to listen to me, please do not hesitate to comment.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 1,599
Welcome back! Alcohol is a terrible beast to fight but never give up fighting! There are AA meetings on zoom 24/7 if you can't find a meeting near you. This is such a great time to get sober! There have never been more alcohol free drink options and so many people choosing an alcohol free life, for all kinds of reasons. There are many treatment options and awareness these days, much more than in 2016. Do you have a plan for not drinking today? It feels pretty good to put your sober head on the pillow at night and wake up feeling refreshed and free from worries of what you did when drinking :-) I'm so glad you're here!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 649
I was in a very similar place to you at 28. I was a workaholic and alcoholic. I also posted on SR (drunk) a few times only to come back and read those same posts months and years later. My entire life centered around my drinking.
I completely understand the “self soothe” thing, my anxiety and stress would spin out of control and alcohol was like a magic pill to “center” me, but it was never enough. Today I realize it wasn’t centering me at all, it was actually a big cause of those needs to “self sooth.”
You're right on the cusp of something by being here. One thing that helped me a lot early was thinking of my desire to drink as my “AV” (or addiction voice) and to externalize the addiction. Cravings, bargaining, promises to “cut back,” I dismissed as my internal monologue being hijacked by my AV. It was very effective for me in those difficult early days. I also hit the gym - a lot. The gym became my pub, my new way to calm the anxiety and blow off some steam.
Here’s what I can tell you — it’s hard we first, but you can self-regulate without alcohol — and it’s so much better once you figure it out. It probably feels impossible right now — but sobriety is freedom. Keep posting and good luck
I completely understand the “self soothe” thing, my anxiety and stress would spin out of control and alcohol was like a magic pill to “center” me, but it was never enough. Today I realize it wasn’t centering me at all, it was actually a big cause of those needs to “self sooth.”
You're right on the cusp of something by being here. One thing that helped me a lot early was thinking of my desire to drink as my “AV” (or addiction voice) and to externalize the addiction. Cravings, bargaining, promises to “cut back,” I dismissed as my internal monologue being hijacked by my AV. It was very effective for me in those difficult early days. I also hit the gym - a lot. The gym became my pub, my new way to calm the anxiety and blow off some steam.
Here’s what I can tell you — it’s hard we first, but you can self-regulate without alcohol — and it’s so much better once you figure it out. It probably feels impossible right now — but sobriety is freedom. Keep posting and good luck
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 743
I knew I was alcoholic by that age but I didn't care. A life without alcohol was not a possibility or so I thought. For a time life in my mid 20s was get up a 5am to run. 45 minute commute to work 8 hours or so. Another half hour commute to go a technical school for 4 hours. Commute home, smoke marijuana and wash down sleeping pills with beer and mini whiskey bottles. Without the sleeping pills I would stay up all night drinking. Then came my weekend drinking and druggin.
If I was dating somebody new I would order shell fish. I am immune, it does not fill me at all. This way it would look like I am eating a normal meal but its really just a speed bump so it doesn't ruin my buzz. How can I maintain just the right buzz until I can drink the way that I like to drink?
It gets progressively worse. The odds of a good time go down and the drunken disasters get more frequent. It stops working the way that it use to. It would be like if you take a deck of cards and randomly draw a card. Drawing a black card is a good drunk, red is a bad drunk. In the early days its like many of the red cards were removed from the deck without you knowing. Eventually the red cards are replaced and the black cards are getting removed. The active alcoholic doesn't know it but there are few if any black cards remaining in the deck. They pull red card after red card, determined to recapture the black card.
Alcoholism is physical and mental. Physically we have an almost allergic reaction to alcohol. Once we drink we can not control how much we will drink or how we will behave. We may have an idea of how much we will drink but once we pick up drink #1 the wheels are in motion and we can not stop it. Sometimes we have a fluke night and may only drink 5 or 6 beers. Its usually a one off, we did not suddenly become normal drinkers.
Mentally we have an obsession to drink. In a short period of time the memory of the last drunken disaster fades for craving that feeling of ease and comfort that comes from taking the first few drinks.
I would search Google for aa meetings near me. They usually take place in a church or a municipal building. Show up just a few minutes before the start and look around, we will find you. I couldn't figure out which door to go on my first night. I thought oh well i am late. Mine as well have a drink and try AA some other night. As I was about leave a guy that was late for the meeting was on the way in and asked if I was looking for AA. How did you know?
Every single person there has come through that door a first time. I think if you have an open mind you will be shocked at how much we have in common. We are all kinds of drinkers, daily, functioning, in between. All with an allergy to alcohol and an obsession to drink.
If I was dating somebody new I would order shell fish. I am immune, it does not fill me at all. This way it would look like I am eating a normal meal but its really just a speed bump so it doesn't ruin my buzz. How can I maintain just the right buzz until I can drink the way that I like to drink?
It gets progressively worse. The odds of a good time go down and the drunken disasters get more frequent. It stops working the way that it use to. It would be like if you take a deck of cards and randomly draw a card. Drawing a black card is a good drunk, red is a bad drunk. In the early days its like many of the red cards were removed from the deck without you knowing. Eventually the red cards are replaced and the black cards are getting removed. The active alcoholic doesn't know it but there are few if any black cards remaining in the deck. They pull red card after red card, determined to recapture the black card.
Alcoholism is physical and mental. Physically we have an almost allergic reaction to alcohol. Once we drink we can not control how much we will drink or how we will behave. We may have an idea of how much we will drink but once we pick up drink #1 the wheels are in motion and we can not stop it. Sometimes we have a fluke night and may only drink 5 or 6 beers. Its usually a one off, we did not suddenly become normal drinkers.
Mentally we have an obsession to drink. In a short period of time the memory of the last drunken disaster fades for craving that feeling of ease and comfort that comes from taking the first few drinks.
I would search Google for aa meetings near me. They usually take place in a church or a municipal building. Show up just a few minutes before the start and look around, we will find you. I couldn't figure out which door to go on my first night. I thought oh well i am late. Mine as well have a drink and try AA some other night. As I was about leave a guy that was late for the meeting was on the way in and asked if I was looking for AA. How did you know?
Every single person there has come through that door a first time. I think if you have an open mind you will be shocked at how much we have in common. We are all kinds of drinkers, daily, functioning, in between. All with an allergy to alcohol and an obsession to drink.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: tallahassee, fl
Posts: 31
I felt very similar to you when I got sober. I was 27 and have been sober for 10 years. I found a lot of comfort in reading the big book at the beginning and the aa thought of the day. I am really happy you posted on here!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 527
If you find it difficult to locate or get to live AA meetings near you, then start with online meetings. You can find both live and online meetings via AA's website here: https://www.aa.org/find-aa .
Member
Join Date: May 2022
Location: California
Posts: 354
If meetings are foreign to you, or if you don't have someone close to you already in the program that will go with you, try making an appt with your Doctor or whoever your health care provider is. Let them know what you are dealing with and, please, be honest with them about about everything. They will be able to help move you in the right direction.
I believe in the big book and 12 steps and that is how I personally keep sober. But in the beginning, that was all snake oil to me and a waste of my time, so I continued to drink. Eventually I had more of an Educational Experience, rather than a Spiritual Experience. Once I actually got sober for the first time after 20 years of drinking daily, I was looking for ways to stay sober. It was then that I tried AA meetings and it was there that I had my own Spiritual awakening.
I wanted to be happy again, I wanted the bliss that all these men and women talked about having after they completely gave up alcohol. So I gave myself to the AA program and before I knew, all these doors opened up for me. Some of them I walked through, others I tripped and fell into. I know why all this happened to me but that is my own experience, and for you, that might be different and that is 100% okay.
I wish you well, friend
I believe in the big book and 12 steps and that is how I personally keep sober. But in the beginning, that was all snake oil to me and a waste of my time, so I continued to drink. Eventually I had more of an Educational Experience, rather than a Spiritual Experience. Once I actually got sober for the first time after 20 years of drinking daily, I was looking for ways to stay sober. It was then that I tried AA meetings and it was there that I had my own Spiritual awakening.
I wanted to be happy again, I wanted the bliss that all these men and women talked about having after they completely gave up alcohol. So I gave myself to the AA program and before I knew, all these doors opened up for me. Some of them I walked through, others I tripped and fell into. I know why all this happened to me but that is my own experience, and for you, that might be different and that is 100% okay.
I wish you well, friend
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,964
Go to silkworth.net to read the big book. Go here for online meetings every day in Stockolm. Stockholm – Alcoholics Anonymous (alcoholics-anonymous.eu)
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