This Thing Ain't No Joke
Life Goes On
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What a cute puppy!
She does look large in that picture. I've went back and forth about getting a dog for years. So far I've come to the conclusion that I'm not responsible enough and don't have the time. The kids would love it though, at least for a short time. Maybe someday.
It's really great hearing about your experiences with being able to change and all of the positive results that you're getting. That makes me happy and gives me hope for my own journey.
Good luck with your interview on Tuesday.
She does look large in that picture. I've went back and forth about getting a dog for years. So far I've come to the conclusion that I'm not responsible enough and don't have the time. The kids would love it though, at least for a short time. Maybe someday.
It's really great hearing about your experiences with being able to change and all of the positive results that you're getting. That makes me happy and gives me hope for my own journey.
Good luck with your interview on Tuesday.
Life Goes On
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I guess I'm in shock?
I can't get warm, my feet remain freezing - even though I'm in a place where the inside temp is supposedly 72 degrees and I'm wrapped in multiple layers, including a blanket over my legs/feet.
My mom died 11 days ago, and now I'm in shock?
Weird.
Must be because the biggest hurdles (emotion-wise) have mostly been hurdled. The last parts will be hard (closing up the apartment, dealing with the agencies, etc), but I think they will be mostly ok. This morning, I got done apportioning the most highly contentious part of my mother's estate (for one sibling ONLY, but man was she a conten-da-witch). So now I'll move on to more mundane things like furniture (nice stuff!) and other furnishings. I thought it was a honor to be trusted as an executor, and of course it was. But my co-executor brother departed this plane four years ago and mom hadn't updated her will. Which leaves me with being the practical one (which I am) but also the one perceived as pushing settlement when people need time (which I was). Everyone handles stress differently, eh?
My older sister is leaving town today and I will be in Mom's place alone. I think that will be ok. Rattly, but ok. I could use some quiet to get the shtuff together that needs getting together.
I can't get warm, my feet remain freezing - even though I'm in a place where the inside temp is supposedly 72 degrees and I'm wrapped in multiple layers, including a blanket over my legs/feet.
My mom died 11 days ago, and now I'm in shock?
Weird.
Must be because the biggest hurdles (emotion-wise) have mostly been hurdled. The last parts will be hard (closing up the apartment, dealing with the agencies, etc), but I think they will be mostly ok. This morning, I got done apportioning the most highly contentious part of my mother's estate (for one sibling ONLY, but man was she a conten-da-witch). So now I'll move on to more mundane things like furniture (nice stuff!) and other furnishings. I thought it was a honor to be trusted as an executor, and of course it was. But my co-executor brother departed this plane four years ago and mom hadn't updated her will. Which leaves me with being the practical one (which I am) but also the one perceived as pushing settlement when people need time (which I was). Everyone handles stress differently, eh?
My older sister is leaving town today and I will be in Mom's place alone. I think that will be ok. Rattly, but ok. I could use some quiet to get the shtuff together that needs getting together.
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Oh O, I am so sorry to hear that. I have been thinking of you a lot lately, must be I got a signal.
Lost my mom five years ago, which was tough, still is. I hope you will check in and let us know how you are.
Lots and lots of love.
Lost my mom five years ago, which was tough, still is. I hope you will check in and let us know how you are.
Lots and lots of love.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
ah O, very sorry to hear of your mom’s death and your shock now.
my experience has shown me that we can’t know if the biggest emotional hurdles have been hurdled. new ones seem able to just pop up in unexpected places.
and yeah, the practicalities of arrangements and financial and sibling dealings can be huge frustrations, and at the same time provide a maybe necessary distraction…don’t know.
found it very odd to find myself an orphan; never mind that i was already a decades-old adult.
take good care.
my experience has shown me that we can’t know if the biggest emotional hurdles have been hurdled. new ones seem able to just pop up in unexpected places.
and yeah, the practicalities of arrangements and financial and sibling dealings can be huge frustrations, and at the same time provide a maybe necessary distraction…don’t know.
found it very odd to find myself an orphan; never mind that i was already a decades-old adult.
take good care.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,042
I'm so sorry, O. Losing a parent is hard.
My biggest responsibility when my mother died was pouring her liquor cabinet down the drain. Time changes memory, and it's fortunately not the most salient thing about her that I carry around anymore.
My biggest responsibility when my mother died was pouring her liquor cabinet down the drain. Time changes memory, and it's fortunately not the most salient thing about her that I carry around anymore.
Life Goes On
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Originally Posted by fini 
my experience has shown me that we can’t know if the biggest emotional hurdles have been hurdled. new ones seem able to just pop up in unexpected places..
Truer words were never spoken.
I'm quite certain it will bring you no joy to know how prophetic your statement would be.
Life Goes On
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Thank you all so much for your sympathy. My mom was 86, but I think all of us (including her) fully expected that she'd be on this earth for another decade. She lived a good life, fought the good fight, used her gifts for good, and did her best to follow the example of washing others' feet. I had a moment of happiness at her funeral realizing that she lived in certainty that she would be reunited with her beloved husband when she died. What a blessing that was for her!
On the very day that fini wrote to me about unexpected hurdles, I hit one of mine. I know of course, this thing about never knowing when a new challenge will arise. I just keep forgetting to remain vigilant/receptive/mindful for that eventuality. I drank and continued to do so until the troops were alerted on Tuesday by my own (very deliberately) advertised warning signs. My brother-in-law took me to the emergency room from whence I was transferred to a psych hospital for detox. Just about 48 hours later, I was released to continue on with my duties in service to the family and the estate. Three and a half days later, I'd packed a rental truck and headed out with that same brother-in-law for the drive back to Maryland.
The word whirlwind comes to mind.
I will work to reconstruct this with Daniel Tiger, but the tipping point may have been when I learned that my sister-the-contender had revealed my closely held secret (which was also hers) decades ago. This thing about my brother molesting me (and her) - the one I was sure would devastate my mother - had already been spoken. With my mother. And with my youngest sister. My sister-the-contender told me that while she was in her twenties, she'd shared her own experience with Mom, telling her own story only. Mom was reportedly horrified and wondered why my sister had never told her this was happening. My sister said she didn't really know, but maybe it was because she didn't know how to tell Mom. My sister said she never wanted to speak about this again, and so it seemed to her that our mom took that as "pretend I never told you," because Mom never seemed to even give a nod to the resulting effects.
Mind you, all of this revelation was shocking to me, but not in a way that felt as devastating as I think it actually was for me. I took it in stride, if you will, thanked sister-the-contender for sharing that information with me and asked her forgiveness for abandoning her - not only that time, but one other time when we were (younger) children and I'd knowingly left her at home alone in a terrified state. We left that discussion in what I thought was a good place - one where we had some kind of better understanding of each other and might be able to actually have a relationship. The same day, the next day, I don't know what day... she had a melt-down over how I was executing Mom's will. And although I tried to clear it up the next day, I'd say that her expression of anger and hurt about apportioning Mom's silver is the last time we spoke.
Oh there was more, so much more, as you might imagine. Five siblings, each dysfunctional in our own way. Lots of "stuff" - so much of it that it has taken three weeks to sift and winnow and sort and apportion to the kids and grandkids and charity, with very little going in the trash. My mom was a pack-rat, I guess, but one with very good taste and great organizational skills. It's absolutely stunning how much stuff she had in that apartment. Other stuff like trying to figure out where my deceased brothers sons and wife should fit in this whole ordeal of distribution of goods. Like actually being the bereaved one standing there for three hours while people paid their (very kind) respects. Stuff like meeting with the financial planner, looking for documents, figuring out what I needed to bring back with me to deal with financial matters. Stuff like doing a final interview, then accepting a new job offer and submitting my resignation.
You know me - I could probably write for hours upon hours about all of this. And perhaps I will. But right now I need to get my brother-in-law to the airport, then come back home to prepare for the movers to come and unload this truck.
I will not drink today.
On the very day that fini wrote to me about unexpected hurdles, I hit one of mine. I know of course, this thing about never knowing when a new challenge will arise. I just keep forgetting to remain vigilant/receptive/mindful for that eventuality. I drank and continued to do so until the troops were alerted on Tuesday by my own (very deliberately) advertised warning signs. My brother-in-law took me to the emergency room from whence I was transferred to a psych hospital for detox. Just about 48 hours later, I was released to continue on with my duties in service to the family and the estate. Three and a half days later, I'd packed a rental truck and headed out with that same brother-in-law for the drive back to Maryland.
The word whirlwind comes to mind.
I will work to reconstruct this with Daniel Tiger, but the tipping point may have been when I learned that my sister-the-contender had revealed my closely held secret (which was also hers) decades ago. This thing about my brother molesting me (and her) - the one I was sure would devastate my mother - had already been spoken. With my mother. And with my youngest sister. My sister-the-contender told me that while she was in her twenties, she'd shared her own experience with Mom, telling her own story only. Mom was reportedly horrified and wondered why my sister had never told her this was happening. My sister said she didn't really know, but maybe it was because she didn't know how to tell Mom. My sister said she never wanted to speak about this again, and so it seemed to her that our mom took that as "pretend I never told you," because Mom never seemed to even give a nod to the resulting effects.
Mind you, all of this revelation was shocking to me, but not in a way that felt as devastating as I think it actually was for me. I took it in stride, if you will, thanked sister-the-contender for sharing that information with me and asked her forgiveness for abandoning her - not only that time, but one other time when we were (younger) children and I'd knowingly left her at home alone in a terrified state. We left that discussion in what I thought was a good place - one where we had some kind of better understanding of each other and might be able to actually have a relationship. The same day, the next day, I don't know what day... she had a melt-down over how I was executing Mom's will. And although I tried to clear it up the next day, I'd say that her expression of anger and hurt about apportioning Mom's silver is the last time we spoke.
Oh there was more, so much more, as you might imagine. Five siblings, each dysfunctional in our own way. Lots of "stuff" - so much of it that it has taken three weeks to sift and winnow and sort and apportion to the kids and grandkids and charity, with very little going in the trash. My mom was a pack-rat, I guess, but one with very good taste and great organizational skills. It's absolutely stunning how much stuff she had in that apartment. Other stuff like trying to figure out where my deceased brothers sons and wife should fit in this whole ordeal of distribution of goods. Like actually being the bereaved one standing there for three hours while people paid their (very kind) respects. Stuff like meeting with the financial planner, looking for documents, figuring out what I needed to bring back with me to deal with financial matters. Stuff like doing a final interview, then accepting a new job offer and submitting my resignation.
You know me - I could probably write for hours upon hours about all of this. And perhaps I will. But right now I need to get my brother-in-law to the airport, then come back home to prepare for the movers to come and unload this truck.
I will not drink today.
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Join Date: Oct 2020
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I'm sorry to hear that you've had to deal with all of those overwhelming situations. To be thrust into all of that at once would knock anyone off balance.
I hope that you have some time off for yourself now before you start the new job. It seems like that would be a great opportunity for a mental health break.
I'm with you on not drinking today.
I hope that you have some time off for yourself now before you start the new job. It seems like that would be a great opportunity for a mental health break.
I'm with you on not drinking today.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
O, ouch!
didn’t mean to be prophetic, y’know, in these drastic ways. but yeah, no real predicting of what hurdles might come up, especially when others can put some in our way also.
sounds like your sister is dealing (or not too well) with the ones that are coming up for her, also.
very sorry to hear you drank, O.
with all this settling of estate and grief upheaval and abuse-revealed-to-mom when there was no acknowledgement on her part and secrets spilled and “protections” ripped away and a new job and resigning an old one and shock of drinking….is Daniel Tiger a good one to help you figure out next steps and how to take care?
didn’t mean to be prophetic, y’know, in these drastic ways. but yeah, no real predicting of what hurdles might come up, especially when others can put some in our way also.
sounds like your sister is dealing (or not too well) with the ones that are coming up for her, also.
very sorry to hear you drank, O.
with all this settling of estate and grief upheaval and abuse-revealed-to-mom when there was no acknowledgement on her part and secrets spilled and “protections” ripped away and a new job and resigning an old one and shock of drinking….is Daniel Tiger a good one to help you figure out next steps and how to take care?
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,042
Hey O, tagline got bleeped and I decided I liked it that way. Never do I want to pretend again that I'm in charge of the car.
Keep on not-drinking. Coming up on my first decade
it gets better all the time, from the inside out.
Keep on not-drinking. Coming up on my first decade
it gets better all the time, from the inside out.Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
fini, I met with Daniel on Friday. It took just about the entire session to simply fill him in. We'll meet again this coming Friday. Five, my therapist is happy to complete the documentation necessary to support me working part-time for the remaining three weeks of this position, so I just need to present that to my manager. It will be a Family and Medical Leave claim and I'm certain it will be approved due to my established "disability." The boss will not be surprised and it will be fine. Like I told each member of my team last week, they don't need me anymore. (To which several of them said, "Oh, but I do!") They might prefer to have me around, but I've really done all I can do (was permitted to do) to make improvements in my area. It's sad to me that I wasn't able to accomplish all I'd set out to do, but a person can only beat her head bloody for so long before it's time to relinquish the fight. In the end, I leave the area about 150 degrees better than when I joined. Many events and people had a hand in that, but I do credit myself for being supportive and appropriately forceful in turns. If the only thing that was eliminated was the tendency to point the finger of blame, that's a good win.
(Courage, I thought it might have been bleeped - I like it that way, too. You know, Milo is one of my favorite characters.
)
I spoke with my youngest sister yesterday and she said she felt numb. Perhaps that's what I'm feeling as well. Incorporating Mom's things into my household has been very pleasant and has kept me busy since I returned here. But when I sit down to take a break, I'm immediately restless without any idea of what might satisfy that feeling. Consequently, my home is already quite tidy with only one (one and a half) more room's worth of art to hang. I wrote to my sister-the-contender the other day. I realized one part I'd had in contributing to her feelings of being left out during this whole ordeal, so needed to acknowledge that and offer my sincere apology. A couple of days later, she sent a "Thank you for that" note. Baby steps.
My brother has been texting me, generally in the middle of the night after he gets home from work (and has probably had a few beers). It's mostly business about the estate, and I have no problem helping him however I can. He is very self-deprecating these days, talking about the brain cells he's lost and what a dumb-*** he is. I find myself reassuring him that it's fine and I'm happy to help. Somewhere in Ohio last week, he sent me a message that included, "I'm sorry you're going through all of this (hospitalization/detox); I probably bear more than 1/6th of the blame for this." I have the definite notion that he's feeling remorseful. Perhaps always has. In any event, he's opened the door a crack and that feels scary and promising as well. Daniel seems to see it the same way. We will proceed with all due caution...to 'do' what, I don't know, but I'm hoping it will be some form of reconciliation. I've really got to get this beast off my back.
Not really sure what to make of secrets about secrets in my family. Aside from, how could I not have known that would be the case? My youngest sister put it very aptly, "Mom was complicated." I called my Mom's remaining sibling while I was drinking. Not sure why, but I'm glad I did. I think I was calling any number of people to get help with getting out. Or to be found out. Or to be pitied. Or maybe all of those things Who knows where my brain goes when it's intoxicated? Anyhow, I was in a blackout that was sometimes brown during that episode. I'm pretty sure I spilled my secret to my uncle during our conversation; almost 100% sure his reaction was along the lines of, "I'm so sorry." ... "It's hard to know what would have happened to a person who would do that." Which is something I've considered; like, there must be a reason he was doing what he did. That thought gives me a feeling of compassion, but it's still all very confusing/difficult. Anyhow, when I spoke with my uncle after I was discharged from the hospital, he said, "You talked about a lot of things, some of which I couldn't really understand and the rest of which I've forgotten. What is important was that you called, and I was glad that you did even though I really didn't know what to do aside from listen." That part about forgetting - is he saying that just to be 'nice' or is that what he and my Mom learned to do? It's no wonder there would be secrets that are not secrets in my family.
Dropsie, thanks for your message.
I never drink.
(Courage, I thought it might have been bleeped - I like it that way, too. You know, Milo is one of my favorite characters.
)I spoke with my youngest sister yesterday and she said she felt numb. Perhaps that's what I'm feeling as well. Incorporating Mom's things into my household has been very pleasant and has kept me busy since I returned here. But when I sit down to take a break, I'm immediately restless without any idea of what might satisfy that feeling. Consequently, my home is already quite tidy with only one (one and a half) more room's worth of art to hang. I wrote to my sister-the-contender the other day. I realized one part I'd had in contributing to her feelings of being left out during this whole ordeal, so needed to acknowledge that and offer my sincere apology. A couple of days later, she sent a "Thank you for that" note. Baby steps.
My brother has been texting me, generally in the middle of the night after he gets home from work (and has probably had a few beers). It's mostly business about the estate, and I have no problem helping him however I can. He is very self-deprecating these days, talking about the brain cells he's lost and what a dumb-*** he is. I find myself reassuring him that it's fine and I'm happy to help. Somewhere in Ohio last week, he sent me a message that included, "I'm sorry you're going through all of this (hospitalization/detox); I probably bear more than 1/6th of the blame for this." I have the definite notion that he's feeling remorseful. Perhaps always has. In any event, he's opened the door a crack and that feels scary and promising as well. Daniel seems to see it the same way. We will proceed with all due caution...to 'do' what, I don't know, but I'm hoping it will be some form of reconciliation. I've really got to get this beast off my back.
Not really sure what to make of secrets about secrets in my family. Aside from, how could I not have known that would be the case? My youngest sister put it very aptly, "Mom was complicated." I called my Mom's remaining sibling while I was drinking. Not sure why, but I'm glad I did. I think I was calling any number of people to get help with getting out. Or to be found out. Or to be pitied. Or maybe all of those things Who knows where my brain goes when it's intoxicated? Anyhow, I was in a blackout that was sometimes brown during that episode. I'm pretty sure I spilled my secret to my uncle during our conversation; almost 100% sure his reaction was along the lines of, "I'm so sorry." ... "It's hard to know what would have happened to a person who would do that." Which is something I've considered; like, there must be a reason he was doing what he did. That thought gives me a feeling of compassion, but it's still all very confusing/difficult. Anyhow, when I spoke with my uncle after I was discharged from the hospital, he said, "You talked about a lot of things, some of which I couldn't really understand and the rest of which I've forgotten. What is important was that you called, and I was glad that you did even though I really didn't know what to do aside from listen." That part about forgetting - is he saying that just to be 'nice' or is that what he and my Mom learned to do? It's no wonder there would be secrets that are not secrets in my family.
Dropsie, thanks for your message.
I never drink.
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Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 17
I’m so sorry to hear about your mom O. And the unearthing of family secrets.
You told your uncle.. even though you were drunk, you sought acknowledgment from someone who could’ve protected you. His response of either “not understanding or not remembering” is not great, but still you did something for yourself there I hope you can be proud of.
I struggle with the fact I can’t say I have over 5 years of continuous sobriety, but really I do have over 5 years of sobriety.. minus 3 days. Hope you will not let this de-rail all your progress.
I’m working on a short sale (ironic considering it’s taken nearly a full year) with an alcoholic seller, and a manipulative investor/buyer. It’s supposed to finally close tomorrow, but seller is MIA. Reminds me of the horrors of just disappearing from all responsibilities.. good and bad. Tempting sometimes but it’s much better to be on the other side.
You told your uncle.. even though you were drunk, you sought acknowledgment from someone who could’ve protected you. His response of either “not understanding or not remembering” is not great, but still you did something for yourself there I hope you can be proud of.
I struggle with the fact I can’t say I have over 5 years of continuous sobriety, but really I do have over 5 years of sobriety.. minus 3 days. Hope you will not let this de-rail all your progress.
I’m working on a short sale (ironic considering it’s taken nearly a full year) with an alcoholic seller, and a manipulative investor/buyer. It’s supposed to finally close tomorrow, but seller is MIA. Reminds me of the horrors of just disappearing from all responsibilities.. good and bad. Tempting sometimes but it’s much better to be on the other side.
Life Goes On
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Cos, I hope your closing worked out.
I think I'm beyond the point of remaining derailed anymore. Drinking is just stupid, pitiful, a horribly maladaptive way to try to disappear. I know what I need to do during those times when I would drink - or even when I experience those feelings that approximate those times - is to connect with someone. The hardest thing about that is to find the 'right' someone with whom I can connect. I know I can't possibly be alone in this situation with my brother, but I don't know of anyone who could relate to the entire situation, up to and including the revelation that my mother knew (or should have known?) about this thing. How would things have been different if she would have (could have?) spoken with me about this? There's no way of knowing. I could imagine possible differences, but my intellect says, "What's the use of doing that? It's done."
I'm feeling a bit paralyzed right now. When I talk about that feeling, about not knowing which way to go with my pain, fear, anger - if those are the feelings I am actually suppressing - I feel a wave of something like despondence rise up. And I push it down again, something like when I feel like I may vomit but am able to suppress the urge. I spoke with my sister-in-law this evening, and wanted to talk about this brother stuff, but I sensed something in her response to "Are you ready for something heavy?" that made me take a step back. No matter, I was able to replace the news that middlest had been drinking again - apparently in response to my hospitalization. It's always good to have one crap thing to replace another in such a situation.
I think I'm exhausting sometimes.
That hesitancy I feel/perceive from people sometimes makes me feel like I'm just "too much" and ought to just get a grip, already.
I think I'm beyond the point of remaining derailed anymore. Drinking is just stupid, pitiful, a horribly maladaptive way to try to disappear. I know what I need to do during those times when I would drink - or even when I experience those feelings that approximate those times - is to connect with someone. The hardest thing about that is to find the 'right' someone with whom I can connect. I know I can't possibly be alone in this situation with my brother, but I don't know of anyone who could relate to the entire situation, up to and including the revelation that my mother knew (or should have known?) about this thing. How would things have been different if she would have (could have?) spoken with me about this? There's no way of knowing. I could imagine possible differences, but my intellect says, "What's the use of doing that? It's done."
I'm feeling a bit paralyzed right now. When I talk about that feeling, about not knowing which way to go with my pain, fear, anger - if those are the feelings I am actually suppressing - I feel a wave of something like despondence rise up. And I push it down again, something like when I feel like I may vomit but am able to suppress the urge. I spoke with my sister-in-law this evening, and wanted to talk about this brother stuff, but I sensed something in her response to "Are you ready for something heavy?" that made me take a step back. No matter, I was able to replace the news that middlest had been drinking again - apparently in response to my hospitalization. It's always good to have one crap thing to replace another in such a situation.
I think I'm exhausting sometimes.
That hesitancy I feel/perceive from people sometimes makes me feel like I'm just "too much" and ought to just get a grip, already.
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Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
Everyone is exhausting sometimes, I think. I know I am. That's just life. You've earned the right. The journey to not being derailed basically seems to require it at times.
My kid was getting in some trouble at school a few months ago. Drama with some other kids. It blew up into this whole big thing and went on for weeks. It was exhausting. His teachers talked with him about circle of influence vs concern at one point and mentioned it to us. Obviously it's elementary, but it got me thinking how much of my existence I've spent worrying about things I can't control.
I'm sorry to hear that your daughter is struggling with alcohol. That's for to be really hard and tricky to deal with. It's sad that it happens to so many people. I can't remember if you've mentioned it but has she ever gone to meetings or formally tried to quit?
My kid was getting in some trouble at school a few months ago. Drama with some other kids. It blew up into this whole big thing and went on for weeks. It was exhausting. His teachers talked with him about circle of influence vs concern at one point and mentioned it to us. Obviously it's elementary, but it got me thinking how much of my existence I've spent worrying about things I can't control.
I'm sorry to hear that your daughter is struggling with alcohol. That's for to be really hard and tricky to deal with. It's sad that it happens to so many people. I can't remember if you've mentioned it but has she ever gone to meetings or formally tried to quit?
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