Uncomfortable realisation
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 1,599
Uncomfortable realisation
Last night I was as close to a drink as I have been in the last 12 months. Drinking wasn't imminent or unavoidable, I was just sliding along the spectrum of not drinking - drinking towards the middle somewhere.
I wondered why I was feeling that and it dawned on me that I have been dealing with some uncomfortable realisations. I am a very blunt person and I am frankly rather curmudgeonly. It has dawned on me lately that I don't have much to say that isn't snarky, critical, judgemental or designed to enlighten people with my infinite wisdom. I don't like being like that. I don't WANT to be like that. I have a lot of issues with my mother because she is NEVER wrong, lashes out if you suggest she might be wrong and gets highly defensive and throws others under the bus in order to be "right". My mother is 90, I'm 52. So it dawned on me that I am EXACTLY LIKE MY MOTHER! Ok so I express it a little differently but I am basically the same. Horrifying.
Anyway I thought that through a bit, decided to accept this newly realised piece of information about myself and work to change it. The desire to drink slid back along the spectrum towards not drinking. I am mad at myself for being like this but also relieved that I can see this source of frustration and anger in myself and have the capacity to take action to change it.
I wondered why I was feeling that and it dawned on me that I have been dealing with some uncomfortable realisations. I am a very blunt person and I am frankly rather curmudgeonly. It has dawned on me lately that I don't have much to say that isn't snarky, critical, judgemental or designed to enlighten people with my infinite wisdom. I don't like being like that. I don't WANT to be like that. I have a lot of issues with my mother because she is NEVER wrong, lashes out if you suggest she might be wrong and gets highly defensive and throws others under the bus in order to be "right". My mother is 90, I'm 52. So it dawned on me that I am EXACTLY LIKE MY MOTHER! Ok so I express it a little differently but I am basically the same. Horrifying.
Anyway I thought that through a bit, decided to accept this newly realised piece of information about myself and work to change it. The desire to drink slid back along the spectrum towards not drinking. I am mad at myself for being like this but also relieved that I can see this source of frustration and anger in myself and have the capacity to take action to change it.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I don’t find you curmudgeonly at all but I realise we see ourselves differently.
Recovery has been a great opportunity for me to be better in a whole lot of ways.
I’m glad you are still with us Patcha
D
Recovery has been a great opportunity for me to be better in a whole lot of ways.
I’m glad you are still with us Patcha
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Patcha, I have always found your posts uplifting, positive and helpful. I am so glad you're here and shared that, even though I think you're viewing yourself through a bit of a harsh filter. Nothing wrong with being a bit blunt or curmudgeonly at times, haha. Sometimes people need that from us. Soo.. maybe some of the drinking urges are coming from that view you are holding of yourself?
At any rate, it's great to hear from you and congrats on your upcoming year!
At any rate, it's great to hear from you and congrats on your upcoming year!
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,203
Patcha, thank your for your post because I often think along similar lines so it's a timely reminder to me.
I'm sure many of have similar inclinations to aasume that our thoughts or opinions about things are correct and to entertain dismissive views of people who think or act differently. I would be pretty sure the fact that you are self aware means you are essentially a well adjusted person and not someone with an issue. You do not sound as though you are a clone of your mum either. No need to be hard in yourself and definitely no reason to drink.
BTW I'm 61 so I didn't grow up with social media and 24 hour news and sport channels but like most people I do use both from time to time. I notice that it tends to be the people with either the strongest or most controversial opinions that get screen or airtime and a fair few of them are worthy of sarcasm just to protect my own sanity - a degree of curmudgeonness (is that a word?) is necessary in my opinion.
I'm sure many of have similar inclinations to aasume that our thoughts or opinions about things are correct and to entertain dismissive views of people who think or act differently. I would be pretty sure the fact that you are self aware means you are essentially a well adjusted person and not someone with an issue. You do not sound as though you are a clone of your mum either. No need to be hard in yourself and definitely no reason to drink.
BTW I'm 61 so I didn't grow up with social media and 24 hour news and sport channels but like most people I do use both from time to time. I notice that it tends to be the people with either the strongest or most controversial opinions that get screen or airtime and a fair few of them are worthy of sarcasm just to protect my own sanity - a degree of curmudgeonness (is that a word?) is necessary in my opinion.
sober style
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 2,387
I loved this post, Patcha. One of the most powerful gifts that our sobriety brings is the insight we get into ourselves, how we think and feel and process experience. And we improve over time at this too, it's fantastic really, how we can get to truly know ourselves while we're building an even better version by staying sober each day over months and years. It's both a spiritual rebirth we're getting and a front row seat to witness it, quite remarkable that way!
Member
Join Date: May 2021
Location: England
Posts: 1,850
Great post Patcha, it is a blessing when we can recognise something in ourselves that we wish to change and even better to know why we want to change it.
It made me smile too as I feel that I have to work hard not to be exactly like my mother !
It made me smile too as I feel that I have to work hard not to be exactly like my mother !
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne Australia.
Posts: 3,748
I think we always like to think we are more 'right' than others............
My mother was quite mad, but brilliant at psycho logic.
I have often seen those elements in myself.
If is good to stand back sometimes and have a darned good look at ourselves.
My mother was quite mad, but brilliant at psycho logic.
I have often seen those elements in myself.
If is good to stand back sometimes and have a darned good look at ourselves.
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